Who would you side with? Am I being selfish and immature? (maternity, milk)
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I'm not saying I want to travel all year round. Just a couple nice child free trips once or twice a year (at most). So it is hard to reconcile myself to the fact that this wouldn't be able to happen.
You can do all the traveling you want child free when the child has turned 18.
I cannot even imagine having to "reconcile myself" to the fact that lack of traveling because of a child being born.
This thought process makes it appear that you resent this child before they have even been born.
You can do all the traveling you want child free when the child has turned 18.
And she can do all the traveling she wants child free before then too. People do it all the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
This thought process makes it appear that you resent this child before they have even been born.
Indeed - the way the OP is phrased is indicative of this. There is no reason - despite your suggestion - that she has to stop traveling alone at any point in the next 18 years. So long as the degree and form of that travel does not negatively impact on the childs needs or development.
If she wants to see paris for a couple of weeks - go for it. I do not see her suggesting going off without the child for a year of inter-railing for example.
But if she is harbouring resentment towards the child she herself chose to have - then there are - as you suggest - deeper issues at play here than her desire to travel.
You can do all the traveling you want child free when the child has turned 18.
I cannot even imagine having to "reconcile myself" to the fact that lack of traveling because of a child being born.
This thought process makes it appear that you resent this child before they have even been born.
Quote:
Originally Posted by monumentus
But if she is harbouring resentment towards the child she herself chose to have - then there are - as you suggest - deeper issues at play here than her desire to travel.
Many people are telling her she should never travel again now that she's a mother. There's no darn reason she can't continue to travel, but society is pressuring her to be someone she isn't. Why wouldn't she harbor resentment?
It's the criticism of others that is inappropriate. Maybe they're all harboring resentment for giving up traveling after they became parents. They gave into this weird social pressure, and now they're putting the same pressure on other new mothers. I've noticed this about society in many aspects of life. That may be why her mother reacted the way she did
When she expressed her feelings to her mother, her mother's first response should have been uplifting and supportive---explaining to her that her vacation days aren't over just because she's a mother. Instead, her mother wasn't much of a mother.
My sister has five children. Prior to marriage, she was in the navy and traveled all over the world. Last year, she told me that she missed traveling and regretted that she stopped traveling after having children. Her oldest is 14 and her youngest is 3. My response was GO TRAVEL!!!! So this summer, she is finally traveling without children for the first time in 15 years. I'm staying at her house for a week while she and her husband go on vacation to celebrate their anniversary.
When someone has regrets and resentment, the last thing they need is to "accept their fate" and "get over it." The healthy response is to make changes and compromises to find a balance that fulfills their needs in a way that they can still honor their responsibilities.
As I said I have a strong sense of duty...so I will fully care for everything the child needs. A parent's duty is to take care of their child. Hence the sadness that I know I cannot go on trips and keep that part of my old lifestyle. I'm not actually going to go to Paris ...if I were I wouldn't be feeling sad about my fake planned out Paris trip. Am I not allowed to feel sad about it?
Yes my child was planned but can't I feel sad still about my movements being restricted by them? Should I just ignore those feelings?
This is precisely what went wrong... Don't you feel any joy of becoming a mother? Something you look forward to? If all this was planned, don't you feel excited to become a mother? Don't you have plans for your baby? Aren't you busy preparing the nursery, looking up what to name your baby if it's a boy or a girl at all? Why are you preoccupied with future travel plans and ideas? No, you do not need to stop all your interests or stifle all your desires when you become a parent. But still, above all, the baby is your new priority. It is premature to start planning a trip when you haven't even given birth, knew what exactly their needs are. It's certainly possible to travel when your baby is still young, but you can only plan that when you know exactly what your baby's routines are and you have found an appropriate caregiver who is familiar enough to actually follow those. Be prepared to cancel your vacation too if your baby gets sick.
My wife and I also love traveling, but what I find disturbing here is that you seem to be MOURNING instead of being happy. We have been to Paris before, and we have also experienced parenthood. I can tell you this... During the first year of being a parent, we used to take photos of our baby every month and were extremely happy to witness our daughter's first smile, our daughter's first rollover, our daughter's first intake of food aside from milk, our daughter's first words, etc. There's a lot of happiness in these experiences, I won't miss it to travel somewhere else unless absolutely necessary. Paris can wait. I can tell you that for me, going to the Eiffel Tower is not worth missing some of your baby's firsts... You certainly can go if you do the necessary arrangements, but my advice is better after your baby's first birthday. And please, stop planning or mourning before you give birth!
I'm not saying I want to travel all year round. Just a couple nice child free trips once or twice a year (at most). So it is hard to reconcile myself to the fact that this wouldn't be able to happen.
You're not going to get child free anything while your baby is a baby. You'll be lucky to get child free bathroom breaks. You have some growing up to do.
You'll be lucky to get child free bathroom breaks.
This is so true! I remember being relieved when I returned to work because I could eat a meal and go to the bathroom uninterrupted. These are life's simply pleasures you take for granted until you have a baby. I even took my baby into the bathroom with a bouncy seat while I took a shower.
That said, there can be some child free time during the first year, but it takes time to learn how to carve it out.
I don't think you are being selfish. I do think that you have no idea how your life is about to change. Now is not the time to be planning a trip. Eventually you will be able to travel, but not right away. How far away and how long depends on your comfort level I guess. I did leave my kids for a week once but I didn't leave the US. If the baby got hurt or sick, think of how long it would take you to get home.
And, no, the point of a vacation isn't to relax w/o your kids. For us the point is to expose them to places and things they can't get at home. We travel with our kids.
You can do all the traveling you want child free when the child has turned 18.
I cannot even imagine having to "reconcile myself" to the fact that lack of traveling because of a child being born.
This thought process makes it appear that you resent this child before they have even been born.
Why should she wait that long? She can travel with the child to many places.
Oh my god people! Give her some slack! She hasn't even had the baby yet! And when she does she will find out about the change. You say you want to travel without the kiddo. Well Hun, i know you can't fathom this now but you will totally change once the baby comes.
You will travel. It will happen. You will take trips without the kiddo. Kids love staying at Grandpa and Grandma's house for the summer, or go off to camp, etc... But you will feel bad. You will miss the baby.
Its hard to explain because I didn't fully understand when I was pregnant either so I'm not going to bash you. I'll just sit back and nod my head with a smug, all knowing smile on my face, knowing that your attitude will change.
You are not selfish and immature. You are just not a mom yet.
And, no, the point of a vacation isn't to relax w/o your kids. For us the point is to expose them to places and things they can't get at home.We travel with our kids.
Traveling with a spouse doesn't necessarily mean there isn't family travel too. Many parents do both.
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