The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (ideas, babies)
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It takes character to do the right thing. I'm still hoping dd has some and does the right thing. I am certainly not going to make doing the wrong thing easy for her.
Ivory you've made a big deal about being anti-abortion.
Now you better step up and prove you're pro-life. Otherwise you're all talk. A pregnant woman should NOT be sleeping in a car. YOU have a place for her. It's the same bed she slept in before you tossed her out to live in a car.
You think she should be sleeping in a car while she goes through a pregnancy? Really? YOU have the ability to put her in a safe bed at night. Do the right thing.
SMDH. She's pregnant. She should not have been in a car one single night when YOU are able to put her in a bed in your home.
I don't think it has to be all or nothing if it came to letting her stay at your house for a short time. You could define and enforce the boundaries. For example, you could say, "You can stay for a maximum of 6 months as this will be the maximum amount of time it will take to save up for an apartment of your own. You have to be working full time while you stay here and you have to be putting all of your money that is not currently tied up in bills towards saving for your apartment. Your boyfriend is not allowed to stay in our house, just you." And then stick to it.
I am. I'm forcing her to grow up. Lord knows she needs to before this baby is born. If ever there was a time to force her to face her own screw ups, this is it.
Wow, I would be so sad to find out that my grandmother had said about my impending arrival, "It's pick your poison time."
You don't have control of anything in this situation except YOUR ATTITUDE about it. You are going to be a grandmother. Be a good one. Treat your daughter like a capable adult which in fact she is, whether she chooses to behave that way or not.
This is not the time to alienate her or to present your view of her child as a problem.
I am. I'm forcing her to grow up. Lord knows she needs to before this baby is born. If ever there was a time to force her to face her own screw ups, this is it.
She is still your daughter. And your pregnant daughter is homeless. You could let her stay with you while at the same time establishing and enforcing strict rules and boundaries. Letting her be homeless is not the only way to get her to grow up. I'm sure the pregnancy has been or will be a wake up call for her. You are her mother and are in a position to help and you can help without being an enabler.
Ivory you've made a big deal about being anti-abortion.
Now you better step up and prove you're pro-life. Otherwise you're all talk. A pregnant woman should NOT be sleeping in a car. YOU have a place for her. It's the same bed she slept in before you tossed her out to live in a car.
You think she should be sleeping in a car while she goes through a pregnancy? Really ?Or relying on the welfare system? After all your complaints about it? Wow. Talk about hutzpah. You've got it in spades. YOU have the ability to put her in a safe bed at night. Do the right thing.
If she gives the baby up, she can get everything related to her pregnancy taken care of including a place to live.
I don't like people who abuse welfare but she hasn't left herself any choices here if she insists on keeping the baby. She did not finish her education. She did not get any kind of job training. She got herself knocked up when she was unable to care for the child. This is what welfare is for. I don't like it but we have to take care of the screw ups in society for the sake of their children. Unfortunately, my dd is a screw up. I have no hope left for her growing up and making a good life for herself and her kids. It's damage control time and bailing her out doesn't control any damage. It multiplies the damage.
If you recall I did not want to throw her out before. I knew this would be her next step because she thinks someone else will take care of her if she has a baby. The problem with that is it's she who must take care of the baby. And yes, I think living a life on welfare might teach her something here. It won't be the life she wants. Maybe that will motivate her to do something with her life. I know that bailing her out is the wrong thing to do. NONE of our choices are good ones now that the worst thing that could have happened has happened. It is time to force her to grow up. Period. It is not time to rely on her parents to bail her out. That's what kids do. She's not a kid anymore. She's about the become a parent.
I will help her figure out what kind of help is out there. I will help her find a place to live that isn't here. After that, she's on her own. The best thing I can give this baby is parents who are responsible adults. That won't happen if I bail her out.
Tough love is never easy but I know that bailing her out is the wrong thing to do here. It will only encourage her to keep the baby when that is the wrong thing for her to do. She needs to put her baby first and do right by her baby. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean playing mommy. She needs to let someone better equipped play mommy. No matter what she chooses, this will be the hardest thing she has done in her life. She didn't leave herself any easy choices.
I don't think it has to be all or nothing if it came to letting her stay at your house for a short time. You could define and enforce the boundaries. For example, you could say, "You can stay for a maximum of 6 months as this will be the maximum amount of time it will take to save up for an apartment of your own. You have to be working full time while you stay here and you have to be putting all of your money that is not currently tied up in bills towards saving for your apartment. Your boyfriend is not allowed to stay in our house, just you." And then stick to it.
Part of the dynamic here is that Ivory has trouble enforcing boundaries, and the dynamic at home is not a positive one. It is a step in the wrong direction for her to return home. Nothing will ever change there. IF Ivory would actually give her a place to live and insist she make steps toward independence, that might work. But DD has a track record of not doing her part, and what is Ivory going to do--throw her out WITH the child? Throw her out at 8 months pregnant?! I think helping her find her way outside the home is a better course.
All the angst about a barely-pregnant young, healthy woman sleeping in a car is ridiculous. It will not hurt her or the baby, and it might lead the two of them to see that they need to nut up and take care of the situation.
If it were me, I would indicate that I am available to help her as she moves forward with the right choices, that I believe in her ability to do so.
I would invite her for dinner at the house daily to make sure she is getting proper nutrition. I would make the atmosphere positive or at least not the usual negative when she is at the house.
I would give her leads on jobs or apartments, and maybe on programs to help her with parenting skills or nutrition. If you can be positive when you are with her, you could even go to the classes with her.
I would give her information on educational programs that offer a step up in marketable skills with minimal time commitment (clerical/computer skills, etc., that make her immediately employable in a decent job with some chance of moving up--office skills will make her employable with a temp service as well.)
I would ask my adult daughter what support she needs from me in order to make this adult life outside my home, which she has chosen, work.
And when the baby arrives I would be the most fabulous grandma ever, because that kid's going to need it.
If she gives the baby up, she can get everything related to her pregnancy taken care of including a place to live.
I don't like people who abuse welfare but she hasn't left herself any choices here if she insists on keeping the baby. She did not finish her education. She did not get any kind of job training. She got herself knocked up when she was unable to care for the child. This is what welfare is for. I don't like it but we have to take care of the screw ups in society for the sake of their children. Unfortunately, my dd is a screw up. I have no hope left for her growing up and making a good life for herself and her kids. It's damage control time and bailing her out doesn't control any damage. It multiplies the damage.
If you recall I did not want to throw her out before. I knew this would be her next step because she thinks someone else will take care of her if she has a baby. The problem with that is it's she who must take care of the baby. And yes, I think living a life on welfare might teach her something here. It won't be the life she wants. Maybe that will motivate her to do something with her life. I know that bailing her out is the wrong thing to do. NONE of our choices are good ones now that the worst thing that could have happened has happened. It is time to force her to grow up. Period. It is not time to rely on her parents to bail her out. That's what kids do. She's not a kid anymore. She's about the become a parent.
I will help her figure out what kind of help is out there. I will help her find a place to live that isn't here. After that, she's on her own. The best thing I can give this baby is parents who are responsible adults. That won't happen if I bail her out.
she isn't an adult because she had sex and got pregnant! she is still a kid in an adult situation that is way over her maturity level. this is the time she needs your support more than anything. you don't have to enable her but you should be supportive that is what a parent does. being a parent doesn't end when a kid becaomes 18 it goes on until you die. with the way you plan on treating her and how she will have to live because of your stance do not be surprised if she doesn't want much to with you after she gets on her feet nor would I expect her to extend much a a relationship to you with your grandchild. why should she want you to get to have the fun that a grandkid brings when your choice for her was to sleep in a car when she was pregnant as opposed to sleeping in her room she slept in before this all happened.
The best thing you can do for everyone involved is let them sort out their own lives.
They are adults. Bailing them out or doing their legwork for them only screws them up more.
Hey should consider putting the baby up for adoption as that is the child's best chance.
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