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I have a young teen who is a freshman. He's always been outspoken and stubborn and never afraid to speak his mind. These traits, although I find them favorable most of the time, I know can be irritating to other people like teachers and coaches and classmates.
He joined a sports team at his school and seemed to get along well with his teammates throughout the season. There seemed to be some good natured bullying from the older kids and I chalked that up to typical freshman initiation. For instance, if he got tired during conditioning or workouts and stopped, they would pick on him. Or they would give him a hard time the next day and tell him not to be a wimp during practice. Again- nothing I worried about and as a matter of fact, I knew the older kids (captains) were doing their job by trying to get him fired up.
Well they are through the first part of their season and are now in a conditioning phase. They are using the weight room and doing some running after school every day. Although this part of the sport is optional, my son stays after school every day to work out and condition. He enjoys participating and is committed to his sport.
Over the last couple of weeks I have seen his attitude change and for the last two days he has called me to pick him up early. Apparently, the older kids are giving him a hard time about his weight room practices. They tell him he can't lift a certain weight and of course he does to prove to them that he can. They then tell him he's cheating...... He is no shrinking violet, so he mouths off to them and it becomes a *****ing match of words.
These kids have shoved him away from weight sets and told him he's not lifting properly. They have called him some names (some not so nice) and he has become fed up. Yesterday he wanted to quit the team and I told him that was fine but he had to either talk to his coach or write him an e mail explaining why. Well after cooling off he decided he wanted to stay on the team and went to practice today. The results were similar- the kids wouldn't let him work out because he's not doing it right. Three or four of them have really bashed him verbally. One thing he repeated is that one senior told him that he needs to stop arguing all the time and start listening to what they tell him.
This set off some alarms in my mind- because he can exasperate me sometimes with his arguing. He's a good kid but like I said, very outspoken and stubborn. He's a bit of a late bloomer and has been very hormonal lately- he's a good kid, I don't see any signs of trouble other than being easily frustrated and very determined to be his own person- so the older kid being aggravated with him makes perfect sense to me.
Anyway, he's talking about leaving the team again. I told him he needs to talk to his coach or I would. He told me he's not a baby and he can handle this himself. I think it's good that he does- but if his attitude is argumentative I don't know if I need to reach out to the coach as well to find out how difficult he's being.
I know the coach likes him- and I'm not sure he would be ok with the bullying and name calling that his older kids are doing. But I know I need to let go and stop being too protective. I don't want him to be known as the kid who's mom tells on other kids for being mean.
So I really don't know what to do. Part of me wants to let him handle it. The other part of me wants to swoop in and have a talk with his coach.
Like I said, although he's hormonal and moody, he's really a good kid. He doesn't go to parties, I always know exactly where he is. I know his friends and his friend's parents. We have a very open relationship and I have no concerns about any major problems (drugs, etc). I think he's just trying to become a man and handle things on his own. But he can be such a buster sometimes.
Any advice from VETERANS of raising teen boys would be appreciated.
I agree about not going to the coach, but I would talk with your son. Have you asked him what they are saying about "not lifting the weights right". I use to lift weights and I had to be taught how to lift weights right. Talk with him and ask what exactly are they saying, is there possibly something to what they are saying "Not saying that these kids are right". It there a place locally "gym" for weight training that you could take him to or a weight trainer?? This way a professional can help him and when he goes to the gym, if these kids keep up this behavior he can tell them they don't know what they are talking about or they may see that he knows what he is doing and will leave him alone. As a parent it is difficult not to jump in and protect your child, he is now at that age where you can't jump in you need to help him find the solutions for him to implement. Kids are soooo cruel in school, mine are adults now but went through hell because they didn't fit in. I found it very difficult not to jump in and I couldn't condone fighting. Sometimes all you can do is be their sense of reason.
PG, maybe he can work out with one of the younger guys on the team? Or maybe ask one of the senior members what exactly it is that he is doing "wrong" and showing him how to do it?
If he feels comfortable with one the of the older guys, maybe he can ask one of them to kind of take him under his wing(I know, teenage boys don't talk like that). but you know what I mean.
When my son started high school, there was a BIG change in him. He and I had always been real close, always able to talk, give hugs and such. Once his voice started changing and he started shaving, he wasn't mama's boy anymore. It's gonna be tough to let go and let him make this decision for himself. I do agree with you about him contacting the coach if he wants to quit. Maybe he can mention to the coach that it's been said that he isn't lifting correctly, the coach may be able to assign him to a senior member?
Just thoughts girlie. It's tough on us parents, wanting them to grow up but still feel like we want to "fix" things for them.
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
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Athletics is tough. The fact is that I would let him decide if he wants to stick it out or not. The older teammates are not going to let up on him until he does the task right and it is not that they are picking on him per se but that they all expect each member to give 110% to the effort and this includes practices, workouts and training. When somebody slacks they feel like that person is letting the team down. I would tell him to toughen up and take it like a man. Learn from it and be the best you can be.
i think you should stay out of it. i have a son who sounds similar (argues with great talent/should become an attorney) but who also tends to have a slight chip on his shoulder. maybe your son would actually benefit from listening to the other kids who are telling him to lift weights a certain way?
sooner or later your son is going to have to take orders from a boss and it's probably wise if he learn how to accept other's criticism. i feel for you as my son can get into some tricky situations because of his high self esteem.
My son is on the JV basketball team at his new school and is experiencing similar problems. I thought about going to the coach, but decided not to. I told my son that it was his hazing period. That he is part of the team and he needed to show that he was the bigger person by his reactions/responses, not try to match their behavior. That if he does what they are doing, he will be just as wrong as they are.
This is a lesson that they must learn on their own (unless it becomes abusive physically or verbally, ie- true bullying). It's like when they were young and you had to watch them fall off their bike when learning to ride their two wheeler.
Great advice and posts here, BTW. I wasn't sure about not going to the coach, but now I'm glad that I didn't.
I pretty much knew I shouldn't talk to the coach- and I know I have to adjust to letting him deal with his own problems.
This morning I asked him if he was going to practice today- he said yes. I told him that maybe he should try to do exactly what they say today. He told me that he always does.
Pirate Girl - I'm coming to this thread late, but.....I have a son who is now 33 and I STILL remember his school years - I think they were harder on me than they were on him! <g>
I agree with the others here, going to the coach would not be a good thing. Part of the process of growing up is learning how to deal with others in various areas of life. Your son will find a way to deal with the older kids. Had you gone to the coach, it would have eventually "gotten out" and it would have been worse for your son...sort of along the lines of "Oh XXX couldn't handle it, had to have his MOMMY call the coach..." type of thing, then there would have been a whole new set of problems.
I think you've handled it well and your son will find his way. My son was also outspoken....I still remember being called in to talk to his 4th grade teacher....She sat me down and told me "we" had a problem with my son. I asked what it was and she said, "He was on the playground and walked past me and I heard him tell XXX that I smelled like a barnyard!" I just looked at her and said, "Well, did you?" <g> She had no answer for that and I never got called in again.
Kids find their way, we just sometimes have to sit back and let them, even if it is hard....sometimes I think it's harder on us than it is on them! <g>
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