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I decided to post here after reading many helpful and supportive posts from the community.
I am an only child, a junior in high school.
My mom constantly yells at me, comparing me to other people, nagging me, questioning me, and insulting me and sometimes she will hit me with a ruler.
More on this below, but first I feel my mother's actions are greatly related to how she was raised.
Before immigrating to America, my mom was born and raised during the 1960's in a third-world country known as Mynnmar (Burma). As such, she went to work at a young age so there was food on the table. As the Asian demographic is know for, her parents were very strict, disciplining my mom and her 3 siblings in ways Americans would now consider to be harsh, pushing the boundaries. Spanking was common in many families, at school too.
my mother and I argue with each other once every few weeks, often enough to make me consider therepy. Why? I usually end up in tears, sobbing in my bedroom, upset by her harsh words. The fights usually stem from minor things - not making my bed, oversleeping, being picky, etc.
The worst part is my mom's favorite type of lecture to give me: compare me to other people/objects and insulting me. I can never forget when she threatened to use the ruler, saying "You're like a dog or a horse, because they only obey if you whip or prod them!" This upset me, her inplying that I am like a farm animal, also I love all animals so this was extra hurtful emotionally.
Another line she loves to use is "Stop it right now! You don't want to end up as [insert occupation looked down upon], do you?!" It hurts my feelings, suggesting that I were a maid, homeless person, criminal, etc. one time she yelled, "You don't want to end up in a foster home, do you, with no TV or video games, providing for yourself, unloved?!" I broke down, this comment implied the notion of being disowned by my own parents.
Also, my mom compares me to her friends, both good and bad. "Why can't you be like Ryan? He's the same age as you, has a 4.8 GPA, participates in marching band and soccer too. Not to mention he was awarded X and Y for his achievements in Z." Why can't my mother understand how this makes me feel, how everyone isn't a genius or exceptionally estudious?
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, "Don't become like Sandy now. That iresponsible aunt of yours, now struggling to pay rent, has three kids who are failing in school, can't hold down a job without getting fired. And as a child your grandmother yelled at her, forced her to finish school. Do you know how many welts and bruises your aunt recived, how many privlages she lost? Marks and scars everywhere, and I don't want to know how Sandy would have lived if she wasn't disciplined that way." This led me to cry, in between sobs sniffling, "I know you can't hear me, but I'm sorry that my mom said that, Sandy. You know as well as I do that she and my grandmother are set in stone with hot tempers. Despite all you've been though, you are the kindest and hardest working person I know. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Then there's the insults, things a mother should never say to any child, "You are dumb. You don't know anything about life, about how to take care of yourself. Shut up! I don't want to hear another word out of you."
"If I hit you with all my might this instant, you would be ground to a pulp! Do you know that?!" "Maybe you don't know the clear line between good and bad, were never taught how to behave properly?
My honest opinion? My mother thinks all these comments she uses will deter me from becoming like Sandy, acting like a dog, that I will alter my life so I won't turn out to be a homeless person or a maid when I grow up. However, I percive her words as rude, insulting, extremely upsetting, downright unacceptable and mean at times. Why doesn't she understand how this negetivly impacts me, how it makes me feel?
In addition to her words, she will hit me with any elongated object that is within arm's reach if she is infruriated enough. A back scratcher, the remote control, a ruler, scissors, anything nearby. Once my thighs and legs suffered bruises from a rod made of some kind of heavy metal, it stung badly, she used a lot of force because I do not bruise very easily (if I trip and fall onto pavement, there is always no bruising, besides a bleeding cut or two).
I know many of you will reply saying that I should try and talk to her. Well I have tried many times, calmly explaining my thoughts as stated above. Yet my mom won't listen, she always retorts back with one of her lectures/comparisons/insults, yelling at me. I tell my mom to stop with these words, to not yell at me, to not be so unwavering, and to please calmly explain why and how it is wrong to do this or that, not lecture me.
She will not listen no matter what I try. A few times I have grown so scared of her hitting me, when she threatens me I plead "Mom, please, stop it! Hitting me won't teach me anything, you yelling and lecturing me every time hurts my feelings. STOP." Then I run upstairs and lock the door. I can always overhear my mom downstairs, continuing to rant into thin air about how I never do this/that, how I need to act, how I need to behave myself, how I need to change my life.
My mom has replyed to me, angry: "You want to know why I don't change?! It's because you won't listen to me otherwise, I have to force you, teach you otherwise you will never change!"
Why can't my mom realize that I'm a teanager, I'm not perfect, and that We live in 2015 America not 1960's Burma? Although she probaly doesn't realize it, everything has really fractured our relationship, she expects so much of me. To be perfectly obedient, to get perfect straight A's, to act properly. I can't stand it, I'm only 16, I'm not perfect, teens are still developing, searching for the right path in life.
What are your thoughts?
Last edited by ScholarlyTeen; 02-02-2015 at 04:29 AM..
What are your plans after high school? I think at this point you need a laser-like focus on where your are heading because you need to be able to get yourself out of this situation as quickly as possible.
It sounds to me like you are enduring physical abuse, actionable if reported to authorities, but doing so could jeopardize your future the second you turn 18 so you have to think long-term.
Is there a guidance counselor at school or a trusted teacher who could guide you to possible options? Be aware that if you tell them of the physical abuse they are required to report it so you may want to just say you have a bad home life you need to get out of as soon as high school ends and leave it at that.
Dual enrollment classes in a community college towards and AA degree or a technical certificate are the first things that I'd consider if you were here but I don't know what your school offers.
You must get a job and start saving. It will give you some financial security and keep you out of the house, away from her.
I am not condoning her behavior at all or trying to suggest you should tolerate it from anyone, but you are at a very delicate point in your life and very vulnerable when you hit 18 so you must think long term.
I am soooo deeply sorry, for this situation you have to endure. I think the 1st reply was an excellent one, however.... my gut says differently. You need to march down to the nearest police station and file Domestic Violence charges against your Mother.
1... it will get you to a SAFE place.
2... Your Mother will hopefully get the therapy she deeply needs.
Just remember.... someday you might be a parent. That makes her a grandma. What kind of grandma do you want for your child?
I think you should speak with the guidance counselor at your school or a teacher you trust and confide in them. Keep your grades up, stay out of trouble, and soon you can go away to college. I'll tell you what I tell my kids; I don't expect perfection, I do expect your best effort. Its very courageous of you to come here and ask for help. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.
I would also talk to a counselor at school, but be prepared for them to call the police. What happens if you try to physically defend yourself? You are 16 and a physical adult. What would you do if a stranger tried to hit you with something? Are you strong enough to grab her hands, push her away, or take things out of her hands? Maybe once she realizes that you are physically strong enough to stop her, she will stop trying to hit you.
Like Dragonmam said, I think you should keep your head low, set high goals for yourself and focus on your studies. Your ticket out of this situation is a college scholarship in another city. Do you play any sports or a musical instrument? If so, those are other avenues of scholarships. Get a part-time job if you can do so and keep your grades up. That will keep you out of the house and away from the abuse. If you can't do that, stay away from her as much as possible, either at the library or in your room.
Go to the school counselor's office and tell her/him you are intent on going to school in another city and will need scholarship help. Cultivate a relationship with that person and start doing other scholarship research online.
I understand the advice to report the instances of domestic violence, but if you're removed from the home, you'll go into foster care and that will be disruptive and will possibly subject you to further abuse. You won't be able to focus on your grades or planning for the long term
You are very insightful in recognizing that your mother is parenting from another era and another country. She's not going to change, so you have to get yourself out of that situation in the best way possible.
I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you the best of luck.
The only suggestion I have for you is to study and study hard. Focus on things that matter in the long run. Reporting her is not going to help you in the long run, if I am not mistaken. get a scholarship, suck it up for the next 2 years and MOVE OUT.
I decided to post here after reading many helpful and supportive posts from the community.
I am an only child, a junior in high school.
My mom constantly yells at me, comparing me to other people, nagging me, questioning me, and insulting me and sometimes she will hit me with a ruler.
More on this below, but first I feel my mother's actions are greatly related to how she was raised.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScholarlyTeen
Before immigrating to America, my mom was born and raised during the 1960's in a third-world country known as Mynnmar (Burma). As such, she went to work at a young age so there was food on the table. As the Asian demographic is know for, her parents were very strict, disciplining my mom and her 3 siblings in ways Americans would now consider to be harsh, pushing the boundaries. Spanking was common in many families, at school too.
It is good that you realize where your mom's ideas come from, but this doesn't make them right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScholarlyTeen
my mother and I argue with each other once every few weeks, often enough to make me consider therepy. Why? I usually end up in tears, sobbing in my bedroom, upset by her harsh words. The fights usually stem from minor things - not making my bed, oversleeping, being picky, etc.
The worst part is my mom's favorite type of lecture to give me: compare me to other people/objects and insulting me. I can never forget when she threatened to use the ruler, saying "You're like a dog or a horse, because they only obey if you whip or prod them!" This upset me, her inplying that I am like a farm animal, also I love all animals so this was extra hurtful emotionally.
Another line she loves to use is "Stop it right now! You don't want to end up as [insert occupation looked down upon], do you?!" It hurts my feelings, suggesting that I were a maid, homeless person, criminal, etc. one time she yelled, "You don't want to end up in a foster home, do you, with no TV or video games, providing for yourself, unloved?!" I broke down, this comment implied the notion of being disowned by my own parents.
Would she pay for therapy if you asked? Somehow I doubt it.
There is nothing wrong with being a maid, btw. She should, however, know your character and that you will not become a criminal. Homelessness is not always the person's fault though.
Her view of animals is incorrect too. No good animal trainer suggests whipping or prodding the animal to get it to obey. That produces animals who react aggressively or animals who become passive and beaten down.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScholarlyTeen
Also, my mom compares me to her friends, both good and bad. "Why can't you be like Ryan? He's the same age as you, has a 4.8 GPA, participates in marching band and soccer too. Not to mention he was awarded X and Y for his achievements in Z." Why can't my mother understand how this makes me feel, how everyone isn't a genius or exceptionally estudious?
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, "Don't become like Sandy now. That iresponsible aunt of yours, now struggling to pay rent, has three kids who are failing in school, can't hold down a job without getting fired. And as a child your grandmother yelled at her, forced her to finish school. Do you know how many welts and bruises your aunt recived, how many privlages she lost? Marks and scars everywhere, and I don't want to know how Sandy would have lived if she wasn't disciplined that way." This led me to cry, in between sobs sniffling, "I know you can't hear me, but I'm sorry that my mom said that, Sandy. You know as well as I do that she and my grandmother are set in stone with hot tempers. Despite all you've been though, you are the kindest and hardest working person I know. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
[color="Blue"]I am sorry you are being compared to others. You are uniquely yourself and your mother should not be comparing you to anyone else. OTOH, do you have good qualities you can point out to her or at least use to tell yourself how you are good. Look into doing some activities to enhance your self-esteem.
Get a small journal and when you wake up each morning, look in the mirror and give yourself three compliments that you then record in your journal. Make a self-collage using pictures from magazines that show what you can do. Set up goals for yourself and record when you reach them. [color="Blue"]
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScholarlyTeen
Then there's the insults, things a mother should never say to any child, "You are dumb. You don't know anything about life, about how to take care of yourself. Shut up! I don't want to hear another word out of you."
"If I hit you with all my might this instant, you would be ground to a pulp! Do you know that?!" "Maybe you don't know the clear line between good and bad, were never taught how to behave properly?
My honest opinion? My mother thinks all these comments she uses will deter me from becoming like Sandy, acting like a dog, that I will alter my life so I won't turn out to be a homeless person or a maid when I grow up. However, I percive her words as rude, insulting, extremely upsetting, downright unacceptable and mean at times. Why doesn't she understand how this negetivly impacts me, how it makes me feel?
Her words are more likely to hurt you than to help you. As for why she doesn't understand the negative impact, she has probably never had to think about this before. How is her self-esteem? She was a victim of this before you were and may not think very well of herself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScholarlyTeen
In addition to her words, she will hit me with any elongated object that is within arm's reach if she is infruriated enough. A back scratcher, the remote control, a ruler, scissors, anything nearby. Once my thighs and legs suffered bruises from a rod made of some kind of heavy metal, it stung badly, she used a lot of force because I do not bruise very easily (if I trip and fall onto pavement, there is always no bruising, besides a bleeding cut or two).
Can you stay out of her way? This is physical abuse, but if you report it, you may be placed in foster care which can be better or worse depending upon the foster parents. How would she react if you simply stayed in your room or had after school activities that kept you out of the house? What about a part time job? That way you could earn money as well as stay away from her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScholarlyTeen
I know many of you will reply saying that I should try and talk to her. Well I have tried many times, calmly explaining my thoughts as stated above. Yet my mom won't listen, she always retorts back with one of her lectures/comparisons/insults, yelling at me. I tell my mom to stop with these words, to not yell at me, to not be so unwavering, and to please calmly explain why and how it is wrong to do this or that, not lecture me.
She will not listen no matter what I try. A few times I have grown so scared of her hitting me, when she threatens me I plead "Mom, please, stop it! Hitting me won't teach me anything, you yelling and lecturing me every time hurts my feelings. STOP." Then I run upstairs and lock the door. I can always overhear my mom downstairs, continuing to rant into thin air about how I never do this/that, how I need to act, how I need to behave myself, how I need to change my life.
My mom has replyed to me, angry: "You want to know why I don't change?! It's because you won't listen to me otherwise, I have to force you, teach you otherwise you will never change!"
What is it she wants you to change? Your grades? Is there something you can try to change that would work for her to see that you are trying?Pleading isn't talking to her, btw. You need to sit down when she is NOT enraged and talk to her calmly. That might not work, but it may be worth a try.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScholarlyTeen
Why can't my mom realize that I'm a teanager, I'm not perfect, and that We live in 2015 America not 1960's Burma? Although she probaly doesn't realize it, everything has really fractured our relationship, she expects so much of me. To be perfectly obedient, to get perfect straight A's, to act properly. I can't stand it, I'm only 16, I'm not perfect, teens are still developing, searching for the right path in life.
What are your thoughts?
I agree that teenagers are not perfect. Still perhaps there are some things both of you can change. Is there a family therapist she would see with you? Is your dad in the picture? What about other relatives?
Ever think that maybe if you do what youre told that you wont have all that happen to you? Just because youre a teeenager doesnt mean you get to do whatever you want and claim "im searching for my path". You want your path it starts at the door and leads outward. When you turn 18 and move out you can go find your path but until you walk the straight and narrow.
Whether it be the 60's or the 2010's kids are still supposed to do what theyre told, when theyre told to do it. Parents dont like being blown off.
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