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Well, we can't always be proud of our childrens' choices, but we can leave the light on, if you know what I mean, most of the time. Just as there are toxic parents, there are also toxic children though...adult kids aren't the only ones who can opt to cut someone toxic out of their lives. But as a parent, it's more difficult, I think. There's always that image of that little dependent child in our minds and hearts.
My oldest son is my high maintenance, drama-filled, impulsive, emotionally draining adult child. Sometimes all of us - myself, his siblings, even my parents, have to "give ourselves a break" from him. He's the only one of my kids whose phone calls I don't always answer. Sometimes I just can't deal with him. I feel bad about it at times but I also know that 95 percent of the advice HE ASKS FOR, he totally disregards. It's distressing.
Perfect example from just the other day, "Hey, Mom - as if I don't have enough troubles in my life, I just got in a car accident...yeah, I'm OK...yeah, well my car is so beat up anyway, what's one more dent...no, I didn't get her information...nawww, I'm not going to file a claim....yeah, she rear ended me but she's an old lady, you know? She was so upset, I didn't want to make her more upset...I'll be OK...naw, I guess I just won't get the car fixed..."
Translation: "Hey, Mom - I am not going to do anything you suggest, but I wanted to let you know my latest drama here in Guam so you can, oh, I don't know, just think about it. I'm OK but the beater car I bought for $1700 even though I had just gotten a $20,000 severance package from the US Army but I'd rather spend that money on partying for two months rather than buying a dependable vehicle has another dent in it. I didn't bother to exchange information with the 40 year old woman who rear ended me, because she started hollering and crying. My neck hurts but so what. Just wanted you to worry."
Sigh.
At least he's communicating, and that's a good thing, because I certainly don't have a phone number for him. This is because he changes phone numbers all the time for some inexplicable reason. His most recent calls have come from a number that shows up as "unknown."
Why is he in Guam? That's another long, ridiculous story. If I think about that whole scenario, my head will explode.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 03-26-2015 at 06:12 AM..
Perfect example from just the other day, "Hey, Mom - as if I don't have enough troubles in my life, I just got in a car accident...yeah, I'm OK...yeah, well my car is so beat up anyway, what's one more dent...no, I didn't get her information...nawww, I'm not going to file a claim....yeah, she rear ended me but she's an old lady, you know? She was so upset, I didn't want to make her more upset...I'll be OK...naw, I guess I just won't get the car fixed..."
Translation: "Hey, Mom - I am not going to do anything you suggest, but I wanted to let you know my latest drama here in Guam so you can, oh, I don't know, just think about it. I'm OK but the beater car I bought for $1700 even though I had just gotten a $20,000 severance package from the US Army but I'd rather spend that money on partying for two months rather than buying a dependable vehicle has another dent in it. I didn't bother to exchange information with the 40 year old woman who rear ended me, because she started hollering and crying. My neck hurts but so what. Just wanted you to worry."
Loved the translation! And at least it sounds as though you are keeping your sense of humor!! (Good for you!)
Also, I know what you mean about not wanting to answer his calls! It used to be that before my daughter started to get her life straight, whenever she called, I had to take a deep breath after mentally asking myself "Now what", and sometimes debated whether or not to answer -- and sometimes I didn't!
Last edited by katharsis; 03-26-2015 at 07:03 AM..
Thank you so much for your very kind words. They are appreciated much more than you can ever know.
Also a note of support to you and a virtual hug. A big huge to the other posters here facing challenges. Your story may be mine in 10 years. Also to the OP because I can relate.
My kids are also adopted and my daughter has been challenged with many issues over the years....behaviorally. She is now 15 and we've made great progress but it has been a tough, rocky road. Maturity seems to be helping but she still has some very undesirable personality traits which unfortunately may get her into trouble as an adult. We keep plugging away but it has been really, really hard.
Prior to all of this, I was a rather unemphathetic twit in many ways (prior to kids). Our neighbors started having serious problems with one of their sons and I would sit back and think...."oh, bad parenting?" Now I understand. While no family is perfect, raising kids is always a dice roll. Some turn out fantastic in spite of bad beginnings, others make poor choices. With kids from really bad circumstances like my daughter, it adds an additional layer of complexity.
I've also learned how unemphathetic and mean spirited folks can be. I was one of them (at least in my mind...I never said a thing). Because of all her challenges and problems at school, we became pariahs in our neighborhood to a few families who unfortunately were quite influential. Being glared at, gossiped about....every single day....is enough to really get your spirits down. We eventually made an out of state move and a fresh new start had done wonders for her and my mental well being. I can understand your feelings of isolation very well. Aside from a few good friends, it has been a rather isolating experince. Here in our new state, I'm trying to reach out and make new friends.
She's 28...going on 14 maturity-wise. She was far more mature as a 14-17 year old girl than she is now
Hi, Rhiannon -- just had a thought for you after I read and responded to Kathryn's post.
Does your daughter call you at all?
After she left home (after saying that she hated us and that she never wanted to see us again EVER), starting from about two months from then, she would still call us almost like clockwork once a month for the most trivial reasons (such as asking me for a recipe when she didn't even have a stove). It got to the point where if 35 days had gone by without hearing from her, either my husband or I would say, "We should be hearing from her today or tomorrow" -- and, yep, either later that day or the next she would call. Because she suffered from attachment and abandonment issues (from being neglected by bio mom and then taken from her at age five), I was told by several people that she needed to reassure herself that we were still there for her. I -- very cynically, but with very good reason to be cynical -- would reply, "Yeah . . . in case she needs money!" However, she never did ask us for anything after she moved out.
I was also told that as long as parents did their best for their children when they were young, even the most "foolish" and rebellious would eventually try to reconnect with them. My reaction, again, was "Yeah, right." However, my daughter proved them to be right and me to be wrong (at least in our case).
P.S. One thing that I want to add is that I did NOT act overjoyed when my daughter called when we were estranged. I was warmly (not coldly) polite, but that was all. (Yes, things had been THAT bad between us!) As another of my daughter's issues was the need to always be in control, it might have been that my indifference to her calls caused her to want me to try -- again -- to bond with her. However, maybe that is not true. Because my daughter was so messed up, I never could understand what was going through her mind (and, btw, what applied to her might very well NOT apply to most estranged children). Anyway, I have definitely learned to "never say never." So, again, I would NOT "give up" on your daughter! Maybe she will try to reach out to you and maybe she won't, but I KNOW by your posts that you were (and are) a good and caring mom.
I do think that one mistake that many parents make is complaining about their adult children and their horrible choices to the world. Maybe they do it for sympathy, maybe they do it for support, or maybe they do it to vent. Or maybe a combination of the three?
Regardless, the problem that it creates is that everyone now has an opinion of their child. It gets around, and the adult child does hear about it and knows that the parent has been talking badly about them. Now, they feel even more hurt and estranged from their parents, and in many cases, it's even more of an excuse to screw up..."Well, everybody thinks I'm a screw up anyway...forget them." Plus, when adult child and parents make up (as they usually do), everyone still has something negative to say...
We all make mistakes. A lot of people fight demons that many people don't understand. It can seem so strange to see someone who you know was raised right go through seemingly self-inflicted hard times. The thing is, things like depression and addiction aren't just reserved for the poor or poorly raised. Look at Robin Williams. He seemed to have had a wonderful childhood and certainly had every wonderful opportunity in adult life, yet he turned to cocaine and alcohol, and eventually became severely depressed.
I also think the world is a little harder to live in today than it was for many people who are old enough to have adult children. Police are cracking down, and sentencing is getting harder. People are doing long prison sentences for minor possession of drugs for personal use, for example. My dad got three DWIs when he was 19, and he barely got a slap on the wrist...and that's not including the times he got caught and was told he better go home and stay there vs. getting arrested. What was once a minor legal issue or a family problem has now become a much bigger deal, which can lead to more legal troubles and a very tarnished reputation. Plus, with social media and online news, it's now much easier for the entire world to hear about your family's screw-ups than it once was.
I'm not making excuses. Adults know right from wrong. Just sharing an additional opinion.
Edited to Add:
I just found this link here on C-D. These are some crazy things that school children are getting arrested for these days. They all seem outrageous, but it proves the point that people are getting arrested for much more than they once did. If they're getting this treatment for these trivial things, you know how things go for young adults who are actually doing something wrong...although not always all THAT serious...
Here are some potential responses when someone asks what the adult-child is up to these days:
1. He discovered heroin.
2. He is meeting new people at the unemployment office.
3. He is discovering himself.
4. He is creating a new work-life paradigm without the work.
They can't all be winners. Someone has to flip the burger at Wendy's.
All this got me thinking - what is the best response when someone asks, usually innocently, "What's ____ up to these days? How's he doing?"
And what should our response be when we know that a parent is grieving about the destructive choices or tragic situations of their adult children?
Parents love to "brag" about their kids' accomplishments, even when that kid is an adult. They love to show off pictures of grandkids and weddings, that sort of thing. What about those families though who can't do that? It's a painful situation.
You just say, "He's fine as far as I know," and move on to another topic. *shrugs*
I just thought about my cousin's boyfriend, whose 21 year old daughter (and only child) just killed three people in a drunk driving accident and is going to probably go to jail for life since it's her third drunk driving conviction. What a heartbreaking scenario for all involved, and how painful for that father when others are talking about their daughter's weddings, or first grandkids, or career accomplishments, that sort of thing...
But it's not his fault she was an assclown and did that. She got what she deserved. If I was that parent, I would feel happy that other people don't have to deal with my kid killing a family while drunk driving.
I mean, do these people you're talking about just want attention or something? I guess I don't understand.
Just because your (not yours; anyone's) kid turned out to be a POS doesn't mean your life as a parent should be miserable. You just move on with your own life and hope the other kids keep their ***** together. Once they are adults, they make their own choices.
I think people should keep in mind that just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it.
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