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My ex and I have a 13 year old daughter we share custody with. We currently all live in So. Cal. I am now married with a 2 year old as well. My husband and I have the opportunity to get a great jobs in TN and we have been wanting to live closer to our families. My ex wants to move back with his dad in FL. My family is in MI and Australia. My husband's family is in TN and my ex's families are in FL and OH. As I have gotten older, I realize how much I miss huge family gatherings and having them close by so we are moving to TN hopefully by summer.
The issue is that our daughter does not want to move. She wants to stay with her friends. Instead of being strong and telling her that she is going to have to move with us, her dad (and I okay'd it), that he would stay here in CA until she graduated instead of moving to FL or TN with one of us. I really really really would rather her move back east with us, and ALL of us move instead of one parent being held back because she doesn't want to leave her friends. We, the parents, all believe she will have a wonderful life on the east coast being closer to all the family. Her dad isn't saying it but I think he is unhappy where he is but won't stick up for what he wants. He keeps going back and forth between staying here for her then wanting to talk to her again about moving.
I moved my DD 2000 miles at the end of 7th grade, she was 13
she got over it - leaving her behind was never ever an option
She is now 16, a sophomore in high school, she loves her school, loves her friends and has admitted she is very glad we moved.
It's scary, really scary to leave everything you know but they do survive. Kids are pretty resilient and family comes first
Your daughter needs you more than she needs her current friends, although she doesn't realize it at this point. Pre-high school is a great time to move, because more than one middle school usually feeds into the high school, making all the freshmen start out on similar ground.
I don't think you and your husband, along with your ex, should let this situation be held hostage to the demands of a 13 yr old. I also don't think it would be wise to leave the girl behind with her father. If everybody moves to the same coast, shared custody, while not easy, will be slightly more workable.
You and your ex need to have a conversation. Don't encourage him to be the hero if he is doing it out of guilt, but also realize if he agrees to stay, and you move, your relationship with your daughter will pay the price.
My ex and I have a 13 year old daughter we share custody with. We currently all live in So. Cal. I am now married with a 2 year old as well. My husband and I have the opportunity to get a great jobs in TN and we have been wanting to live closer to our families. My ex wants to move back with his dad in FL. My family is in MI and Australia. My husband's family is in TN and my ex's families are in FL and OH. As I have gotten older, I realize how much I miss huge family gatherings and having them close by so we are moving to TN hopefully by summer.
The issue is that our daughter does not want to move. She wants to stay with her friends. Instead of being strong and telling her that she is going to have to move with us, her dad (and I okay'd it), that he would stay here in CA until she graduated instead of moving to FL or TN with one of us. I really really really would rather her move back east with us, and ALL of us move instead of one parent being held back because she doesn't want to leave her friends. We, the parents, all believe she will have a wonderful life on the east coast being closer to all the family. Her dad isn't saying it but I think he is unhappy where he is but won't stick up for what he wants. He keeps going back and forth between staying here for her then wanting to talk to her again about moving.
Any advice on this situation would be great.
Youre better off staying there. If she has grown up in so cal her whole life TN will be a shock to her.
Its really awful and theres nothing to do here.
If you guys move, go to Florida, that way its not such a shock and you get to keep the ocean and beach.
Whatever you do don't move her to Tennessee, she's just going to be taught by the youth here its ok to end up pregnant young and leach off the system and its ok to amount to nothing. Thats how a lot of the kids are here. Knocked up young and goal less.
Go to Florida. Im currently trying to get out of Tennessee, its not worth coming here.
My ex and I have a 13 year old daughter we share custody with. We currently all live in So. Cal. I am now married with a 2 year old as well. My husband and I have the opportunity to get a great jobs in TN and we have been wanting to live closer to our families. My ex wants to move back with his dad in FL. My family is in MI and Australia. My husband's family is in TN and my ex's families are in FL and OH. As I have gotten older, I realize how much I miss huge family gatherings and having them close by so we are moving to TN hopefully by summer.
The issue is that our daughter does not want to move. She wants to stay with her friends. Instead of being strong and telling her that she is going to have to move with us, her dad (and I okay'd it), that he would stay here in CA until she graduated instead of moving to FL or TN with one of us. I really really really would rather her move back east with us, and ALL of us move instead of one parent being held back because she doesn't want to leave her friends. We, the parents, all believe she will have a wonderful life on the east coast being closer to all the family. Her dad isn't saying it but I think he is unhappy where he is but won't stick up for what he wants. He keeps going back and forth between staying here for her then wanting to talk to her again about moving.
Any advice on this situation would be great.
Of course she wants to stay with her friends. But it's not just her friends, it's her whole life - her whole culture that she's familiar with - school, weather, home, people, HER DAD, etc.
Do you have shared custody with her dad? How active is he in her life? By the way, I would be surprised if her dad is catering to anyone's needs but his DAUGHTER's by staying in CA - and it's a good dad who would put her needs ahead of his own. You are saying that "he's being held back." Maybe he doesn't see it that way - and maybe he does, but considers his daughter to be worth the sacrifice.
What does the custody agreement say about parents moving out of state?
I think it's a bit unrealistic to expect all three "parents" to move en masse. It's not necessarily the best thing for the daughter to be uprooted - I mean, maybe it is, and if it is, it's best that all three parents move, but maybe neither she NOR her bio dad really want to move right now. If that's the case, well, you're in a pickle. I don't see how you can, or even necessarily SHOULD, force the bio dad to move just because you and your husband want to. Maybe he sees this as his chance to "be there more" for his daughter - who knows? At 13, she's probably legally able to decide between you and him. Hmmm.
Why do you have to move right now? For that matter, DO you have to move right now? It doesn't seem like it's mandatory. Why not wait a few years? Sure, it would be great to live closer to family, but you made the decision to move away from family long ago, and you made the decision to have a child with someone living so far away from family, and you made the decision to live separately and have this whole custody thing going. Your daughter was powerless in all of these decisions.
I feel so sorry for kids in these situations. They can't win for losing. It's really pathetic.
Youre better off staying there. If she has grown up in so cal her whole life TN will be a shock to her.
Its really awful and theres nothing to do here.
If you guys move, go to Florida, that way its not such a shock and you get to keep the ocean and beach.
Whatever you do don't move her to Tennessee, she's just going to be taught by the youth here its ok to end up pregnant young and leach off the system and its ok to amount to nothing. Thats how a lot of the kids are here. Knocked up young and goal less.
Go to Florida. Im currently trying to get out of Tennessee, its not worth coming here.
Oh, for goodness sake, Txt. Just because you're unhappy it doesn't mean moving to TN is a bad decision for someone else. Your experience in TN might have been "really awful" but that doesn't mean the state is.
Yes. My ex wants to move. He doesn't want to stay in CA. Lol, omg. I love how some people assume exes can't get along. If he didn't want to move, we'd hold off but as it is, we do not have any other family other than ourselves. He has a father who suffers from stomach cancer and he wants to spend as much time with as possible. We get along so well we do not have any written custody agreements and have been amicable these last 5 years since we broke up. Lol, btw, both of us were military brats whose families decided to move back east after we had a kid so it's not like we didn't have family here, at first. It's called migration. It happens.
My husband is currently unemployed and I have not had a raise in two years despite living in one of the most expensive areas in the country so are you saying that mom, dad and stepdad should stay here, becoming more unhappy and poor, just because she might not make friends elsewhere? Seriously?
Last edited by onetoughkitty; 04-10-2015 at 06:48 PM..
So the only hold up is concern about making a 13 yr old unhappy? I think you and your ex need to form a united front and let your daughter know the move is happening for the benefit of all. But is your ex willing to do so? It sounds as though he's the wrinkle in your plan.
He just wants her happy. I don't blame him for that. She's a great kid. We know there will be tears but as it is, none of us are in stable conditions. We are so lucky we can still afford the rent and he's moved 4 times in two years. Even if he stayed, who is to say he won't move again....
Yes. My ex wants to move. He doesn't want to stay in CA. Lol, omg. I love how some people assume exes can't get along. If he didn't want to move, we'd hold off but as it is, we do not have any other family other than ourselves. He has a father who suffers from stomach cancer and he wants to spend as much time with as possible. We get along so well we do not have any written custody agreements and have been amicable these last 5 years since we broke up. Lol, btw, both of us were military brats whose families decided to move back east after we had a kid so it's not like we didn't have family here, at first. It's called migration. It happens.
My husband is currently unemployed and I have not had a raise in two years despite living in one of the most expensive areas in the country so are you saying that mom, dad and stepdad should stay here, becoming more unhappy and poor, just because she might not make friends elsewhere? Seriously?
No, I'm not saying that. Not sure whether others are or not.
I asked for clarification on your situation - no need to get snarky. Most parents who aren't together anymore have custody agreements. And many don't particularly get along famously, though of course it's better when they do. And even fewer move somewhere TOGETHER with their ex and her husband. And finally, your thread title is "Moving and BAD PARENTAL DECISIONS" which doesn't imply that everything's peachy when it comes to the parents in the situation.
So please forgive me for not being clear on these particulars and thank you for explaining your situation a bit more.
You're talking about two states which are still pretty darn far from each other - Tennessee and Florida. So though they're both on the east coast (sort of), it's not like it will be an easy trip for your daughter to go from one home to the other even if you move to TN and he moves to FL. So that's something to consider.
I understand all about migration and military families by the way, so thanks again for clarifying your situation. For more clarification, why did both parents move so far away from you and your family? Are they still active duty? Are you active duty?
Do any of you have any solid jobs lined up in either Florida or Tennessee? Where will you live while you're trying to find housing? Would you move in the summer while she's not in school? Will the job(s) still be there if you postpone moving for a few months?
Your daughter is in for a rough ride any way you cut it, but hopefully she can adjust to whatever life throws at her at this difficult stage in her life and hopefully you and your husband and her dad can make some changes together.
Of course you have to do what's best for everyone, but you did leave out a lot of pertinent information in the OP, such as your husband being unemployed, your child's dad having stomach cancer, your families moving far away, the complete lack of any sort of formal custody agreement, etc. so it's hard for people to give tailored advice without more facts.
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