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maybe that's bad word choice " control" but hopefully you see what I mean. She's 16. Her mom and I fought daily for so many years about everything she eventually left. I can't get any compliance out of her. I don't even come down on her about small stuff, just big stuff. Her grades are pitiful, I said I'd get a tutor, huge fight. She got suspended from school and maybe I went with the wrong approach by being calm and wanting to know what was really going on, huge fight. I ask her to do some things around the house, she says " I'm not a slave, it's your ... house. She came home tanked, I said she was grounded I got a " Yeah, ok, sure." response. I could go on for days about our fights but I'll keep it brief. I can't follow through, I say I'll ground, she laughs it off, it's over. I think the problem is that I fought so much with her mom, I have nothing left in the tank. I feel like a basketball that played way too many triple overtime games and is now too drained to carry on.
been there in another way. Teens are a handful especially if they know how to push your buttons or that they have the upper hand. Or if they are hurt
I would suggest don't give up on her. Rest some and get strong yourself.
Pick an important battle but don't fight just state the obvious and follow through. wrap it in a bigger picture rather than specific to "get good grades" but "what do you plan on doing after HS graduation etc?" kind of lead into it gently.
Do something fun with her. Take her for rides and talk about anything but an issue, buy her an ice cream cone or drink. Something spontaneous and light.
Fighting gets/got you nowhere with your wife or your daughter. Try other means to approach and relate. A let's get the kitchen cleaned up and do it together might work better than telling her to do it. There is no compliance with teens, just willing participation if they want to.
Family counseling for yourself even if she doesn't go might help. and given the situation hold the hope that you will get through it and she will come out the other end too. They do grow up. In your situation just getting her through it without doing irreparable damage would be my first priority.
I can tell that you care, but of course, it is you and your wife who gave your daughter a chaotic and troubled childhood, so why are you surprised that she is troubled now?
It seems highly unlikely that you have the skills to help your daughter now. You should get her some therapy, so she has someone to talk to who will help her get herself together. The therapy might include the rest of the family, but your daughter needs guidance and support from someone impartial.
As for you, quit beating yourself up. If you could have done better, you would have done better, and what is past, is past.
Start from now, tell your daughter you feel responsible for her getting off the right path to a successful life, and that you love and support her. She is still a child and she cannot be allowed to make her own decisions yet. Therapist. Quick.
i can tell that you care, but of course, it is you and your wife who gave your daughter a chaotic and troubled childhood, so why are you surprised that she is troubled now?
It seems highly unlikely that you have the skills to help your daughter now. You should get her some therapy, so she has someone to talk to who will help her get herself together. The therapy might include the rest of the family, but your daughter needs guidance and support from someone impartial.
As for you, quit beating yourself up. If you could have done better, you would have done better, and what is past, is past.
Start from now, tell your daughter you feel responsible for her getting off the right path to a successful life, and that you love and support her. She is still a child and she cannot be allowed to make her own decisions yet. Therapist. Quick.
we tried our best to never fight in front of her, not trying to justify the fighting, but we did make a conscious effort to never fight with her watching( i.e. dinner table). We held off until she was in bed. This doesn't mean that she didn't hear her fair share of arguments.
Just to be clear, based on what you've posted here it seems like the gap is huge between you and your daughter, and you've exhausted every parenting skill you can think of.
If it was me, and I felt there was no where left to go, I'd just let your true feelings and emotions be left out on the table (or sleeve).
You may of had these sort of conversations already with her, so I may be suggesting something already a moot point. She saw your fighting with her mother, and heard whatever it was that was said. From that (and this will probably sound corny or weak or whatever), all you can do is tell your daughter things like how you are sorry that you had something to do with the demise of your marriage and never intended to have her brought up in a broken household. Just tell her you were incompatible with her mother. Tell her you know you're not the best father (whatever that means) but really care about her whether she believes it or not. Ask her to start working on coming to a common ground with you - both agree to meet in the middle somewhere. She will probably poo poo you if you said you were concerned for her safety, bad choices etc., but tell her those feelings are what come naturally with parenting
Good luck with this. It must be so difficult for you and your daughter.
You probably were not a neglectful parent, but if you and your wife fought daily for years until she left, your daughter has grown up in tense, unhappy home. Also, the subject of the fighting may have had a huge effect on your daughter. By that I mean were you fighting about drinking or drug use? Infidelity? Household debt? Criminal activity? Any of those things could make your daughter upset above and beyond the arguing itself.
I don't know what to tell you other than you've got your work cut out for you if you want to help her get back on track. It's a tough age under the best of circumstances. I suggest professional counseling for both of you.
You probably were not a neglectful parent, but if you and your wife fought daily for years until she left, your daughter has grown up in tense, unhappy home. Also, the subject of the fighting may have had a huge effect on your daughter. By that I mean were you fighting about drinking or drug use? Infidelity? Household debt? Criminal activity? Any of those things could make your daughter upset above and beyond the arguing itself.
I don't know what to tell you other than you've got your work cut out for you if you want to help her get back on track. It's a tough age under the best of circumstances. I suggest professional counseling for both of you.
Literally fought about everything. She could turn anything into a problem for example
Me: any ideas about dinner?
Her: And what makes you think I should be in charge of that? Because I'm a woman
Literally fought about everything. She could turn anything into a problem for example
Me: any ideas about dinner?
Her: And what makes you think I should be in charge of that? Because I'm a woman
Huge fight
Where is her mother now?
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