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My daughter was born in 2006. I was a stay at home mom, 100% of my time & energy was on my kids. I'd heard of a potty training strategy, beginning training them as soon as they could hold their head up. By the time my daughter could sit up on her own, she was going in the toilet. I was so pleased!
We continued on like this, I'd carry her to the toilet when I saw the right signs. Eventually she was crawling, then walking. We'd been through this trip to the potty hundreds of times.
I have bipolar disorder, so my thinking & behavior sometimes takes a leap. A part of me thought, "She's potty trained, and she's walking now, so my work here should be just about done." She was two years old, and walking, and I was still taking her through the process.
And honestly the reason I wanted to train her so young is that I HATED changing diapers. I mean, severely, blood-curdlingly, HATED it, I'd been through the diaper game with her brother for 2 years, so I was determined to minimize that chore.
Age two, my adorable, giggly, precious daughter...potty time one day... I was frazzled that day, maybe I always was. I was irritable, impatient, lacking humor. I was trapped at home all day every day with two babbling children, losing my mind. Unhappy. Depressed. I lost my patience that day potty training until her giggles turned to heartbreaking tears.
She is 8 years old now. Because of the mistake I made that day, her potty training permanently regressed. She is still pooping her pants.
I knew what I did wrong, and I often cry about it. I told my husband, and asked for help, but talking to him about anything is as effective as talking to a rock. I've told daycare providers, teachers, social workers, psychologists...and even THEM, talking to them has been as useful as talking to rocks. They all pretend they don't hear me, they change the subject.
My daughter is still sweet, intelligent, loving, compassionate, dancy, singy. She does not remember that day when she was two. But deep down there is a sunconscious trauma that has permanently made her afraid to poop in the toilet. Now she's age 8, and her dad punishes her for pooping her pants. I tell him that punishment will only reinforce in her mind that pooping is bad. What she needs is LOVING reinforcement. He doesn't listen to me.
We divorced a few years ago. He hired a very expensive lawyer who gave him full custody of the children. I haven't seen my kids for nearly two months, and when I do get to see them, it's only for a few hours on a weekend. I don't get to fully love them comfortably with lots of relaxing quality time because it's just 5 hours or so.
So their dad, who doesn't really love or talk to anyone ever, is not able to fix our daughter. He lacks that mothering nurturing loving quality that children need. And I don't get enough quality time with them to give them what I know every child needs, that deep motherly love.
My daughter still melts in my arms with a loving sigh when we hug.
Please help me know how to fix her potty training problem. It's so deep in her subconscious mind. It's so deep.
I love her so much. I'm her mom, and no one else can be. I do the best I can.
All I can see doing is that you work hard on getting and staying healthy so you can be in her life more. Work hard with your psychologist, keep on top of your medications, work hard to improve your life or living situation as needed. There isn't much you can do if you dont see her often.
Have you or your ex made sure there is no physical issue?
When she was 4-5 her doctor prescribed Miralax which basically gave her loose stools all the time, so she wouldn't "hold it in" anymore. But that just caused diarrhea all the time and didn't solve the problem of going in her pants. Avoiding the toilet has become purely a psychological issue.
Aside from that, and lately the emotional heartbreak of the divorce, she is healthy, precious, and intelligent.
I've lovingly talked with her so many times about poop being normal, everyone does it, to just relax and let it go in the toilet.
I don't think there's much that you can do right now, since you're not with your daughter very much of the time. As long as her doctor's aware of the problem and is working with your husband to try to treat it, that might have to be enough.
It's possible that as your daughter gets older, she'll have less of a problem with this.
My daughter had a hard time when we moved right after she got potty-trained. She held her poop for a month because she could only poop on her potty and we had moved away from her potty. Our doctor had us try prune juice, Metamucil, milk of magnesia, and suppositories (not all at once, but he gave me the list of things to try in order). Finally I just sat in the bathroom with her until it happened. She kept wanting to stand up so she could hold it in, but I didn't let her. She was about 4 at the time.
You need to take her to the doctor. There is either something physical going on or stress that she needs some outside help. Don't blame yourself for an error you made one day years ago.
It is NOT in any way normal for a child that age to not be potty trained and no matter what transpired that day (which you have not elaborated on here), this is a problem.
If the child was somehow traumatized by your reaction those many years ago while potty training, only a specialist such as a trained, licensed psychologist could address these issues.
I don't know what 'potty training program' you were using back when your child was just able to hold her head up, but there is no way developmentally that a child that age would be able to be potty trained.
Please have your husband take her first to the Pediatrician and ask for a referral to a specialist. Or better yet, contact her school. How in the world is she in school (She is in school, isn't she?) without this being of major concern? Is she holding it all day? I do know that there are many children who do avoid going potty (for bowel movements) and hold it because their stool is so hard that it is excruciatingly painful for them to try to eliminate. It is a real health problem. Have you explored this possibility? There are things that can be done to help in this situation.
You wrote: "I knew what I did wrong, and I often cry about it. I told my husband, and asked for help, but talking to him about anything is as effective as talking to a rock. I've told daycare providers, teachers, social workers, psychologists...and even THEM, talking to them has been as useful as talking to rocks. They all pretend they don't hear me, they change the subject." WHY are they not listening? There is something missing in this story.
You have a right to have her examined by a school psychologist. Request it or have your husband request it.
If no one is listening to you, find someone who will. A counselor, a social worker, a pastor/priest. Someone.
It is clear that you had no support systems when you sorely needed them (then and now) and you need to get some NOW. You cannot do it alone.
Your story really appears incomplete. Please try to fill us in on EVERYTHING or at least go to someone you trust and who has your interests at heart to seek help. PLEASE START WITH YOUR PERSONAL PHYSICIAN. PLEASE!
Last edited by tangelag; 07-15-2015 at 07:22 PM..
Reason: add
Were you just impatient and mean? Because that doesn't seem like something that would set back potty training.
Did you make her eat her poop or something? I guess that would induce long-term trauma.
Also, was there a specific reason that your ex was awarded full custody (I understand you mentioned you have a mental health disorder)?
I shook her for a second. Then backed off to regroup.
Ex was awarded full custody because his dad helped him through the process. His dad bought him a lawyer. His dad's ex wife (my ex's mom) took him for all he was worth when they got divorced years ago, so they assumed I would do the same thing. To keep me from comandeering the house & kids & alimony & child support, they used that lawyer to keep me from asking for anything in the divorce. If I didn't have the kids, I couldn't ask him for child support.
My mental health disorder was triggered and exacerbated by being married to him. He was psychologically and physically abusive to me. As recently as today he sent me a psychologically abusive email, and we've been divorced for 4 years.
My bipolar disorder originated in my teens when my parents were neglecting me. The disorder is triggered whenever I'm in dysfunctional relationships.
At this time I am fortunate to be with a very solid, stable, loving man. So I am not triggered right now.
Your story is INCOMPLETE. It is NOT in any way normal for a child that age to not be potty trained and no matter what transpired that day (which you have not elaborated on here), this is a problem.
Please have your husband take her first to the Pediatrician and ask for a referral to a specialist. Or better yet, contact her school. How in the world is she in school (She is in school, isn't she?) without this being of major concern? Is she holding it all day? I do know that there are many children who do avoid going potty (for bowel movements) and hold it because their stool is so hard that it is excruciatingly painful for them to try to eliminate. Have you explored this possibility? There are things that can be done to help in this situation.
If the child was somehow traumatized by your reaction those many years ago while potty training, only a specialist such as a trained, licensed psychologist could address these issues.
Somehow I doubt that others are 'not listening' to you. You have a right to have her examined by a school psychologist. Request it or have your husband request it.
I don't know what 'potty training program' you were using back when your child was just able to hold her head up, but there is no way developmentally that a child that age would be able to be potty trained.
It is clear that you had no support systems when you sorely needed them (then and now) and you need to get some NOW. You cannot do it alone.
Your story really appears incomplete. Please try to fill us in on EVERYTHING or at least go to someone you trust and who has your interests at heart to seek help. PLEASE!
Thank you for your objective advice. I guess I have trouble seeing the forest for the trees. So I just sent this email to my ex:
[Ex,],
Please take [Dear Daughter] to a pediatrician ASAP and ask for a referral to a specialist. It is not normal for an intelligent 8 year old to not be potty trained. It is not acceptable.
Please explain to the pediatrician what I've been trying to tell you and so many other people all these years. When [Dear Daughter] was 2 years old and I was potty training her, I lost my temper one day and I shook her. Ever since then she has been pooping in her pants. I will never forgive myself for that, & I cry a lot over that. And I have talked to her so many times lovingly to get her to feel better about the bathroom.
Please get her specialized medical and psychological assistance ASAP. I took her to the doctor for this years ago, but they just prescribed her laxatives. It didn't help.
Don't punish her for this, it's not her fault. She is a good girl. She needs a doctor.
[Zelpha]
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