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This is a genuine question and NOT intended as gender bashing. To clarify, I'm asking about non-custodial fathers because they make up the majority of non-custodial parents. The handful of non-custodial mothers I know of don't have custody because of serious drug or mental health issues.
I am asking because I have witnessed this deterioration with my own kids, and I've seen it happen over and over again with other kids. Dad has visitation but isn't really involved, and as the kids age he drops out of the picture (on his own - I'm NOT talking about Mom pushing him out of the relationship).
My oldest child is 20 and away at college. After her dad and I divorced, he made a point of getting extra visitation (I suspect under the duress of his parents) that half the time he never used, and sometimes he would just not bother to show up at all. When she was a teen, my daughter stopped going over to her dad's house of her own accord, and he did not object. All through her childhood he never called her just to talk, not even on her birthday. Now that she is away at college, he never contacts her - not by phone, text, email, facebook, skype, etc. She only sees him when she is at his parents house for holiday stuff. And no, I did not bad mouth him to her, this has all been a matter of her own observation.
Is this just a difference between how mothers and fathers parent? If I - as a mom - did not have custody of my kids, I would still be calling and texting, checking in just to say hello, be involved as possible, etc. And it wouldn't end just because they turned 18; if anything I would step up my involvement at that point.
It's just sad that these fathers drift away like it doesn't make any difference.
Every situation is different. I have a friend who was in this situation and he goes out of his way to be there for his son who is still living with his ex. The relationship with the elder son was so good that as soon as he was legally able, he moved from his mother's house to his father's house.
Every situation is different. I have a friend who was in this situation and he goes out of his way to be there for his son who is still living with his ex. The relationship with the elder son was so good that as soon as he was legally able, he moved from his mother's house to his father's house.
Agreed. I was friends with a couple who divorced, and the dad took a job halfway across the country, but is involved as possible with his son--calls him every night to talk to him for a little bit before he goes to bed, has him for most of the summer and several holidays every year, comes out here once in a while to spend time with the child where the child is most familiar....the only time he didn't take all of his alloted visitation time with his child was when the dad's second wife was severely ill in the hospital (his second wife eventually died), but that was a rather extreme circumstance. His first wife is the first to praise his involvement to other people, even if she was fed up with him on other issues.
My ex became a better and more interested dad after the divorce. He began to attend things like concerts and softball games of hers that he couldn't be bothered with when we were married. He still dissed her and broke plans in her teenage years when they would interfere with his drinking activities, but that was to be expected. He is not capable of putting another person above his love for alcohol and the bar life and my daughter knows that. Still, he put more of an effort into playing semi-Dad than I thought he would after the divorce, and I am glad he did.
There seem to be various circumstances where this occurs.
Often the non custodial parent finds a whole new life when they are not attached 24/7 to a spouse or kids and they prefer it to the old life. They get so busy with the new life that it now takes great effort to try to work in the kids and they just don't make it work.
Sometimes the non custodial parent just wants out of the marriage/relationship so badly that they make a decision to sever ties with the whole family thinking that is the only way. Some believe the kids are better off with the other parent.
Other times the non custodial parent feels so beat down that they don't even try to be a part time parent. In some situations they have not really been involved in the daily family life and once out of it don't know how to parent at all.
Then there are the non custodial parents who just don't want to be a parent.
In my own experience, my ex had become an alcoholic and preferred his drunken state to being a parent/husband. When I finally gave him an ultimatum, he chose the beer and left us. Ironically, life at home really didn't change much with him being gone since he was so detached from our kids/family anyway. He started out sad and depressed because he realized how little he really knew about his own kids, running a household or even things like buying gifts. He barely attempted to see them the first year, but at least he attempted.
Then he found a whole new world out there for *single* people and they rarely saw him again. He was working a job (after being fired from the family business) where he frequently traveled. He would call them occasionally when he was out of town, but when he was in town he never called much less tried to see them.
He went from living with one woman to another to another whom he apparently married last year. They don't know for sure as they simply went from living together to being married..? lol At 32 and 27, they long ago learned his shortcomings and don't ever expect anything from him. He is just a guy who used to be dad.
I can't explain why that happens, when it happens. But I can say that a custodial mother can do things to make the relationship extremely difficult, including in ways that might not be immediately apparent to outside observers.
There are probably a variety of reasons why Dad's move on.
In my case, the mom made it nearly impossible for me to spend any time with my children. She became the gate keeper, and she used the 'power' inherent in that position to make me look like a really bad father--all the while doing everything possible to ensure that the bridge to my children slowly eroded. From changing visitation time, to refusing to transport them anywhere which involved seeing me, to telling the children that the things which we did together were all for my benefit, to suggesting to the kids that if they got a blister while ice skating it was because I was an abusive father, it all weighs on you after a while.
There is only so much of that stuff which you can take and eventually you don't go back for more.
The OP did suggest that she wanted to hear reasons outside of the 'blocking' issues which some spouse's throw up. It is, however, in large part a similar story. You go from seeing your kids every day in a loving and caring manner, to having to 'make an appointment' to see them. It takes away the spontaneity, and you end up juggling schedules in order to get thirty minutes with your kids. During the teen years, kids don't generally wish to hang out with Dad to begin with, but you have to be sure to be there in case they fall. It is very tricky to carry it out well.
Eventually Dad develops other interests, or becomes more involved in the job which generates the paychecks which provide the support, and life simply runs out of minutes. The kids do their thing, and Dad develops a life of his own. Especially when the physical family unit is broken apart, it is a huge commitment to travel to the kids, organize outings, get them fed and have a place to study, meet their commitments for dance, football, debate club, etc., and still have some time for 'just us'.
I guess some of it has to do with the definition of divorce: it means the parents go their own ways, but the kids also are split apart from the family unit. That unit functions well when everyone is in the same house, but when that is gone, and maybe the Dad and kids live far apart, it becomes a huge challenge to make it work seamlessly.
Good Dad's and Mom's try, but at some point the rewards are dwarfed by the effort. Like everything in life, the less you do it, the less interesting it becomes, and finally Dad and the kids go their own way.
The good news, as I have found, is that even through the difficult years when one of the parents is shut out of the family unit, the kids remember, and they know more than you think they know. As previously pointed out, once the artificial barriers are removed, families find one another, and while you can never recapture those lost years, you can make the very best of the time which you now have.
(In responses, let's skip the " I would do ANYTHING" to spend time with my kids. Until you have walked a few years in someone's shoes who has faced a hostile divorce you can't possibly know what you will, and won't do. At first you rent the big house because they will come to visit, then you get an apartment in the area, and then you move with the job.....and then the job disintegrates and you live with anyone who will take you in. Try that on for a few years before you say 'I would do anything'.)
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