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So I'm in a bit of a predicament. I suspect my 17 year old son (who was out with his coworker friends for a bit last night) smoked pot and then drove everyone home. I was out last night so I couldn't evaluate him when he came home, but based on several facts I've discovered, I think this is what happened.
I know they were down an old country road where it's dark and are no houses. This tends to be the MO for teens in these parts because of all the farmland around our town. Kids all throughout the years find secluded spots and throw parties, make bonfires, go 4-wheeling, etc. He doesn't know that I know, so I'd rather not even say anything about that. He left his shirt on the chair in the front room and it smells badly of smoke so that's what I will use as the reason I'm bringing the conversation up to him. I don't necessarily want to rag him out or ground him.. I am more interested in taking an approach that will actually get through to him about the dangers in driving while under the influence.
I do know that there is a possibility he was just the driver and didn't do anything, although I think this isn't very likely. I do understand that teens will do this and want to experiment, my concern is the driving, particularly that he had a carload of his coworkers with him.
He is not a regular pot-smoker or drinker, although he has done a little of each. Mostly he is a homebody when he is not working, so this behavior is not typical of him. I think a lot of teens minimize the impact of marijuana and see it as kinda harmless.
going with the shirt smelling is the best approach. If the smell is pot, not cigarettes and he is driving on top of that, then he smokes pot enough to be "comfortable" when he's high to drive. or he thinks he can judge when he has come down enough to drive, which isn't always an accurate measure of the ability to drive safely. remind him of the dangers of driving high, his responsibility and liability to the people in his car when he drives. his reaction time is slowed considerable. if he is gonna smoke a bit here and there he can't be driving. you have to trust him to a point, but driving high is dangerous.
if he is gonna smoke a bit here and there he can't be driving.
Yes this is my thought exactly. It's not me trying to ban him from smoking pot altogether, but if he is going to do so then he needs to do it responsibly. With all the easy access to sober rides (Uber, Lyft, etc) there's just NO excuse. I can foresee how the conversation will go and I think he will probably be mad that I'm bringing it up at all. He will accuse me of always being suspicious of him and remind me he is almost 18... and what will I do then, etc. Ah this is all true, but he is not 18 yet and he will probably still be under my roof anyway. I want him to be prepared for living as an adult.
We will see what he says. Perhaps he will say he didn't smoke anything, just his friends, that he was the DD. How do I most effectively tell him that if I ever discover he has driven high, that he will lose rights to the car? I don't want to straight up **** him off, not because I don't want him mad at me but because this will just shut down the communication.
Is he driving one of your cars? Is he on your insurance policy? Tell him being under the influence of anything while behind the wheel doesn't just affect his future, it could financially devastate your own too. We carry an umbrella policy because we still have two adult sons on our insurance, but even so, it's only for $1,000.000. Were one of our kids to be charged after an accident with a DWI, we could lose everything. That's the message we've hammered home for years, and it took. One son doesn't drink much at all, the other is very responsible about having a DD in place before he goes out.
The car is in my name and it is my insurance policy - this is how it has to be because he is a minor. Yes this is a fear of mine as well. I am liable for his mistakes until he's 18.
You really need to think hard and consider how you got into this predicament. A few months ago, it was the beginning of underage drinking and now a possible DWI?
you can't be worried if he gets mad at you and reminds you he is almost 18. tell him you respect him as almost adult, which is why you are having an adult conversation about adult type responsibilities. if he wants to be an adult he needs to have a conversation like one. best of luck
Just let him know the dangers, point out examples of stoners, and remind him it is hard for you to back him up if he is doing something wrong. You are not his friend, but his Dad , no matter what kind of relationship you may have with him. Even if he is 18 years old. Remind him he can legally loose driving privileges, and the bus sucks.
There are just too many signs in our culture today that it is Normal to smoke grass, Yeah the kids want to be cool and get high, ha ha. but when they get too comfortable is when the problem starts. Burning money, messing up in studies, and living in the basement at home is not cool.
All those smart kids doing good in college, getting high every day, managing to graduate with honors are around, and make it. But I can't believe that they really reach their true potential.
The efffects or driving drunk vs driving stoned is a little different. Diving stoned wont usually lead to high speed and blacking out like drinking would, but response and decision maling is still impaired.
So I'm in a bit of a predicament. I suspect my 17 year old son (who was out with his coworker friends for a bit last night) smoked pot and then drove everyone home. I was out last night so I couldn't evaluate him when he came home, but based on several facts I've discovered, I think this is what happened.
I know they were down an old country road where it's dark and are no houses. This tends to be the MO for teens in these parts because of all the farmland around our town. Kids all throughout the years find secluded spots and throw parties, make bonfires, go 4-wheeling, etc. He doesn't know that I know, so I'd rather not even say anything about that. He left his shirt on the chair in the front room and it smells badly of smoke so that's what I will use as the reason I'm bringing the conversation up to him. I don't necessarily want to rag him out or ground him.. I am more interested in taking an approach that will actually get through to him about the dangers in driving while under the influence.
I do know that there is a possibility he was just the driver and didn't do anything, although I think this isn't very likely. I do understand that teens will do this and want to experiment, my concern is the driving, particularly that he had a carload of his coworkers with him.
He is not a regular pot-smoker or drinker, although he has done a little of each. Mostly he is a homebody when he is not working, so this behavior is not typical of him. I think a lot of teens minimize the impact of marijuana and see it as kinda harmless.
How would you guys handle this?
You should obviously consider giving him up to a foster home, as that isnwbat has been recommended to me, and has worked very well.
The car is in my name and it is my insurance policy - this is how it has to be because he is a minor. Yes this is a fear of mine as well. I am liable for his mistakes until he's 18.
A lot longer than that if he's driving a car in your name you are ultimately responsible no matter what the age especially if it can be shown that you are aware of his DUI or drinking/drug use as a minor.
I'm more surprised at how (seemingly) calm you are about your minor child doing drugs and drinking. Personally I'd be a bit more (no, a LOT more) concerned about that behavior.
Before anyone jumps on this, yes, I've got a son (in his mid 20's now) and yes, his friends drank while underage and yes I harped on him about the consequences of drinking underage. I know for a fact he didn't participate as many times he'd come home from a river/woods party because they started drinking and he got hazed because he wouldn't.
Yes, a few of his friends are now drunks and yes, a couple more are now in prison for extreme DUI, one of them just sentenced to 30 years for hitting and killing someone while driving drunk.
I'd hate to see that fate befall anyone's child. That last kid won't ever have a normal life and won't see freedom until he's at least in his late 30's to mid 40's. Damn shame, he was a really,really great kid otherwise...
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