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[quote=ss20ts;47149525]I'd like to point out that this was last year. A lot can change in a year. The fact of the matter is that your family moved away 2 years ago. That group of friends has in fact changed in 2 years. People change a lot in 2 years. Teenagers change even more!
I'm sure they had so many sleepovers because they were just there visiting. They were there for a very short period of time. This is nothing like living there. If you lived there, the sleepovers may be once a week, once a month, or never. You also don't know how much of it was parents pushing their kids to do sleepovers and play dates.....what teenager/preteen has a play date?
You're all living in this past.....this fantasy about how great things were. If things were truly soooooo great, you wouldn't have moved! And I hate to break it to you, drugs and alcohol are EVERYWHERE. This isn't just in Montana. Maybe you didn't do much homework and research on the town you moved to because your wife loved it. How long ago did she live there? I would NOT move ANYWHERE a teenager tells me to move and I would NOT move without doing a great deal of research and a number of visits. Don't just throw a dart at a map and say we're going there.....kind of sounds like how you ended up in Montana.[/QUOTE
The bolded parts.
That's exactly what it was. It's no different than if you go see relatives in another part of the country for a visit, they're thrilled to see and you're running around together. However if you moved there it would be a different story.
I heard of more drug use(Oxycontin) when I spent time in the rural south than in Southern CA. Sometimes the less activities the kids have to do in their area leads to boredom and drugs and alcohol.
Exactly, a teenager doesn't run the show.
Agree, OP you need to visit first whatever state you decide on. And not do touristy stuff, you get a feel for the area and visit when they have their worst weather, whether it be Iowa in January or Florida in July.
So before our lease is up in June in MT, we're going to do the following:
-invite a CA "forever friend" to visit us here
-visit a couple of smaller and bigger MT towns
-visit TX or ID to location scout for greener pastures
-seriously weigh pros and cons of all options until we can see more clearly (harder than I thought)
I also want to add that we know from personal experience that one's quality of family life can vary dramatically simply based on the block and even street you live on. In CA we lived in an older community in the quieter foothills where kids could safely scooter in the streets. We first lived on one block which was quiet with neighbors who barely looked at you, and then we moved from there to the other side of the block where several families lived, kids all played together, and where we threw regular block parties complete with bounce houses and water slides.
Living on that street made up a big chunk of the positives in CA. We chose a big house in MT in a beautiful setting but most of the neighbors are older and bald eagles are more common sights than children playing outside.
What about Austin or katy texas ? I visited katy texas before we moved to sc and I really liked it and my husband was on the fence over it but we went to both and my one friend from college lives there and she introduced me to a couple of her friends and she was thrilled at the possibility that we would move there I kind of wished we had now . sorry folks but if the op really wants to move for his kids then so be it . I think you should visit texas before you decide anything .
So before our lease is up in June in MT, we're going to do the following:
-invite a CA "forever friend" to visit us here
-visit a couple of smaller and bigger MT towns
-visit TX or ID to location scout for greener pastures
-seriously weigh pros and cons of all options until we can see more clearly (harder than I thought)
I also want to add that we know from personal experience that one's quality of family life can vary dramatically simply based on the block and even street you live on. In CA we lived in an older community in the quieter foothills where kids could safely scooter in the streets. We first lived on one block which was quiet with neighbors who barely looked at you, and then we moved from there to the other side of the block where several families lived, kids all played together, and where we threw regular block parties complete with bounce houses and water slides.
Living on that street made up a big chunk of the positives in CA. We chose a big house in MT in a beautiful setting but most of the neighbors are older and bald eagles are more common sights than children playing outside.
That sounds like a good plan. Life could be a lot different in a bigger Montana town or city where there is a wider variety of types of people. Idaho is worth checking out as you may find the best of both worlds and be closer to CA for visits. I've heard a lot of good things about Boise in particular. There are great areas in Texas as well and it's one of the friendliest states I've ever visited.
Out of curiosity, why do you say Northern California is a maybe? Usually when people complain about CA, it's that it's too liberal. And NorCal is about as liberal as it gets! (Assuming you mean Bay Area and not MUCH further north)
But aside from that, it's a big state and one can find whatever they're looking for IMO. Whether they can afford it is another question. You can probably find it elsewhere for cheaper, that's for sure.
I meant north of San Francisco in the Rural areas of California. Its nice up there...alot like Texas/Colorado...but without the heat of Texas.
I was assuming the OP wanted the more rural lifestyle but close to a big city. If he had to pick California, he could get the best of both worlds in North California.
If I could live anywhere in the US it would probably be Colorado. I love the 4 seasons, and all the things to do outside. I could handle just about anywhere there.
Kids are so fickle at this age! My step-son who is 17 and a Junior goes through girlfriends and friends quicker than underwear. He dyes his hair different colors, and assumes different personas ALL THE TIME! One visit he dyes his hair black and wears all black. The next visit he washes it out and goes camo and redneck. The neck week he will be like a skater type and try to pull his hair down as far as it can get. The next visit he is all into the military, and studying to get into the Marines. The next visit he tells us he wants to go to church and he recently joined a youth group. In the last month he dumped a local girl, for another local girl who got bored of him in less than a week, for one state away, and she dumped him like a week later, went back to him, dumped him again a couple days later, and now he is with a girl from Iowa in a 10 state away relationship! I think that is the deal this week...UGH!
As a point of reference, we get him every other weekend. This means he changes the average of twice in one month who his friends are, his looks, his hobbies, his girlfriends, etc. Do you know how hard this is to keep up with!!! Do you really want to move back to California, and then find out these friends don't like your daughter anymore? Then she ends up taking up with the bad kids??? Not a good move, and just think, girls are actually more moody and change their minds more than boys!
Just think...this kid was easy to read, and was very stable and normal till he hit about 15, which would have put him in his Freshman year of High School when he started becoming very flaky. Like I said, DON'T DO IT!
OP, you should do what is best for your family financially and don't worry your daughter will turn out OK, regardless of how 'stable' a group of friends she had in school. I grew up in the Midwest and was home schooled through the entirety of my childhood and we moved a few times in the middle of it all. Sure, it was hard and I sometimes wish I had a 'typical' middle school/ high school social life, but I turned out to be a decent adult, and my social life (or lack thereof) hasn't played a critical role. My mom was a single parent so I guess she made the best decisions for us as the parent at the time. I learned to entertain myself, played outdoors a lot and had a small group of close friends.
Your daughter will very likely not maintain contact with most of the friends she has had in middle school through college or even high school, but as an adult she will remember the steps you took to ensure your family had the most successful and stable financial future possible. Do what's best for your family in the long term and your daughter will grow up to appreciate that in the years to come.
Seeking advice from parents who have raised teenagers.
We tried escaping CA two years ago but left behind a group of quality friends our 13-year-old had there. There were 13 of them at her 12th birthday party.
In Montana, where we moved, a year later at her 13th birthday party one child showed up. Our daughter was devastated. I could give you many reasons why this happened but will only say it wasn't for her lack of trying. We totally failed to research the social environment here. Our bad.
We are leaving Montana in the summer. Both our children want to return to California.
In order for us to live where she could attend high school with some her old friends, we're going to live paycheck to paycheck and cram our family of four into a 2BR apartment again.
My daughter says she doesn't want to have to start over again. She wants to either stay in Montana or move back to California. We have this flexibility because I work remotely.
I want to settle permanently so she can attend high school four years with the same people.
Part of me thinks I should still seek greener pasture somewhere more middle-class friendly like Texas, where my two kids can live in a house with their own rooms and hang out with healthy and happy kids. But there isn't much time to find that place.
What would you do in my situation? I'm struggling to weigh the pros and cons.
One parent I know told me that kids change so much in 9th grade that it may turn out the two year absence will make it like starting over to begin with. I think there's some truth to that.
I shudder to imagine having a teenage daughter sharing a small room with her younger sister. It was hard enough before when she wasn't a teenager.
Hoping to hear from parents who have been there, done that.
We did not move from a city, but did move our kids from their schools during their school years. My oldest was in 8th grade when we moved. My next oldest was in 5th grade, so this is not a direct comparison. Both kids had loads of friends in school and in a scout group. My oldest seemed to have the smoothest transition. My middle child seem to have it harder, not hitting stride until high school. I am quite glad that we moved ourselves, and I have no regrets. The school system we moved to was much, much better than the one we left behind.
In your case, I'd not move where you had to live from paycheck to paycheck. You need to earn what you need for your own future, and for the futures of your kids when they attend college. You need more income, frankly. I'd choose a place where you could earn what you are worth and have a decent COL. There are many more places to live than Montana and California. If you choose a place with a large transient population, there should be plenty of other uprooted friends who are looking for friends. Your kids learn from experiences, and if they learn to adjust, then this will be a good life lesson for them.
One of the things that makes you grow up is figuring out the world doesn't revolve around you. It's a lesson we all have to learn. And there is no way my parents would ever have missed an opportunity because *I* didn't want to change schools. No way they would allow my wishes to impoverish the family either.
HS is just a blip on the radar. 5 years after graduation all those people who were so important have scattered to pursue their own lives.
When they make the money, they can decide where to live. Until then, they go where you go.
Well any place you live is going to have good and bad. I happen to love CA, but I am not thrilled when I sit in traffic.
You sound like a nice guy, but you and your wife are both working in MT. It's risky enough for a single person to move somewhere without a job lined up, you don't do that when you have a family to provide for.
I left CA for awhile and was in the south. The area was semi-rural. Among the teenage population was rampant pregnancy and a huge drug problem. So there you go. It was a real eye opener considering this was the Bible Belt. I never saw so many unwed young single moms in my life.
You also shouldn't suggest church as we don't know if the OP is religious or not.
And newsflash, nothing is the same in this country anymore regardless of where you live.
Yes I very well realize some rural areas are like, I just suggested a Church because it is a big part of a small town culture and a possible way of meeting kids in the community. No newsflash needed your not saying anything I don't already know.
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