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The first step is probably to get the mass marketing idea out of your head that you can be a great mom and a great whatever your career is. You cannot. You can however be a good enough mom and a great careerist, or a great mom and a good enough careerist, or an awesome mom totally dedicated to parenting. You can even be totally dedicated to your career and still be a passable mom.
However, the fact is your are not going to be as great a Mom part time as you would full time.
Your child's needs come first. Period. If you are too exhausted to care for the child, go to school and work full time, school or work will have to be renegotiated. You have 18 years to be the best parents you can be. after that, POOF! you can't get that time back.
I was a SAHM, and I went to grad school, one class per semester. It took me six years. Then I got divorced, and had to start working full time. I was a teacher. During the school year, I used every single scrap of sick leave, annual leave, personal leave on my children. When school let out each June, I laid in bed for a week like I had the flu. It got a little easier as they got older, but then I started working year round and sincerely regretted it. They needed more parenting than my ex and I could offer. So I started working part time.
My point is, every family has to do what it takes to parent the kids they have and negotiate a lifestyle that works. IMHO, expecting both parents to work full time and having a quality of life that makes sense is not realistic.
My youngest goes to college in 2018. I'm going back to work full time this fall, as a teacher, so we'll see how it goes for her last year of school. She's willing to try it. Then she'll go to college and I'll continue to work a school schedule so I can be flexible for my kids in the summers. I can work until I'm dead, but parenting my girls could only happen during a certain time period.
You can however be a good enough dad and a great careerist, or a great dad and a good enough careerist, or an awesome dad totally dedicated to parenting. You can even be totally dedicated to your career and still be a passable dad.
However, the fact is you are not going to be as great a dad part time as you would full time.
What you are doing is very hard OP. I worked full time and had a colicky, sleepless baby as well. But I didn't have school on top of that.
The first few years, I don't even know how I did it. I was tired ALL the time. But after that first year, I changed companies and my hours were much more flexible. Flexibility is key for a working Mom. I also moved closer to family (I was a single Mom) and that was also a huge help. My parents were the best grandparents EVER.
Bottom line, it's hard and you can't be perfect at everything. I ended up climbing the corporate ladder - only to take a step back when the travel became just too much.
I stepped back into a job where I did some day travel - but also worked from home. That allowed me to volunteer at the school, be on the board of the PTA, chaperone field trips, teach vacation bible school, etc. It was really fun to do all that and there is a short window in which to do that. Especially with a son - they tend to NOT want you showing up at the school when they hit middle school.
That said, do I sometimes feel wistful when I see other people my age who moved on at work while I stayed behind? Yes, I do. My plan was to rev my career back up when my son left for college - but by that time I was a women of 52 years old and no longer a sought after commodity in corporate America.
So.
Trade-offs will probably be made at some point. That's just life. I look back to my time with my young son and also the time we spent together because I was on the board of his swim team (and therefore at the pool when he was) . . . and I feel good about it. I feel good that I was a familiar face at his school.
That meant I often had to catch up on work on some week-ends or evenings, but it was worth it. When I see my friends who progressed beyond me . . yes, I felt wistful and wish I made more money. But now we are all nearing retirement age and . . I don't think about it so much anymore.
I love my adult child and we enjoy spending time together. He lives pretty far away in Chicago.
I think he appreciates what we were able to accomplish together. But I think he is also proud of the fact that I had a good paying job. It was fun and interesting and sometimes I would take him with me on the day trips if school was out, etc.
My wife is a stay at home mom, It is hard to juggle work and kids especially small kids, I really do not know how people do both, maybe if you have grandparents that are still young enough to help out or you make big money and can afford a good day care where it's worth it, but for us we decided it would be best for her to care for child and I would work as much as I could to get by.
I know not everyone has a partner that could support them 100% or even have a partner at all, but money is not everything, quality of life matters and also nobody is going to care and look out for your child like the Mom or dad.
To be quite frank, I don't how working moms do it. I seriously am in awe of the moms out there that put in 40 hours at work and then come home and be awesome moms.
I am a SAHM and I can't even imagine coming home from teaching all day and then muster up enough energy to tend to my kids the way they need to be. Before I had kids, I would come home and have to decompress for an hour or two before I was reenergized.
My youngest of three will be in kindergarten next year. We've decided that I not work next year to make sure our youngest transitions to school. But after that, the plan is for me to begin teaching again. We will see how that goes.
OP, if you are serious about both advancing your careers, you should consider having no more than 2 kids. When they get older and are in sports or other activities, it is a real time commitment to get them where they need to be. You can hire a nanny to drive them around, but I prefer to do it myself. I adjusted my work hours so I'm able, but that adds stress at work because I'm not there at the same time as everyone else.
I would caution you against thinking everything is always going to be 50-50. Sometimes it can't be and sometimes it just won't be. You mentioned that "for now" he's working more. He's not going to just start working less later. Think about that now. Plan for that now. He's not going to not show up for a class he's supposed to be teaching because it's time for him to clock in with his 50%. He's able to work more now because YOU'RE there. Plan for who will be there when you're working more. If we're being honest, a breastfeeding mother is always doing more than the father. It's great that he's very involved with the care but your life has definitely changed more than his, particularly career wise. And when you are getting back into working more that might put you at a little bit of a disadvantage. Because you will see "who is watching the baby today?" as OUR problem and he will likely see it as an "I don't know, I have a schedule to keep" answer because he hasn't had to worry about that since the baby came.
There is so much resentment that builds in relationships during the first year (or three!) of parenthood. I'm sure it's possible for that to not happen, but it has happened to literally every single couple I know. You mention not getting stuck at home while he lives his dreams. You might have to reframe your thinking a little bit. Like someone else mentioned - the baby does become your life. They're not just something that's added to the picture that was there before. You'll get through this, most couples do. Don't get scared if it's bumpy. Really bumpy at times. It's a wild ride but it's a fun one.
Personally, I wouldn't even attempt having a full-time career and a child under five at the same time, unless circumstances forced it on me. What a hard joyless life.
I believe babies need their parents full-time for developmental reasons, and their circle of caretakers needs to be small at that time in their life.
If it were me, I'd keep my hands in my chosen profession by working at it part-time, and then going full-time once the child was four or five. Having your mom take care of the baby while you work part-time is ideal. Glad you have her.
I do have a kid. I have a 6 months baby. A wanted kid (even if he came earlier than expected), a gorgeous sweet baby boy who i love more than i can ever be able to express. However, what shocked me more about being a parent, its how utterly hard it was. Its not that me and my husbands were stupid enough to think having a kid would be easy and we would be able to carry on with our lives like before only with the addition of a cute baby in the picture. Nah, we knew it was gonna be hard and it would completely change our lives for ever.
Now, i didnt sleep for the first 2 months. I mean literally. My kid is not keen on sleeping, not even now, but then, he didnt sleep at all. His total sleep consisted in one "long"nap in the afternoon (maybe 1 hour) and very very short naps here at there at night, 20 minutes at a time, and whenever he was in the car. His total sleep per day was, at most, 4 hours total (counting all the naps and car time). So, since at night he was mostly crying and if he slept he did it for only 20 minutes and then back to cry, me and my husband did NOT sleep at night, not even one minute, we would take turns to take him and walk him so he would stop crying (he wouldnt), change his diaper, feed him, etc. We were destroyed. And IF we got some sleep at all it was when my MIL or my mom (who lives in another city so she wasnt around much) came home and take him out for a while. There, we would sleep around an hour. Per day. For 2 months. And the rest of the time he was crying. Still dont know how we went through that.
At 2 months thing got a bit better if only because the little one stopped crying so much (he suffered from colics, thats why he cried so much the first months) and got more interactive, learned to smile, played with me, etc, so, eventhough we still didnt sleep, it was kind of rewarding with all his cuteness. Also, i went back to work (only 2 days per week and a couple of hours, though) and it made me so damn happy to be out from home, eventhough i was completely exhausted, it literally changed my mood to go do something outside the house, use my brain, interact with my co worker, do something for me, etc.
At 4 months he learned to sleep. It turned out all he wanted was sleep on his tummy, but since now is forbidden to put kids to sleep on their tummy, we put him to sleep on his back, so when he learned to roll back and forth he could acomodatte himself to his favourite position (tummy), so this was a blessing. One night he just sleep for 3 hours straight and we couldnt believe it. Since then, he wakes up every 3 hours at night (sometimes 2), and sleep around 7 hours total at night (with all the breaks in the middle) and one short nap in the day. He still isnt a big sleeper but at least we might get around 5 hours a night of sleep (with breaks) wich is 5 times what we used to get.
His personality changed too, he used to be crying and in a bad mood all day, but, since he learned to sleep, he is the smiliest kid ever, he smiles all the time, is very social, and is generally all day happy except when he is crying, wich is only when he is hungry or tired. He is extremely sweet, sharp, he is always making eye contact with everyone and smiling and playing and ""talking"" (baby talking) with them, he easily stays with his grandparents, and is a happy kid, he is also the most gorgeous handsome kid i ever saw and i swear i dont say this cause he is my kid, this is actually for real, that baby has the features of a prince (?) and i still cant believe we were able to produce such a gorgeous child.
Anyways, as you see, im not in a bad situation, and i dont have a particullary difficult child. However, this past months have been hard. Specially cause me and my husband both have carreers and im not gonna be a SAHM while he goes out work, we are gonna do co parenting, each one will do its part, im not planning on sacrificing my career or extra education forever while i raise the kid alone and my husband is out living his dreams. This was actually discussed before getting pregnant and my husband thinks the same. For now, since he have the most succesful carreer (university proffesor, paid investigator and researcher, he has a phd in ancient philosophy), he is the one working the most out of the two, and i take care of the baby a bit more than him, cause he is working. But im also working (im an editor) and doing my masters in publishing, and i have a lot of projects lined up for when the baby starts being more independent. For now, since im breastfeeding, im with him a lot of the time, but 3/4 times a week, a couple of hours im out of the house for working/studying, and then i do the rest of the work at home.
Im still struggling to find time to do all the things i gotta do, to study, to prepare some of the work i have to, and we rely on the help of my MIL, who comes 3 times a week to watch the baby, and my husband, who i dont know how he does it but he just finished writing a book and earn 2 new positions at a university, while caring for a newborn. He is also exhausted. We both take turns (one day he bathes him, one day i do it, one day he cooks, one day i do it, the one that cooks doesnt do the dishes, he takes the baby for a walk while i work and viceversa) in everything, and im guessing that with the extra work that is coming (he just earned 2 teaching spots in a university, will be busier next coming months, and i ve been offered a new book project that is very exciting -is my field and i love the topic- but i will need to work a couple of hours more per day) i just dont know how we will handle.
Anyways, i guess i just wanted to vent and ask how parents do this day with one child or more than one child and carreers and relationships. Everythings great for now, im really happy of being a mom and the baby is adorable, but i cant help to worry about the future and my carreer and my husbands carreer and our time, and if we ever gonna have time as a couple again ever, and if ill ever have time for me again or thats over forever-
In this times, when both parents usually work, and both parents have their projects (not like before, while women were expected to stay at home raising the children and men was expected to go out and work and provide) im guessing a lot of negotiating is requiered in the couple, and new challenges arise regarding whats the best way to parenting, etc
I wanted to read experiences parenting and combining parenting and coupling and careers and how hard/challenging can be
Hi, I've been there and am still there sometimes. And the father of my children was a workaholic and I felt his priority was his career and I was expected to take the lead in child rearing while working FT. I did it because I love my children and I felt the sacrifice was worth it (I worked FT but gave up my extracurricular and social activities). I would choose work or school with young baby but not both. School can wait a couple of years until he's a toddler or in preschool.
One piece of advice I will give you is don't resent your spouse because I did at times and ending up divorced and I will tell you it is 10x harder as a single parent. Sometimes I wish I had stayed with my ex until the babies were grown for financial and security reasons so just think about that.
First you have to accept you won't be able to do it all (ignore these damn celebrities who have nannies, personal assistants, baby nurses, cooks, etc...) because most of us don't. Figure out your budget and get a good childcare provider (I used a fabulous daycare that was probably similar in cost to a nanny but had better hours and activities.) once a month I took a day off (vacation day or even use sick day) but still put my baby (babies) in daycare and just had the day to myself. Sometimes I just sleep, went grocery shopping, or had a meal in peace.
If you can afford it, get a mother's helper once a week to be in house with you to help with dishes, bath time, picking up toys, etc..,they were cheaper than babysitter. I also budgeted for a housekeeper (but currently do not have one) so I would not have that extra stress of having to scrub bathrooms or entire home in addition to mothering a child.
Focus on big picture - your baby will grow and it gets easier. The 1st year is hard. You have a beautiful family and these sacrifices are worth it. It wasn't until I had my 2nd child (and 3rd) that I realized it's ok to let them cry at night for 10-15 minutes as they can usually put themselves back to sleep. If you have feed him, changed his diaper, know he is not sick, teething, etc..,it's ok to let him cry for a bit.
For holidays when in laws, siblings or parents ask you want to buy tell them free babysitting, a parents night out, a certificate for house cleaning, a play date on their time, etc... I found when I could leave for a few hours or have a day to look forward to by myself it made a big difference in my quality of life.
Last edited by Vanmichael; 04-22-2017 at 10:50 AM..
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. Nah, we knew it was gonna be hard and it would completely change our lives for ever.
. And the rest of the time he was crying. Still dont know how we went through that.
. Also, i went back to work (only 2 days per week and a couple of hours, though) and it made me so damn happy to be out from home, eventhough i was completely exhausted, it literally changed my mood to go do something outside the house, use my brain, interact with my co worker, do something for me, etc.
