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What responsibility does the OP's adult daughter have in this situation? She is 32 years old. At some point shouldn't she also be expected to behave respectfully toward others, including her mother's husband?
Why should mom give up her future of love and companionship with her new husband because her daughter behaves so poorly that he is compelled to make a crass remark about her? One that he apologized for?
Clearly there are a lot of issues going on, and of course the daughter bears responsibility for her own poor behavior. No question.
But, no one is "compelled to make a crass remark" about anyone. And to make not only a crass remark, but what is commonly considered to be the most crass thing one can call a woman, to a person you ostensibly care about, when talking about someone SHE cares about, shows a lot of disregard and self-centeredness. That would concern me.
I agree that I'd stop having alcohol at these events.
Clearl there are a lot of issues going on, and of course the daughter bears responsibility for her own poor behavior. No question.
But, no one is "compelled to make a crass remark" about anyone. And to make not only a crass remark, but what is commonly considered to be the most crass thing one can call a woman, to a person you ostensibly care about, when talking about someone SHE cares about, shows a lot of disregard and self-centeredness. That would concern me.
One and only time, as far as we know. Concerning, yes. Divorce worthy, no.
If your daughter's first reaction is to go after your husband for the laugh, and not your son for the joke, she is carrying an immense bias against him. I would imagine he can feel this constantly with any kind of interaction, and I am sure for 3 years that would cause quite the build up.
One and only time, as far as we know. Concerning, yes. Divorce worthy, no.
Did I mention divorce?
I said he wasn't "compelled" to behave poorly any more than the daughter was. You seem to be blaming the daughter for the husband's behavior. They both behaved poorly and both are responsible for their own behavior. The fact that he isn't in the habit of using that word makes me think he understands how offensive it is. Yet he used it to his wife, to describe her daughter.
So the kids are adults. The new husband is an adult that likes to drink and call his new wife's adult daughter bad words. I have no idea what he called her as it was edited out. It does not matter what he called her. What a jerk. Can I say that here?
My thoughts are that a new step parent coming into the picture has no right to get involved with how things are working out between a parent and child. They don't get an opinion. The dynamic has existed long before they came along. If the adult daughter, realize not a little kid or even a teenager anymore, is a whiny little girl then that is not the new husbands problem He did not have to marry the woman. He knew about her before he married his wife. The new husband has one choice and that is to keep his thoughts to himself.
If the OP knew how he was before they got married then she should have thought about how her choice in a husband was going to effect the dynamic she had with her daughter. It would seem that the drinking would have been known by this time as well. May not have known he did not like the daughter but the OP more than likely knew he was a drunk. (Although it seems she did know that he did not like the daughter.)
Not sure why people even get married. Someone mentioned because they don't want to be alone. I don't see that as a reason to get married. I don't see getting a divorce as an answer because someone used a bad word. I see a teaching moment though. The OP does not want the use of that word around her ever. I get that. Make sure that the husband knows that and maybe other words that you would not want to hear. Time to set some ground rules, although it would seem that is what dating is for. Trying to find out what kind of person you have in front of you in the first place.
Uhhh..no. If the Step Parent has their name on the mortgage, is contributing financially and emotionally to the wife AND kid(s), they do have a say so in such matters. If the kid is just being a pain and is just a trouble maker in the hopes of getting mom "all to themselves" like it was before, then the Step Parent has a right to voice their opinion because it his their life also.
And she isn't the only one allowed to "set the ground rules"...it should be a joint effort. Respect goes both ways and I hate it when people think the Step Parents should be the ones to cower in the corner and let everyone else just run over them.
Uhhh..no. If the Step Parent has their name on the mortgage, is contributing financially and emotionally to the wife AND kid(s), they do have a say so in such matters. If the kid is just being a pain and is just a trouble maker in the hopes of getting mom "all to themselves" like it was before, then the Step Parent has a right to voice their opinion because it his their life also.
And she isn't the only one allowed to "set the ground rules"...it should be a joint effort. Respect goes both ways and I hate it when people think the Step Parents should be the ones to cower in the corner and let everyone else just run over them.
Uhhh..no. If the Step Parent has their name on the mortgage, is contributing financially and emotionally to the wife AND kid(s), they do have a say so in such matters. If the kid is just being a pain and is just a trouble maker in the hopes of getting mom "all to themselves" like it was before, then the Step Parent has a right to voice their opinion because it his their life also.
And she isn't the only one allowed to "set the ground rules"...it should be a joint effort. Respect goes both ways and I hate it when people think the Step Parents should be the ones to cower in the corner and let everyone else just run over them.
I think some parents are so run over and manipulated by their kids that they are blind to it. When someone else comes along who doesn't tolerate the kids inappropriate behavior, there's an uproar.
What responsibility does the OP's adult daughter have in this situation? She is 32 years old. At some point shouldn't she also be expected to behave respectfully toward others, including her mother's husband?
Why should mom give up her future of love and companionship with her new husband because her daughter behaves so poorly that he is compelled to make a crass remark about her? One that he apologized for?
^this^. I do hold my daughter responsible for her behavior also, she used the joke (imo) to justify an angry outburst towards my husband. Believe me, I know he's no angel but her reaction, as well as his, was inappropriate to the situation. I'm disappointed by the lack of respect by both of them.
The original intent of my post is to weigh the seriousness of him casually using the word and how it is affecting my feelings towards him. It's not just a word, words have power and convey feelings and intent. But more than that, she is a part of me. Her values and morals are influenced by the way I raised her. Even though it's not a direct insult towards me, it feels like it. Strangely, it feels in a way that he also called me that, even though I know in reality that didn't happen. When someone rejects my kids, in a way I feel rejected too. This is part of my "dilemma" I guess. Sorting out my feelings not only regarding their relationship to each other but how that dysfunction reflects and affects me.
^this^. I do hold my daughter responsible for her behavior also, she used the joke (imo) to justify an angry outburst towards my husband. Believe me, I know he's no angel but her reaction, as well as his, was inappropriate to the situation. I'm disappointed by the lack of respect by both of them.
The original intent of my post is to weigh the seriousness of him casually using the word and how it is affecting my feelings towards him. It's not just a word, words have power and convey feelings and intent. But more than that, she is a part of me. Her values and morals are influenced by the way I raised her. Even though it's not a direct insult towards me, it feels like it. Strangely, it feels in a way that he also called me that, even though I know in reality that didn't happen. When someone rejects my kids, in a way I feel rejected too. This is part of my "dilemma" I guess. Sorting out my feelings not only regarding their relationship to each other but how that dysfunction reflects and affects me.
You also have to look at what that word means to him, not just you, because that is where the intent originated. This situation should not be boiled down to the use of one word, IMO.
I would be SO mad if one of DH's adult children, came to my house, and got mad at ME for laughing at a joke, someone else told.
Granted, off color jokes are pretty normal in our world.
I'm guessing you husband felt the same, and pretty frustrated as this does not seem to be the first time. Thus..... use of the unfortunate word.
Not right. But, I understand it. (Best Chris Rock voice)
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