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I would not be able to turn my back on my son if it were me. I know lots of folks here are encouraging you to do that.
He is in a situation that he will likely not be able to recover from. Now the girl will go after child support, and he is essentially homeless, and without family support. So, eventually he'll be jailed for non-support. If he has a job he will lose it, plus he'll have a criminal record, hard to find a job, non-payment of support....a vicious cycle. Meanwhile the children suffer.
I still am waiting to hear what your husband's history is, I sense that he is not your son's father.....if he is he obviously has not set a good example for the adult that you are hoping that your son will become. Right now your son needs some support getting there.
You can bring a horse to water but you can't make him thirsty. At 23 my mother kicked me out and I went to live with my father. I had been living with her for about 6 months, had a part time job and a motorcycle, and wasn't contributing anything to the house. My father provided a folding bed in the living room and a single meal a day. He also had me pay him rent. I was there 6 weeks, got a job the second week, saved a few dollars and moved out. Paying rent is a great incentive to move out.
If your son is argumentative and demanding, lazy and a moocher, it's unlikely that dynamic will change at home. If he's willing to pay rent, work minimum wage and sleep in a bed in the garage or basement or attic, it might work. Don't make it too comfortable for him, otherwise there's no incentive for him to do anything but mooch off you and do whatever he wants with his time.
I would not be able to turn my back on my son if it were me. I know lots of folks here are encouraging you to do that.
He is in a situation that he will likely not be able to recover from. Now the girl will go after child support, and he is essentially homeless, and without family support. So, eventually he'll be jailed for non-support. If he has a job he will lose it, plus he'll have a criminal record, hard to find a job, non-payment of support....a vicious cycle. Meanwhile the children suffer.
I still am waiting to hear what your husband's history is, I sense that he is not your son's father.....if he is he obviously has not set a good example for the adult that you are hoping that your son will become. Right now your son needs some support getting there.
I don't think I could let my kid become homeless, either, if it were in my power. I think I'd always offer my home, and if they were truly destitute at the time they moved in, I wouldn't charge rent, make them sleep in a garage, etc. When my youngest graduated from college with no plans (e.g. grad school) and no money, we let her live with us. She eventually got a job, in the awful recession of 2009, and later moved in with a boyfriend who she will be marrying at the end of next month. If the kid refused the offer, well then there's not much you can do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
I don't know what experience you've had with "Tough Love", but I know several counselors of adolescents, and a lawyer in juvenile court who said that's the wrong way to go, and many of the prior advocates of Tough Love have renounced their support of the idea.
It would be hard to get a clear picture, statistically, of how often this works. How would the Tough Love kids have fared with continual parent support? How would the kids who had parental support fared with Tough Love?
So many stories are anecdotal, in this thread. Well, when she was 18 she screwed up so we kicked her out and now she's 24 and she's more mature! Well, yes. Yes she is. She's 24.
I'm interested in missing/unidentified persons, and can tell you it's heartbreaking to read through "unidentified remains" lists and find all these young men. No one is looking for them, no one cares. In some cases, a sibling locates the story and claims the remains, saying "well he was kicked out 5 years ago and we hadn't heard from him since". Yep.
Anyone can look through these files on line. It will give you pause about kicking your wayward kids out on the streets.
I think "Tough Love" gets misinterpreted. I'm not a fan of any specific parenting method; I think it depends on the kid and the parents. However, I'm pretty sure Tough Love doesn't involve throwing kids out into the street and the like. Not enabling kids is a part of Tough Love and I think that's a good part, for example.
Our oldest son will be 22 years old at the end of the month. He's always been a defiant, sneaky, disrespectful kid. At the age of 17yo he got a girl pregnant. He still had 1 year left in high school, while she had just recently graduated from HS. Right after that child was born they became pregnant with a second baby. By this time we were moved out of state and they were living with her family. We bought him a brand new car for the reliability factor and he wrecked it within a few months. He used his insurance money to buy a piece of crap truck to replace the brand new car. Their relationship was a disaster, as you can imagine. In January of this year he called us sick, living out of his truck (was kicked out of girlfriends house) and no job. We told him to come live with us and we'll help get you back on your feet. He can out and a couple months later he drove back out to pick up the gf and kids. While heading back his pos truck died on him. I drove out and picked them up. We laid down house rules, which he didn't follow and just having everybody here was a nightmare. The kids cried a lot and it wore on everybody's nerves. She never got a job(she applied but we live in a small town and it's not the easiest) and he could only work at a local restaurant for min. wage since he didn't have any transportation. Well all the stress came to a head one weekend morning and things got out of control real fast. We said the gf and kids need to leave and within a week my husband was driving them back to her family. Our son didn't know whether to stay or go. He applied to different places there and a friend said he could live with him. He was promised a job so he left last weekend. He gets there and discovers the gf has moved on and isn't wanting to let him see the kids. His job prospect isn't as secure as he believed. His housing isn't as secure either. He slept in the park for sure in Sat. Night. Sunday he called crying and wanting to come home. But because he has ignored everything we ever said to him when giving parental advice, ignored the house rules ( no sleeping all day, no food or drinks in room, no chewing tobacco anywhere near the house), fighting with his 15 year old brother, disrespecting and yelling at me for stupid things we said he could not come back. He needs to grow up and figure it out. We've tried to help but he doesn't listen. I'm having a tough time though. My husband and I argue over him all of the time. I'm too soft where he's concerned. And my hubby says he's a "cancer". Son thinks we've abandoned him and we disowning him, which we're not. We just don't him live no with us anymore. But we haven't heard from him since. Did we do the right thing? Not that it matters. He needs to grow up.
What could you have done differently? Financially supported his girlfriend and her kids indefinitely? Continued to put up with his disrespectful, immature behavior indefinitely? Risked your own marriage and financial security (provided you don't have buckets of money to support two additional adults and 2 kids)?
However, since his situation is currently very precarious you might consider getting him home and explain to him that he should join the military since there are no opportunities in your small town. They will train him, he will get free housing/food/medical, and (hopefully) gain a lot of maturity in the process.
I know it's hard, but it's the only way he is going to learn to take care of himself. As long as he has a place to crash and burn, he won't be serious about getting (and keeping) a job.
I hear this posted time and time again on the parenting forum.
While I think it has some merit, I don't think it is universally true.
There are millions of young adults out there, myself included, who have our parents as a safety net. I know that if I screw up, basically no matter how bad, my parents will take me in. Yet somehow, I still graduated from college and am working a normal career.
Show of hands. How many of us in this thread have successfully raised kids who are doing well and are still very very bonded and close as a family?
*raises hand, 3 adult kids, all love each other, all doing well* (not that I don't think fates could turn and some of the spinning plates could wobble. That's life).
Four kids, all doing well, all love each other, 5 grandkids either in college or the Army. I won't pat myself on the back though, because, except for trying to set a good example, we didn't do anything different than others whose kids did not do as well.
In a nutshell, we were easy going parents who didn't sweat the small stuff, but were strict about mutual respect, lawfulness, and honesty.
I don't know what experience you've had with "Tough Love", but I know several counselors of adolescents, and a lawyer in juvenile court who said that's the wrong way to go, and many of the prior advocates of Tough Love have renounced their support of the idea.
It would be hard to get a clear picture, statistically, of how often this works. How would the Tough Love kids have fared with continual parent support? How would the kids who had parental support fared with Tough Love?
So many stories are anecdotal, in this thread. Well, when she was 18 she screwed up so we kicked her out and now she's 24 and she's more mature! Well, yes. Yes she is. She's 24.
I'm interested in missing/unidentified persons, and can tell you it's heartbreaking to read through "unidentified remains" lists and find all these young men. No one is looking for them, no one cares. In some cases, a sibling locates the story and claims the remains, saying "well he was kicked out 5 years ago and we hadn't heard from him since". Yep.
Anyone can look through these files on line. It will give you pause about kicking your wayward kids out on the streets.
He is not an adolescent, he is 21. I have several friends who have children who they enabled all throughout their lives and are still enabling them well into their 30's and 40's and approaching 50's and they are nothing but a danger to society, themselves, and their parents. It is hard and tough love doesn't always involve kicking them out but making them understand that you will not tolerate them not obeying your rules. If they fail to obey the rules, you can't just say oh well, there needs to be consequences. For adolescents, tough love may involve taking away the car, getting them up and out of bed and taking no grief from them. Not giving them money just because they threaten you or say they'll go live on the streets. Not buying them cars, video games, and everything they want or demand. Requiring them to get a job and/or go to school.
Tough love also means helping your child come to the realization that they are headed down the wrong path and only they can get themselves out of it and if they don't want to then that is up to them.
How long should a parent take the abuse some children dish out? Same goes for children of bad parents, there comes a time when for your own piece of mind you have to sever ties.
ETA: The OP if she decides to let her son stay in the house, she needs to set rules. He gets a job, he is up by 9 am on weekends and helps around the house mowing, whatever needs to be done, he comes home at a decent hour or if there is special circumstances he calls and lets them know. He abstains from sex or uses contraception to protect from having another child, nevermind some disease he might pick up. He supports those two children and makes every effort to see them, even if he has to go to court. Finally, you will give him nothing but a place to stay and food.
Last edited by NorthofHere; 08-17-2017 at 03:11 PM..
It sounds like he needs the military, to straighten up. Nothing else will work. Whether the military needs him is another question.
Seriously. As the mother of three sons who distinguished themselves in the Army, I can tell you that they do not take a bunch of slackers with no other options. The standards are very stringent. Nor do soldiers want to work with those who are not dedicated.
My wife and I have a saying: Our house, our rules. Two of our six did not want to live by our rules, which include going to school full time, going to school part time and working part time, or working part time and paying $500 a month rent. On top of that they will assist or pay for at least one bill such as the gas, electric, water, or cable. Our oldest son left when he was 18 and will be 26 soon. Another son left when he was 17 and had graduated. Our second son is still with us and is happy that the other two left as he has his own room and has spent his own money fixing it up. He goes to school full time and works, plus helps out with the cable bill, pays 1/3 of the cell bill and cuts the grass.
Kind of glad we have two on their own. The others can see that we mean what we say.
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