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Well, hang on. People are allowed to change their minds. We went through all the marriage classes. My wife and I started out wanting lots of kids. But by the time #3 rolled around, I said "enough."
I can understand this happening - I have 3 and it's a full house! How does your wife feel? Does she still want more?
I am engaged to be married June/July of this year, date pending on whether I can get out of my lease a month early or not. Having said that, both he and I are divorced. I have custody of my 2 children, a 19 year old son and 15 year old daughter, both living at home with me. He has custody of his 3 children, 15 year old son, and 2 daughters ages 3 & 4.
Among our early discussions once the relationship was heading into the serious arena, was that of future children. We both agree that with the 5 children together we have enough. However, we do say how nice it would be to have one of our own together... but it is more as a commentary than anything else for both of us or on both of our parts.
We have both however have also agree that IF another child would be conceived it would not be a horrible thing either but we would see it as an added blessing and both of us would welcome the addition into the family.
We are both on the same page on this very important issue, because it is. The decision to have or not have children can and probably should be a deal breaker because if the couple does not see eye to eye on it or they have different aspirations in this direction it can be a huge source of stress in the marriage and ultimately lead to resentment of one to the other and a marriage breaker.
My fiancee and I agree on the use of birth control and are discussing and considering the possibility of a vasectomy for him as it is far less intrusive and complicated for him than it would be for me to have tubal ligation. Risks are far less, vasectomy is outpatient and non-invasive while tubal is not, etc, etc.
We have also discussed the slight possibility that either one of us or both of us may change our mind, doubtful but the possibility exist and both of us are in agreement that should one of us change our mind, it would be discussed and the other is not strongly opposed to the idea. It would be more of a discussion as to being able to provide that child with everything that he/she would need emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually.
I personally don't think that people necessarily go into marriage without the discussion coming up at least once. I do however believe that they go into marriage with a bit of a nievity in that they believe that either they will change their mind or that they will change their partners mind after they are married or as was said... that marriage will somehow just miraculously fix or solve this difference between them. That is a huge mistake in my opinion. While yes either of those can happen, the reality is that both parties may be setting themselves up for failure should the reality of it not happening be what occurs.
Mari
Mari, how exciting! I wish ALL of you much love and happiness as you start your new life together as not only husband and wife, but as a family. May you always be blessed with much abundance in all forms.
Well, hang on. People are allowed to change their minds. We went through all the marriage classes. My wife and I started out wanting lots of kids. But by the time #3 rolled around, I said "enough."
The same thing with people deciding they want none at all. I've known people who started down the avenue of infertility treatment, and said "Oh, to hell with it," while the other partner still wanted to try.
Or, the reverse happens where a person doesn't originally want children, and suddenly they do. I've seen that happen, too.
In short, people change over time. Their attitudes, aspirations, fears, and philosophies. And I don't care how many marriage encounter classes a 22-year-old will attend before the wedding, that person will be different in a host of ways five to six years after saying "I do." Or, at the same time, how many times did you agree to something in principle during those discussions but, when it came down to decision time, taking a different slant on things?
As a 45 year-old, I understand what you are saying completely. People most definitely change, mature, and grow over the course of the years and nothing is 100% fool-proof (pre-marital classes or not). However, it's something, which is probably better than nothing at all. I've been married for almost 25 years and have a large family, so I'm probably a moot point, however, if my husband (or I) was deadset against having children (which some people are), I would have liked to have known that, as much as I think that my husband would have liked to have known that if that was the case for either of us. Having 2 children vs. 3 children is different than someone wanting zero children and would rather take a bullet then be a parent.
As a 45 year-old, I understand what you are saying completely. People most definitely change, mature, and grow over the course of the years and nothing is 100% fool-proof (pre-marital classes or not). However, it's something, which is probably better than nothing at all. I've been married for almost 25 years and have a large family, so I'm probably a moot point, however, if my husband (or I) was deadset against having children (which some people are), I would have liked to have known that, as much as I think that my husband would have liked to have known that if that was the case for either of us. Having 2 children vs. 3 children is different than someone wanting zero children and would rather take a bullet then be a parent.
Agreed. But you also have to realize that sometimes, in the full blush of engagement, there are people who agree to things in the heat of the moment and then wake up later and say, "Wait a minute!"
Rather than view those people as fickle, it's important to realize that minds can change over time. After all, how many people can really, truly say that they are the same person in their 40s as they were in their early or mid 20s?
Agreed. But you also have to realize that sometimes, in the full blush of engagement, there are people who agree to things in the heat of the moment and then wake up later and say, "Wait a minute!"
Rather than view those people as fickle, it's important to realize that minds can change over time. After all, how many people can really, truly say that they are the same person in their 40s as they were in their early or mid 20s?
You are 100% right. This is why marriage IS difficult in the best of circumstances, much less when there is such a huge wedge in it, like facing the issue of whether to have children or not. I wholeheartedly agree with you that there is no fool-proof anything, no tried and true recipe for marital happines and bliss. The best thing that I can think of is honesty from the beginning, as much as possible, even if it means breaking up and going separate ways if the divide is huge. To me, it would come down to do I want to get hurt now or twenty years down the road? Of course, if I was in my 20's, I wouldn't be thinking that, most likely.
I think some things can get brushed under the rug (i.e. children or not) for a while, even years, until the biological clock starts ticking for example. What I should say, in order to clarify myself, is that I'm certainly no soothsayer nor do I have everything figured out, that's for sure. In fact, the longer I live, the more I realize that there are no universal truths, that not everything works for everybody. I just hope that being honest with the person you're about to marry, is a good way to start the marriage. That's all.
Well, hang on. People are allowed to change their minds. We went through all the marriage classes. My wife and I started out wanting lots of kids. But by the time #3 rolled around, I said "enough."
The same thing with people deciding they want none at all. I've known people who started down the avenue of infertility treatment, and said "Oh, to hell with it," while the other partner still wanted to try.
Or, the reverse happens where a person doesn't originally want children, and suddenly they do. I've seen that happen, too.
In short, people change over time. Their attitudes, aspirations, fears, and philosophies. And I don't care how many marriage encounter classes a 22-year-old will attend before the wedding, that person will be different in a host of ways five to six years after saying "I do." Or, at the same time, how many times did you agree to something in principle during those discussions but, when it came down to decision time, taking a different slant on things?
Well you are right about "22-year-old will attend before the wedding, that person will be different in a host of ways five to six years after saying "I do." and thankfully my hubby were not that young and had done a lot of what we had set out to do already; plus we even talked about how long to wait until we started a family in order to do more things together. We are so glad we did because we also know younger couples that were 22 or so like you say and had kids right away and are now very resentful...
My 1st marriage was this way. Except we agreed that we wanted children, approximately 1 year after we had been married. 1 year after we got married, I said "Let's make some babies". He said "I never want kids". I begged, pleaded and tried to compromise (waiting longer, etc..). No deal. He is now my ex-husband. We DID discuss it before marriage, and he either changed his mind or lied to get me to marry him. Either way, he's now my ex.
My happily ever after is that I'm now married with 3 children (Which we agreed on 2-3 children before we got married).
You can't tie someone to children, or anything else, because they might have agreed to it before marriage. And if you value your marriage above the object of disagreement (in the case to have or not to have children), you make it work.
And if you value your marriage above the object of disagreement (in the case to have or not to have children), you make it work.
Not me! If my husband pulled a bait and switch on me in terms of not wanting a family, I know we would not have stayed together. And if we did, I would have resented the hell out of him!
Raising a family was super important to me, so when chosing a husband, I made it clear what my desires were for the future.
In marriage, it's important to be on the same page, but what's even more important is that you be on the sam epage at the same time - timing is everything!
My husband and I agreed that we both wanted 3 children before we were married, possibly 4. While pregnant with #2, I declared that if #2 was a girl he would have to discuss #3 with his second wife. I said it in a humorous way, but it was a shock to him. Later, we discussed it and when he understood my reasons, he came around to the idea. #2 was a girl, so we have 2.
When our daughter was born, he wanted to "get fixed" right away but as he was leaving for a 6 month deployment when she was 6 weeks old, we decided to wait and see how we both felt when he returned.
He made the appointment within a week of returning.
Things change and married couples learn to compromise. Although I "announced" I was done, I did listen to his reasons for wanting another. As I said though, once he heard my reasons, he changed his mind.
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