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I'm just curious as a married 34 y.o. woman without kids.
How often do you get a break from the kids where you get to just rest (i.e. watch TV, sleep in till 8 or 9 A.M., read a fun book, go for leisurely walk, go on date night, go on a trip without kids, collect your thoughts/day dream, etc.)
As someone without kids I get about an hour and a half to two hours per day of relaxation time. On the weekends it varies due to amount of chores and other responsibilities. I'd say at about 4 hours each day.
By the time they are preteens you get the same amount of daily downtime as above. Toddlers go to bed early, and you can throw them in a backpack or stroller and go for the walk etc. Likewise preschoolers and below are really easy to travel with.
The only time that downtime was functionally non-existent was the first 6 months.
It's really dependent on the kid due to their personality, temperament and other factors (colicky, reflux, high needs, special needs, etc.) My older two were pretty easy toddlers/preschoolers and still are in the preteen/teen stage. Both are introverted and were pretty good about developing their sense of independence at an early age. Though there were challenges with both when they were babies (GERD with dd1 and sensory processing disorder and GER with dd2), and dd2 continued to have SPD during the early years and has ASD.
My son was an easy baby, but more challenging toddler in that he had ADHD and was always "on," which can be a lot for someone who is more introverted.
So there can be multiple factors and variables when it comes to the overall dynamic and how much free time you'll have at different stages. Everyone's situation is different. I solo-parented for many years because my ex-husband was overseas for long stretches or time or away for training and school. Free time came during nap and bed time, or when I used a sitter or had family nearby to watch them on occasion.
My husband has a very flexible schedule, is more of a part time SAHD, so it's easier to make time for non-kid activities and such. Plus, older kids are in school for a good portion of the day. My MIL watches the youngest once a week and takes a kid or two or three for the weekend once or twice a month.
Last edited by Metaphysique; 12-02-2017 at 06:22 PM..
I think this depends a whole lot on the temperament of the child. Some kids are easy-going, others just require "more" of everything, including your time and attention. Our first was a cruiser, our second still does a pretty good job of absorbing most of our down time, even at 11yo.
Employment outside of the home and proximity (and willingness to babysit) of grandparents are also factors that will have a big influence on relaxation time.
Realistically, I don't think you can expect to have the same amount of downtime that you currently do. If only they came with a Pause button!
Thanks everyone. I guess I forget about their early bedtimes and nap time. I guess that helps some. And I never thought about the needs of the individual child. Some need a lot of individual attention. Being a single parent can play a huge role too.
There is a big difference between little kids and big kids.
Newborns - never
toddlers/preschoolers - after they go to bed
School age - depends. If you are a SAHP, probably every day, at least for a few minutes. If you work, maybe very rarely. It also depends on whether they have after school activities, how quickly and independently they get their homework done, what time they go to bed, and how well they entertain themselves.
Middle school - At this point, mine go to bed at the same time or later than we do, but they also do their own thing more. They aren't always around, but it isn't predictable when they might be at a friend's house, or something, so it isn't always relaxing. But I can relax when their sport are off season, in the evening, depending on what else we have going on.
There are a ton of variables to this question. A lot of it is dependent on the individual child. My son was very high needs for the first 2 years and then was great at playing independently.
I also think it depends on how high a priority you place on this. If it's a high prioirty, then you can find babysitters, ask family, swap with neighbors, use drop off child care centers (open weekends and evenings) to get a break or relay on screen time (in moderation, of course) to get some down time. Or make sure that the kids have early bedtimes - we used to have at home date night where we had a nice dinner together after the kids went to bed - I used to get 1 to 2 hours every night to watch TV and read becuase the kids went to bed by 730/8 so even a tough bedtime meant I was off duty at 9.
You mentioned going away without the kids - that depends on your willingness to leave them and if you have someone to watch them. We didn't leave mine till last year when my youngest was 13 because I didn't have someone until then to watch them for the week. So we just took the kids with us on trips around the world. But I know people who left their kids with grandparents at a few months old.
Another wildcard is how much your spouse shares in the parenting. I was a SAHM with two kids 19 months apart. And when my husband got home in the evening, he would give me a 30 minute to an hour break and play with the kids. And then on the weekends he would make sure that I got a longer stretch - like 2 or 3 hours to take a nap or go somewhere alone. These breaks were in addition to nap times (my daughter didn't nap until she was about 2 years old) and bedtimes.
It gets a lot better about 5 years old because they need less supervision and can play more independently. Then a lot better about 10ish. And when you can leave them by themselves at home for a short time 11/12ish depending on the kid - life changes for the positive dramatically. Then by about 14, you are lonely because they are teens with their own life and find yourself with too much time and nostolgic for the days when they wanted you to play with you constantly.
I was worried and wondered about the same thing. Yes, the little years are hard. But you mind it less than you think because you love your little ones more than you imagine. And you realize very early on that it all goes very quickly and to try to take advantage of it.
It varies greatly kid to kid, introvert to extrovert personality, high needs to low key, etc sleep patterns as a baby and small kid. As a mom of a 6 and nearly 4 year old, I can say I only get my downtime after 7:30pm every night to read, watch tv or anything that’s mindless me time.
My youngest is in preschool every morning until 12:30 and in the midst of being potty training, so this current phase I feel very “on” all.the.time. Almost like back to when my oldest was 2 and a newborn brother phase, youngest is the type of kid that cannot be trusted left to his devices for 30 mins or longer. Oldest son wasn’t like that, so had more downtime for me when youngest was napping and oldest left to his device playing. I use every morning as the head of house role to do things, run my errands, doctor appointments and the like. I also run for 45 mins every morning too, but that doesn’t feel like me time since it’s something I mentally do to tick off on my to do list. I honestly don’t see much time for myself until youngest goes off to kindergarten in a year and half, but by then evening activities and increased homework will be ramped up. I’ll shall see and report back here in 4 years time, ��
Mine are 7, 10, and almost 13. The only consistent “me time” is my commute to and from work. Date nights are rare, maybe a few times per year, but we do go to the gym together early in the morning. Time out with a friend, maybe a few times per year. Our only overnight away was once, about 5 years ago, but we are going away by ourselves for a week again. In 2020, lol.
In short, it all depends. Each child you add to the mix significantly decreases your odds of having alone time. Temperament is a factor. Working outside the home is a HUGE factor. Involvement of the other parent is a factor. Involvement of grandparents and extended family is another factor. I don’t find that the age of the children is a major factor, because they don’t really need you less as they get older; their needs just change.
Last edited by Ginge McFantaPants; 12-03-2017 at 06:59 AM..
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