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I am hoping that someone could provide insight and advice on our situation. My 18 year old stepson came to live with us when he was 13 because his biological Mom could not handle him any longer. He had been in trouble in school, and had been stealing from the home. My husband thought it was for the best, since we could provide stability for him. I was, and currently am a SAHM to our special needs son, and we felt that this would situation would be best for him. It has been a epic disaster to say the least. He has stolen from us, from friends and family members, and from various nurses we employ in our home to help take care of our youngest son. He stole money from the booster club at his high school. He would lie to anyone who would listen, and make up stories about his living situation to get sympathy in hopes someone would give him money to the point that the school became involved. He made up stories about me and even told teachers and counselors at his school that I was faking my youngest son's Autism to get him Medicaid. When my youngest son was diagnosed with Leukemia, he used that to try and win peoples sympathy and of course get money out of them. At 17, he decided he was going to quit high school and get a full time job. In Pennsylvania, you can leave school without any parental consent and since he was flunking out, we knew we were fighting a losing battle. Our rules were, he had to work full time and save his money so he could get himself a car and also get his GED. We would provide food and shelter, as long as he did what we asked of him. Both of us felt that if he were making this adult decision, he needed to be responsible enough to purchase his own car without our help. Things were going well for a few months until we discovered he had not saved one dime - he had blown it all on junk food and video games, and had taken up smoking. Then he decided to cut his hours at work - so my husband made him to go back to high school since he refused to follow the rules. Once he returned, he caused many problems there, and ended up getting expelled after a few months. In the meantime - my husband lost his position at work, and has had to take a new one in North Carolina and I am here dealing with this alone until the end of March. We gave our son an ultimatum, get your GED by the end of March, and if he didn't he would need to leave. Since my husband has been gone, he has taken full advantage of the situation, and has done nothing. He sneaks out in the middle of the night when I am sleeping and runs the streets. I do not believed he has studied at all. He works minimal hours at a gas station. The last straw for me was finding an empty bottle of grape wine in his room, which was more than likely stolen from the church he attends his youth group at. I am of the belief, that we should follow through and throw him out. My husband has a harder time with this, I know he is worried that something will happen to him. His biological Mom refuses to let him stay with her, so he really has nowhere to go. Let me add that our marriage has suffered greatly because of the strain,and we were separated twice in the past because of it. And for the record, my son did receive counseling, and was prescribed medication that he refused to take. Any advice, without judgement would be appreciated.
He needs to be out on his own, regardless of how he does that. If he stays with you and repeatedly gets away with this behavior, he could simply be viewing it as not a big enough problem for you to really do anything about.
If he doesn't want to live with your rules, then he needs to go somewhere he can live by his own. Do not let him drag you down. He's old enough to be considered an adult in the eyes of the law, it's time he started acting like one.
This kid is probably not going to change at this point. He needs to go, for the sake of your marriage and your sanity. And, try not to feel guilty about it. Five years in your house and still no respect? Pack his bags.
Sorry you seem to be going through this almost alone.
It might help to make your husband take his son with him the next time he "moves out" because of the tension on the marriage due to the actions of his son, and dad not following through with his own rules.
I think he will be more likely to share responsibility of how to deal with his son and follow through with his threats for a change.
He needs to leave, but his dad has to be the one who calls it. You’ve both done everything you can for him. This kid is going to have to sink or swim on his own out there. I would prepare myself mentally for sink, and try to do everything in my power to strengthen the marriage to withstand the blowback if/when that kid implodes.
If the father won’t cut him loose it might be time to consider all your options. You have other kids to protect. He’s on a path to bad things and he can easily take all of you with him.
His bio mother needs to take responsibility. He is 18, a legal adult, you can kick him out of your home if you want. That's what I would do even if it meant divorcing the father. If his dad wants to continue to enable this good-for-nothing kid, that's his problem. Do you want the police showing up at your house? When you live with a criminal you can wind up in legal trouble yourself, even if you don't do anything wrong. I personally would not feel a strong enough bond with a step-child to put myself at risk.
Thank you so much for all your replies. I never knew that we could be in trouble legally because of his actions, I just thought because he is 18, it would all fall on him. That puts a new perspective on things. On regards to the bio mom - she is just a complete train wreck. She will never step up in this or any situation. She never paid a dime in child support, and now is living off the government and about to implode herself. The strain on me has at times been almost unbearable, but at least I tried to step up and do the right thing.
I never knew that we could be in trouble legally because of his actions, I just thought because he is 18, it would all fall on him. .
I did have police at my house one time for something my 9 year old allegedly did (stealing from a store); since she's under 10, she can't be charged with a crime, though. Believe me, it's not pleasant to have police show up on your doorstep without knowing why.
It sounds like you are indirectly supporting the bio mom, since her son lives with you. You owe her nothing. I would stop enabling both her and the son. Unless you get him out of your home, he will be living with you for the remainder of your life.
I had a friend at work with a heroine addicted son that would steal everything to pay for his habit. They finally kicked him out. He was literally living on the street for a couple of weeks. He came home, went to rehab, and relapsed. He was again kicked out and lived on the street. It took awhile for him to realize that having a family and a warm bed was more important then having drugs.
Your step son needs a good dose of tough love, lest you raise another entitled rectum.
Thank you so much for all your replies. I never knew that we could be in trouble legally because of his actions, I just thought because he is 18, it would all fall on him. That puts a new perspective on things. On regards to the bio mom - she is just a complete train wreck. She will never step up in this or any situation. She never paid a dime in child support, and now is living off the government and about to implode herself. The strain on me has at times been almost unbearable, but at least I tried to step up and do the right thing.
Let's say that your step-son steals things and hides them in your house or garage. That could get you into trouble. Or your step-son starts to use illegal drugs and keeps them in his bedroom, in your house, or in your car. That could also get you into trouble. I'm not saying that it would get you into trouble but it could, even if he is 18.
Perhaps, your husband should have his son live with him and not put all of the responsibility on you. I bet that when he has to deal with his son he will either start to be stricter or throw him out.
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