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I’m a single, almost 30, female, and lately have been giving myself a hard time about not having a child by now. My “plan” was to have kids by the time I was 30 so they could leave the house at an age where I won’t be in my 50s and so I could retire early to travel the world. Well, life wanted me to instead land a dream job at a Fortune 100 Company and these last several years have been about growing within the company (which I’m definitely not complaining about).
I guess I’m wanting to get thoughts from others who had children in their 30s and the pros/reasons of why you are glad you waited. This subject has been really getting to me as all my FB friends seem to be having children all at once and I just saw a commercial where the average age of a woman to have her first child is 28.
If NOW is not the time to have kids then you need to do your world traveling now. Unless you were planning to retire early, you'd have been working in your 50s the same as now so just switch it out.
You have to roll with the punches - babies don't materialize out of thin air (or if they do, it's when you least expect or want them )
I’m a single, almost 30, female, and lately have been giving myself a hard time about not having a child by now. My “plan” was to have kids by the time I was 30 so they could leave the house at an age where I won’t be in my 50s and so I could retire early to travel the world. Well, life wanted me to instead land a dream job at a Fortune 100 Company and these last several years have been about growing within the company (which I’m definitely not complaining about).
I guess I’m wanting to get thoughts from others who had children in their 30s and the pros/reasons of why you are glad you waited. This subject has been really getting to me as all my FB friends seem to be having children all at once and I just saw a commercial where the average age of a woman to have her first child is 28.
Are you unhappy to not be "average"?
Back in the late 70s, I moved to Texas from a state up north. I was 25. At my first visit with a new doctor, he commented that I was getting "older" and asked how long I planned to wait to start my family. I had been sitting in the waiting room next to a woman and her obviously pregnant 16-year-old daughter. I remember thinking, "So that's normal here?"
I had my only child a few months before I turned 32. That's just the way life happened and it all turned out fine.
Setting plans and timelines in cement is setting yourself up for comparison, disappointment, and unhappiness.
Having a good career will make a lot of things possible for you. Don't miss your "now" by obsessing on what you thought you'd have by a certain date.
And retirement? Don't rush yourself. You'll get there soon enough, believe me.
My “plan” was to have kids by the time I was 30 so they could leave the house at an age where I won’t be in my 50s and so I could retire early to travel the world.
Career-wise, your being childless for 20 years between 30 and 50 would most likely to play into your "plan". On the contrary, having kids during those 20 years would deteriorate your career moderately to severely, so at 50 you would rather find yourself catching up on all those under-earned retirement savings, instead of "travelling the world".
It's increasingly tough to get established and financially able in one's 20s to have children for a variety of reasons. I'm 32. I didn't get my first "career track" job until I was 28. The days are gone where two 18 year olds can get married, work their way up, and have kids a few years later.
Seriously - I was TWENTY-SIX. Not 18.
And regardless of any perceived economic difficulties, biology is not on your side. For all those people posting that they had a kid when they were 40-something so they didn't have any problems - sure. YOU'RE chance of pregnancy after 40 was 100% because you actually had a kid.
But 95% of OTHER 40+ year old women had ZERO percent chance.
If you want to take that risk then do it with your eyes open. I knew several women who waited past 35 to have kids and then were heartbroken when they found out they couldn't manage it any more.
My wife had our second child when she was 37. I think the older you are, the harder it is on your body to have a child and recover from it. Things don't just spring back into place, no matter how "in shape" you are. But it's all good. No regrets.
I mean, I was 20 when I had my first...and I had wanted a larger family and to be done by 30 because I was an only child from a broken family. All wonderful for me, but DH was 30 when our DS was born and 35 when #2 was born. If we did want more, we'd be 30/40 for #3, but we're done.
No way would he have been ready prior. It's been fine, he did what he wanted prior and is a great dad/husband now and enjoys those roles.
He had the advantage of having excellent credit, established employment history, being done with school (and paying for it - though now he's going back!) and he's still one of the younger dad's when we're out and about, or just looks like it! He didn't really do a lot of career building or massive saving honestly, but he did what he was interested in at the time and is happier as a provider and dad than he would've been without that time I believe.
I'd get off Facebook, stop watching commercials, and continue to live life as you see fit.
And regardless of any perceived economic difficulties, biology is not on your side. For all those people posting that they had a kid when they were 40-something so they didn't have any problems - sure. YOU'RE chance of pregnancy after 40 was 100% because you actually had a kid.
But 95% of OTHER 40+ year old women had ZERO percent chance.
If you want to take that risk then do it with your eyes open. I knew several women who waited past 35 to have kids and then were heartbroken when they found out they couldn't manage it any more.
Nobody is recommending waiting until 40 on purpose, not one single poster.
It's 5% chance of pregnancy per month, not 5% over all. 30 year olds have a 20% chance per the same study. Percentages for different fertility treatments also vary, you're way oversimplifying the data.
In my case, I have a lot more eggs left than the average 40 year old, since I didn't ovulate at all for several years. I am more fertile now than I was at 32. We're not all the same.
Also, there are a lot of unpleasant things to deal with once you have children that may seem like more of an afterthought until it's reality.
For me they were:
- Choosing to be an at-home mother. Something I never considered prior. I kept putting off going back to work month by month, until he was 9 months old and I decided I'd rather stay home.
- Finding care you trust.
- Childhood illnesses. Croup, 6th disease, Hand Foot Mouth, etc. They'll being lots of colds home the first few years of exposure to other kids, some can be quite scary in little ones for new parents.
- Mom shaming/drama/parenting debates. Breast vs. bottle, stroller vs. baby wear, cloth vs. not. All designed to make mom's feel horrible.
-Subsequent kids.
-Not sleeping.
-Colic.
-Reflux.
-Dealing with schools, doctors, etc.
-Learning to parent effectively.
The average also includes all those people who never go to college and have kids right out of high school. The average age for educated professional women is higher. I had my first right at 30 and my last at 36. I had a lot of energy, patience and knowledge. I wouldn't go back and change anything. I can't think of a single con if I were making a list. I have a high end education. I worked for a while, enjoyed my 20s quite a lot and I have no doubt when they are all out of the house, I will still have plenty of energy left for travelling with my husband and playing with my eventual grandchildren. And we worked and built up some net worth, so I was able to switch to part time and then stay home with my kids and we travel WITH them all the time. They've been to so many cool places.
I REALLY appreciate all the mature advice. I thought for sure there would be some smart a** remarks lol. I’m very blessed to work for one of the best traveling companies in the world where I can fulfil my passion of traveling several times a year. I’m trying to get bucket list travel vacations in prior to having kids too. I got married at 21 (I was a military spouse so I’m shocked I didn’t come out of that marriage with 3 kids prior to 25 lol), but with a nasty divorce a few years after my marriage, I just focused on myself and fulfilling my dreams. When I was married, that’s when I was like “I’ll definitely be a mom by 30.”
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