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Could she have a sensory disorder and the feel of the clothes could be irritating her. My son has a sensory disorder and his is mainly around food and clothes. If you've never heard of it read up on it and see if it sounds like your daughter.
Over the past two years our 6 year old daughter has displayed very bad behavior on numerous mornings. It starts from the moment she wakes. She does not like her clothes and refuses to wear the outfit we had her pick out the prior night. She will often then complain her clothes don't fit her along with make her skin itch which is incorrect because we keep buying new clothes to provide more options. This all comes along with crying, temper tantrums, etc. My wife and I both work so it makes it extremely difficult to get out of the door on time. All said and done, she gets dropped off to school and is fine. She is an excellent student and behaves very well at school. This past summer we had her work with a therapist on how to control her emotions and behavior in the morning. Unfortunately this has not resolved the problem. As parents we have tried everything from behavior charts to taking away toys, tv, etc. At this time we are looking for any advice as everything we have tried has not resolved this bad behavior. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I would say this is perfectly normal 6 year old behavior. I would guess that the main reason that the standard reward and punishment scheme is not effective is because she is not seeking to "misbehave" but that school mornings are hard for her. It is hard for many kids.
A couple of observations. If she does not have a hard time picking out the clothes the night before, the clothes are very likely not the issue. More options are sometimes the wrong approach anyway as TOO MUCH choice can be hard for a young kid to process. If there are sensory issues, I would think they would present with more than just morning attire but with other items throughout the day. In any event, if she did not object to the clothes the night before, it is unlikely the clothes the next morning.
The single best approach to tantrum is respond as little as possible. when you get her up, calm loving good mornings and otherwise do not respond to the tantrum. Provide an easy routine. Give her a 10 minute warning when it is time to go and a 5 minute warning. Then just go. In whatever state she is in. No emotional outbursts. Just it's time to leave. Pick up her clothes and stuff and walk out the door with her. It helps enormously to plan it out for the first few days. Have an easy hand held breakfast ready to go... Or whatever practical matters need to address.
This is a good time to look into parenting thoughts in general. This book is pretty awesome
Definitely look into her sensitivity to the clothes. My sister had to remove all tags from my nephew's clothing because he found it irritating to the point of distraction.
Even in my middle-age I've very sensitive about the seams in socks. They also have to be the right fabric combo. There are some shirts I refuse to buy if the fabric doesn't feel "right" to me.
Definitely look into her sensitivity to the clothes. My sister had to remove all tags from my nephew's clothing because he found it irritating to the point of distraction.
Even in my middle-age I've very sensitive about the seams in socks. They also have to be the right fabric combo. There are some shirts I refuse to buy if the fabric doesn't feel "right" to me.
My youngest is on the ASS. Happily, for all involved, he only had ONE sensory issue, and it was easy enough to work with it.
His socks bugged his feet. Turning them inside out, and folding the toe seam under his foot took care of it.
I would say this is perfectly normal 6 year old behavior. I would guess that the main reason that the standard reward and punishment scheme is not effective is because she is not seeking to "misbehave" but that school mornings are hard for her. It is hard for many kids.
A couple of observations. If she does not have a hard time picking out the clothes the night before, the clothes are very likely not the issue. More options are sometimes the wrong approach anyway as TOO MUCH choice can be hard for a young kid to process. If there are sensory issues, I would think they would present with more than just morning attire but with other items throughout the day. In any event, if she did not object to the clothes the night before, it is unlikely the clothes the next morning.
The single best approach to tantrum is respond as little as possible. when you get her up, calm loving good mornings and otherwise do not respond to the tantrum. Provide an easy routine. Give her a 10 minute warning when it is time to go and a 5 minute warning. Then just go. In whatever state she is in. No emotional outbursts. Just it's time to leave. Pick up her clothes and stuff and walk out the door with her. It helps enormously to plan it out for the first few days. Have an easy hand held breakfast ready to go... Or whatever practical matters need to address.
This is a good time to look into parenting thoughts in general. This book is pretty awesome
This. Let her be in charge of getting herself ready for school. It's ok if she doesn't want to wear whatever she picked out the night before. Let it be her responsibility to decide what she wants to wear and to get herself dressed and ready to go. And if she's not ready to go when you are, fine. Let her go in her pj's and change in the car as you're driving to the school. In other words, let her suffer the consequences of inaction.
She'll probably decide she'd rather get dressed at home next time.
Pick your fights. Don't micromanage. Logical consequences.
I'm not a psychologist, I'm just a mother. It sounds to me like there are two problems there: 1) she does not want to go to school and leave you, her parents. She wants you to stay with her at home, 2) the clothes may be making her uncomfortable.
New clothes are more uncomfortable than old clothes, as they often have starch in them and other things which scratch sensitive skin. Make sure you have washed anything new before she has to wear it. You might have to remove the labels, as others have said.
She might be very worried - for some reason - about having to go off somewhere by herself while you're not there. This is normal. My poor mother had to come to school with me for the first day or two, for about 2 years, and actually sit in the back of the classroom. If she tried to go, I would look around and tear up. I don't think this would be allowed nowadays, I don't know, but I know I was absolutely terrified for her to leave me. And yet I loved school. It was the separation thing. And the newness of it all. This might not be your daughter's problem at all, but it's obvious there is a problem and you need to think carefully about what is happening. Are you rushing around trying to get yourselves ready and not really giving her the attention she needs first thing in the morning? You could try getting up an hour earlier and getting yourselves all ready so that when you get her up you can give her all the attention and help she needs in a "not rushed" way, maybe some cuddles first thing, and it's all about her, etc.etc. This won't last, I promise you, if you can find out what her real problem is.
I had a similar issue around this age - wrinkles in my socks were my morning complaint for months, though I don't recall complaining about other garments. My poor mother would try to work with me, pulling my (usually short cotton) socks this way and that, to no avail. Once I finally headed off for school, I was fine - the distractions of the school day got me over the hyper-focus on my hypersensitive feet.
My feet were very sensitive to pleasant textures too, and for years my furry Teddy bear slept at my feet and kept them warm. I'd use my toes to pull him up by his ears, which had to be replaced several times as a result (Teddy ears, not toes). Does your daughter seem to enjoy some textures - fur or plush in particular - similarly? Might be a clue.
I also had baby fine hair as a child and was extremely tender-headed until I was about eleven. Does your daughter express pain when you wash, comb or brush her hair? Teach her to handle her own hair as much as possible if so, with a little help, and make sure she has an easy to maintain hairstyle. This was very real for me- I outgrew it when adolescence hit and never wore my hair very long, obviously way back then, but I can remember it well.
I was never diagnosed with sensory issues and am not sure that was even known back in the 1950s. Nor did I have any exceptional difficulties at school or other pressures that I can recall, other than an older boy, a neighborhood bully who would try to intercept younger kids en route to and from school. He terrified me and many other younger children in our neighborhood, yet the school and his parents were oblivious to other parental complaints (he wound up in prison as a young adult, predictably). That was about the same time as the wrinkle-in-my-sock era, so perhaps there was some connection that no one, including me, then made.
BRW, reframing your daughter's problem in some way other than "bad behavior" would be advisable. She is already unhappy enough about this, and although it's obviously frustrating to have her reject your efforts to work with and accommodate her, she's not rejecting you, just the sensation of discomfort, so don't take it personally. It's not likely to be a deliberate effort to irritate you.
Get her to a doctor who can test her for sensory issues, read up on them, wash the daylights out of new clothing using soap without chemical additives, cut out bubble baths, have her use mild bath soaps with no additives, make sure her inner garments that touch the skin are silk or cotton, and don't forget distraction is a huge help when she hyper-focuses. If she responds well to furry, plushy textures, get her a small plushy toy she can keep in her pocket to caress and distract her from her other, uncomfortable sensations.
Get the humidity up in the house, too, to help avoid dry, itchy skin and electricity-charged clothing. She may need some kind of lotion, but the doctor should advise about this.
Best wishes to you. It will pass eventually.
Last edited by CraigCreek; 10-13-2018 at 08:12 AM..
My grand daughter is going thru this phase. She is the oldest so she tends to want to be the "adult" in the household. finally My DIL decided...to ask a neighbor who has a 9 year old daughter, to stop over in the mornings . Seems that my grand daughter adores her because she is older yet still a kid. So she emulates the older girls habits. this includes, being tidy and punctual. This neighbor girl is quite kind to swing by ten minutes before her bus time to be "looked up" upon. sometimes it takes a kid to show a kid how to behave.
Only on a few occassions has my little grand daughter tried to be a bit obstinate and when she does the older girl grabs her bag and makes a beeline for the door. Boy does stop her little episode.
Is there perhaps a cousin or someone near her age that can be that positive role model? Sometimes kids see adults as the ogre....despite our loving attempts to guide them into better habits.
So, sensory issues. Okay at night/not good in the morning with crying, tantrums. Excellent student.
Sounds like an asperger/autism kind of issue to explore. Not necessarily a bad thing at all. Wonderful people, brilliant people, thoughtful artistic people can be in that group. And it's a wide spectrum and some say no two are alike.
Children with sensory difficulties have more problems falling asleep and night waking.
There is a sleep apnea-autism connection. There is a link between apnea and aspergers.
Note that apnea in children can be different than in adults.
Read up on these and have an insiteful professional do a workup.
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