Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I really like the idea of them experiencing consequences of their own actions thru using "logical consequences". I will implement it more with my own child next time. I try to do the same, but it's hard sometimes. It seems though as it's more effective then forcing punishment upn them.
I really like the idea of them experiencing consequences of their own actions thru using "logical consequences". I will implement it more with my own child next time. I try to do the same, but it's hard sometimes. It seems though as it's more effective then forcing punishment upn them.
Can you recommend some Love and Logic books?
I don't actually have any of them myself....
The school my 10 yr old was in prior to this year had a principal who implemented the philosophy of Love and Logic in the school. I attended a couple of parent meetings about it and watched the PBS special they aired. The rest I simply read off their website. I was pleased that it was so very similar to how I parent in general and liked how it gave some specific examples.
One they had on the special was quite funny...about a teen who arrived home past curfew or something along that line who was told to go on to bed and try not to worry about what her consequences might be. Mom would need to discuss it with her friend's mom and maybe her counselor at school before she decided. Of course the poor gal nearly made herself sick worrying long before being asked what SHE thought should be her consequences. haha
Anyway, I'd just check out their website then maybe go thumb through what they have at the bookstore to see what might work for you. I have to say there were a few examples I didn't care for and a few responses that were a little over the top for my personal preferences. Take what you can use and pass the rest.
It sounds like you do a lot of negative reinforcement- Try going the other way with Positive reinforcement. Reward her when she does have a good day, buy her some special treats that she picks out, or stickers. You can also buy a motivational chart at a teacher store with little stickers. They have various columns for things you can label (got along with brothers, shared toys, was polite to mommy..) for each good day, give her a sticker and have a large reward when she reaches 5-10 stickers. Or use a large jar with marbles and each good day, she gets to drop a marble in the jar. When it reaches a certain point, she gets a new toy or animal. Be positive in your words and actions too- praise her constantly when she behaves and watch being too negative around her. Instead of saying NO all the time.. try redirecting her instead : ) Hope this helps, I know this little ones can be tricky! Good Luck
Thanks so much! Everyone had such wonderful thoughtful responses. I liked the Love & Logic ideas. I have actually read that but obviously my emotion gets in the way when she starts pushing my buttons!!! I did see that I was doing too much punishing & not enough praising. I talked with my sister-in-law about this too & she suggested taking my daughter on girl's days out alone without the boys & we have since tried that. We also have been discovering our new city as a family & letting her choose things we'll do. She is getting better but is still a little rough & sassy. I am going to work on your recommendations but it will take time, since it requires a conscious effort on my part to behave according to the plan each & every time she acts up!! It's a mindshift, but I think I will get there. Thanks again!
Try just going ahead and sending her to school. There is a cute little boy in my toddler class at church but omg he is a handful. He constantly is getting out of the seat, hitting, biting, and saying mean things to me. I heard at school he listens to his teacher and is a little angel. I think kids know that when their at school the teacher is their boss but at home/church they know they can walk all over us lol.
I haven't read everyone else's response but I just came across your post and I had to respond. I have an almost 6 year old boy who drives me nuts too! He doesn't listen, thinks he can do whatever he wants and constantly bullies his younger brother. Nothing works, time out solves nothing, just makes him scream and cry and whine (ugh the whining!) Some lady I met told me to try this and by golly it works! What you do is you take 10 index cards and you have your child come up with 10 punishments (we could only come up with 7) for example, lose your Wii for a day, no tv for a week, lose computer time for 3 days, things like that. So I wrote these "punishments" on the cards for him. I explained to him that from now on everytime he acts up or doesn't listen he will have to pick a card from the bunch we wrote up. So I give him two warnings, basically if he acts up I say "One....if he doesn't stop then I say Two..." and I swear this is the only thing that works. I have never had to fan out the cards and have him chose a punishment. This works so far because he knows what the punishments are because he chose them and number two, he can't be mad at me for it because he made the punishments up! Just don't let her chose cheesy punishments like my son tried to pull "no veggies for dinner" yeah okay that isn't a punishment. Let me know if this works. I swear things have been so much better since I started this! Direct message me if you try it! Good luck!
If she...'undesired behavior'...then 'logical consequnce'....will happen.
It's been my experience that some kids that age just DO NOT understand logic.
Example:
Parent: You can either eat your dinner or you can go to bed without a bedtime snack.
Child: No I will just have a snack now.
They grow out of it eventually and start understanding logic. It's a frustrating idea to have to teach. It makes you want to scream when they don't get it.
My wife and I got together when my step daughter was 4 yrs old. There were a LOT of growing pains there. My wife had to be at work at 6:30am. Because of this I had to take her to daycare in the mornings. This, my friends, was a little peice of hell to start off every day before work.
She rebelled against me for all the reasons that step children rebel against their step parents. She was loud. She wouldn't just cry; she would scream; she would kick; she would fight with every muscle in her body. It's very hard to keep your cool in a situation like that. She got several spankings from me that I know she'll never forget. She told me once,"Your hands are like rocks." LOL "Dang right they are. You'd better straighten up and fly right.", I'd tell her.
She's pretty much a model child now. It just took her a long time to figure out that she wasn't acting right and that I'm not the enemy.
The person who wrote called hypercore seemed to have such great ideas. The Love and Logic parenting tools are great! The author is James Jones. We have attended some lectures by him as well as listened to his tapes. He is a no-nonsense type of discipline person, in my opinion, but so far his ideas work. He is a great presenter, interesting, and a bit humerous.
Good luck. I think it is important to give your daughter immediate attention to anything good you can find, just so she realizes you are thinking of her in a positive way. If she hardly ever does anything positive, you can find something, such as, "I like the way you skip" or "I like the way you turn your head" or something that may sound silly to you, but she will take as true and positive attention.
God bless you, you are a good and caring mother.
In general, kids do whatever to get the reaction or response they get from the adult. As hard as it is, no matter what she does to provoke you, a HUGE step is in staying perfectly bland and not responding or reacting. (i know that is not always possible because as you know the frustration is incredible)
i also found when I do lose it (me, as a parent), the kids thought it absolutely wonderful when I gave myself a time-out. When I do lose it with the kids (and yell, or scream, or throw things myself) I KNOW it is wrong and once I was able to, calmed down enough, I do three things: I admit to them what I did is wrong, I apologize to them "Yelling at you is wrong, I should not have done that and I am sorry" and I give myself a time-out.
Now the kids when I started doing this got all big eyed and silent and dumbfounded just from the sheer shock but it turned out to be a real win-win situation. Me going in a room and shutting the door for 5 minutes, or sitting in a chair in the corner to them seemed HUGE for a parent to do; for me it was a joy having a few minutes to myself!
Most important for all of us is i am modeling healthy behavior in apologizing, i am admitting that it is ok not to be perfect, i am not doing anything to them that i would not do myself, and i am saying and showing what "better" behavior would have looked like (and hopefully will next time). So when I'm able to say afterwards, "It was wrong of me to throw your toy across the floor. I was feeling really sad (or angry or hurt or upset). It would be better for me to use my words instead of throwing things, because it's really scary when people throw things. And I'm sorry I broke your toy. Since I broke your toy when I threw it I will replace it."
I can't always be a perfect parent, no one can, but kids appreciate honesty, kids appreciate seeing that we as parents make mistakes, and can and do apologize for them.
I know it sounds hokey but it had of way of bringing things into the manageable range.
The other thing that comes to mind reading your post, is (and I know this is not always possible or easy with other kids and a family to care for) on a regular basis having one on time with her, we called it "a date" where it is just you and her, or just dad and her that is her "date" and her time alone. An experienced parent recommended this when our kids were small and going through a horrible set of changes in their life (divorce, moving, new schools, parents and grandparents fighting all the time) and it made a HUGE difference, we ended up doing it all the way through high school with them. They were each able to open up and talk and share and feel soooooo special when it was devoted one-on-one time that they did not get anywhere else in their life especially with other siblings around.
My five year old doesn't respond well at all to time outs, to withdrawals of privileges, to punishments, or to logical consequences. I've learned through painful trial and error that parenting books and advice that use any type of behavioral strategy are not the best fit for my child. It just sets us up for huge power struggles with our strong-willed, smart, verbal, high energy child. Instead, I'm now a fan of connection parenting. If I focus on staying connected to my child, he wants to be helpful, cooperative, and well-behaved, so much so that lately we've gotten compliments on how well-behaved he is in public. Books that have helped us tremendously are Playful Parenting (Lawrence Cohen), Connection Parenting (Pam Leo), Between Parent and Child (Haim Ginott), and "I Love You Rituals (Becky Bailey).
If all the behavioral strategies aren't making things better and you are feeling overwhelmed and incompetent (which is how I felt when those strategies weren't working for my family), try the books listed above. They've been like magic for our son.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
