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Work is slow today so I'd like to posit to you all our latest parenting situation, for fun, and see what you guys think.
My husband and I have 2 kids. My husband's mother retired from teaching last year, and wanted to move down south to be closer to her children (she was pretty much all alone up north). Moving is expensive, and we knew she couldn't afford to get a new place until her old place was rented out, so we offered for her to stay with us until the rental was figured out and she had saved up for a down payment or deposit and some emergency funds. She has been with us 6 months now, as a guest.
Yesterday was Valentines Day and the kids had no homework. So as a special treat, my husband and I took the kids and grandma out to eat and to a movie. After the movie, we were all tired, as we were just getting home at the kids' normal bedtime. My daughter, who is 8 years old, walked in the door and immediately started getting her stuff ready for school tomorrow. Grandma asked her "did you like the movie?" She just shrugged her off and didn't respond. My husband then says to our daughter "grandma asked if you liked the movie? Yes or no?" She again doesn't respond and starts heading to the bedroom to go to bed. Grandma looks all pitiful at my husband, as if her feelings are hurt. My husband then says "why won't you answer your grandma? Don't make me angry!" At which point she stops and just starts to cry without saying anything. My husband then says "if you don't answer your grandma, then you are grounded tomorrow". She continues to cry, and not say anything. So he grounds her. She then goes to her room, gets in bed, and continues crying.
Once the kids were out of earshot, I told my husband that he was wrong, he shouldn't be punishing our child for not wanting to chat and wanting to go to bed. His stance was that she disrespected grandma by not answering her question, and then disobeyed him by not answering his questions, and should be punished because it sets a precedent for not having to answer to your elders.
After the kids went to bed, my husband and I had a long talk and resolved this. But I want to know, who's side would you guys be on? Who was right? Was what our daughter did a "punishable offense"?
Your husband doubled down and made the whole situation worse, but he was right. Your daughter owed her grandmother a considerate response. All she had to do was say, "I liked it! Think I'll go to bed now."
The punishment was mild and I believe your husband was right to have your daughter simply give a verbal answer to her grandmother. Responding to whether a movie was liked or not should be within the realm of an 8-year-old to cope with. It was her dismissive attitude that elevated the situation in my view. Was there a prior issue with grandma that had festered and somehow made this incident more than what it should have been? Just think of the joys ahead when the teenage years come roaring in.
As soon as she started to cry he should have backed off. Maybe should have let her grandmother take the lead on this one instead of making it about him.
Also remind him that no one can"make" him angry; he chose to get angry of his own accord rather than keeping a cool head.
both were in the wrong, but the burden is more on your husband since he is the adult there. Should have backed off when it was clear your daughter wasn't gonna reply, but handed it over to grandma to take over the reins if SHE really wanted an answer.
i agree with pp did something happen during dinner/movies or drive home to get your daughter in that state of mind? normal for your daughter?
Husband should have minded his own business. The grandma is not a stranger. She should have handled it. That is, if she didn't say anything to your daughter then that is done and over with. The MIL started this by basically daring your husband with look that implied, "are you going to let your daughter ignore me?"
He could have easily talked about it once she was tucked in bed or the next day.
I am going to assume that she has said some things during her "visit" about your daughter to your husband regarding her (dis)respectful behavior. And he felt the pressure at that time to do something.
He overreacted and his pride dictated how he reacted.
both were in the wrong, but the burden is more on your husband since he is the adult there. Should have backed off when it was clear your daughter wasn't gonna reply, but handed it over to grandma to take over the reins if SHE really wanted an answer.
i agree with pp did something happen during dinner/movies or drive home to get your daughter in that state of mind? normal for your daughter?
Very perceptive! Yes, something happened during the movies, and no our daughter is not usually like that.
Originally we had thought that we'd have a few minutes after the movie was over to stop next door and grab an ice cream cone on the way home, and our daughter was looking forward to ice cream. Unfortunately, we did not factor in over 20 minutes worth of previews (I thought they were included in the listed movie length, I was wrong, totally my fault.) So after the movie was over we realized what time is was, and had to tell her we couldn't go for ice cream because it was too late. She accepted it, but she was sad all the way home.
As soon as she started to cry he should have backed off. Maybe should have let her grandmother take the lead on this one instead of making it about him.
Also remind him that no one can"make" him angry; he chose to get angry of his own accord rather than keeping a cool head.
I don't entirely agree. We all know how to push the buttons of people we interact with a lot. One of my kids was a MASTER! I do think the DD should have answered her grandmother. I think it's OK to let her know it's disrespectful to simply ignore someone's question in a situation like this. (Emphasis so we don't get on some ridiculous hijack about kids not having to answer questions from a stranger on the street, etc.) Now I'm not one of the "perfect parents" here on CD. I made my share of mistakes in parenting two to adulthood. I can envision such a situation as this. And these situations escalate quickly; I've seen that too.
In this perfect world of perfect parents (and Grandma is a parent, too) we'd all just smile and say "she's tired" and let it go. But there are times when such behavior just gets your goat. DH probably carried it too far. I think grounding is a bit much, but I think the DD should apologize to her grandmother.
ETA: Started typing before I read about the ice cream. Doesn't change my answer much, though. The behavior is more understandable though.
The punishment was mild and I believe your husband was right to have your daughter simply give a verbal answer to her grandmother. Responding to whether a movie was liked or not should be within the realm of an 8-year-old to cope with. It was her dismissive attitude that elevated the situation in my view. Was there a prior issue with grandma that had festered and somehow made this incident more than what it should have been? Just think of the joys ahead when the teenage years come roaring in.
The only prior issue with grandma in particular is that grandma is very chatty. She likes to sit around and talk, chit chat. My daughter is, on the other hand, not very chatty. Not a small talk kind of person. She always *obeys* grandma when grandma asks her to do something, but she doesn't always like to sit around and chat with her, and will often give a one word answer and go do something else by herself and kind of leave grandma hanging when grandma wants to be social. It's an extrovert/introvert dynamic.
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