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I think that you were taken advantage of when you were barely an adult yourself, and by your own mother. She put your sister's baby on your doorstep when you weren't ready to raise a child. You had to give up college. She manipulated you and took financial resources that should have gone towards your niece's support like the tax credit and child support. You should be commended for having given up 12 years of your life to provide your niece as stable of a home as you could when you were barely 18. I think at this point, it's your mother's turn to step in, especially since she's pocketing the tax credit and child support anyway, and since your niece is struggling.
I would also take a breather and think about what you're going to do if/when these people attempt to take advantage of you again. Chances are 6 months, a year from now, they're going to come asking for money, or asking for a place to stay. You need to have an answer you've worked through and made peace with so you don't agree to something you aren't happy with.
Suggestion: find a therapist who deals with narcissistic abuse. It sounds like this is what your mother put you through--which included fraud. She falsified her tax returns and took child support for a child she wasn't caring for. I say this constructively: you need to learn appropriate ways of standing up for yourself. Doesn't sound like the current therapist is doing that.
I have no doubt your mother put you through the wringer. At the same time, your niece needs a guardian with a backbone, not just a cheerleader, not just a roomie who politely asks her to pick up around the house, not a doormat who accepts insults from a kid. Maybe such parenting would have worked with raising you, but your niece is cut from different cloth. She's a handful and she's only going to get worse if things keep going as they are. I don't know whether things can be turned around at this late date, but you need to try.
Again--I'm not saying anything to try to make you feel bad, it's that I've seen this play out. My mother had a martyr syndrome this big. She raised three juvenile delinquents who all had teenage pregnancies. She died complaining about what a miserable life she had. Feeling like you're at the mercy of everyone else around you will make you miserable.
Thanks for your suggestions, I’m working on finding a therapist. But however, this is the thing I’m not going to write a book. So it’s so easy for people to assume. You’re assuming I’m soft on her, I’m not. I can be very stern. I’m not trying to be a friend but a parent to her- I tell her this all the time. But I’m not going to be having a war in my own home. Please stop assuming and go with details given.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
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OP, you did the right thing. This is a child completely out of control, and in need of therapy.
It's somewhat likely she'll end up in foster care - your mother may not be willing or prepared to parent her, and if her behavior pattern continues she'll catch the eye of social services.
I wouldn't dismiss the idea that she remembers her babyhood, though. Children in foster care who are removed about that time often have vivid memories of abuse and neglect. OR they're angry and don't quite know why, which would apply to your niece.
It's time for you to move on. I hope you have a positive and fulfilling relationship with your father's family.
The little 13 year old girl senses your resentment and it pervades the atmosphere in your home. It is subconscious and can lead to acting out. You have unsaid and underlying unwillingness to nuture. After all you are a product of a dysfunctional family and will be emoting in a way that was modelled to you.
Don't make it a power struggle between you two. It is clear she will compete head to head with you on that front. After all she is a young child and doesn't have the benefit of life experience nor a fully developed brain.
There is nothing stopping you from meeting a psychologist on your own. There are two people in the problem.If the "offender" will not go that should not stop you from getting help with how to deal with your situation and learn some new things about your own self you can change that woll help both of you.
I think that you were taken advantage of when you were barely an adult yourself, and by your own mother. She put your sister's baby on your doorstep when you weren't ready to raise a child. You had to give up college. She manipulated you and took financial resources that should have gone towards your niece's support like the tax credit and child support. You should be commended for having given up 12 years of your life to provide your niece as stable of a home as you could when you were barely 18. I think at this point, it's your mother's turn to step in, especially since she's pocketing the tax credit and child support anyway, and since your niece is struggling.
I would also take a breather and think about what you're going to do if/when these people attempt to take advantage of you again. Chances are 6 months, a year from now, they're going to come asking for money, or asking for a place to stay. You need to have an answer you've worked through and made peace with so you don't agree to something you aren't happy with.
Thanks, you get it. You described it to a T. I don’t want pity as people think on this site. I don’t like to be victim. But when a child is involved. It’s never easy. I’m reflecting now and it’s hard and I wonder if my family ever loved me and I think of how different my life would be. But I can only focus on now. But somehow I feel bad, guilty and a loser for giving her up. But I have to mend myself. Thanks so much.
Am I understanding that your mom is collecting child support from the tax payers while you raised her? That is so illegal and she needs to be reported to your local welfare office. That money belongs to the child and follows her, not who ever is making the claims.
You have your own life to live, stop letting people put their monkey on your back.
The little 13 year old girl senses your resentment and it pervades the atmosphere in your home. It is subconscious and can lead to acting out. You have unsaid and underlying unwillingness to nuture. After all you are a product of a dysfunctional family and will be emoting in a way that was modelled to you.
Don't make it a power struggle between you two. It is clear she will compete head to head with you on that front. After all she is a young child and doesn't have the benefit of life experience nor a fully developed brain.
There is nothing stopping you from meeting a psychologist on your own. There are two people in the problem.If the "offender" will not go that should not stop you from getting help with how to deal with your situation and learn some new things about your own self you can change that woll help both of you.
Yes, maybe she do. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. That’s why I took a different path and tried to raise her different and give her the love and affection she needs. But still it wasn’t enough.
Am I understanding that your mom is collecting child support from the tax payers while you raised her? That is so illegal and she needs to be reported to your local welfare office. That money belongs to the child and follows her, not who ever is making the claims.
You have your own life to live, stop letting people put their monkey on your back.
Yes, my mom and my niece mom is very close so they would take turns claiming her. When I’d do my taxes, it would come back she was already filed for.
OP, you did the right thing. This is a child completely out of control, and in need of therapy.
It's somewhat likely she'll end up in foster care - your mother may not be willing or prepared to parent her, and if her behavior pattern continues she'll catch the eye of social services.
I wouldn't dismiss the idea that she remembers her babyhood, though. Children in foster care who are removed about that time often have vivid memories of abuse and neglect. OR they're angry and don't quite know why, which would apply to your niece.
It's time for you to move on. I hope you have a positive and fulfilling relationship with your father's family.
Blessings -
Smile. Thanks, I often asked her and she says no. She is just so easily influenced. I know deep inside I need to move on but I can’t move pass the guilt.
My story is a little complex. Right now I honestly I don’t know what to do.
At 18, while getting ready for college. My mom dropped my niece is was barely one off and left. I was living with my father. I had to put my college plans on hold to raise her. I worked 3 jobs. My mom still claimed benefits for this child and as tax credits. My mom got married and decided she didn’t want kids, but took her from my sister who already has 7 other kids.
As years went by I cried, struggled and struggled. I was finally able to graduate college at 27 and brought us a huge home for the two of us. Since my niece was young she always had behavioral issues.
So did her mom and siblings.
Fast forward- things continue to get worse. I was called everyday by the school of her being in fights or instigating. Acting as if she was in gangs. I continued to talk to her and spend more time. Changing jobs to accommodate.
A few months ago, the cops and school called because she was communicating threats to teachers online. She punched my dads cabinet ( wood) breaking it.
By this time. She basically said she’s not going to therapy and I couldn’t make her. My mother found her dad a few years ago. But keep this from me. He sends my mom child support that she uses solely on her and her husband. Has been going on for years.
Anytime I give my niece rules or ask her to clean up its attitudes and rolling of eyes. Last night I asked her to clean her room- have asked politely for three weeks now. She rolled her eyes. I asked was it a problem and she began cursing and calling names, saying I was a dumb b word for taking her in. She wished I died and every name you could think of. She physically fought me for the first time. And went into detail about everything she hated about me. That I’m making her go to school and it’s not for her and if she gets pregnant she’ll just get an abortion. She’s about to be 13 next month.
All while keeping her, it’s just been work work work and her and her and her. I haven’t had a life she is my life.
I’ve missed out and gave up on so much. Including marriage and kids. I was the first in my family out of 8 kids to graduate to show her the way and lead by example.
I’m just tired, I feel used and betrayed. I invested so much into this kid. I gave her to my mom and I’m full of emotions. I haven’t ate yet. Just sleep and sleep. I talk to my therapist but he insist on me keeping her and she’s the victim but yet I still feel robbed.
I have no one else to talk to. I worry for her, I pray for her but I’m mentally tired. Any advice?
Not quite 13 yet? Oh boy. I've got a strategy for you, but unfortunately "Tallysmom" would snip it and say it's rude, even if it's what you need to hear. So, I'll leave it with this...good luck.
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