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Yes, I am looking for advice for a tricky situation.
My girlfriend and I are very much in love and have now lived together going on 2 yrs. We are always in heaven when the kids are with their other parents - and often when we have all of the kids. We plan to be together the rest of our days.
She has one child - a son and I have 3 - girl, boy, girl.
Before I begin, my kids are far from perfect - each with their own issues. However, I have been pretty strict with them, so they usually won't do the things I will be describing soon. They have their times, which I deal with when they happen.
This is mainly about my girlfriends son - we'll call him Arnold. Yes, like the terminator. He likes Arnold.
Arnold is 12 - a year younger than my daughter and a year older than my son. He usually gets along with them pretty well. His school grades are pretty good. Other people say he is such a nice and kind boy.
He is very smart and usually succeeds when it comes to figuring things out. He is very big for his age and strong too. He can do anything he sets his mind to.
That is - when he absolutely has to.
Like anyone, he has his strengths, but it is the weaknesses we need help with.
Arnold is very lazy - in that he simply refuses to do anything for himself most of the time. He'll be playing a video game or watching TV and ask someone else to go get him a drink. If he is told to go get his own, he'll just wait till he see's someone in the kitchen, then ask again.
Arnold won't sleep in his own bed, he instead sleeps on the couch. Everynight, his mom puts blankets and pillows on the couch for him and then folds and puts them away the next morning. When he is asked to do it, he won't.
Arnold won't get his own clothes. He goes into the shower without them, then expects to see them on the floor outside the bathroom when he's done. If he doesn't like what was picked, he calls out to his mother to go get him another - usually without a please.
Arnold won't do any chores. He is asked to let the dogs out when he gets home from school, so they can do their duty. He often forgets or tells him mom that isn't going to do it when she asks him to on the phone. Last weekend, I offered my son and Arnold the chance to mow the grass for $. Arnold wanted more money for his part and argued about it and when it came to it, he said he didn't want to do it anymore.
Arnold is disrespectful. He cusses at his mother, talks back, yells at her and will always blame someone else for literally everything. He takes no blame or says 'Oops, my fault.' I know he knows what he is doing because once in a while, he will admit to fault well AFTER the fight and knows the details of the truth. He sometimes does say sorry afterwards, but it is becoming common.
I get my kids every other weekend. Arnold usually complains now that they're coming and at times says some pretty hurtful things, but once they come, he plays with them and has a good time.
Arnold is disobedient. His mother has to repeat herself more than 98% of the time, often up to 10 times before he decides to comply. By then, she is yelling, mad and upset. We usually have to wait for him when we are going somewhere. Sometimes he'll flat out tell his mother 'NO!' While she tries to enforce it, she sometimes fails.
A few months ago, Arnold said he wanted to go back to Coney Island amusement park. So we arranged for it to happen, with my kids too. On the morning of our departure, he all of a sudden says he doesn't want to go. We all said that he IS going, and a fight grew larger and larger, until it took his mom handing out an old fashioned spanking with tears and a heavy cloud of dark emotions. The day was not a very good day after that as he brought more arguements with him throughout the first half of the day. He began having fun after there was no hope of a smile from his mother and I.
I have asked my girlfriend to stop doing everything for him, but she can't - She is torn. He already likes being at his dads more because when he is at dads house, he is king and can do whatever he likes. His step-brother there simply screams when he doesn't get his way and then he does. So my girlfriend doesn't want to loose him anymore. She wants to get him to be respectful and responsible - at least somewhat - but he resists every attempt.
She is at her wits end - she loves him so much, yet she is so tired of dealing with his behavior on an almost daily basis. She tries SO hard and she is let down around every bend.
When Arnold is good, he is really good. He is loving to his mother, will even help her out a little and can have an intelligent conversation. It's just that those times are closer to once a month now instead of a couple times a week. He is smart and can be very manipulative. He wants to be a cop like his father too, but I don't think Arnold is ready for that type of metality. Cops have a bad name today because of the few bad apples that didn't have the strength in the right places to be in a position of authority.
In short, he talks like a man with a foul mouth, demanding control, but depends on his mom for everything. I have asked him why he refuses and fights about doing things for himself and he has honestly told me that it is because it is easier to let someone do it. When asked if it is worth the fight, he shrugged his shoulders and mumbled "I don't know".
I love her and I love her son. I want to see them both happy. He has so much potential - he is smart, good looking and remembers everything he's taught.
So I ask, not only for advice, but also how to present it so my girlfriend and her son know that I do this in love?
I highly suggest you both get and read the books about 'Love and Logic'. It is a very matter of fact approach for loving but natural consequences that take away all the stress from the adults involved. I haven't read the actual books, but instead had a couple of classes from my 4th graders school a couple of years ago and saw the PBS special about it as well.
One of the scenarios that came to mind while reading your post was when he said it's just easier to let someone else do it....next time he says something like that....decide he is right and neither you nor his mother do anything for the rest of the day.
Hungry? I'm sorry, it's easier to let someone else do it so I'm not cooking.
Need clean clothes? I'm sorry, it's easier to let someone else do it so I'm not doing laundry.
Want to sleep on the couch? I'm sorry, it's easier to let someone else do it, so I'm not getting it ready or putting it up.
That becomes your automatic response for as long as it takes for him to understand that everyone has to do their part. "I'm sorry, it's easier to let someone else do it, so...."
No emotion involved as you completely agree with him, and it's certainly easier on you all....hehe
Anyway, check it out on their website and then the books. I think it might be perfect for this situation.
Your GF isn't helping by giving in to him, cause it sends mixed signals, but mainly says that "if you behave bad enough, long enough, eventually you'll get what you want". So unless your GF wants him to always think that way & act that way, she needs to grow a pair & not be so gullible. (trust me, my mom is also easily manipulated like your GF sounds [I only say that, because she is yielding to his demands] & I did that to her for YEARS)
If you compare your kids with him, it probably makes it worse, so don't do that. Also, your kids don't live with you & you only get them every other weekend, so he is probably a bit territorial when they do come over & that's why he says hurtful things, because as far as he's concerned, it's his stomping ground & they're invading his space. Make sure you treat him the same that you treat them & you have to realize that by marrying your GF, you get him, too... So quickly erase that "when the kids aren't around, we're in heaven" mentality you have, because her kid is never going away & neither are yours. It's a package deal for both of you.
Also don't threaten to get rid of him, no matter how mad you or your GF get. From your post, you said things like "he likes it better with his dad" & "we are in heaven when the kids aren't around" & etc.. Well, sending him to live with his dad obviously wouldn't help anything. Telling him or threatening him with getting rid of him will just reaffirm what he thinks & make him have self esteem issues. My parents used to say they'd give me up to the state if I didn't behave. That always hurt me & I always resented them for that. I finally got fed up with it & when they used that threat, I just called my grandparents & embarrassed the crap out of my parents & got them chewed out by their own parents. Kids these days are also taught to call the cops on their parents for every little thing, so be real careful what you say to him, otherwise he could end up in state custody or at his dad's, which wouldn't help matters any.
I would also suggest looking into some therapy for him or for you, your GF & him (to help with blending your families, as well as how to deal with his behavior & such).
I would also suggest limiting his time on video games, making him be more active (make him walk the dogs or do some kind of volunteer work- if he doesn't do that, he doesn't get any video games at all). Don't reward his bad behavior by giving in. Don't use your own children as leverage or threats, cause that'll make him resent them.
And those books that hypocore suggested sound like they'd really help, too!
She needs to be consistent for anything to work. Here's a teacher technique that works well with my kids. Calmly, quietly repeat what you want him to do (for example, "Please pick up your pillow and blanket off the couch"). Every time he argues or refuses, calmly repeat the phrase. Don't yell, don't give in. The first time, you may have to say it 10 or 15 times, but if you never change the words or the tone, kids usually give up and follow orders. If you're both consistent every single time, you eventually won't have to say it more than once. It's only going to get worse if you two don't get a handle on it. I teach high school students and often see students treat their parents with disrespect. She needs to gain control now, or she'll never get it.
I guess, I am the lone dissenter here. I have never had children and was raised "PRE Dr. Spock" Mt only frame of referance was the way I was raised and apparantely that worked....
8 years ago my wife and I inherited her 5 yr old g'daughter to raise....that went....moderately well....then [a few years later]...we inherited her 11 yr old g'son....with d's and f's and a major atitude.
about 3 mos after he came to live with us, he was displaying his resentment at being chastized by his grandmother, by staring off into space and ignoring her.
I got up from the sofa, walked over to him and manually turned his head around to look me in the eye [I didn't know heads could move that far] and I said to him "You little MF [cause he knew the words already] when your grandmother speaks you will listen to her, look at her and acknowledge her, do I make myself perfectly clear? he said "yeh" I said WHAT? he said "Yes" I said WHAT? He said "Yes sir"
He gets A's & B's in high school, has a steady girlfriend, a fulltime job [already employee of the month] and his own car [I bought it he maintains it]
Good lord, the mom has to stop coddling the boy. If he wants a drink of water, he gets it. If he steps out of the shower and his clothes aren't there, he walks through the house naked and dripping wet. If he wants to sleep on the couch he gets his own bedding and he puts it away. If he doesn't do chores, he doesn't get any spending money. If he doesn't let the dog out, he doesn't get to watch TV until he does. And if the dog as an accident in the house, he cleans it up.
The boy is a boy because him mom isn't raising him to be a man.
Tell him to do something once...if he doesn't do it, start taking things away. The tv sounds like a good start. I once read that by the age of 4 a child should be able to do something once.
If he cusses at his mother again, put soap in his nasty mouth. I've done it to my kids and they have NEVER cussed at me. That is not tolerated.
At some point this boy has been given the signals that this behavior is ok because he continues to do it and his mother doesn't change her responses or punishments. Does she follow through with any of her punishments?
Take the cable plugs out of the house for a while. sitting around looking at an empty tv will get boring after a while.
Good luck. I feel terrible for you. My best friend has 2 children like this and every time I am with them I feel like swatting their rears. It drives me crazy.
I am going to show my husband this post. I have a 3yo who thinks ot is better to have things done for her. When she was 2 I had her eating by herself. When my mother-in-law came to visit she would constantly feed her so now she wants to be fed. My husband does it like his mother so I am constantly arguing with him over that. It has turn into a power struggle which I hate.
One day I decided that she was old enough to go to the bathroom by herself, lower her clothes, clean herself up and redress. She was not happy about that. She refused and one day sat in the bathroom for hours until she figure out she wasn't going to win. I wish all power struggles were that easy to win.
Now I have been trying to get her to say "please" for weeks. She just refuses. She went without cartoons a whole week then I realized I wanted her to watch them sometimes. I finally gave up and after coming back from vacation she got them back. Next I banned just her favorite cartoons. Useless. She actually stopped my husband from letting her watch those cartoons because she wasn't allowed until she said please. Now I take her to a toy stores and show her toys and tell her is she says please I will buy it. Nope she would just carry the toy around the store for a little bit and then puts it back.
There are something that are easier to change than others. The clothes bathroom are easy. The two of you head outside and start a power tool as soon as he goes in the shower so you don't hear him calling when his clothes are not there. Eventually he will come out of the bathroom all upset. Just have her play dumb like she just forgot he was in there. That way it will not be a power struggle but forgetful mom. Hope it helps.
Heads up to the original poster: A look into the future ~
Job Time: Mom, fill out my application, will ya?
Tax time: Mom, here's my w-2, go get my taxes done.
Bill Time: Mom, I need money to catch up on the bills.
You get the picture. I strongly urge you to take the advice of the other posters! You and gf, future wife, must get together on this, present a united front, just like in war. In a small way, it is one. You don't want your children resenting his ability to get away with everything. He will try to get them on his side to increase his chances of winning. Be ready.
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