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Seriously. When I grew up, we were not allowed to watch TV all day, had to go outside and play, do our homework, help out with the chores around the house, and generally devise our own entertainment.
Now, talking to the parents of other kids, it's like their children completely and utterly call the shots. Here are some of the conversations I've had in the past week.
1. "My 11-year-old wants a new mobile phone." Seriously. Given that an 11-year-old should never be anywhere where there isn't a supervising adult within eyeshot/earshot, what on earth does an 11-year-old need a mobile phone for? Maybe when he/she is fifteen. Definitely when he/she is sixteen. But eleven?
2. "I just clean the house myself. It's just a lot easier than making them do it." Seriously. Do you have the word "sucker" tattooed on your face? Kids are smart. And you mean to tell me that you really fell for that passive-aggressive "I don't know how the vacuum cleaner works/I don't know where all the clean dishes go" act?
Has it ever occurred to you that if your kid doesn't know how to load the dishwasher, put away clean dishes, vacuum a floor, make up a bed, clean a bathroom, and put away toys by the time he/she is eight or nine, then you are a failure as a parent? It doesn't matter that they don't do it as well as you do. It matters that they know how to do it. By taking the load on yourself, you're basically making yourself a servant to your child, and raising a helpless brat in the process. So when he/she goes off to college, they will be utterly helpless, and run back to the cocoon they know as home.
3. "I don't believe in forcing my kids to learn all those manners. It teaches them subservience." Seriously. Good manners isn't some arcane code of behavior designed to turn your child into an obedient robot. It's not about knowing the difference between a fish fork and a salad fork. It's about knowing how to be conscientious to the needs of others. Such as not eating before everybody is seated. Or offering your seat on a bus to an elderly person. Because the main point of manners is that It's Not All About You. And the sooner your kids learn that, the more well adjusted they'll be.
4. "I wish my kid weren't such a smart-ass all the time." Seriously. Guess what? The world wishes your kid wasn't a smart-ass all the time. That includes his future professors, his future bosses, his future clients, his future spouse, his future friends, and his future colleagues. Silence implies consent. So, basically, when you allow your kids to talk to each other and adults like the raging brats on Disney Channel or Nickelodeon, what you're really doing is encouraging your child to grow up into a socially retarded adult, an almost sure-fire failure at whatever he tries to do--until he finally learns that people deserve respect, not the ersatz scorn that screenwriters term 'dialog' in every episode of The Sweet Life of Zack and Cody. A son's friend smarted off to me in the car when I was taking him to the pool. I simply turned around and dropped him back off at his parent's. Evidently, they allow their brat to talk to them in anyway he sees fit. It's a good idea in theory, but a terrible one in actual practice.
What's more, egalitarianism is a great idea in the voting booth, but it's a really crappy idea in just about every other institution known to man. Learning the simple phrases "Yes, Sir," "No, Sir," "Yes, Ma'am," "No, Ma'am," "Please," "Thank You," "You're Welcome," and "Excuse Me" doesn't make you a butt kisser. What it means is that you respect their age, experience, and rank, and are willing to listen to them. It means that they don't have to explain every single request down to the last comma. It means that your child is willing to join the human race, as opposed to just being in it for himself.
I think in all those examples you mentioned it is certainly not the norm. While there are some like that, it just don't think it is as common as some people seem to think or want people to think. Most people I know raise their kids with as good of manners as people did 30 years ago and while the age that they are getting cell phones has certainly gotten lower (and I don't blame them, my son will be getting one when he is about 12 too - not because he wants one though but so that I can keep track of him), I don't know anyone who has given their 11 or younger kids a phone. Although I couldn't say I blame them.
My big question is why do people stress about how other people raise their kids. Who cares if someone else buys their 11 year old a cell phone? Who cares if someone else doesn't make their kids do chores? Who cares if someone elses kids has bad manners if mine don't? I mean really, if the kids aren't harming anyone else with their cell phone, their bad manners, or their messy room, why worry about it?
I think in all those examples you mentioned it is certainly not the norm. While there are some like that, it just don't think it is as common as some people seem to think or want people to think. Most people I know raise their kids with as good of manners as people did 30 years ago and while the age that they are getting cell phones has certainly gotten lower (and I don't blame them, my son will be getting one when he is about 12 too - not because he wants one though but so that I can keep track of him), I don't know anyone who has given their 11 or younger kids a phone. Although I couldn't say I blame them.
My big question is why do people stress about how other people raise their kids. Who cares if someone else buys their 11 year old a cell phone? Who cares if someone else doesn't make their kids do chores? Who cares if someone elses kids has bad manners if mine don't? I mean really, if the kids aren't harming anyone else with their cell phone, their bad manners, or their messy room, why worry about it?
Others ARE impacted by this entitlement attitude and I see it all around me, continually. I hear other parents sincerely asking the same types of things the OP mentioned. My own family has members in it who can't seem to get it that all they have to do is tell their kids NO!!!!!
When kids are raised to think the universe revolves around them . . . they are brats at school, make lousy employees and will doubtless be terrible spouses later on. So it really does have longterm effects that reach out much beyond the immediate family.
That is not just my opinion (altho I do agree) - that is what psychologists are saying.
My big question is why do people stress about how other people raise their kids. Who cares if someone else buys their 11 year old a cell phone? Who cares if someone else doesn't make their kids do chores? Who cares if someone elses kids has bad manners if mine don't? I mean really, if the kids aren't harming anyone else with their cell phone, their bad manners, or their messy room, why worry about it?
Do you have kids? Here's why.
Because when you're trying to raise your own kids, the lazy parenting of others affects how your kids see the world. Suddenly, when ten kids in my youngest son's class have mobile phones, my son thinks he should be entitled to one, too. When my son spends a week at camp with his rude-ass friend, he picks up all the bad habits and thinks this is how normal kids talk. If other kids spend their lives in entitled little bubble without having to do their chores, suddenly your kids think that you're a terrible parent to force them to do work. That's why.
Dr. Jeffery Bruns, PhD
Psychologist, Lecturer, and Author
Certified Educational and Behavioral Therapist
During my time as a behavior therapist, I identified four characteristics of children who grew to become successful adults. The children (1) looked at learning as a process, (2) they were goal oriented, (3) they were focused, and most importantly, (4) they learned to earn privileges rather than expect privileges. The concept of learning to earn privileges is best taught during the critical stages of learning, ages seven through sixteen. In this stage of learning, children must become able to do some things well such as: read, write, calculate, and perform household chores. These are normal life skills. Yet, in our society where the individual is often catered to, the positive ethic of contribution is not always learned. The negative ethic of instant gratification and entitlement are becoming more the norm. It is through a child’s contribution to home, to school, and to a social group, that children gain a positive sense of self. Giving into instant gratification and allowing an entitlement attitude can damage a child’s self esteem.
Because when you're trying to raise your own kids, the lazy parenting of others affects how your kids see the world. Suddenly, when ten kids in my youngest son's class have mobile phones, my son thinks he should be entitled to one, too. When my son spends a week at camp with his rude-ass friend, he picks up all the bad habits and thinks this is how normal kids talk. If other kids spend their lives in entitled little bubble without having to do their chores, suddenly your kids think that you're a terrible parent to force them to do work. That's why.
EXACTLY!
I saw this ALL the time when I was teaching junior high. Believe me, it's a snowball effect. It's tough to see a mom in tears b/c she cannot buy her 13 yr old daughter a $125 pair of jeans or a dad besides himself b/c he does not feel baseball camp, soccer camp, football camp, science camp, and whatever other camp every child but their's is attending this summer is a little much. Have had many a convo with all sorts of parents with all different beliefs.
Do ALL children get influenced by their peers. Of course not. Do many. Yep.
I mean, all parents want to make sure their children live a happy, content & fun childhood. It's not necessarily enjoyable parenting to constantly having to say "no". At times, though, it has to be said.
Parents need to establish a happy medium. I think this is a constant thing though & sometimes your children are going to be upset. Oh well. Life goes on.
Sure, I remember not having Atari or cable when I was teenager (I swear everyone had Atari but us). Wasn't happy about it. Am I scarred as an adult b/c of it? No.
What I am finding out is I am tweeking methods my parents used to raise my own children.
I had a paper route & was babysitting at 12. Waitressing at 16 through grad school. Taught and was in the military. Two years ago was the first time I have not been employed since I was 12 b/c I am now a SAHM. I have always been able to fend for myself. I have lived without in order to make it. I am ok not having the top line of anything in order to pay a mortgage & start saving $$ for our children's schooling. I believe this was taught to me by my parents who did not give us everything we wanted & had us working at an early age & instilled the value of education & family in us from day 1. (Not hard core labor, but a few hours every week when we were children). My dh & I are on the same page & raising our children along the same lines.
Do we buy our children treats or surprises every so often. Sure do. But it's just that...a treat or surprise & it will stay that way. My son can be as pissed as he wants to be at me b/c he can't have a cell phone & he's 8...too bad. It ridiculous what children are literally just given these days. It instills nothing but instant gratication.
Oh, and if I see another young child riding THEIR BIKE and talking on a cell phone I seriously may lose it. How dangerous.
Last edited by 121804; 06-29-2008 at 12:39 PM..
Reason: add
I read something recently - dang I wish I could remember what it is - that said the problems started when teens went from being producers/contributors for the family to being consumers.
From my own experience it's from parents believing that their children's only responsibility is doing well in school and being involved in numerous activities - ya know, building an impressive Kid Resume for college. Period. Nothing else. Parents base so much of their own self worth on how successful their children are as children and so the home is child-centered, child-focused. The focus is on their kids' outward success only.
I raise my kids to be respectful and to EARN things they want. They have chores and responsibilities. A LOT of their 9 & 11 year old friends have cell phones, WII, PSP, IPods, laptops, ect.....
It is hard sometimes to explain why they don't also have these items. It isn't that we cannot afford these things, it's because we don't feel the kids need them.
Too often you see the kids ruling the household. The parents catering to the kids every whim, or buying them everything they want, even when the kids are disrespectful and rude. Have you seen the bratty little girls at the mall with their t-shirts reading "It's all about ME!". I tell my kids all the time: "It isn't all about you all the time." I have no problem having a good time and spoiling them on occasion, but only when they are behaving and deserve it!
I read something recently - dang I wish I could remember what it is - that said the problems started when teens went from being producers/contributors for the family to being consumers.
From my own experience it's from parents believing that their children's only responsibility is doing well in school and being involved in numerous activities - ya know, building an impressive Kid Resume for college. Period. Nothing else. Parents base so much of their own self worth on how successful their children are as children and so the home is child-centered, child-focused. The focus is on their kids' outward success only.
Check out the book "The Price of Privilege" by Madeline Levine. She talks about the culture of the wealthy and how it is raising disconnected and unhappy kids who have very few important life skills. And your point is something she discusses in detail.
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