anger management for 7 year old (ADHD, method, teenage, losing control)

[anadyr21]

My 7 year old son gets very angry and frustrated when he loses a game or is having trouble doing something. He either pouts or yells, or does something else equally as distracting or attention grabbing. This has become a problem in school. We knew this was an issue in the past and have tried out best to explain to him that this behavior is inappropriate, and have suggested other ways to express his anger. Since school has started, we've been pleased to hear that he is on "green", signifying that he didn't get in trouble. Well, last week, he got upset and threw a chair! It wasn't at anyone, and I don't know to what extent he threw it, but this is clearly getting out of control. Today, we got a phone call that he's been having anger issues for a few weeks and the teacher wants to have a conference. Other than the chair incident, I'm upset that I'm just now hearing that his anger issues are problematic in class. We have never heard from any teachers that he's a bad or problem child, just that he doesn't control his anger and will act out. We thought things had gotten better. We don't have any home/family issues. His father and I don't fight, we're not abusive or mean toward him or each other, but we are quite firm, maybe too much so at times. We haven't had any recent death or illness in the family, and we moved to our city about a year ago. I'm open to any suggestions or criticisms.

[gentlearts]

It sounds as if you are doing everything right. It seems as though you are being firm with him and his behavior...it's important that his bad behavior has consequences. Hopefully, at his young age he just hasn't learned how to channel his emotions appropriately.
Maybe a few sessions with a child psychologist would help you all get some tools to handle this? (Assuming you can get a good one who knows what they're doing..I'd get a referral from a children's hospital or major medical center.)

[vergla]

i went through almost there situration with our daughtler last year too. starting the first few weeks i called her teacher asked how her behavier has been the teacher said she been fine then when they had school confernce i asked her other teacher how has her behavier been she came out and told me that the kinagarden teacher dosent know what to do with her she dosent mind dosent listen refuses to join in anything in her class . i was mas because i had asked this teacher that qaustion so many weeks a head of time so i told i want to know if theres issues because i am very worried about her behavier i also told her if i dont know what going on during school then i cant do nothing about it i also told her but if you would tell me i can do something about it like write me a note letting me know or if its real bad call me because what i will do is put her time out then explan to her that her behavier is inaproprate i also told the teacher if we dont communcate it wont work she will thank she can get away with it .after that her teaher would send notes home to me letting me know if she misbehave and i would read the note out loud to her then i would put her time out for just a few minutes then after time out i would explan to her that she isnt going to get away with anymore because her teacher will let me know whats going on and when you come from school you will go to time out .so every time she would act her teacher would send me a note home and i would put her in timeout so after awhile she stopped doing it so much.so this year before school i called her teacher explan to her teacher about my daughtler behavier and so i told her i want to know is going on please dont shut me out i am very concern about her write me a note let me know. i am sorry this is so long though .i went on a web sight because i got to wounder if behavier is due to something else so i went to web me looked under ADHD and sure enough she has all the signs of ADHD so right now she has been to a doctor she had us sign a questnaire on what she was doing she also had a blood test done and we gave the questenare to her teachers to do then we sent the questionnaire to her docotr now were just waiting to hear from her doctor. so what i am suggesting is tell your doctor about what is going on with your son behavier problems dont nessesary mean you had anything to do with it it could be some kind of condition.

[monkeygorilla]

Originally Posted by anadyr21

We knew this was an issue in the past and have tried out best to explain to him that this behavior is inappropriate, and have suggested other ways to express his anger.

Curious as a future parent...how do you explain that his behavior is inappropriate? What other ways of expressing anger do you suggest to him?

Like I said, I'm not a parent yet, but when I have cared for young children & they throw things what works is when I say very firmly something like "Chairs are not for throwing. If you are feeling angry, you can go outside & throw this ball" (obviously, this wouldn't work in a school setting, but it sounds like he has this problem at home too). This method was suggested to me by another parent & it works like a charm!

The language in your post doesn't seem firm...maybe I'm reading into things too much and you are much more firm with your son than your post implies.

[vergla]

monkeygorilla , young childern have more problems with expessing their anger but this is a seven year .as younger childern get older they can express their anger more better and if a child is 6 or 7 have anger issues then there is something more of a problematic as i said in my post childern can have a condition that can cause problem with behavior .

[anadyr21]

Originally Posted by monkeygorilla

Curious as a future parent...how do you explain that his behavior is inappropriate? What other ways of expressing anger do you suggest to him?

Like I said, I'm not a parent yet, but when I have cared for young children & they throw things what works is when I say very firmly something like "Chairs are not for throwing. If you are feeling angry, you can go outside & throw this ball" (obviously, this wouldn't work in a school setting, but it sounds like he has this problem at home too). This method was suggested to me by another parent & it works like a charm!

The language in your post doesn't seem firm...maybe I'm reading into things too much and you are much more firm with your son than your post implies.

We've suggested taking a deep breath and counting to 10, explained that he can damage property which HE will be paying for, we've removed his TV, going outside to play, and toy priviledges, we've admonished him verbally, (my husband is 6'5, 300+ pounds and can be very intimidating when he wants to be), done away with treats, and resorted to spanking until we saw that doesn't work either. We've told him he can grumble or make some type of quiet verbal way of expressing anger, like saying, "rats", or something else equally lame, but at least appropriate. We've explained to him that feeling anger is ok, but you cannot be disruptive, especially in class. The chair thing only happened once. It's usually balling up and throwing his assignment if he's having trouble with it, throwing his LEGO when he can't figure out where a piece goes, or throwing a controller on the floor when he loses a game. He never throws things at people; it's always on the ground in frustration.

I'm not sure how telling him to throw something else is going to be beneficial, but if I'm missing something, I'm all ears.

I'm not sure how the language in my post doesn't seem firm. What do you mean?

[bande1102]

I have three sons (9, 12, 14) and have found the best way to deal with the anger issue is to 1) identify the situations that lead to it and try to avoid this situations and 2) have the boys read their own moods and find a way to stop themselves before they completely lose it.

For example, one of my sons loses it if he's gone too long without food or is tired. So I do what I can to avoid those situations. And I tell him, look you get really grouchy when you're hungry, so have a little snack when you get home from school. I try to make him aware of what's going on, too, so he can work with me to figure it out.

The other thing I do is watch my son for signs he's losing his temper. Like one of my son's starts blushing--I stop him and say something like, ok, you need to take a deep breath. Your faces is turning pink and that usually means you're getting angry. Do you feel it? What's going on? I tell him it's ok to get mad, but its a whole lot better to fix the situation or even confront the other person (with words) than lose control because the losing control thing isn't going to work and will eventually get him in trouble. Then I congratulate him for taking control of the situation and working it out before he crossed the anger line. The key is to try to stop him/distract him before he gets to the point of throwing things, etc.

I have no idea if this will work or not and my only qualification is that I'm mom to three boys so take what you will and good luck.

[monkeygorilla]

Originally Posted by anadyr21

I'm not sure how the language in my post doesn't seem firm. What do you mean?

"Suggested" and "tried our best to explain"...I apologize in advance if I was reading too much into the language you chose!!

[zebrashoes]

Maybe he is having trouble with another kid at school. I remember when I was in elem. school and i had a problem with another student, I never said anything to my parents or teacher. I was too embaressed to talk about it. I did act out though. I was not happy at all. I mean at that age they are spending the same amount of time at school as they are at home. If home life is pretty normal than maybe it is school where he is having issues. From my experience I brought my school issues home with me. Eventually I outgrew it. School might not be the problem with him, but it is just a suggestion. Maybe some time when he is in a really good mood or atleast not angry sit down and talk to him and ask questions about the other kids at school, just to make sure you have exahusted all your options before taking things further. Good Luck and I hope your little man will outgrow whatever problems he might be dealing with.

[Dawnrap]

I understand and sympathize with what you are going through. My son is about the same age as your son(9 years old).I am in the same situation. At school he gets frustrated very easily. His behavior is unacceptable in school. He acts out his behavior with anger. He is a good boy (not a bully) and the school does agree with me on that. But I have to say I am well aware of what my son has. I had my evaluated by a child psychiatrist(and that's a discussion only you and your husband should decide to make and no one else). My son was diagnosised with mood disorder along with ODD(Oppositional dDefiant dDsorder also a form of ADHD)you can just look it up as I wrote it. Not saying your son has it but it might be worth looking into. My matto is what is the worst a Doctor could say("He is just a normal 9 year old there is nothing wrong with him").Believe me I had family saying I was crazy, but I am his mom, I live with it no one else understands what my husband and I go through. I am trying to nip it in the butt now before teenages years, where my biggest fear it will become out of control. Even though I get calls from my sons school on his behavior, the school has been great.They want to offer him the help they feel he needs. the school has offered to have him evualated to take the necessary steps for him to deal with his anger and to work closely with him and give attention and help he needs. He is very smart but lazy, well aware of whats around him, but feels like everyone is looking at him and he is being judged(low self-esteem).His response is very confrontational and diffensive with others. Hard to talk out what he feeling. I also recently put him in a small child anger mangement group with kids his age.He seems to like it, he doesn't feel like an outcast(my son is aware of his anger and admits he can't control it)This group meets up once a week. the group consists of 2 social workers along with only 6 kids. they all intertact with each other, engage in game playing, talking etc... these social workins watch and help these children learn methods on how to control their emotions which takes time. I hope this advice I've given you has been helpful! GOOD LUCK with your son! Keep me posted!