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My hubby has a 14 year old daughter. He and the mom were VERY young when she was born. They both made horrible mistakes, which my hubby admits to. We used to have visitation with the daughter on a regular basis. She's (or was?) a good kid. We would have so much fun with her! Of course there were no other kids in the pictures so our visits were very "fun". 2 years into our marriage, we had a daughter and took in a foster child, so obviously things changed a bit. We eased into more of a routine with everyone. The daughter was spending the whole week with us (first time ever) and she got sick. My hubby was at work so I called her mom to ask what kind and how much medicine to give her and gave her the option to pick the daughter up. I felt so bad knowing she was a sick little girl and probably wanted her mommy. (she was 5) Mom came and picked her up and all seemed ok. The following weekend when we called to make plans to pick her up, we were told she wasn't coming because we didn't know how to take care of her.
We tried every weekend for 6 months and finally got told that she wouldn't be visiting ever again. We went through the courts trying to make it right, but mom put her in couseling and the couselor deemed us detrimental to her mental well being and we haven't seen her since.
By law, we still pay the child support every month and provide medical and dental coverage for her. However the benefits have NEVER been used. Mom got re-married to a military guy and the daughter is covered as HIS dependent for medical.
Throughout the 9 years it's been since we've seen her, we have offered to pay for the step father to adopt her outright, but mom doesn't want that to happen. She straight said it was about the child support and what the daughter would be entitled too if my hubby dies.
Is it legal for the daughter to be a dependent to BOTH men?? Should we bother to question anything?? Our child support really is on the low side in terms of monthly support so we're scared to rock the boat too much.
It sounds horrid, I know, but we can't wait for this to be over. We don't even know where she lives anymore.
Your DH is legally obligated to pay the child support. You need to just write out the checks every month and not rock the boat. If your DH wants to have visitation w/ his daughter, then he needs to petition the court to set up a parenting plan. However, after this long, I don't know how receptive a judge would be to it.
What do you mean is it legal for her to be a "dependent" to both men?
Do you mean that your husband is claiming her as a dependent for tax purposes? Or do you mean dependent as far as being on both insurances?
She cannot be a dependent for tax purposes to more than one person, and if your dh doesn't pay that much support he shouldn't claim her (not saying you are doing this but if so, he shouldn't be).
As for the insurance, it is perfectly fine for her to be on two people's insurance, one will be primary and the other secondary.
There seems like there must be more to this story. I cannot see how a father loses all his visitation rights the way you say unless there was some major further drama during the 6 months you guys were trying to see her. It just seems odd.
I was going to say that I'd fight for the right to see her, but I would have probably fought for that right long ago.
It seems like you two have just cut her off........ If that is the case just keep paying till she's 18 and wait for a very hurt young woman to be finding you some day. I cannot imagine what the mother has been telling her all these years and how you accepted no contact.
btw, how does he pay the child support if you don't knwo where they live?
Most states require that you mail the check to a trustees office . . . and they process it and send it on to the other parent. So it is quite possible that the father has no idea where his daughter is now living.
The child support check is sent to child support enforcement every month. They then distribute it to the mom. Yes, we claim her on our taxes every other year, as stated in the parenting plan/child support agreement.... just as we provide the medical/dental coverage and pay the support because it's stated that we are supposed to do so. I'm not disputing his finiancial obligation to his daughter. We faithfully pay $450 every month. I know that is not on the high end in comparision to some.
Like I stated before: my hubby and her mom were terribly young and made horrible mistakes in terms of visits, understanding and communicating. No one disputes that it should have been handled differently.
Yes, there is more that happened, but it would take forever to explain it all. In my heart of hearts, I believe that mom really wanted to have a happy family with her new husband and has accomplished that, basically.
Please understand that we didn't just "accept no contact" with her. We fought the court system for months. Unfortunately money was a huge issue and we couldn't afford to continue with a lawyer. We sent cards and presents for holidays and birthdays through certified mail when we had a mailing address. They did get signed for, so she (or mom) was getting them. We continue to mail cards to her grandparents' home the same way.
We wait everyday, especially the older she gets, (our address and phone number have remained the same) for her to contact us to ask questions. I don't know what her mom is telling her and I don't know what she'll be asking when she comes knocking, but we do know that she is going to be hurt and angry. We will try our best to explain and show her that we do love her. It tears me up that she and my hubby have missed out on a great relationship. He is a wonderful daddy to our two kids, and I am sure that she is a good girl. I can just hope that her step dad has been everything she's needed.
My initial question was whether or not she could be covered on both insurances.
Yes, she can be covered on both insurances. You could petition the court to drop the insurance and stipulation re: medical expenses, if you can show the benefits have not been used. No telling what a judge would do . . .
The only thing that would make me nervous to do that is if she had some huge medical expense, which wasn't fully covered on 1st insurance, then the mother came looking to the dad's insurance to pay the remainder, and found out it wasn't active anymore.
So dropping her w/out a court order would be a risk, I suppose.
Is the insurance costing you much? I know my health insurance is the same amount if I have 2 kids or 8. They don't charge per kid, just for single, married, or family. Does your DH carry the insurance ONLY for her? (Like you have better insurance but he has to carry it for the daughter?)
I didn't mean to sound harsh, but my brother was very young when he had a kid too, and ended up with custody. My nephew is 15 now, and has a lot of problems with the situation between the mom and dad (didn't know where mom was for at least 8 years, her second child found my brother through myspace or something like that). Now the mother lives in a town nearby (no address) and her daughter wants to see my nephew, her half brother. It is a disaster of a situation and has been,well, since the beginning. There were so many wrong turns to begin to describe how the whole situation got f'd up would literally take days. But in the end, my nephew is paying the price.
If I can offer you one bit of advice, from the perspective of an aunt who has seen a child grow up not even knowing where his mother is, do try to find her if you can afford the risk of paying a little more in child support. At least get the court to agree that you need to have updates/phone calls, etc. My nephew, the poor kid, would have really benefited to have his mother in his life. It is just a tragedy. I feel very badly for your dh's daughter.
It is terrible when we make mistakes that affect our children the most. We seldom pay the highest price, as adults. And, fathers seem to get shafted more than mothers do. At least my brother was getting the raw end of the deal till he got custody of his son. (course he hasn't seen a nickel of child support for well over 10 years, at least your dh pays his child support)
Good luck in your situation. I hope you find some manageable solution.
Thank you very much. I know it's a horrible situation, but it is so confusing and heartbreaking. More for her, I'm sure.
You are right, I don't want to drop her off of the insurance for that exact reason and besides, it's his (our) job to provide it. No, it doesn't cost much extra to have her on there. And we would never dream about not paying for her child support.
Trust me, I do know that the kid is the number one victim here. I feel for your nephew. I can't imagine the pain.
We both have wanted to be a part of her life, but even when we were able to see her, mom wouldn't give us school updates, tell us when sports games were, conferences, open houses.... nothing. It was a battle just to get her on the weekends. There were many times when we had to threaten to call the cops to enforce the parenting plan..... and we were reasonable... if there was a sleepover or birthday party that she wanted to attend, we would swap weekends.
I think more than the insurance, you have all hit the nail on the head of the real issue. That little girl needs to know that her daddy loves her and wants her. She needs to know her little sister. We also have a son that she doesn't even know exists. We talk to her and show pictures to our kids because we don't want it to be a "surprise!! you have a big sister" sort of thing.
We have taken her to court mediation sessions where the parents try to resolve issues. She agrees (and even signs) the "new" agreement but then nothing comes of it. Short of getting an attorney, that we simply can't afford, I am out of ideas.
Like I said, we have sent cards and presents all by certified mail. We have documentation of every conversation had with mom, when we asked for her, when we got her, what we did, when she went home. We took a lot of pictures everytime we had her.
I even appealed to mom about even keeping in touch just for the girls (her daughter and my daughter are sisters after all). Even that was a no go.
We aren't giving up, but do you have any addional ideas?? Whether it be something to try or something we can give to her or say to her if and when she comes knocking? We have NO idea what mom is telling her about her dad, so who knows what sort of battle it will be later. No matter when she comes, we don't want to bad mouth mom, but lord knows we are going to have to defend dad.
I, too, would have to go on for days to fill it all in. I appreciate all of you and your advice.
I hope things work out for your nephew too. It's all not right.
Have you looked into resources that help dads? I don't know of any specifically, but there may be some out there. Or some legal aide people that could help.
Honestly, maybe Dad should write her letters once a month, and just put them away. When she shows up, he can give her the stack of letters. That way she would never doubt that he was thinking of her even when she wasn't there.
Have you tried 411 or using the computer to locate her? At that age, she may be online. My nephews half sister is only about 12 and she found my nephew/brother online. Maybe you can find her on myspace, or something.
You are between a rock and a hard place.
Honestly, if you are able to pay more child support should the courts order it, I would definitely try to get his rights to see her. There is something fundamentally wrong with a father not knowing where his daughter is if he is actually interested in knowing her. Because, no matter what, she is probably interested in knowing him, and she has a right to know him. He should at least know her physical location. Especially if he is paying child support. That is his child and he has the right to see her. Every child has the right to be loved by both their parents. The mother must be some kind of piece of work.
I don't know what happened in the past, but most courts allow most parents some visitation even if they aren't the fittest. I find it hard to believe a judge granted none at all. This I would make a priority to save for and file with the court. You can file "pre se" without a lawyer. Look at the website for your county and some will have the rules and forms. Don't let money stop your fight.
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