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My husband has been struggling to make a living here ever since we moved to Arizona from NY 3 1/2 years ago. We moved here for a business opportunity with my family and that turned out to be a disaster and the business is no longer. Since then, my husband has been trying to find work in the State as a pre sales engineer in technology and has been unsuccessful. He worked for a major company for a year after the business failed and then got laid off. Since then, we have been living off our savings and that is dwindling fast. His new brilliant idea was to open himself up to the New Yok market for work. Turns out the same company he left to come out to AZ is looking to rehire him with great pay and benefits. We discussed that this decision will be hard on the kids and he just doesn't want to hear anything about it. He feels nothing has been right financially since we got to AZ. The real issue here is, I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK TO NY!!!!! My entire family is here, we own a beautiful house, my children have friends, they are in school and I finally can say I have a life too here with friends. He is not suggesting we pack up and move, rather he wants to live and work in NY 5 days and will come home on weekends to see the family, so he says. We are used to having daddy home all day and now we will only see him late friday-late sunday. He will be staying with his parents while he works from home as a remote employee, they will pay for food and not charge him rent. Oh, and did I mention we have alot of credit card and home equity debt from him being out of work. He feels this is the only way out of our financial crisis. Am I being selfish by not wanting to move? Just wanting to know if this kind of move is going to hurt my children emotionally, they are already asking about daddy and that they miss him terribly. I feel for the kids more than me. Has anyone lived this situation and it worked out to be a positive one for all.
SOOO sorry this is long.
do i think you are being selfish? kind of
you have a husband who is doing his best to provide for your family. he tried it "your way" and it didnt work. now he has found something that will be better for you finacially, and you are worrying about your pretty house>?
follow your husband, because the kids need him----and i am sure you wouldnt want something so trivial as an object to get in the way of something that matters more---your family.
You know, in the history of mankind, people have moved their kids countless millions of times without any adverse psychological effect at all. It sounds to me like you're using them as an excuse to not want to move because you don't want to move. If you think a move is psychologically damaging to children, imagine what being homeless will do to them if their parents can't find work where they currently live.
If things aren't working out in Arizona, then they're not working out. You may have a beautiful house now but you probably won't have it for long if there is no gainful employment to be had there. Sorry you don't want to move back to New York, but in this job market, beggars can't be choosers. It sounds like you don't want to have to make any sacrifice at all. In times like this, that's just not practical.
Your house? Seriously, you're worried about your beautiful house? I think you're missing the bigger picture here. To hell with your precious house. People all over the country are losing their houses, and all you're facing is the prospect of a move where you'll have another house waiting for you.
Be thankful your husband has an offer anywhere. Others have been waiting months or years for one. And I can't imagine it's good for a marriage to be apart 5 days a week.
honestly i would make the move back to NY, in these times of financial crisis its a good thing he has found a job that is going to pay him very well, and its best to move when the children are young, not later on... believe me, i was a navy kid, moved all over the place against my will... but it was easier to adjust when i was younger, when i was going to 8th grade i moved again here to PA, and things were horrible for me here, the "new kid syndrome" of bullying lasted for 4 years, it didnt stop till about the time of my senior year, and i still didnt fit in with most people (granted that was for the best, the teachers called us the class from hell for good reason, 4 of my classmates are already in jail that i know of, one of them before we even graduated for i believe the charge against him was some sort of manslaughter cuz a firework he shot off burned some guy's house down and the person died in the hospital, but thats another story) and it would have been nice to have been at least accepted as a normal person instead of being voted most likely to shoot up the school because of how much i was picked on, and then in comparison when i was forced into a new school in elementary school it was easier to adapt and be accepted as the kids were nicer at that age
I have to agree with what has been said. It is far more important to keep your family together, in one state, than to make sure you have the house you want. That house means he'll have to fly from NY to AZ twice a week? Means he has to live with his parents, as a grown man with a family? Means he will only see you and his kids 2 days/week? He obviously loves you a lot to go along with this idea. Maybe one day you can move back to AZ, or retire there. But it's really a bit too much, imo, to expect him to commute to NY from AZ, for your kids to not see him all week, etc just so you can stay where you want. Your kids will be fine if you present this like a great thing. If you present it as something which totally stinks, they will not be fine. So make sure you put on a good attitude when telling the kids what a great opportunity your family has in NY. (And it is a great opportunity. Being gainfully employed with benefits in this market is a great opportunity). Once your debt is paid off, you can go to AZ for spring break...
btw, I have followed my husband's work many times. Not always where I wanted to go, but I do understand not wanting to leave somewhere. On the other hand, it has never crossed my mind not to go with him.
My husband has been struggling to make a living here ever since we moved to Arizona from NY 3 1/2 years ago. We moved here for a business opportunity with my family and that turned out to be a disaster and the business is no longer. Since then, my husband has been trying to find work in the State as a pre sales engineer in technology and has been unsuccessful. He worked for a major company for a year after the business failed and then got laid off. Since then, we have been living off our savings and that is dwindling fast. His new brilliant idea was to open himself up to the New Yok market for work. Turns out the same company he left to come out to AZ is looking to rehire him with great pay and benefits. We discussed that this decision will be hard on the kids and he just doesn't want to hear anything about it. He feels nothing has been right financially since we got to AZ. The real issue here is, I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK TO NY!!!!! My entire family is here, we own a beautiful house, my children have friends, they are in school and I finally can say I have a life too here with friends. He is not suggesting we pack up and move, rather he wants to live and work in NY 5 days and will come home on weekends to see the family, so he says. We are used to having daddy home all day and now we will only see him late friday-late sunday. He will be staying with his parents while he works from home as a remote employee, they will pay for food and not charge him rent. Oh, and did I mention we have alot of credit card and home equity debt from him being out of work. He feels this is the only way out of our financial crisis. Am I being selfish by not wanting to move? Just wanting to know if this kind of move is going to hurt my children emotionally, they are already asking about daddy and that they miss him terribly. I feel for the kids more than me. Has anyone lived this situation and it worked out to be a positive one for all.
SOOO sorry this is long.
You aren't selfish, just human. Sounds like life has been much better for your family in some ways by being in AZ and I can see how hard that would be to give up.
However, kids need their daddies and they need them every day, not just part-time. So...I would offer a compromise. Let him go with the understanding you and the kids will join him after school ends in May/June. This way it's only a short-term thing being apart, he gets to live cost-free with his parents while he gets you back to a stable financial position, and you get some time to adjust to the idea of moving.
Thanks for your responses. Some brutally honest and I must say has already had an impact. I must clarify one thing, I completely understand that many people are facing losing there jobs and many are unemployed, and it is extemely horrible what is happening. My husband is a smart man and maybe I feel he is giving up too quickly on the job market on the west coast. I didn't mean to come off as a spoiled b****. The house we live in is not what matters most. If that's what it sounded like, I didn't mean to, rather, my point was that we are settled here. I have even suggested to him that we downsize, he just didn't think that would solve our problems. I suggested to him to look in CA where it would be alot closer to travel back and forth. I did not mention either that I have a son with Autism and that we have every available state support here including his education. You see, there is more to my apprehensions about moving than just because I want to be difficult and I want what I want.
That is the game plan for now. Our debt is what we need to get out of first before we go moving cross country. Besides, we will be taking quite a loss on our house if we sold it right now.
Thanks for your responses. Some brutally honest and I must say has already had an impact. I must clarify one thing, I completely understand that many people are facing losing there jobs and many are unemployed, and it is extemely horrible what is happening. My husband is a smart man and maybe I feel he is giving up too quickly on the job market on the west coast. I didn't mean to come off as a spoiled b****. The house we live in is not what matters most. If that's what it sounded like, I didn't mean to, rather, my point was that we are settled here. I have even suggested to him that we downsize, he just didn't think that would solve our problems. I suggested to him to look in CA where it would be alot closer to travel back and forth. I did not mention either that I have a son with Autism and that we have every available state support here including his education. You see, there is more to my apprehensions about moving than just because I want to be difficult and I want what I want.
Well, your son's autism does complicate things, especially since you feel all settled there. But the reality is, you are in debt, big time it sounds like. In this recession with so many people looking for work I don't see how your husband can refuse a good offer to support his family. HE HAS TO GO.
The two of you have to decide together whether or not your son's needs can be met as well in NY. If they can, you need to have your family all together. If they REALLY can't be, then you could sacrifice having your husband do the commuting thing for a year of so while still looking for jobs back in AZ - but at least he would be working. The truth is, it's easier to get a job when you already have one than to find one once you are unemployed.
There is one thing I'm wondering about. . . "He will be staying with his parents while he works from home as a remote employee,"
Why can't he do that from Arizona?
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Thanks for your responses. Some brutally honest and I must say has already had an impact. I must clarify one thing, I completely understand that many people are facing losing there jobs and many are unemployed, and it is extemely horrible what is happening. My husband is a smart man and maybe I feel he is giving up too quickly on the job market on the west coast. I didn't mean to come off as a spoiled b****. The house we live in is not what matters most. If that's what it sounded like, I didn't mean to, rather, my point was that we are settled here. I have even suggested to him that we downsize, he just didn't think that would solve our problems. I suggested to him to look in CA where it would be alot closer to travel back and forth. I did not mention either that I have a son with Autism and that we have every available state support here including his education. You see, there is more to my apprehensions about moving than just because I want to be difficult and I want what I want.
