I Need Help... (teens, weight, average, support)

[hatemenot]

Okay so I am a teenager, and my dad and I have a very limited and closed relationship. He was there for me up until I was 3 or 4. Then he got depressed and let himself go. He became obese, but he's since lost a good amount of weight.

The problem is, he's never gone to one of my school recitals or choir concerts. He's only gone to one Christmas program in the 2nd grade. He never taught me how to be a boy, how to fight, how to deal with girl problems, how to play certain sports, or anything that normal teenage boys learned from their fathers. So it finally hit me that he doesn't care for me much. He has 3 other children from his previous marriage, who are all over 18. He's always treated them with the utmost respect, and I was usually the maid. He never let me talk to them when they were there, he'd always make me go to my room.

What finally blew my fuse was this past autumn. We had just moved into a new house in a new area, and I had made a friend who lived a few houses down. She had an older brother was a Freshman in high-school, very athletic, captain of the football team, Straight-A student, very obedient, and he had a beautiful girlfriend. Everything a parent could want, right? Well they came over for dinner one night, and since it was nice out we went outside. My friend's brother wanted to play catch with someone, so I offered but my dad said he would. I looked at him for a minute and then went inside. So a couple of days later I woke up and I couldn't find my dad.(my mom was working.) and so I looked outside. There he was playing ball with her brother. So I was going to ask if I could play and he asked me to "Get us some drinks." so I sighed and got them. Then when I thought I could play he told me, "You can go in now." , So I did. I cried for a while. I knew he never really liked me, but to purposely make me jealous out in the open like that?

So anyway, he never really went anywhere with me. It was always mom and me. I really don't think that he wants a son who is overemotional, depressed, very overweight, not athletic, quiet, and just sort of abstract. I'm not very popular. I have friends and things, but I'm far from popular. Whenever I talk to him about it he gets mad and then accuses me of lying or back-talking him. So then I try to tell my mom about it, but she just agrees and brushes it off.

I just don't know what to do to help him anymore. He won't go shopping with us, he won't go out to dinner, he's the definition of pessimist, he never plays or does anything with me, and he never wants to spend time with me.

So in my opinion, I sort of think that the way I am today is because of his neglegence towards me. My weight, however, is my own fault. I'm not the average teenage boy, which is good, but I'm not what any parent would want. I know my mom loves me, and my dad says he loves me, but sometimes I don't think he means it.

So in your opinions, do you think he loves me but just doesn't want me as his son. Do you think that he might not be over his last marriage? Do you think that he just doesn't like me? I don't know any more. To me, it seems that he just doesn't care for me. I wish he would've taught me how to be a boy, and play sports like every other guy, so I could have fun.

All replies are appreciated. Thank you~

[pinetreelover]

Wow - there is a lot of pain in your post. Clearly counselling would be of help as you are going to struggle with this troubled relationship for years until you find a way to settle this in your head. Would your family be open to family counselling? If not, could your mom help you get some "thinking help"? You are obviously reaching out for help and though I think you will get some good feedback here, these types of issues are complicated and will benefit from good professional guidance.

As a parent, I have the most difficulty with seeing traits I don't like in myself reflected in my children. I feel responsible for passing along those physical or character traits and I also feel somewhat helpless in "correcting" them as I get tangled up thinking that if I can't make myself be more or less whatever (more disciplined..., less of a procrastinator..., smaller thighs...., ) how in the world am I capable of helping my child. Maybe this is what your dad struggles with.

[Connecticut Pam]

Your post just about broke my heart. First of all, never hate who you are or what you look like. God don't make no junk! Your Dad is the one with the problem. He at one time was very heavy, you say "obese" then he lost a lot of weight. You also say you are overweight? Well, sometimes people who have lost a whole bunch of weight do not have any tolerance or sympathy for others who are still obese. They kind of go on this high over what they have accomplished and although it is quite a big deal to lose a bunch of weight it doesn't give that person the right to act badly toward other obese people. I have been on the obese side my entire life so I can sympathize with you on that score. My parents..both of them use to call me "Fat Cat"...being a girl this was just horrible and the only girl out of 5 girls who did have a weight issue on top of that.

I raised my son on my own so I can understand the closeness you and your Mom have. My son was a BIG boy too. He always was well over 200 pounds and kept that weight through high school and now has a pretty serious issue with weight. I always told him that he was destined to be a big person and would always have to keep an eye on his weight but to never, ever let that hold him back. I insisted he stand tall, walk into a room like he owned it and never take any crap from someone who thinks they know what it is like to be a little different from other kids. He, to this day is beyond confident in himself, has a beautiful wife, a great job and a nice home.

I am not so sure how you would go about getting a good relationship going with your Dad unless he consents to getting some counseling. You sound ok to me and that is because it appears your Mom has done a great job with you.

Not all kids are destined to be involved in sports and that is ok. My son did play football and was on the track team but he had his nose glued to the tv at age 6 watching football and loving the track meets...I didn't push him he just loved it. Your interests might be somewhere else and there is not a thing wrong with that.

In the meantime, talk with your Mom about all this and tell her how you feel...be honest. Next, for your own sake, if you are not comfortable with your weight then start walking maybe bike riding. Fortunately because you are young the weight will come off with some physical exercise and cutting back on calories. You won't have to work real hard but you will have to move. Find someone to walk with...maybe a girl you like or have for a friend? What a great way to get to know a girl...tell her you are thinking about taking some weight off and need a walking partner. Girls love to help....makes them feel special.

Please, don't be down about who you are or think that you have to livel up to everyone elses expectations. Love yourself first and concentrate on who you want to become as a person. Your Dad has a problem and perhaps the answer lies in you starting a conversation about all this with your Mom.

Good luck sweetie...I care.

[Sgoldie]

Some people make miserable parents. I'm sure this is hurtful to you but obviously it's something you need to compensate for yourself. Find a mentor.

There are many men who would be more than willing to become a substitute father figure and example of proper manhood. Look to your male teachers, join the boy scouts, adopt a friend's father, get involved in sports at school and the coach, ask a neighbor, an uncle, someone at church, etc.

[dsh1127]

I am so sorry that you have been made to feel the way you do. I really wish that some parents could sit back and realize what they are doing to their children by their actions. Don't even think that you are someone that a parent wouldn't want!! It is your dad's problem if he acts that way. You have done nothing to make that happen. You don't have to be in sports to be "man". You need to do what interests you. I think you should talk to your mom about it, too. Timing is very important to get your feelings across in a way that she will understand. Finding a physical activity that you enjoy will help get you in shape (if that's what you want), also it is a great stress reliever! Never forget that you are a worthwhile person!

[Rhaven]

first off, big hugs. Whether you realize it or not you have a lot going for you, and sound like a very mature person. As an adult who went through my own issues with my father I thought I would pass on some advice I learned through my own painful experiences. Usually hindsight is 20/20, and you may take this with a grain of salt and that's ok. But if it can offer you comfort and hope, I offer it to you gladly.

1. Children can not choose their parents, nor can they change them. The only thing you can do is to understand no matter what, the only thing you have control over is yourself. Some parents just never get it, and hurt their children. It's ok to acknowledge the hurt they cause you. But the longer you dwell after acknowledging it, the more you cause yourself more pain and suffering. This is one of the hardest things to learn and put to use. But if you can understand that what they do is not a reflection of YOU, you can also understand you have the power over yourself to become whatever you want to be.

2. Once you understand you are the one who can control who and what you are/will become, understand that what your father has done to you has shaped a part of you. (I know this sounds contradictory). But then you need to look within yourself and pick the lessons you were inadvertantly taught, and put them to a positive position. For instance, through my own fathers actions I knew I was never loved or wanted. When this fully dawned on me as a teen I realized I could go one of two ways: I could allow that knowledge to eat at me, wondering what I did to deserve this, or I could learn that while it is painful to know someone who SHOULD love me doesn't, I also could learn to love myself and rely on ME. If I dont have me, I have nothing. Everything else is extra. And when I became a parent I did so with the understanding that everything my father put me through, I could make up for it by making sure my children knew how much they were loved, and adored, and cherished. It's breaking the cycle.


Your father is not a good father. You know this. We know this. You can confirm it in your heart and mind you are not alone in this diagnosis. But it is not your fault. And it never was. it is fully and completely on the choulders of your father. HE has failed you, not the other way around. And that does NOT make YOU a failure. Quite the opposite. You are a survivor. You just need to undertsand that, and look within yourself to decide how you want this to shape your life: positive or negative? Break the cycle if you can. You are learning at a very young age what many many people take decades to learn. I have found in my own life, those lessons learned early made me a very self sufficient person, with a lot of love to give to the right people, and to cherish even the simple things in life many take for granted.

Lastly, while your father is your father forever, that does not mean you need to keep contact forever. Some relationships are toxic. I rtied many times as an adult to give my father chances to be a part of my life again, and realized no matter how much I wanted a relationship, it would never be what I fantasized for, and ultimately would hurt me more than it was worth it. Hold out until youu can move to your own place. Work hard at discovering who YOU are in the meantime, and keep reminding yourslef, no one deserves parents like that, but sometimes we can not choose, nor change who we are given. And when it's time for you to have kids, take all that love and give it to them. You know, better than most, how much that gift means to a child.

Best of luck to you.

[hatemenot]

Wow, I am overwhelmed with happiness from all of your caring posts.

@pinetreelover: I had a counselor before we moved because of depression, but that takes the subject to an entirely different one. My father always turns down medical care for himself. Even though he's had 18 pulmonary embolisms since 2002. He always has something wrong with him but refuses to see a doctor. Your suggestion is a very good one though. Thanks~

@Connecticut Pam: I loved your post. It was so maternal in nature and very sensitive to the entirety of what I had to say. As for my weight, I've already begun to try to regain control. I've been balancing calories, exercising as much as I can, and eating healthy foods. I've already seen results.

Onto the subject of my mom and I; We've tried to speak about this subject countless times, but it just seems to me and the both of us, that it's a very sensitive and painful subject to talk on. We both had a good, long sob and discussed the way my father has treated me.

About myself; I've been attempting to teach myself how to have more self confidence and to just be myself. It's going okay. Today was probably one of the first days in 4 or 5 years that I haven't thought about my weight for every second of the day until I go to sleep, and even sometimes in my sleep.
I thank you deeply for your concerns. It's nice to know that some good, kind, and caring people still exist, especially in a mother. (Concerning my area, anyway.)

@Sgoldie: You're correct. However, my father does care for me, but not as much as a father should care for his son.
As for becoming a man; The only "father-figure" that I really have is my grandfather on my mom's side. He's been there for me every second of every day of my life, and I'm his favorite out of his 24 grandchildren. He is also my best friend, and I know I can confide in him for absolutely anything.

@dsh1127: You have a very good point as well. But for the sports; There are a few sports that I can't play due to my medical problems. (Microuretal Disease,Kidney Disease, and I have a 400% higher risk than most teens my age for testicular cancer,because my testes have microcalcifications which are a precursor to testicular cancer.) Although I am doing a lot more to get my body in shape.

@Rhaven: Your post was very empathetic. I thank you for your concern. However, I don't wish to break off all contact with my father. Him and I may never develop a "full" relationship, but I won't disown him. I absolutely refuse to shun my father, because he is a good person, he is just very emotionally troubled, and he urgently needs mental health care, and health care in general. I honestly wish that there was a way to force him to go get help for himself, because he has just lost all faith, and I won't let him freefall like I did.


Thanks everyone~!

[dsh1127]

Oh, I didn't even really mean sports for exercise. I thought of something like bike riding or jogging. Start out slow! I think it is very important to surround yourself with people that support you as much as possible.

Have a great weekend!

[hatemenot]

@dsh1127: I said that to make sure that you knew that I couldn't play some sports.

As for going slow; I've gone through starvation and even bulimia, and I gained more weight in the end because I had lost it so fast.

I've been setting short goals for myself, making sure that they're realistic, as well as setting long term ones to.

Thanks for your response! Have a good weekend as well! (I've to go to the final Academic Team tournament tomorrow. I've to wake at 6:00am, and the bus leaves from my school at 7:30am. I'm there until 3:00pm. Why did I join again? :P )

[Kerowyn]

seem like you have some very good advice. Even though I am a girl I can understand your pain and aggrivation on a personal note. My own father didn't want me to be even born. He says he loves me but one of my past memories was as a child I ran to meet him when he came home from work and he just pushed me away. That was the first time I knew my father really didn't care about me. I was about 6 or 7 at the time.
For my brother it wasn't all that great with dad either. Mom taught my brother to play ball. Grandma taught my brother to clean a fish. It was the women in my brothers life who taught him boy things.
I can sit here and say so many things about your situation, but I won't instead I will say that over the next few years you will gain more knowledge, more experiences and create friends. For my brother he had his first job with a family friend from church, he had a machine shop and made parts for other people, car parts, machine parts etc. My brother learned alot from this man, learned how to grow up into a man.
Dad is just dad, we can't change who are fathers are or how they act or treat us. What we can change is how we respond and understand it all. Don't yearn for who you wish your dad was with you and envy what he does with others. Accept him for who he is and become your own man. BE who you are meant to be and take time figuring that all out.
Also remember it is ok if you say no or Im sorry I can't right now to your dad. Stand tall. So you can't play sports, who cares. Learn an instrument once you learn one you can teach yourself the whole band. Get outside and do nature walks when it warms up. Go camping with friends. Learn how to set up a wigwam, leanto or something. Take up drama classes. Just get out and about.
Maybe go to a Renaissance faire meet up with a few of those wierdos ( I go all the time nicest people you can ever meet ). Join the SCA or another odd Ren Faire group. You can learn so much from those folks. He is an odd thought... take up middle eastern dance ( belly dance ) and yes guys belly dance, its a different style of movement. Cool thing there is all the girls you meet. You can learn to play different drums.
you weight will modify over the years. Just watch how much you eat and get active. my brother used to come home from school every day and eat about half to 3/4 of a loaf of bread as toast. so not to worry. Although he is over 50 now and chunkie again... he had his time crawling in and out of various caves, scaling walls, repelling of cliffs. etc. You can too.
Just remember, you father doesn't define who you are, You define who you are (and you can change that definitation any time you want!). You are in charge of you.
I'm a bit late but good luck on the tournament!