Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've been with my husband for 7 years, until Aug 31st we had joint custody of his 2 children.
Our lives were very child focused. We both worked at their school, we took them on many outings, we bought them their own pets, helped with school work, looked after them in every way.
In 2007 their mum told us that she wanted a new start and that meant moving 300kms away.
We fought her move for over 2 years and LOST we are devastated.
We are good people who love the children and we just don't know where to go from here.
I'm currently painting our spare bedroom for the elder child - we promised her months ago that she could have her own room as soon as our homestay students went home.
I am looking at the study desk I bought and painted for her and I cry. We no longer have access to their school or any need to help with homework.
I look at the chests of drawers and built in wardrobe and it's like a brick in my chest - they no longer need us to buy them clothes, they will only see us for 2 days a fortnight.
I was arranging for our photo's to be put in a mass arrangement in our hallway but now I'm wondering if I should re-think the child focused way I was planning to do this - perhaps I should include more photo's of just my husband and myself?
This is our new family - just the 2 of us.
How do I make the transition from stepmother to almost nothing?
I feel like I've been totally removed from my stepdaughters lives.
I am in a custody battle right now with my ex-husband, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I am very surprised that after all that time with you they were given to their mother. It sounds like they had a good life with you. Why were they given to her, do you know?
If this were my husband and I in your situation, we would probably try to make the best of it by any means possible. We might consider relocating so that we can still be close to the children. If that were not an option, we would try to be as positive as possible not only to help keep the children's spirits up - or help them overcome the negative feelings of the transition that they have no control over whatsoever - but to help ourselves find that often-times elusive silver lining as well.
Have a celebration of the children's move... as moving to a new place can often be seen as exciting... create a journal that you all could write in... then mail back and forth together. Fill out a few pages with notes, quotes, poems, pictures... then send off... they do the same and send back to you... and so forth. Over time the journals will fill up and someday the children will be adults and you can sit and muse together over them as treasured keepsakes. Create a box, too, that you may send back and forth together... filling with odds and ends and homemade treasures and treats... (you might need to supply the children with the shipping costs so that their mother has no excuse for these things not being mailed off...) I did this with my extended long-distance family for many years. We all took turns writing things inside the box... noting the date and location from when and where we received and sent it off from... It began falling apart a bit, after so much use, so we eventually had to use a slightly larger box to send our travelling family box in.
There's lots you can do, really. Just because children do not live with you does not mean you cannot continue to develope close and important relationships with them. Especially in this day and age with all the communication tools we have. Start a blog together where you all may post pictures and notes (if they are old enough... if not, it's something you can begin when they are...) Get webcams and learn all the fun ways you can use them. At some point the situation with mom might change and who knows - you might find yourself having custody once again! But if not, it's truly not the end of the world. And you still could set up a room just for them so that when they come to visit they have a space all their own. There's no reason why you can't still do that. My aunt lost her son when he was 17 years old to a drunk driving accident. He has an older brother who also moved out years ago. She has a room dedicated to both her sons in her home. She keeps it perfectly made up and clean... she loves that room, it makes her happy. There's no reason why you couldn't do the same thing in your home.
I forgot to mention, too... as a gift to the children (if they are old enough) perhaps give them specially made stationary, postcards, stamps, or mailing labels... perhaps mailing labels with your address on them and return address labels with their new address on them. Prestamped envelopes and postcards... if they are moving to a new city, perhaps postcards from their city or local landmarks... You might also give them a special nightlight or something for their new room... the Moon in my Room is really fun - my kids love it! There are lots of fun nightlights for kids now.
Or what about a digital picture frame with pictures of the fun times you all have shared... that would be a beautiful gift for them to have at their new place.
The judge decided that the children were better off with their mum because she has 2 new children, basically that's it.
He didn't want to break up the siblings.
We were so shocked.
The BM had done so much to us, broken court orders many, many times. Kept the kids from us several times.
She also abandoned them to us for 2 months in the middle of the trial so she could move away without them.
Her boyfriend assaulted my husband once and he screamed and swore at him at every changeover... we had witnesses that went unchallenged.
But the judge didn't care.
Seriously, that hurts more than anything. We put up with so much, and the kids have been made to suffer.
We had tape recordings of BM goading DH to 'front her boyfriend like a man' but the judge didn't like the fact that we had them on tape - so that went against us too.
There was just no way to win - we had a great case. BM's endless bad behaviour and our strong involvement in the kids lives for the past 7 years. It all counted for nothing.
But I do want to move on, I need to know how to do that.
I am lost.
I understand what you're saying haggardhouseelf - but I don't feel comfortable contacting the kids while they're with their mum.
BM and her boyfriend make it hard enough for DH to contact them - they won't put the kids on the phone, and that's even if he can get them to answer.
TumbleBug, hang in and hang on. One thing I've learned is children are not ours...not even for a day.
They are on loan to us...by the Lord, by parents, by friends....whatever the relationship may be.
You've gone above and beyond the call of duty and thank goodness you were there during the most critical developing years.
Consider yourself an empty nester.... since the reality isn't going to change....I suggest you change your outlook. And it's not gonna be easy!
Thanks for your post as I advise all women to really think long and hard before getting involved with a man who has children....like they should before getting involved with a woman with kids. You have to know all the ends and outs and then take the risk. You chose this road, and this is what happens. Just love your husband. And just love those kids.
You never lose your children ... ever. What goes around comes around. The children will see through your ex and her BF in time. The main thing is that they know you love them and that your door is always open to them.
Also, based on the above, you can probably expect the ex to dump them on you when it suits. You should consult with a lawyer as how best to handle that to your (and the children's) advantage.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
we are devastated.
