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My wife and I have 8 kids and 5 grandkids. We have adopted 3 special needs kids (blind, deaf, down syndrome) and parenting these three kids has had its challenges but we've never spanked, hit, or yelled at any of our kids.
My oldest kid is a Teacher, and I have another on his way to the Priesthood. My other kids are still at home (because they're under 18). I don't believe in hitting kids, or spanking. It doesn't teach anything that corrects problem behavior.
We talk our kids to death. My oldest son, now a father of 3, talks his kids to death too. My other son has 2 kids (twins 8 mos. old) and doesn't plan to spank either.
My Father liked to spank, and had a temper to boot. I'd like to think that's not a proper role model for any man to use when he himself becomes a parent. At some point, someone has to be the link that will break the chain of abuse.
There's been numerous studies about how parents nurture their children, and the lack thereof, can cause serious lifetime issues that run the gamut from alcoholism, to aggressive behavior towards others (e.g., abusive spouses), etc.
You have to love yourself enough to know that you deserve to be treated the right way. You have to take control of your life and stop thinking in victim mode otherwise you'll never gain the strength you need to raise the level of your self-esteem to a healthy percentage.
Amazingly, things like taking a self-defense course, or yoga, can actually help you to improve how you think about yourself and then you can move forward and feel like a "whole" person.
You're just 22, and that's very young. At some point later in your life you may decide to have children. There's nothing terrible about having kids. It's one of the best things that can happen in anyone's life. My kids have brought me so much joy, and I have learned to love more deeply than I ever thought humanly possible, and it's not something you can experience until you have become a parent. It takes love to a whole new level you never knew could exist.
I don't regret having kids. I think that's why my wife and I also have adopted so many times, and are planning to adopt a set of triplets from Korea that the parents gave up because they were "girls" ... I don't care if they're pink marshmallows with yellow spots, we'll take 'em.
My brothers and I were spanked as kids - up to the time we moved out of the house!!! Both parents used a belt on us. What did I learn from it? I learned that a bigger person can hit a smaller person, Nothing more. I have NEVER spanked my kids. No need to. They've learned to obey and show respect by other means, that have never involved hitting, beating, or spanking, or any other kind of degrading, torturous act. One of my kids is an adult - works, good person, never in trouble with the law, responsible and well adjusted. The other is still in high school and is an honor roll student, again, never any trouble.
My brothers and I are well adjusted and never in trouble with the law or any of that either. But, was it really necessary to beat us within inches of our lives? I don't think so.
My brothers and I were spanked as kids - up to the time we moved out of the house!!! Both parents used a belt on us. What did I learn from it? I learned that a bigger person can hit a smaller person, Nothing more. I have NEVER spanked my kids. No need to. They've learned to obey and show respect by other means, that have never involved hitting, beating, or spanking, or any other kind of degrading, torturous act. One of my kids is an adult - works, good person, never in trouble with the law, responsible and well adjusted. The other is still in high school and is an honor roll student, again, never any trouble.
My brothers and I are well adjusted and never in trouble with the law or any of that either. But, was it really necessary to beat us within inches of our lives? I don't think so.
Thank you for sharing your stories Eddie Ho and Twinkle Toes. Yes I don't see the point why the use of a belt, object or any type of spanking (hitting) on a kid is necessary to get to the point. Also what I don't get is why do some like my father or others still to this day thinks that the harder you spank the better. Oh well, no point in arguing with him over that as he will changed the subject (he tends to do that when someone contradicts/disagrees with him). To him, he believes he did an excellent job and that I'm now well raised because of it when it's completely false.
I was disgusted when I was right on another forum about a mother giving her child 3 swaps with the hands. The child felt hardly nothing and now the mother applied like 6 swaps but this time with a paddle. According to her, if it's becoming ineffective, do it more hard. Yuck...
Yelling to get a child (at times with few name callings too) to listen to you, frightening him/her at the same time, wouldn't that to a point be consider verbal/emotional abuse?
Even once the spanking was gone after age 7, just the yelling would make me cry right away sometimes, it would spooked me.
Then the funny is years later when I was 13 or 14, my father threatened to spanked me. I responded by threatening him back with calling the cops if he does it (and I was serious about it). Got my point. Can't believe some still think it will work to a teenager. If you can't talk to a kid then even worst if you have to resort to getting physical with a teenager in order for him/her to listen to you.
Yes after the punching incident, I got so sick of it that I told them I would call the police and file a report with them and make sure the entire town knew what they had done. That carried heavy weight with them since it was a small town and everyone talked.
I remember being a child in 1st grade and my Father telling the teachers each year they could spank me if they wished. I wasn't a bad kid, thats what I never understood.
At the time my Father punched me in the face in high school, I was dating a very nice young man who was going into the ministry once he got into college. In the religion I was raised in, thats the most you can hope for your daughter is that she will marry a minister.
I never did drugs, I didn't have sex until I was 19, I didn't drink. I just never understood what I had done that was so bad. I guess I still don't understand.
I never did drugs, I didn't have sex until I was 19, I didn't drink. I just never understood what I had done that was so bad. I guess I still don't understand.
Some people are just pure ignorant. In the end, just forgive them and don't repeat the same pattern they did on you with someone else. That's what I mostly detest. It's one thing to share your story and later on chose not to do the same thing, means you learned what's right and wrong. But many times, you see those that complained about getting treated poorly and yet still do the same to others. That's what I don't understand. If you didn't like it being done to you and was terrified at the time, then why do the same to someone else??
Yes after the punching incident, I got so sick of it that I told them I would call the police and file a report with them and make sure the entire town knew what they had done. That carried heavy weight with them since it was a small town and everyone talked.
I remember being a child in 1st grade and my Father telling the teachers each year they could spank me if they wished. I wasn't a bad kid, thats what I never understood.
At the time my Father punched me in the face in high school, I was dating a very nice young man who was going into the ministry once he got into college. In the religion I was raised in, thats the most you can hope for your daughter is that she will marry a minister.
I never did drugs, I didn't have sex until I was 19, I didn't drink. I just never understood what I had done that was so bad. I guess I still don't understand.
Lindsey, that is abuse. Vastly different
While I realize that this is a deeply personal parental decision, it is in my opinion that if one is to spank a child then it is to be used when you cannot reason with a child at a certain age and the child is putting him/herself in immediate danger. That is just me. And no weapons of choice.
You don't punch your kid in the face. There is no rational for it. I have kids that the parents weapon of choice is the extension cord. At 15 or 16 and it happens when they go in to take a shower. A 12 year old with the belt wrapped around the neck. This is abuse.
Now, we can say that it can be cultural and that abuse is cyclical and we can lay out the 99 reasons of why but none of those are going to stop how you feel. I think that dealing with abuse is very difficult.
There have been times that I have not been the best parent, there were times when my daughter was in Kindergarten and 1st grade that out of MY frustration I slapped her or spanked her, all it ever taught her was that it was OK to hit people and she got in trouble a couple times at school.
I am not a violent person, unless someone corners me that is, then that flight or fight thing kicks in and I know not to run away now because in my family, showing weakness got you beaten even harder.
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