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For as long as my nearly 6 year old daughter has been able to choose, she has gone for boyish toys, sports and boy clothes. At this point, she adamantly refuses to wear girl clothes except underwear and bathing suits at public pools. We allowed her to wear a boy's bathing suit at the beach this past week because she was so excited to be able to do it (and one of her grandmothers was horrified). Everybody thinks she is a boy because of the way she dresses and chooses to have her hair (short.) At this point, I'm really confused as to how to handle it. She hasn't ever said, "I wish I was a boy" or "Why was I born a girl?" but I am very concerned about her gender identity and I don't know how to react when salespeople use "he" to describe her. She tells me that as long as people aren't saying it meanly, she doesn't mind when people think she's a boy. However, she's starting kindergarten next week and I am scared for what's going to happen.
All my DH and I want is for her to be happy. Everybody keeps telling me that she'll grow out of it, but her tomboyishness just seems pretty extreme. I don't want her to feel ostracized or teased because of this.
Any ideas on how to handle this? Anybody have any experience with this?
Hmm, sounds just like me when I was a kid, but I turned out alright in the end! Seriously, what you just wrote is exactly how I was, only I did want to be a boy, but never verbalized it.
I refused to leave my bedroom the day I made my communion because I didn't want to be seen wearing a dress. I liked short hair, hated dresses and hair pins, and yes, even girls bathing suits. I would beg my mom to let me go out to the pool in just shorts; I was probably 7 or 8 at the time.
I'm not sure I can give any advice since I know how adamant I was about what I would wear, how my hair was, and the activities I'd involve myself in. I'm still a tomboy, but I grew out of "wanting to be a boy" around puberty. I don't really act like a tomboy anymore I guess, but I still don't like girly things!
My girlfriend was the same way as a child. She was forced into dresses for pictures only and the rest of the time her mom let her be. She was always a tomboy and yes, she is a lesbian... her mom says she KNEW by the time she (my girlfriend) was 12 or so for sure.
Now, this doesn't mean your daughter will be gay or transgender or anything. I think you should let her be herself though. If it is an issue for her in school and she doesn't feel strongly enough about it to "fight" it she might conform a bit on her own but I do think it should be up to her, really.
Gender expression doesn't HAVE to be either/or. So, our society says it does... but those are external constraints. Just my 2 cents.
Your daughter sounds just like I did when I was that age. Heck, I even had NASCAR stuff on my walls at that point. All you can do is be supportive of her, to let her know that you aren't going to ostracize her for wanting the trucks over a barbie powerwheels, etc.
There's nothing wrong with being a tomboy and wanting to wear boy clothes. I even had boy underwear, I was that bad. Right now she sees nothing different between herself and a male of her age. She likes the "boy stuff" because boys don't seem to be any different, but actually better. They just have shorter (and more manageable) hair, have a "better" selection of clothes, and have "cooler" stuff.
So just be supportive and love her all the same. Just don't ostracize her or make her feel unwanted - that will do a LOT more damage.
Oh, and just wanted to let you know that despite being a major tomboy as a kid, I'm currently married with a daughter. And I'm still a huge tomboy.
Last edited by gallowsCalibrator; 08-22-2008 at 05:31 AM..
I was an extreme tomboy when I was little too..and now I am a normal girly woman with 2 kids...Just support her so she can be happy. Of course always look out for her best interest but just let her do what she wants to do...she will anyway so why not do have the love and support from the people who love her the most....
THANKS to everybody for their perspectives!!!! I really appreciate it. I think what made me more concerned recently was my MIL's reaction to my daughter wearing a boy's bathing suit. She thinks we shouldn't allow her to do this and I think she's wrong. She (MIL) was noticeably uncomfortable when a waitress called my daughter a boy and I didn't correct the waitress. I explained to MIL that I would be correcting people all day long and my daughter occasionally gets embarrassed.
We are totally happy with how our daughter is (yes, her hair is MUCH easier to deal with than her exceptionally girly younger sister!) We love her the way she is and will continue to love her whether she stays boyish all her life or changes later. We only want her to be totally happy.
THANKS to everybody for their perspectives!!!! I really appreciate it. I think what made me more concerned recently was my MIL's reaction to my daughter wearing a boy's bathing suit. She thinks we shouldn't allow her to do this and I think she's wrong. She (MIL) was noticeably uncomfortable when a waitress called my daughter a boy and I didn't correct the waitress. I explained to MIL that I would be correcting people all day long and my daughter occasionally gets embarrassed.
We are totally happy with how our daughter is (yes, her hair is MUCH easier to deal with than her exceptionally girly younger sister!) We love her the way she is and will continue to love her whether she stays boyish all her life or changes later. We only want her to be totally happy.
I appreciate the replies greatly !
Good For You! You set an example for other parents.....it is the love and nuturing that is important....not the frills and lace! Your daughter is a lucky young lady.
I think you are totally on the right path with not correcting people in public when they think she is a boy. It's one thing when they are a baby and all wrapped up in a blanket. At this point, she is making her clothing choices and hair choices and is totally comfortable with herself, which is great!
If she gets to the point where she is embarrassed or uncomfortable with people saying that, they SHE will most likely will want to do things differently, but it should be her choice. She sounds like a very confident little girl.
My niece has been this way since she could verbalize her feelings. She is 13 now (and doing just fine). At some point, your daughter will start having feelings about people confusing her for a boy; it may be embarrassment, pride, or anger. For my niece, it was all three. When that happens, she will decide herself how to handle it.
My sister tried a pixie cut on her for awhile, until my niece realized it was actually a girls cut! Now she has more fun with her hair, but doesn't wear dresses or girly clothes, still keeps her hair pretty short, and is definitely not interested in make-up! She has started playing hockey, which is a great sport to think about (although expensive). It is still very much a "boys" sport, but girls are welcomed into it. She is the only girl on the team.
Tips from the aunty: Forget about the dresses at holidays and such--its not worth the trouble! Find a nice pant and shirt set instead. My niece will wear a one-piece swimsuit, but she seems a little uncomfortable in it. She would much rather have shorts and a t-shirt on while swimming.
And most of all, your husband needs to sit down with his mom and have a little chat. Explain your reasonings in brief and that there is no room for discussion of them or rejection of your daughter. And that if she is going to act negatively toward your daughter for her choices (even non-verbally), then she will not be able to see either of your daughters. Put your foot down immediately!
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Just my 2 cents.
