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I believe we have some obligation to help our elderly parents - IF they have taken good care of us throughout our lives.
I don't think that means I must give up my life to take care of my aging parents. I don't think that necessarily means we should all live under the same roof.
I don't think that means to care for them financially - unless I am able - and they are deserving. They made the choice to have a child and take care of it - do I not get a choice about how I spend my middle years???
Do I feel like my son OWES IT TO ME to take care of me down to my last breath?
Absolutely not. ABSOLUTELY not.
Well then I hope you're rolling in dough or are saving every dime for your elder care.
Because your average nursing home in this country runs about $5,000 to $6,000 a month.
Unless you're Medicaid(which is getting ready to make severe cuts to elder care) your looking at 60 to 70K a year for an nursing home/assisted living.
People are clueless unless they have dealt with it first hand. It is expensive to get old in America.
Adult child? Is that the correct terminology? I'm not really sure how to properly phrase that
Anyway, I would like to think that adult children would help their parents when they can - financially, medically, etc. It is good to consider that. Why not? In the legal sense there is not obligation. How about some type of moral obligation. That obligation being self imposed. It is what I call appreciation for the sacrifices a parent did for child. There are many things parents did for their chlildren but did have to do. The parent is obligation is to provide food, shelter, protections, etc. However, many parents have done thing beyond obligations. For that reason it is good for grown children to consider that part as appreciation.
But what happens when a person begins to routinely ask their children (even teenagers in high school) to borrow money? To disregard their own financial security to help the parent? To do favors that greatly inconvenience them? What if the parent doesn't get another job or look elsewhere for financial help because s/he is simply lazy and doesn't feel like it? What if the parent has the ability to work more but not the motivation? I do not see a child to be obligated to accept the demands of the parents described there. For that matter not in any sense.
Does the situation change if the children are living under the parents' roof or if they live separately?
If they are living witht he parents they parents do have certain say so in their home. They can set rules even when the grown child should be at home if they want to. The child does not like it? Leave. Separately? The grown child is his own boss.
What about if it's a single parent who has been a single parent for most of the childrens' lives? What about it? I do not see any difference from what I have replied already. Maybe I missed a point.
Should the children just accept it - after all, the parent did raise them since they were babies. The parent certainly gave up a lot to make ends meet, made plenty of his/her own sacrifices to give what s/he could to the children. Family helps family sort of thing. I covered that. In my case my wife and I decided to bring in my mother-in-law to live with us. To me it is the thing to do. One more mouth to feed will not kill us. My wife takes the time to take care of her mom that is 81 now. That is simply love. She did not do it because my MIL demanded it or even asked. Nowadays as a society we have become more selish and often simply put parents ina nursing when. Often they are still functional that they could live with their children but they become someone to get in the way, sad but true.
Or should the children stand up to the parent and assert that they will not be taken advantage of anymore - that the parent needs to go get a second job or look for help elsewhere if s/he is struggling that terribly? Again, if the parent is demanding and expect the grown child to support him, I do not agree. My wife and I have never asked our grown children for anything. Our philosophy is that anything we get from them is offered not demanded or expected.
I would love to hear your viewpoints on this
Have you ever seen the movie "Guess whose coming for dinner"? There is a great scene where a father tell the grown son all he did for him expecting the son to comply with his wish. The son (Sidney Poitier) give a very nice and loving reply. I likeed it. Take care.
Maybe it's a cultural thing. In China, where there is no gov't welfare and savings can be wiped out very quickly by incidentals like revolution, famine, earthquakes, and other factors outside of one's control, the only thing people can depend on is family.
Parents are expected to foot the bill for their for their children's education and even help them find jobs and spouses and provide houses. However, in old age, children are expected to care for their parents and provide for their medical insurance. Again, in a country with no social security, medicare, medicaid, food stamps etc, families are the only ones who can be expected to do this.
In the US, we have various gov't programs to help those in poverty. We also have an solid infrastructure and stable government which allows us to place our money into various investments and confidently expect a ROI. We don't need children expect to love and raise and pass on our values.
I was raised in this country but I still hold onto some of the old country's values. Although my parents deny they will need my help in their old age, I am more than happy to provide for their medical needs. In China, to do this is a sign of filial piety, one of the highest virtues one can attain.
To me, it's a no brainer. My parents raised me, paid for my (expensive) education, and gave me a home while I attend med school. The least I can do is make sure they are well taken care of in old age. I think, in the back of my parents' minds, if they find themselves in dire financial straits, they know they can count on me to help them out. When one of them dies, I want the other to live with me. The elderly should never be left alone. My SO is bred and born American, but he also believes in the importance of caring for parents in old age. I would love to see a household of three generations living together. Our children will know their grandparents, and will understand the joy of caring for them.
I guess my philosophy only works for those who get along with their parents. Not all parents were good parents, and not all children can stand to live with them. I can understand reluctance on some people's part to accept parents into their live again. However, for people like me who are close to their parents, I consider it a privilige to see my parents grow old in my household.
Maybe it's a cultural thing. In China, where there is no gov't welfare and savings can be wiped out very quickly by incidentals like revolution, famine, earthquakes, and other factors outside of one's control, the only thing people can depend on is family.
Parents are expected to foot the bill for their for their children's education and even help them find jobs and spouses and provide houses. However, in old age, children are expected to care for their parents and provide for their medical insurance. Again, in a country with no social security, medicare, medicaid, food stamps etc, families are the only ones who can be expected to do this.
In the US, we have various gov't programs to help those in poverty. We also have an solid infrastructure and stable government which allows us to place our money into various investments and confidently expect a ROI. We don't need children expect to love and raise and pass on our values.
I was raised in this country but I still hold onto some of the old country's values. Although my parents deny they will need my help in their old age, I am more than happy to provide for their medical needs. In China, to do this is a sign of filial piety, one of the highest virtues one can attain.
To me, it's a no brainer. My parents raised me, paid for my (expensive) education, and gave me a home while I attend med school. The least I can do is make sure they are well taken care of in old age. I think, in the back of my parents' minds, if they find themselves in dire financial straits, they know they can count on me to help them out. When one of them dies, I want the other to live with me. The elderly should never be left alone. My SO is bred and born American, but he also believes in the importance of caring for parents in old age. I would love to see a household of three generations living together. Our children will know their grandparents, and will understand the joy of caring for them.
I guess my philosophy only works for those who get along with their parents. Not all parents were good parents, and not all children can stand to live with them. I can understand reluctance on some people's part to accept parents into their live again. However, for people like me who are close to their parents, I consider it a privilige to see my parents grow old in my household.
That is a great post. You are in the minority as far as I am concerned. As a society people tend to dump their parents somewhere else. They become a burden. I do agree it may be a cultural thing. I lived in Korea three years and saw what you said. In American we used to do that when there no social programs we have now so it is expected for the government to take care of our elders.
I believe that the moral fabric of our society is reflected on how we treat our poor, our children and our elders. Personally I believe we are failing morally. Helping those in need is not just to give money to help them. It is a reflection of us how much time we spend with those in need, how much we go out there and talk to them, help them, etc. I can go on and simply give money to some cheritable organizations. That is good but to go out there people will feel that care and love others feel for their fellow human beings. You raise to a higher level of spirituality when you do so. Take care.
Maybe it's a cultural thing. In China, where there is no gov't welfare and savings can be wiped out very quickly by incidentals like revolution, famine, earthquakes, and other factors outside of one's control, the only thing people can depend on is family.
Parents are expected to foot the bill for their for their children's education and even help them find jobs and spouses and provide houses. However, in old age, children are expected to care for their parents and provide for their medical insurance. Again, in a country with no social security, medicare, medicaid, food stamps etc, families are the only ones who can be expected to do this.
In the US, we have various gov't programs to help those in poverty. We also have an solid infrastructure and stable government which allows us to place our money into various investments and confidently expect a ROI. We don't need children expect to love and raise and pass on our values.
I was raised in this country but I still hold onto some of the old country's values. Although my parents deny they will need my help in their old age, I am more than happy to provide for their medical needs. In China, to do this is a sign of filial piety, one of the highest virtues one can attain.
To me, it's a no brainer. My parents raised me, paid for my (expensive) education, and gave me a home while I attend med school. The least I can do is make sure they are well taken care of in old age. I think, in the back of my parents' minds, if they find themselves in dire financial straits, they know they can count on me to help them out. When one of them dies, I want the other to live with me. The elderly should never be left alone. My SO is bred and born American, but he also believes in the importance of caring for parents in old age. I would love to see a household of three generations living together. Our children will know their grandparents, and will understand the joy of caring for them.
I guess my philosophy only works for those who get along with their parents. Not all parents were good parents, and not all children can stand to live with them. I can understand reluctance on some people's part to accept parents into their live again. However, for people like me who are close to their parents, I consider it a privilige to see my parents grow old in my household.
That is a great post. You are in the minority as far as I am concerned. As a society people tend to dump their parents somewhere else. They become a burden. I do agree it may be a cultural thing. I lived in Korea three years and saw what you said. In American we used to do that when there no social programs we have now so it is expected for the government to take care of our elders.
I believe that the moral fabric of our society is reflected on how we treat our poor, our children and our elders. Personally I believe we are failing morally. Helping those in need is not just to give money to help them. It is a reflection of us how much time we spend with those in need, how much we go out there and talk to them, help them, etc. I can go on and simply give money to some cheritable organizations. That is good but to go out there people will feel that care and love others feel for their fellow human beings. You raise to a higher level of spirituality when you do so. Take care.
Well with the cuts coming to Medicaid those who have no savings could be in big trouble if they don't have family take them in in the near future.
If you are Medicare you have to pay for any LTC out of your pocket until they take every dime you have and you become Medicaid.
For people who don't know there is a 5 yr look back on your finances, so someone who say managed through hard work an investments has a portfolio of 300K. You can't transfer to a family member and say you only have 30K in the bank.
The nursing home will take all your money, and at around 60K a year will be gone in a few years.
It always amazes me how ignorant so many people are on the costs of elder care, and just say stick the family member in a nursing home or assisted living, and don't have a clue to the cost involved.
The elderly people who have it the best go to bed one night in their own home and just don't wake up the next morning.
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