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There's no one perfect solution for all families with children. There is only whatever works best for each individual family and their situation.
...until you do retirement math. A married couple who both have logged 35 years in the Social Security program and 401(k) deductions have a huge financial advantage over a 1950's TV show family.
I was attracted to the title of this thread, so went to the first post, then saw it's from 2014. Heh heh.
It doesn't make sense for a woman to put herself on the same level as her dependent children; e.g. another dependent if she is an educated, intelligent adult.
Earning your own income, even if it's only part-time for a while, is an enormous confidence booster in addition to the financial good you're doing yourself. Our mom, who was employed, always told us girls, "work." And she didn't mean volunteering with the local garden club.
My mom stopped working while her 2 kids were young. She was always in charge of the finances though. As far as saving and paying bills. She did return to work when we got highschool age. I remember her taking some classes along the way.
...until you do retirement math. A married couple who both have logged 35 years in the Social Security program and 401(k) deductions have a huge financial advantage over a 1950's TV show family.
Really depends on the situation. If your one-income family earns the same as the average two-income family, yet the two income family spends more, has the bigger home, higher spending, higher monthly bills, more CC debt, the more expensive cars or even auto loan debt, school loans or educational loans due to not qualifying for as much in the form of grants or scholarships, etc. A single income family can still come out ahead or at the very least even. It really depends on the situation.
And most people we know are not relying on social security - at all - for retirement. Most people we know who are our age - 30's and 40's - have this feeling that it simply won't be there for us when we are ready or need to retire. In fact, most of our friends aren't even planning on retiring.
Also, You do not have to work to make contributions to an IRA account. True, some employers match those contributions to the 401(k) so the years don't work you will miss out on that. But a smart family will have some sort of retirement account for each adult as well as additional investments.
Also, when a parent chooses to stay home to raise the kids, it's not forever. It's typically somewhere between 5 - 10 years... give or take a few years depending on the family or the situation.
Its one of the reasons why I am glad we had our children while we were young. We took care of our own kids while we were young, now they are older and we're both able to work for the rest of our lives without worrying about the kids. In my situation, I will never have to halt my career or let my education waste away or become outdated. I think mothers who go to college, start working then get pregnant and choose to stop working for a few years are doing themselves a disservice. They should have the kids first, get them into school in a few years... then go to college and start working so that they never have to hit pause in their careers just as they are building momentum. But that's just me, and I tend to be old-fashioned, and I'm sure a lot of women think it's anti-feminist or something to think that way. That if a woman wants to stay home to raise her own kids, she should do that first before college or career... It just makes more sense to me, though, truly. There are biological/physical reasons why this makes more sense to me, too, but that is for a different thread!
My mother got pregnant with me at a tender young age and worked her way up the corporate ladder (she had no degree until late in life, in her 50's). Granted, she had some help from my grandparents as far as babysitting. Back then, child support was not really enforced like it is now, and my dad pretty much gave her nothing (they were divorced while I was a baby). She made executive at a young age and was a career woman until the day she died. Everything she had, she earned.
She said she would never be dependent on a man as long as she lived. She had no sympathy for women in abusive relationships because she saw them as weak. Not saying those are my views, but they were hers.
Relationships end all the time. The only constant is you.
Mom was breathtakingly beautiful. She could have remarried and stayed at home. She didn't want that.
A person is only making a stupid choice -when making the difficult decision to take a break from working to raise their own kids - if they had kids with a person they do not trust, or who would make them feel vulnerable.
…….
But it really only works if you have built a strong foundation with your partner first. Otherwise, it can be a risky endeavor.
Thinking you have a strong strong foundation with their partner -- won't help you if he leaves or wants a divorce, or wants to get nasty about it….and you don't have a way to make you own money, or fight him on an even footing for what you think you deserve.
If it's not a stupid choice…..perhaps Ill-advised?…just asking?
Quote:
We've been together 22 years. We have kids. We've done it where he stayed home and I worked, we both worked, and he worked and I stayed home.
I'm glad it has worked out for you. But if he had timed his exit at a given time would you have been vulnerable to his decision?
I've never felt vulnerable. Also, I've left my husband a few times. I left with the kids, moved out. We were fine. It was during the first seven years of our marriage. Fortunately we always worked things out, and never divorced. Family counseling worked.
Actually my husband and I joke about what we would do if I were to die or leave or he had to get by without me for some reason, versus what I would do if he left or something happened to him.
He'd have to learn how to pay bills, do the budget, hire a maid or start cleaning up after himself, learn how to shop for food, learn how to cook, do his own laundry, keep up with his own appointments, pick up his own dry cleaning and prescriptions, take his own notes when we meet with his doctors, run his own errands, never leave his wallet at home (he does that all the dang time and I'm always having to bring it to him), or leave important papers on his desk at home when he needs them for work... etc. etc. and that's just for HIM... not even all the stuff he'd have to take on for the kids, the pets, taking care of the home and cars... there's so much he just does not do. Because he works, and I have always been the one to do all of that. Even when I do work outside of the home! I still keep up with all of that even when I have a paying job outside the home.
But if something were to ever happen to him? And I'm left a single mom? I'm just going to get a dog. That's it. Because I don't like going on walks alone. I've got everything else covered.
Why should a woman feel vulnerable when she chooses to raise her own kids, especially if the man leaves. In fact, it is harder in some ways when you do have a husband/partner. A single mother with kids qualifies for a lot more in the way of scholarships, grants, reduced cost housing, healthcare, and other help. As well as, depending on where you live, 1/2 of everything the father of the children earns, or what was earned during the relationship (varies by state I think), child support, alimony.
People also tend to be a lot more kind and have more empathy for single parents. A stay at home mom who doesn't work so she can focus on her kids and family? Forget about it. We have to put up with all kinds of crap and attitudes from working moms and other people throwing us shade or being catty or rude because of our own personal life choice. If we ditched the husband, or ditched the kids and got a job outside of the home, suddenly for some reason we're shown more respect and kindness. It's so bizarre. I have experienced this myself as we have tried different things.
Also, as a single mom you have more control over your home, raising of the kids (while they are with you), the things the family wants to spend money on, the food you eat, etc. I could save so much money if I didn't have to factor in my husband's likes or dislikes into our budget. Also things like video game systems, internet, cell phones... in a partnership you have to come to a compromise. As a single parent you decide what you want for or in your home. When my husband and I were separated those times, I had WHOLE WEEKENDS to myself. No kids, no husband, nada. Every weekend was a mini vacation. It was actually kinda nice.
I'm not saying that I think women are always better off single moms, but I just feel that it really isn't as bad as it is made out to be. The times I left my husband, lots of things got easier and more affordable. People were nicer and more accepting and supportive. It's almost like people love to hate on happily married couples who choose to raise their own kids. Maybe its jealousy, I dunno.
I guess I just don't believe in living your life in fear. It seems really insecure to me. To choose not to follow your heart and gut and mind in doing something you know is right and better for the family, because of fear and "What If's". That seems stupid to me.
So I call it acting stupid money. I need MY own money, in case HE starts acting stupid. So I can say "I'm outta here" and not have it affect me financially. I marvel that some people are that trusting to be that vulnerable.
I think it's smart money. You can have love, adoration and blah, blah, blah. It doesn't pay the bills, and no one gives a crap how great a momma you are. The grocery store doesn't accept excuses. The phone company won't take into consideration how your children never spent time in day care. The mortgage company will happily take your home, even if it's all your husband's fault.
It's not cynicism, it's realism. It's not even a matter of trust or hope. Sure, the breadwinner can dump you, hit you, fly off the rails, leave, etc. Of course you would like the option to leave, and not have finances be the thing that holds you back (I see that WAY too often, BTW.) No, sometimes there aren't warning signs. Yes, it could happen to you.
Even if you have the PERFECT spouse, things can still hit the fan.
What a lot of people don't consider is what happens if the breadwinner gets sick? Or dies? Or gets hit by a bus? Or falls off a ladder at his job that doesn't have comp (or it's in a state with horribly backward tort law.)
I deal with people in those situations every day, as well. The hospital doesn't care that your husband worked hard so you can stay at home, neither does your mortgage company, the grocery store or the utility company. I wouldn't bank on the tort system bailing you out, either.
Through no real fault of either spouse, the stay at home spouse is now forced back into the workforce, with no skills, no experience and no economic cushion. It's gut wrenching to watch. I know very few people with adequate life insurance, much less long term care, and even with ACA, I know many people who have no health insurance. (They think they're too healthy to get in a car wreck, I suppose.) Think of how many people who are on the fringe as it is. Unfortunately, many people can't afford a SAH spouse, but risk it "for the good of the kids."
There is nothing wrong with staying home with the kids and raising them and taking care of your husband and household, providing that his income is 500k to a mil annually, it will work, I'll be the best wife and mother I can be. You young girls can be a slave to your job, while take good care of my husband and kids
Now that you mention it, I had horrible experiences with daycares too. When I was perhaps 2, had one lady that would lock me out in the backyard. Or the times I'd get nasty threats and aggressive actions against me for waking up from a nap or other petty things. My mother worked full time and she was always angry. I hated that she worked and was so mad at the world for it. My brother and I would do the household chores so she didn't have to, but this was rarely up to her standards and expectations. And between that and her attitude with work, she'd come home ready to yell at my father, who was also hot tempered and more than happy to antagonize back and forth. To this day I resent that she wasn't at home and neither parent was ever available for any of my extra circulars, which looking back made me stop going to anything. Nor did they ever help me (I was selected to do the spelling bee for my class in 2nd grade. instead of asking a word and having me spell it for practice and actively being engaged, they both completely ignored me or told me to go study the word list. It felt like a punishment than the honor it should have been. For the record, I performed poorly in the competition).
I don't want that for my children. I want my wife to be there for my kids. I want to be there for my kids to, but also know that it's my duty to financially provide first. In either case, she'd fill the role I can't instead of opting to also work when she doesn't need to and neglect the children.
There's more to it of course, but the care of my children is an integral part of why I want a housewife. And if that means we have to "settle" for Toyotas instead of BMWs and 3 bed, 2 bath instead of a McMansion, then I think it's worth it.
Right on....your mom almost sounds like me...very sad..I'm sorry you had to go through this, I went through it as a kid too, it was like walking on eggshells, I couldnt never do anything right in her eyes
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