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Just curious can anyone relate to my story?....that is moving from state to state trying to find some peace with your life and yourself, here is my story-- and no I did not make this one up, even master fiction writers in all their genius could not top this story......
I am a native to northwestern PA where there is plenty of nothing to do here unless you are like me and love the great outdoors. Economy is slow here though so finding a job next to impossible. And meeting young, hip, cultural people here? Not likely to happen.
Right out of college I decided to move to upstate NY-- Binghamton to be exact (and quite possibly the armpit of NY state). At least I actually scored a job. I was having a hard time convincing someone to hire my ass even with a 3.9 GPA. But at least I wouldn't be too far from family as it was only a "short" four hour drive from home. What I ended up with was a long and lonely, gray, cold, snowy 2 year streak...it took me 5 months to make any young and fun (but not too crazy) friends. And dating life? Fohghetta bout it It was non- existent. I like to say I died away a little during that time period, and my family rarely came to visit me too.....But it wasn't like I sat around waiting for things to happen either. I was always driving up to Ithaca, the Fingerlakes and the Poconos for a change of scenery. I joined a gym, joined a running club, took recreational college courses etc, etc. But I was still lonely, I don't know why. So after much contemplating and wallowing in my sorrows I decided it was time for me to make a change. I was through with the gray, gloomy lonliness and after my town was ravished by the overflowing Susquehanna I decided to take a trip down to Charlotte NC to visit an old college roomie.
I became alive that week, it was sooo different and new and sooo many young single people to meet....I went on three dates in a 10 day time period! It was like spring break! There was not a moment while I was there where I was for a split second unhappy, my unhappiness vanished and I became excited about life again. So my entire drive back to NY I am crying and dreading this aloness once again. I made a promise to my friend that I would be living there by the end of the year. After countless nights job searching I finally scored an interview (even within the same company I worked for!) drove 10 hours to get there after work, went for the interview the next day, and then drove 10 hours back. There is no way I can do this again, I have no days off left to use. This was like my one and only shot. BUT here's the thing...I had a bad feeling about the job, I mean I had a really Bad vibe (I mean they didn't even pay to fly me down for the interview cheapskates!). But this was my only shot and I ignored it, brushed aside those feelings and took the job anyway.
Did I mention that relocation was in no way reimbursed, so all of my moving expenses I incurred. And rent? Well I had no time to come down and find myself my own cute apartment so I had to rely on my friends' help which resulted in a $200 increase in my monthly rent. Yikes! I just keep ignoring these signs though. At least I had a place to sleep though.
I met soooo many great friends--INSTANTLY. Running friends, softball friends, gym firends, bar friends. I was loving it here. But the job made me miserable. I felt helpless and unable to "get out." I mean I just moved here, and I need the equivalent income if I'm gonna survive here. But after 6 months of tortoure, exhaustion, countless illnesses, anguish-- I mean real STRESS (3 people had left/gotten fired in my dept. while I was there!) I incurred the "last straw" and decided I had to leave for my own emotional well-being. (Since I had left FOUR other postions in my dept. had been posted...that means FOUR others quit or got fired!!). UGH...my bad, I shoulda known. And my mom is always calling me telling me how much she misses me now that I'm ten hours away instead of four-- where at least she had the option to come visit if she wanted to, (but rarely did anyway).
So now I'm unemployed, and I head off to do the Boston Marathon like I had already planned (which ends up being like the highlight of my life, ok the move was worth it just for the supreme athleticism I had somehow acquired, was it the water?). I come back to NC and I am sooo friggin lost. What do I do? Do I try to stick it out here and incur more debt on a likely smaller income OR call it quits and move back in with the moms? Months go by and day after day I am in even more anguish now that I don't have that damn stinkin job anyway. I cannot move forward I am stuck in this rut of regret.
Then one day while I'm out running and anguishing over my confusing life (while training for another marathon I might add, hey I need something to look forward to) I get struck by an SUV while crossing in a crosswalk...and fly 31 feet landing in the middle of a 5 way intersection during rush hour traffic.
I imagine myself flying through the air like a cat..... and landing like the perfect little gymnast I am. I only end up with a few small scratches. It's like a grocery list....I'll take ahh cracked pelvis, and ahhhh cracked sacrum, dislocated tail bone sounds nice, hmmm I'll take a broken scapula topped off with a blood spurting 4 inch gash on my head and massive road rash to decorate my back... I look like a full on Monet. A pretty picture laying there alone in traffic utopia. I lie there on that hard unforgiving pavement in a lucid state thinking to myself "Am I going to die today?" Is today the day? Then the ambulance and firetrucks whir in the distance. Reality kicks me hard in the ass, real hard.
Like the movie star that I am I cannot exit this dramatic show stopping performance without an even more extravagant exit. My limosine has arrived dahling and it is going to whisk me away to my $22,000 dollar a night villa on the 10th floor (poking, prodding, catheterization, and radiologic investigation are seperate additional expenses of course). No this ain't no Hollywood ending.
Nobody knew I had gone out for a run that night, in fact both of my roomates happened to be out of town so they wouldn't notice I had gone missing. And I couldn't call my mother that night, because that would mean A. She would lay in bed all night unable to sleep anguishing about her broken daughter all alone in the hospital or B. She would stay up all night while driving worrying about her broken daughter all alone in the hospital. I wanted neither so I decided to stick it out ALL alone in my 10th floor villa.... while copious amounts of morphine infuse into my veins, at least I was relaxed and numb to the world.
A long recooperation period ahead of me, and yes I am still recooperating from all of this drama. Will it ever end? So my job hunt was put on hold for a couple of weeks until I could heal and get my bearings, I mean I just spent $22,000 in one evening (a down payment on a house perhaps, mabye a three month trip to Europe, or better yet a one week gambling spree in Las Vegas?).
So back to job hunting. Well then my computer dies, the USB ports just stop working. No more wireless internet, no printing out resumes, ****. I think Fred Flintstone had a more updated dinosaur version than I. Ok well how much could a little more debt really hurt? I mean $600 in the grand scheme of things these days, really that is just how I like to roll now-- don't hate on me. So out of pure necessity I bought myself a shiny new computer. While I was away that very weekend (exactly 3 days use of this shiny new object- the light of my life) I came home to discover it missing....did my annoying alcoholic roomate decide that just because she lived here first she could just put her grimy little hands on my shiny new object- the light of my life and use it for her own selfish gratification? Hmmmm my bedroom window looks amiss, further investigation reveals a perfectly symetrical square cut into my screen. Damn, I knew I shoulda gotten myself one of those cute little stubby tailed dobermans instead of a ferocious furry (but absolutely thee light of my life) harmless cat. The cat stuck around, but none of my electronics did. The Mecklenburg Police are getting to know me real well around these parts.
That was the breaking point. All mental breakdowns aside this was the one that errupted to the surface. I fled home to my mother back in PA with the light of my life cat pooping on my car seat during a long emotional (and stinky) 10 hr drive back home. I made it back to "GO", but I did not collect 22,000 dollars. But at least now I have my family for moral support, man cannot remain a lone island forever. I realize what is priority in this moment, in this time of my life.
Don't worry...you're not alone in realizing that NW PA sucks. Binghamton is worse, my brother lives there (he has one of the few good jobs in that town). The economy of PA and upstate NY sucks, thanks to the Blue-Collar Democrat stranglehold in politics.
It seems that many young people are moving to Charlotte from western PA. I know several! Charlotte is booming compared to western PA. It would seem that our political leaders should try to emulate their policies. But unions and the welfare state are sacred cows here, so that probably won't ever happen.
If I were you, I'd go back down to Charlotte or some place with a functioning economy. What is your college major or job specialty?
Just curious can anyone relate to my story?....that is moving from state to state trying to find some peace with your life and yourself, here is my story-- and no I did not make this one up, even master fiction writers in all their genius could not top this story......
I am a native to northwestern PA where there is plenty of nothing to do here unless you are like me and love the great outdoors. Economy is slow here though so finding a job next to impossible. And meeting young, hip, cultural people here? Not likely to happen.
Right out of college I decided to move to upstate NY-- Binghamton to be exact (and quite possibly the armpit of NY state). At least I actually scored a job. I was having a hard time convincing someone to hire my ass even with a 3.9 GPA. But at least I wouldn't be too far from family as it was only a "short" four hour drive from home. What I ended up with was a long and lonely, gray, cold, snowy 2 year streak...it took me 5 months to make any young and fun (but not too crazy) friends. And dating life? Fohghetta bout it It was non- existent. I like to say I died away a little during that time period, and my family rarely came to visit me too.....But it wasn't like I sat around waiting for things to happen either. I was always driving up to Ithaca, the Fingerlakes and the Poconos for a change of scenery. I joined a gym, joined a running club, took recreational college courses etc, etc. But I was still lonely, I don't know why. So after much contemplating and wallowing in my sorrows I decided it was time for me to make a change. I was through with the gray, gloomy lonliness and after my town was ravished by the overflowing Susquehanna I decided to take a trip down to Charlotte NC to visit an old college roomie.
I became alive that week, it was sooo different and new and sooo many young single people to meet....I went on three dates in a 10 day time period! It was like spring break! There was not a moment while I was there where I was for a split second unhappy, my unhappiness vanished and I became excited about life again. So my entire drive back to NY I am crying and dreading this aloness once again. I made a promise to my friend that I would be living there by the end of the year. After countless nights job searching I finally scored an interview (even within the same company I worked for!) drove 10 hours to get there after work, went for the interview the next day, and then drove 10 hours back. There is no way I can do this again, I have no days off left to use. This was like my one and only shot. BUT here's the thing...I had a bad feeling about the job, I mean I had a really Bad vibe (I mean they didn't even pay to fly me down for the interview cheapskates!). But this was my only shot and I ignored it, brushed aside those feelings and took the job anyway.
Did I mention that relocation was in no way reimbursed, so all of my moving expenses I incurred. And rent? Well I had no time to come down and find myself my own cute apartment so I had to rely on my friends' help which resulted in a $200 increase in my monthly rent. Yikes! I just keep ignoring these signs though. At least I had a place to sleep though.
I met soooo many great friends--INSTANTLY. Running friends, softball friends, gym firends, bar friends. I was loving it here. But the job made me miserable. I felt helpless and unable to "get out." I mean I just moved here, and I need the equivalent income if I'm gonna survive here. But after 6 months of tortoure, exhaustion, countless illnesses, anguish-- I mean real STRESS (3 people had left/gotten fired in my dept. while I was there!) I incurred the "last straw" and decided I had to leave for my own emotional well-being. (Since I had left FOUR other postions in my dept. had been posted...that means FOUR others quit or got fired!!). UGH...my bad, I shoulda known. And my mom is always calling me telling me how much she misses me now that I'm ten hours away instead of four-- where at least she had the option to come visit if she wanted to, (but rarely did anyway).
So now I'm unemployed, and I head off to do the Boston Marathon like I had already planned (which ends up being like the highlight of my life, ok the move was worth it just for the supreme athleticism I had somehow acquired, was it the water?). I come back to NC and I am sooo friggin lost. What do I do? Do I try to stick it out here and incur more debt on a likely smaller income OR call it quits and move back in with the moms? Months go by and day after day I am in even more anguish now that I don't have that damn stinkin job anyway. I cannot move forward I am stuck in this rut of regret.
Then one day while I'm out running and anguishing over my confusing life (while training for another marathon I might add, hey I need something to look forward to) I get struck by an SUV while crossing in a crosswalk...and fly 31 feet landing in the middle of a 5 way intersection during rush hour traffic.
I imagine myself flying through the air like a cat..... and landing like the perfect little gymnast I am. I only end up with a few small scratches. It's like a grocery list....I'll take ahh cracked pelvis, and ahhhh cracked sacrum, dislocated tail bone sounds nice, hmmm I'll take a broken scapula topped off with a blood spurting 4 inch gash on my head and massive road rash to decorate my back... I look like a full on Monet. A pretty picture laying there alone in traffic utopia. I lie there on that hard unforgiving pavement in a lucid state thinking to myself "Am I going to die today?" Is today the day? Then the ambulance and firetrucks whir in the distance. Reality kicks me hard in the ass, real hard.
Like the movie star that I am I cannot exit this dramatic show stopping performance without an even more extravagant exit. My limosine has arrived dahling and it is going to whisk me away to my $22,000 dollar a night villa on the 10th floor (poking, prodding, catheterization, and radiologic investigation are seperate additional expenses of course). No this ain't no Hollywood ending.
Nobody knew I had gone out for a run that night, in fact both of my roomates happened to be out of town so they wouldn't notice I had gone missing. And I couldn't call my mother that night, because that would mean A. She would lay in bed all night unable to sleep anguishing about her broken daughter all alone in the hospital or B. She would stay up all night while driving worrying about her broken daughter all alone in the hospital. I wanted neither so I decided to stick it out ALL alone in my 10th floor villa.... while copious amounts of morphine infuse into my veins, at least I was relaxed and numb to the world.
A long recooperation period ahead of me, and yes I am still recooperating from all of this drama. Will it ever end? So my job hunt was put on hold for a couple of weeks until I could heal and get my bearings, I mean I just spent $22,000 in one evening (a down payment on a house perhaps, mabye a three month trip to Europe, or better yet a one week gambling spree in Las Vegas?).
So back to job hunting. Well then my computer dies, the USB ports just stop working. No more wireless internet, no printing out resumes, ****. I think Fred Flintstone had a more updated dinosaur version than I. Ok well how much could a little more debt really hurt? I mean $600 in the grand scheme of things these days, really that is just how I like to roll now-- don't hate on me. So out of pure necessity I bought myself a shiny new computer. While I was away that very weekend (exactly 3 days use of this shiny new object- the light of my life) I came home to discover it missing....did my annoying alcoholic roomate decide that just because she lived here first she could just put her grimy little hands on my shiny new object- the light of my life and use it for her own selfish gratification? Hmmmm my bedroom window looks amiss, further investigation reveals a perfectly symetrical square cut into my screen. Damn, I knew I shoulda gotten myself one of those cute little stubby tailed dobermans instead of a ferocious furry (but absolutely thee light of my life) harmless cat. The cat stuck around, but none of my electronics did. The Mecklenburg Police are getting to know me real well around these parts.
That was the breaking point. All mental breakdowns aside this was the one that errupted to the surface. I fled home to my mother back in PA with the light of my life cat pooping on my car seat during a long emotional (and stinky) 10 hr drive back home. I made it back to "GO", but I did not collect 22,000 dollars. But at least now I have my family for moral support, man cannot remain a lone island forever. I realize what is priority in this moment, in this time of my life.
Oh -- MOM GUILT. Had that BIG TIME -- it lasts for a long time, at least when you're a daughter. Brent didn't have it as much, maybe because his parents approved of us leaving PA.
The very last thing my mother said to me, as I hugged her to board the plane -- "When you fail, you have a home to come home to."
On my first trip back home after a year, I had yard work.
Thing is -- you're at the beginning of your life. Beginnings are ALWAYS rough. You will get through this and find your way.
Where ever you end up, do yourself a very big favor and live within your means. Save 10% of every paycheck, and you will be far happier than people who HAVE to work. I truly think there is an attitude shift between having to work and wanting to work.
I've had quite a storm myself. I list my burdens as learning lessons and spritual enrichment. I think about when I was a caretaker for a old jewish woman that survived the nazi occupation. She had her whole family shot in front of her. I never had to deal with that. And let me tell you....this girl was a tough old bird. But she would still soften and a fresh knish. I guess what i am saying is you just have to find your knish. It can always be worse. It can always be better. But there is always that knish no matter what the state of affairs outside in life.
FYI - check with whoever does your taxes..relocation is usually something you can use to adjust what you owe. Apt renters insurance is CHEAP. So it wont matter if your stuff gets stolen.
Did you talk to personal injury lawyers about your accident? That would solve some of your money issues. Be thankful it was only 22,000 and im guessing you can walk?
It can always be worse.
I'm you, at 42. I've done all those travels (Washington, DC, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boston, and now Pittsburgh), had a few marriages in there, and many, many schools, jobs and career paths. I've had my share of debacles as well, everybody does, though I've never been hit by a truck!
I'm pretty sure this is a lesson you have to learn for yourself, but I'll say it anyway. Stop worrying about "the where" so much. You can't define your life and change it based on a snapshot of some place you visit. The people who've replied already have given you some good advice. Start living within your means (even if you have to use a friend's computer or one at the library), figure out your finances based on these big expenses you've had (you DID have health insurance, right?), let your mom take care of you until you feel better. (This will serve two purposes, she'll love to see you, and maybe she'll have had enough by the time you are back on your feet!)
After all that is done, I'd recommend taking advantage of your youth. (I assume you're in your 20s, right?) Get rid of all your stuff and take some time to travel, all over this country and probably some others, maybe a year, maybe two. You can always get a job when you need money, any job, but in many places (Brazil, Thailand, Vietnam, for instance) you really can live on almost nothing. An adventure like this will help you figure out what you're good at, what's important to you and that you can think on your feet. Most importantly, it will give you the confidence to not panic when things go sideways.
Reading back, here, it really sounds like I'm being preachy. I'm not. I just wish someone had given me this advice when I was your age. I spent my 20s and 30s struggling to fit some mold I'd made for myself (with lots of help from my parents). I thought I should have a career and a family, and the sooner the better. So I wasted that youth fretting and struggling and not getting what I thought I wanted. I ended up getting married (again) and having kids in my mid-30s without having really explored who I am and what I have to offer them.
At any rate, I'm not whining, just wondering what could have been done differently. I did take a year to study (art) in Italy and it was the best year of my life, changed everything.
Good luck to you! Hope your bones mend. You have an interesting writing style, actually, perhaps while you're flat on your back you should try writing something.
I totally agree with jhprentiss about your writing style - seems like a talent/gift.
I also hope that your life will find you with many, many new beginnings/stepping-stones in your lifetime. Bad stuff will always happen, but may you never be bored and hope you see great wonders in each and every new journey.
I don't know if this post is real, or just some aspiring writer practicing....either way.
My advice is to stop following your heart and start making grown up decisions. As an example, you shouldn't move across the country (into poverty) just because it makes you feel good.....a smart mature adult has to suck it up, deal with adversity, and figure out a better plan.
The bottom line here is you have to make good decisions (like looking both ways before you cross the street).
WOW, thank you everyone for so many great points of view. My responses? Mom guilt sucks but at least I have a mom to give me the guilt trip, yard work isn't all that bad when your rent is free. I know things could be alot worse, in comparison to witnessing your loved ones getting shot right before your very own eyes my story pales in comparison, I'll stop my whining now. This experience has been eye opening and deep down I recognize this as an opportunity to grow spiritually and a chance to learn how to take these blows like an adult should. I have become a better person because of all of this, that is so cliche I know. Traveling more would be a fabulous idea but I feel as though I should tend to business more before I do that--- I will put that as number 2 on my "to do list"..... of course after losening up some of that debt. In no way am I ready to get married and start popping out babies left and right like a mechanical machine of sorts... (my Mom is giving me the guilt trip about that too) so I am considering going back to school so I can stop wasting this wonderful gray matter of mine. I wish I had stability, but the excitement of the unknown is far more enticing to me at this moment. I hate making "adult" decisions because I will always be a dreamer and a kid at heart...imagination and creativity is what makes living fun, not monotony and RESPONSIBILITY, blah that is for the birds Yes I can still walk (and now run), though I feel a little like my body has aged/matured more than my mind has..i.e. I walk like an eighty year old grandma but I am still a few years short in the wisdom department. BTW yes I am realizing I am now an aspiring writer AND this was my first NON-fiction masterpiece, thank you very much;0 Next time I will practice looking both ways before crossing, but I think my ADD has alot to do with that...I get distracted very easily, I think it had something to do with a hot muscular shirtless guy in spandex on the other side of the street....jk!! Sincerely, thank you for your responses everyone!
Don't know if you treat your ADD, but that could be a big help too. I don't have it, but everyone around me does. My husband has had a lot of misadventures as well, and since he's started treating his ADD he has less of the "this happened to me" attitude and more of the "how can I make sure this doesn't happen to me" idea!
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It was non- existent. I like to say I died away a little during that time period, and my family rarely came to visit me too.....But it wasn't like I sat around waiting for things to happen either. I was always driving up to Ithaca, the Fingerlakes and the Poconos for a change of scenery. I joined a gym, joined a running club, took recreational college courses etc, etc. But I was still lonely, I don't know why. So after much contemplating and wallowing in my sorrows I decided it was time for me to make a change. I was through with the gray, gloomy lonliness and after my town was ravished by the overflowing Susquehanna I decided to take a trip down to Charlotte NC to visit an old college roomie.
I agree
