Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
They should get their own place. The best scenario is for them to marry this way his military stipend will now include a family. My DH and I married young, I was 17 and he was 20. We have NEVER lived with anyone. We went out on our own and have struggled and grown because of it. If this happened to my 18 year old daughter she would have to move out and on her own. These are adult decisions and come with adult consequences. You have done a fine job of raising your son, now it's their turn to raise a child....on their own. They are adults now.My .02.
Good grief I get sick to death of people insisting that 18 year old teens are adults. They are of LEGAL AGE TO VOTE, and even then most of them won't make a good decision, but they aren't really "adults" in any realistic sense.
There are good reasons we don't let 18 year olds buy alcohol in this country. And some of those same reasons are why we cannot expect teens this age to be completely self-supporting and on their own, especially when they are in college full-time.
Maybe it would be fine with you if your 18 year old got pregnant that she lose all opportunity to further her education and accept living a more limited life with a career at WalMart - but it sure in the hell wouldn't be fine with me. If my kid found himself or herself in this situation, you better believe I'd move heavan and earth to help them make the best of it and salvage their plans for living up to their potential.
See, this is the difference between poor people and successful middle class people - parents who provide opportunities for their kids to succeed and safety nets when they fall. Parents who are not forward thinking enough to understand this concept end up with kids living a life of more financial hardship and struggle. A good parent should WANT their kid to go farther than they did in life - to have the best quality of life possible. Kicking an 18 year old to the curb, pregnant or not, sets that kid up for nothing but hard times and lots of failure. I would never do it (except in a case of "tough love" with a drug addict/criminal).
Good grief I get sick to death of people insisting that 18 year old teens are adults. They are of LEGAL AGE TO VOTE, and even then most of them won't make a good decision, but they aren't really "adults" in any realistic sense.
Good grief I get sick to death of peole insisting that 18 year old teens aren't adults. I was married at 18 to another 18 year old and worked in a factory for 45 hours a week, kept house and took care of business. Later I put myself through college. He still works for the same company and will retire a reasonably young man with a beautiful house on a lake and a lot of money in the bank.
Why don't people expect anything of an 18 year old anymore? Why are they so incapable of taking care of themselves and their own business?
Good grief I get sick to death of peole insisting that 18 year old teens aren't adults. I was married at 18 to another 18 year old and worked in a factory for 45 hours a week, kept house and took care of business. Later I put myself through college. He still works for the same company and will retire a reasonably young man with a beautiful house on a lake and a lot of money in the bank.
Why don't people expect anything of an 18 year old anymore? Why are they so incapable of taking care of themselves and their own business?
It is not a matter of "expecting nothing" from 18 year olds - I know I expected plenty out of mine when they were that age, and they delivered
Our OP is also expecting plenty from her 18 year old in exchange for giving him an affordable place to live while he has a baby and finishes school. Just because she is helping him doesn't mean she's doing everything for him. The kid still has a lot of responsibility to live up to while he is learning how to be a man.
The reality is, the world we live in today can be very harsh for those that are unprepared to live in it. The days of going to work right out of high school in the local factory for 45 hours a week are LONG gone. I'm glad it worked out for you, but I would not be willing to take a chance with my kid's future in the present economic climate. My parents were stepping stones for me to do better than they did (and with advanced degrees they did alright themselves), and I have been a stepping stone for mine - it's the way you ensure the financial security and happy success of future generations of your family.
The days of going to work right out of high school in the local factory for 45 hours a week are LONG gone.
This is so true. Times have sure changed. It's almost impossible for young adults to earn a viable income without a college degree these days. I also think it's sometimes difficult for people to comprehend that areas of the country are vastly different. Young adults living in high cost of living areas have an even greater challenge.
Okay, let's clear a few things up. Guess I was wrong in thinking compassionate folks abound on City Data.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses
First of all, there are no "oops" experiences when it comes to sex and pregnancy. If they are both in college, they both should know where babies come from and how to prevent a pregnancy.
Of course they are aware of where babies come from and how to prevent a pregnancy. I wasn't trying to discount what happened. Naturally, I let them know how disappointed I was about them not practicing safe sex but that doesn't make the pregnancy go away. Belaboring one's disappointment or pointing out that this could have been prevented is a waste of time and energy, imho.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses
Secondly, she would have to be pregnant for over a year to be due in the spring. According to the current date, she would be due no later than November of this year.
The due date for the baby is December. But if she returns to school, she would return in the spring. Perhaps I phrased that incorrectly. My bad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses
Thirdly, the GI Bill and a large monthly stipend? How does that work? At 18 he can't possibly be a Vet.
I can't believe I'm even explaining this, but here goes. For the uninformed, the Post 9/11 GI Bill can be transferred from the soldier to a dependent -- in this case from my ex-husband to his son. The monthly stipend is the same whether you are the soldier or the dependent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses
Fourthly, if they both take responsibility, it shouldn't affect your life at all except for being a happy grandmother.
If they want to act like adults and get pregnant, they should be willing to take the responsibility of taking care of their own business. It isn't up to you to take that responsibility away from them. If they have to struggle a little, it will be worth more to them in the long run.
I am not trying to "take that responsibility away from them." I am trying to be supportive and believe that regardless of my support, they will struggle plenty. If it benefits everyone, including my unborn grandchild, for me to offer a roof (with rent) and an occasional opportunity for them to have some time together without having to pay a babysitter, then that's what I'll do. Yes, my life changes. Because even if my son were 30, married and this were a planned pregnancy, I wouldn't move across the country and be that far from my first grandchild.
Okay, I'll now continue reading the responses and see what other misconceptions, fallacies and judgments I can clear up.
I wonder if your son would have stayed with this girl if not for the baby...
Your taking the girlfriend into your house doesn't give him much choice...
My son and his girlfriend have been together for over a year. They were both applying to 4 year schools and hoped to be in the same school. Whether they have a child together or not doesn't change his obligation to his baby. They are not getting married and I didn't bring her into my house to limit his choices. Their choices remain the same and I would not and could not have the mother of my grandchild out on the streets. Could you?
I think you should encourage them to marry for one. A marriage doesn't work if it's never given a chance and the best way for him to stay involved with his child is to be married.
People used to marry young and they made it. It's not the end of the world, it's not the easiest way to start out in life - but people do it, have always done it. Some help is okay.
While I agree with you in theory and we've talked about the pros and cons of marriage, the decision is theirs.
First of all, you have a right to ALL your feelings - disappointment, angst, annoyance, even anger. This WILL impact your life and change the direction you might have seen yourself heading.
However, once you process those feelings you'll be free to welcome this new life into yours - and I believe be thoroughly enriched in the long run Congratulations Grammy!
While some people will try to tell you, "they are 18, they are adults now, let them figure it out", you are wise to understand that being 18 is STILL just being a teenager with a legal adult status, not real adult maturity.
To give them and your grandchild the best chance at a successful life they NEED at least one parent such as yourself willing to guide them and be a bit of a safety net. So, good for you for offering to rent to them at an affordable rate while they live with you and finish school. I would just suggest that you get an understanding of all financial expectations in writing. Doing this will avoid any misunderstandings on anyones part and will aid the young couple is growing into a more adult role of budgeting and paying rent on time.
It is IMPERATIVE that your son finish school - you must stress that him. If he is tempted to quit at any point to work fulltime "to support his family" he will be forever limiting himself in future earnings and lifestyle. It's not fair that you have been put in this position, but then, life is not fair. When people we love screw up, THAT is the time to really show them the depth of our love for them. Hang tough, you are a good mom and will be a great grandmother I'm sure
Thank you for the kind words. I think back of myself at 18 or even 25 or even 31 when I had my first child and was scared ****less. I had no idea what I was doing and I was married to a career officer. It was difficult for me because I had no family nearby and had no idea what I was doing as a first time mother. So no matter how old you are, unless you've helped raise siblings, you have no clue what to expect. I agree that he needs to finish school, as does she. His finishing school first has been decided only because of his GI Bill which will allow them to have an income of some kind. If he were to quit to earn a living, they wouldn't do much better financially. They do have a plan: Until the baby arrives, they will both continue with school full-time (that's one more semester). She's working part-time now and will work full-time in the summer. He will try to do the same. In this State, if you do 2 years at a community college and achieve a 2.0, you are automatically accepted at any 4 year public college. Once he has completed the two years, he will take a short hiatus to go to basic training and AIT so he can be in the National Guard, which will provide them with additional income. Once he's done with training, he'll start at the 4 year college. In the meantime, she will continue to go to school part-time. My feeling is that with the cost of child care, they would just be spending everything she makes for her to work full-time or even part-time. Her focus will be on her part-time classes and the baby. His focus will be on full-time classes and the baby. That way neither of them overextends themselves and they have enough time and energy for the most important things. My role is to provide a roof (with a little bit of financial help from them), some stability, advice when I'm asked, and an occasional chance for them to have a life outside school and the baby.
Oh, and some will try to tell you by helping your son and his girlfriend you are not allowing him to grow up or even enabling him But don't fall for that guilt trip.
Every situation is different and in yours I can see that your son deserves your support. He is in school, he is highly motivated, he is wanting to take responsibility for his child (unlike some who would take the easy way out and just abort the baby), he's willing to work - basically, he's not a deadbeat loser with a drug problem or other issues.
You are not enabling him, you are assisting him and mentoring him - which is what a good parent does when their otherwise good kid gets in over his head. Becoming a man is a process - it takes a few years. No guy turns 18 and is instantly a man. You are wise to continue to mentor him into this next phase of his life. My hat is off to you
Thank you. And no, not falling for anyone's guilt trips, try as they might.
They should get their own place. The best scenario is for them to marry this way his military stipend will now include a family. My DH and I married young, I was 17 and he was 20. We have NEVER lived with anyone. We went out on our own and have struggled and grown because of it. If this happened to my 18 year old daughter she would have to move out and on her own. These are adult decisions and come with adult consequences. You have done a fine job of raising your son, now it's their turn to raise a child....on their own. They are adults now.My .02.
The stipend from the GI Bill doesn't change whether he's married or not. It isn't given to him as a solider, but as a dependent. And the stipend is already based on the BAH for a married E-5. That won't change. And it simply isn't enough for them to afford even a 1 bedroom apartment in the very expensive part of the country. Now, he could take out max student loans on top of the GI Bill (and so could she) and that might give them enough to live a very frugal subsistence on their own. But then they both graduate college with massive student loan debt on top of a family that they hadn't planned for. So long as we get along and they aren't taking advantage of me, I see no harm in them staying here. And believe me, it's very difficult for someone to take advantage of me. I don't play those games.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I get sick to death of people insisting that 18 year old teens are adults. They are of LEGAL AGE TO VOTE, and even then most of them won't make a good decision, but they aren't really "adults" in any realistic sense. 
Congratulations Grammy!
