Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Last night we watched a poorly done movie with Kevin Costner called "The Postman," in which Costner masquerades as a postal carrier in post-apocalyptic America, and by a few accidental words raises the hopes of survivors living under the tyranny of a mad, self-appointed ruler.
We have in queue "The White Crow," the story of Rudolf Nureyev, ballet's most famous star limited by the world of 1950s Leningrad, who escaped to the West in the 50s.
Looking at the two DVD boxes this morning, it occured to me how in the course of our lives, we each have the capacity to lift people up, through our words or our actions, as did the fictional "postman" or the life of Nureyev, through his pursuit of his art as well as his freedom.
Then I look at the world I live in, where so many are creating havoc towards an end I cannot fathom, tearing down their self-perceived "enemies" (whose wrongs seem to be only in the minds of their accusers), and it occurs to me how so few can suppress life's joys for so many, just by their words. We also seem to have capability to give our power to those that cause us harm.
How is it that as a people, we give others so much power over our lives to suppress our innate joy, while at the same time we find our hearts soaring at the subtlest persuasion or encouragement. Are we so fickle, so inconstant in our spirits that we cannot discern what is harmful from what is good, and shut out that which harms? Have we no strength of character?
I am at a loss in observing the world today. It's as if we've lost our compass.
I tend to see this more as a person's influence on themselves, than on others.
A hateful individual may think that they are scoring wounds upon an enemy, but I believe that the greater effect is poisoning of the self. Kindness to others may or may not uplift another person, but it helps me to feel internally healthy to hold focus on that, as the spirit of my engagement with people around me.
I have had men attack me in a rage, and after the initial shock and adrenaline of the encounter wore off, I went on with my life unscathed and not cowed, they didn't "show me" anything but their own lack of self control. They probably went on to have hypertension, if they spend every day working on their next heart attack. I choose not to carry the stress of fear because of a few bad encounters with people in the world, they can't make me.
Which in a sense, I think, is part of the reason why people embrace hostility in thoughts, words and actions...they feel that it gives them power over others, that they can "make" someone feel something. It is the reaction that they are after, they feel motivated to continue until they see it. Or at least until they get a result that lets them imagine it. Imagine how powerless one must feel over their own life, mind, and self...if they live for moments of petty provocation just to feel like they have any effect on the world they exist in...
A person who sits at a computer trolling all day can poison their own energy to a point where the end up perpetually isolated and more bitter by the hour, which is not a healthy way to live. They MIGHT have some sort of impact on other people (if others let them, or if they manage to find a vulnerable enough target) but most who encounter them will be able to shake it off and get on with their lives. It's like I told my ex as our divorce was wrapping up... I told him that I felt sorry for him. Because I don't have to live with him anymore now, but he has to live with himself every single day for the rest of his life. That's gotta be hard. It was too painful a task for me, after all. But I had a choice, and he doesn't. I wished him well, moved on, and am pretty happy overall in my life now. He's wished me ill and has been pretty miserable, though I believe (and I hope) that he is finding some peace and purpose at times, no matter what he says.
It's not uncommon for counselors to assign affirmations for a person to do daily. The idea is that it takes about thirty days to form a habit and you can create your own habit of telling yourself nice things about yourself.
We want to be careful in our thoughts about honesty recognizing our shortcomings and balancing them out with our strengths. We all have both.
The more a person can internalize good thoughts about themselves the more personal power we create. The more personal power we create the stronger our shield against personal unkindness.
I always say to myself, "You only have to feel hurt about it if it's true. Then you'd better check yourself. If it isn't true you can brush it off."
I really like that idea of thinking about what must have happened to cruel people to cause them to act that way.
It's never been easy to realize that some people have been so badly damaged (and probably when they were a helpless child) that everything for them is negative even long after the original abuse has ended. Under the power they are seeking is a tremendous amount of pain and confusion. Even for the diagnosable if you could scratch through enough of the surface.
That doesn't absolve them of bad behavior at all but creating that internal understanding or sympathy goes a long way towards keeping me from retaliation in kind. That's the kind of control from others I fear the most - allowing someone else's behavior to turn me into what I don't like in them.
And, OP, I agree. We never know what a few thoughtful words may do for someone who is feeling down. I love it when we are able to find out we make a difference.
I had one such experience not so long ago. There's a woman who waits on me in a store here with pink hair. I walked in and said, "There's the pink-haired lady who always is such a cheerful greeter." And she burst into tears right there behind the counter.
"What?" I asked. She told me that the day was the anniversary of her mother's death and that her mother had hated her pink hair.
It was only before she died that she told her to go ahead and wear her hair pink if she wanted to, that who knows what kind of joy that may bring to another person. She said my comment had been especially meaningful for her that day.
Gee. I wanted to jump the counter and give her a hug. That made MY day. Who'd have thought such a casual remark could be just right?
Some days I just feel for us all with all the weights of loss and worry we all carry.
I am at a loss in observing the world today. It's as if we've lost our compass.
I was thinking the same thing when I decided to open a thread here on City Data. About our true values in our lives these days. It's in the Spirituality section. In my opinion going back to the basis is really important now. For everyone. To start evaluating one most cherished principles, values etc. Without it, any con artists can come and manipulate you. Quite easily in fact.
I think it's a very important topic. I read the comments here on your thread and I find all of them insightful.
All great replies! Thank you each and every one! There are so many aspects to each post that I not just agree with, but has given me greater perspective.
Sonic_Spork:
... "I tend to see this more as a person's influence on themselves, than on others."
I hadn't thought of it from this viewpoint. I do get an uplift when I have a chance to compliment or encourage someone else, but I now wonder if when someone is critical, or discourages -- do they feel bad?
... "I have had men attack me in a rage, and after the initial shock and adrenaline of the encounter wore off, I went on with my life unscathed and not cowed, they didn't "show me" anything but their own lack of self control. They probably went on to have hypertension, if they spend every day working on their next heart attack. I choose not to carry the stress of fear because of a few bad encounters with people in the world, they can't make me."
Now that you mention this, I am reminded of my (deceased) Aunt Nita. She could be kind, loving, funny ... but when she was in a mood her words could cut you in half, which was only marginally better than when she was intentionally NOT speaking to you. I recall a cousin complaining about how vile she could be, to which I responded: "Yep, she can be awful, but think of it from her perspective: we can walk away, where she is stuck with herself."
... "We can't control other people. Not in any way that truly matters."
True, and I guess since we never know what action will spark a positive thought or action in another, it's probably a good thing.
Lodestar:
... "It's not uncommon for counselors to assign affirmations for a person to do daily."
I used to be a member of the Church of Religious Science; they teach us that affirmations change lives. We are taught, like the Buddhists to examine our lives and our thoughts to find the source of our personal happiness and hell. Their words: "Change your thinking, change your life." I'd forgotten that. Thanks for the reminder.
... "That's the kind of control from others I fear the most - allowing someone else's behavior to turn me into what I don't like in them."
That was profound. I am aware of triggers, but for some reason this informs me that just knowing the trigger is not the same as recognizing the response in kind. Thank you.
... "Some days I just feel for us all with all the weights of loss and worry we all carry."
I like listening to a Buddhist nun that goes by the name Pema Chodron. She teaches that to experience pain is to recognize the pain of the world. In this situation, she prays in thanks that she feels this pain for the lesson, she prays that the world may experience relief from this pain, as she experiences relief from the pain. The inverse is also true. When she feels a positive, she prays that as she feels this good, may the world feel this good.
farm fatale:
... "To start evaluating one most cherished principles, values etc. Without it, any con artists can come and manipulate you. Quite easily in fact."
Yes, I saw that. Thank you for working to bring others that means to such power.
Last night we watched a poorly done movie with Kevin Costner called "The Postman," in which Costner masquerades as a postal carrier in post-apocalyptic America, and by a few accidental words raises the hopes of survivors living under the tyranny of a mad, self-appointed ruler.
We have in queue "The White Crow," the story of Rudolf Nureyev, ballet's most famous star limited by the world of 1950s Leningrad, who escaped to the West in the 50s.
Looking at the two DVD boxes this morning, it occured to me how in the course of our lives, we each have the capacity to lift people up, through our words or our actions, as did the fictional "postman" or the life of Nureyev, through his pursuit of his art as well as his freedom.
Then I look at the world I live in, where so many are creating havoc towards an end I cannot fathom, tearing down their self-perceived "enemies" (whose wrongs seem to be only in the minds of their accusers), and it occurs to me how so few can suppress life's joys for so many, just by their words. We also seem to have capability to give our power to those that cause us harm.
How is it that as a people, we give others so much power over our lives to suppress our innate joy, while at the same time we find our hearts soaring at the subtlest persuasion or encouragement. Are we so fickle, so inconstant in our spirits that we cannot discern what is harmful from what is good, and shut out that which harms? Have we no strength of character?
I am at a loss in observing the world today. It's as if we've lost our compass.
I'll only address (briefly) the one bolded paragraph.
There is a difference between the individual and the masses within any society. The old joke "Who is this 'WE' Kemosabi?" holds true. If you have no identity other than the society and what archetypes are entrancing it at the moment, your question has power. If you are individuated, it has little effect.
In a society, any society, the percentage of people only part way on any path of development is huge. Without wisdom, poor choices are made.
You also make an error in thinking that "the" goal of existence is to have joy. You mention Buddhism, yet seem to have forgotten the concepts of samsara and non-attachment.
Observe, have compassion, tend to your personal begging bowl and let be.
It was not a poorly done movie. After all, it inspired him to write this post!
And it has one of the great movie lines of all time--the mayor, "No. YOU'RE famous."
I think a lot of people do build up others. Its just that regular media has gotten poisonous because it sells. People yelling at each other and talking at each other and no to each other. You see a lot of that. "It bleeds, it leads."
...
You also make an error in thinking that "the" goal of existence is to have joy. You mention Buddhism, yet seem to have forgotten the concepts of samsara and non-attachment.
Observe, have compassion, tend to your personal begging bowl and let be.
Thank you for that reminder. You are correct. My failing is that I get such joy from others joy that I want them to feel joy too, and even joy can be an attachment. I bow to your kind wisdom.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
