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I think I posted about this I another thread, and people thought I was odd or extreme in my opinions, but here goes.
I don't believe that help or assistance is something that should be asked for, but offered.
I will NEVER ask for help, but I will almost always offer help to others.
If I am in need of some kind of help, and I have not asked for it, if someone offers it, I will accept.
I just feel it's rude and intrusive and selfish to ask somebody for something. I also deeply HATE dependence or helplessness in a person. Those are probably the worst traits anyone can have in my book, and something I will make sure I am NEVER accused of. If they offer help, fine. I will jump in and help others all the time, but if they actually ASK me for help, I get resentful, thinking "who do you think you are????"
I know to most people this sounds irrational, but it's how I'm wired. Oh well. Maybe there are a few other people like me.
Examples:
--I once had an apartment in the 3rd floor of a building. I bought a new TV (in the 90s we didn't have flat screens, so it was huge and heavy). I am a small woman, but I lugged that sucker up all those flights of stairs, when neighbors walked by, and some sat on their patio chairs. I would sooner DIE than ask anyone for help. I'm not dependent or helpless. And I would never presume that I am so special that I deserve to inconvenience someone else. One person held the door open for me, and I thanked him. But no one offered to help me carry it, and I didn't ask.
--My boyfriend is a bit helpless about household things. He asks for my help all the time and I resent it greatly (yes, I've told him). But whe it looks like he needs help and he DOESN'T ask, I jump right in and happily help him. You'd think he would learn after all this time to NOT ask like a whining baby amd just demonstrate the need for assistance silently.
--If I see a person struggling to carry stuff while trying to open a door, I'll run over and hold the door for them. If they have the gall to ASK me to hold the door, I either pretend I didn't hear them, or I do it, but very resentfully.
--If I have to get something done to my car, like inspection or something, if it's a day off, I take a book and wait while they do the work. If it is a work day, I'll rent a car for part of the day (car rental places are right next to all the dealerships where I live). That way I can drive myself to work, and not inconvenience anyone. My boyfriend, on the other hand, will schedule his car repair work, and then ask me to drive there and pick him up and bring him home, or if it's a work day, he'll want to drive me to work in my car, and then take my car to his job, which is farther away. Then I have to get done work whenever he's ready, we go get his car, and then I drive my car home. All that can be avoided if he would just rent a stinking car for a half a day. And if it's a Saturday, heaven forbid he could just take a book to read and sit there for a few hours. No, he must have me bring him home and then drive him back. Ugh. His whole family is like that, so I see where he gets it. It's always "can I ask a favor?" "I need, I need, I neeeeed." Helplessness and neediness are so SELFISH.
--I also find so many people at work to be needy and helpless. Too many people ask a question about info they could easily look up themselves. Too many people ask for help with this or help with that. Ugh. If I see someone struggling with some task, I'll offer help. But when they come whining in need, I'm sickened.
so true when you go to the hospital or if your car get stuck most peoples have a friend to take them or help them that's the only thing. i just use Triple A
That's another one (flat tire) where people tell me I should have called them. But to me, I have Triple A, I had a sheltered from the elements place to wait for Triple A, so I didn't see the need to make anyone go out of their way.
When it comes to giving help, I don't mind as long as the person isn't overly demanding. Though if it's someone who consistently doesn't offer to help when I need help or gives me a hard time when I ask for help, I start finding excuses to be busy when they need help.
I dont have a hard time asking for help...what I really have a hard time with is going to ask for more hours and they look at me as if I am asking for help...
I always leave thinking that geez give me credit for wanting to work..
I am full time and expect 40 hours even though my company thinks it is full time at 32.
So when a new manager gets over the schedule and cuts me down to 32.
I think this is very common. I certainly have it. I've also heard many toddlers respond, when someone offers to help them, "Me do it myself!", so I think it may be innate to some degree.
I'm always quick to help others, whether the help is asked for or not, as it's a great high giving to others, feeling needed, and I have to ask myself why I'm so selfish when it comes to asking for help, giving others the opportunity to feel needed, and getting that high that comes from assisting others.
I guess I put too much analysis into it, and caution, fearing the assister is going to be one of these people who has an elephantine memory, and never forgets he helped me, and expects a return favor some day.
When I help others, I don't want anything in return. I received my high from helping that person, so why would I mentally log in a You-owe-me-one memo for that person? My caution also comes from negative past experiences with "giving barterers", quick to give but will never forget the favor they did for you!
In the meantime, I continue to err on the side of caution!
I'm always quick to help others, whether the help is asked for or not, as it's a great high giving to others, feeling needed, and I have to ask myself why I'm so selfish when it comes to asking for help, giving others the opportunity to feel needed, and getting that high that comes from assisting others.
Some people, like you, like feeling needed. Some people, like me, do not have a need to be needed. I help people (when they don't ask) because it seems to be the right and decent thing to do, and because I later feel good--not because I was "needed" but because I chose to do something good. To me, the "needed" part is a negative.
Even in relationships, I am with someone because I want to be and choose to be, not because I need to be. I find the "need" distasteful. If my boyfriend wants my assistance with something, I'm more likely to jump in and help if he says nothing, or if he says he'd like my help. But when he says "I need your help" I will feel annoyed and even disgusted at times. Likewise with others in my life. Start off a sentence with "I need you..." and you're sure to make me NOT want to help you and to get far away from you.
If someone seems to be in need of help, I'll help, but it's despite the need, not because of it. The "need" piece is a turn-off to me.
So giving others the opportunity to feel needed might be a "gift" to some people, but a "curse" to others.
Location: Danbury CT covering all of Fairfield County
2,639 posts, read 7,441,647 times
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I never ask people for help unless its really important. I am used to do everything myself, so I find way to get it done. Most people that I work with are regularly me for help since I know what's going on, how to fix things and to cover for them side I have the least responsibilities among everyone. It can be annoying At times. I cant really think of anything they can or could do for me.
I think I posted about this I another thread, and people thought I was odd or extreme in my opinions, but here goes.
I don't believe that help or assistance is something that should be asked for, but offered.
I will NEVER ask for help, but I will almost always offer help to others.
If I am in need of some kind of help, and I have not asked for it, if someone offers it, I will accept.
I just feel it's rude and intrusive and selfish to ask somebody for something. I also deeply HATE dependence or helplessness in a person. Those are probably the worst traits anyone can have in my book, and something I will make sure I am NEVER accused of. If they offer help, fine. I will jump in and help others all the time, but if they actually ASK me for help, I get resentful, thinking "who do you think you are????"
I know to most people this sounds irrational, but it's how I'm wired. Oh well. Maybe there are a few other people like me.
Examples:
--I once had an apartment in the 3rd floor of a building. I bought a new TV (in the 90s we didn't have flat screens, so it was huge and heavy). I am a small woman, but I lugged that sucker up all those flights of stairs, when neighbors walked by, and some sat on their patio chairs. I would sooner DIE than ask anyone for help. I'm not dependent or helpless. And I would never presume that I am so special that I deserve to inconvenience someone else. One person held the door open for me, and I thanked him. But no one offered to help me carry it, and I didn't ask.
--My boyfriend is a bit helpless about household things. He asks for my help all the time and I resent it greatly (yes, I've told him). But whe it looks like he needs help and he DOESN'T ask, I jump right in and happily help him. You'd think he would learn after all this time to NOT ask like a whining baby amd just demonstrate the need for assistance silently.
--If I see a person struggling to carry stuff while trying to open a door, I'll run over and hold the door for them. If they have the gall to ASK me to hold the door, I either pretend I didn't hear them, or I do it, but very resentfully.
--If I have to get something done to my car, like inspection or something, if it's a day off, I take a book and wait while they do the work. If it is a work day, I'll rent a car for part of the day (car rental places are right next to all the dealerships where I live). That way I can drive myself to work, and not inconvenience anyone. My boyfriend, on the other hand, will schedule his car repair work, and then ask me to drive there and pick him up and bring him home, or if it's a work day, he'll want to drive me to work in my car, and then take my car to his job, which is farther away. Then I have to get done work whenever he's ready, we go get his car, and then I drive my car home. All that can be avoided if he would just rent a stinking car for a half a day. And if it's a Saturday, heaven forbid he could just take a book to read and sit there for a few hours. No, he must have me bring him home and then drive him back. Ugh. His whole family is like that, so I see where he gets it. It's always "can I ask a favor?" "I need, I need, I neeeeed." Helplessness and neediness are so SELFISH.
--I also find so many people at work to be needy and helpless. Too many people ask a question about info they could easily look up themselves. Too many people ask for help with this or help with that. Ugh. If I see someone struggling with some task, I'll offer help. But when they come whining in need, I'm sickened.
I don't think that it's odd because I guess I am wired the same way. Maybe it wasn't in the healthiest way, but I learned to be self-reliant and do things myself, and if I absolutely could not, to have the money to pay for the service I need or to compensate the other person for their trouble. Then I don't feel as though I am burdening someone or creating a debt for myself.
Like you, I feel it's one thing if help is offered, and another if you ask someone for help. What I find distasteful is not only when people feel free to ask for help (especially for things that they can very well do themselves, if they so chose), but when they feel entitled to such help. Not too long ago, I went out with a friend of mine to a local bar, and one of the guys there asked my friend for a ride home. When she didn't immediately jump up to take him home, he actually got upset about it. What on earth is that about? Especially since he was there before we were and had no way of knowing that we were going to show up. Who did he think was going to take him home if we went somewhere else that night?
I should mention that I am not referring to extremes (like if someone was in serious trouble and needed me to call 911 for example). I am referring to people who ask for help for something that they should really be providing for themselves. "Your failure to plan is not my emergency" comes to mind.
I have a hard time asking for help. I feel like I am putting someone out if I ask for their help. Like, "why should they help me out, they have things to do."
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asking for help
