Is, like, something wrong with me? (therapy, college, emotion, people)
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I'm so scattered in everything I do. I can't keep anything straight. Least of all, my wants for the future. I'm young, so perhaps that's what's wrong. Everyday, every hour it seems, I want to do something else with my life. Or maybe do something else first...I want to do A. In the next hour, it's B. Before long, it's C. I cycle the alphabet, even adding subscripts, and that's how I perceive my future. I've wanted to be a chef, pilot, soldier, ngo manager, accountant, surgeon, writer, play write, corporate spy, and probably 10+ things in the last week alone. In the meantime, my life is a mess. I'm so close to finishing college, but I have no desire to. I'm regretting ever going, but spilled milk is irrecoverable, as they say. As it is, I might as well finish, but I'm in no rush. I'm 22, and I'm 5 classes away from getting a degree in philosophy. I don't want to work...not in any societally acceptable way, so it seems. In the meantime, I'm burdening others in my life as I have no other way I'm able to survive. I should get a job, the truth is, I don't want a job. Still, I apply for them, hoping I don't get hired. I don't want to work...quite simply. I'd rather just...exist.
A part of me thinks my time is up. Another part of me is holding out for a family. However I don't think a family should be responsible for giving me a reason to believe my time isn't up. I very nearly made that mistake last year, this year I'm regretting not making it. I don't know what to do anymore...people walk the earth as if they're happy, I guess this is a good thing...why shouldn't they be happy? If I ask myself if I'm happy, I do not know how to answer the question. The response I get back is "I'm doing what I need to do". I don't know what that is, this? This isn't going to lead to any type of future. I can very well see myself dying doing this...at the most, I'd be burdening others with my existence.
I've thought about going to jail because my leech ways wouldn't be immediately perceivable in that situation. But, what a waste of a life. I owe it to those who allowed all this to be true to not just waste it. But, everything I do seems like nothing but a waste to me. It's not like I don't have the ability to make it different, I know for a fact that I can. But, for what purpose? It's like the question always asked by actors and actresses about their character's motivation. What is mine? A part of me thinks that question must be asked in jest, for they must know that there is no motivation...other than to just survive. Time is passing, to my death I spiral. All the while, I wonder, what is wrong with me?
It's like I perceive the world around me to be in a constant free fall...like everything is going to the dogs. Yet, I have a singular, perception shall we call, that is more reasonable...."everything is going to be ok, just relax"....yet how can it know that? It can't....first of all, obviously, not everything is going to be ok...it's obvious that one thing will change...and to that it has no answer. So, it's like, defeated...it's invalid in that case...which leads me to suspect that it's invalid in all cases...which leads me to conclude that world is going to the dogs...but really, not everyone thinks so, and they live their lives with that belief, in either ignorance, or more likely, a level of sanity not accessible to me...
idk
Last edited by dub dub II; 11-30-2012 at 06:37 AM..
I'm not sure what's wrong with you, but I can think of three things you might try, any or all of which would help you settle these questions:
1.) Therapy, paid for with your own money.
2.) Homelessness.
3.) Enlistment. Personally, I would recommend either the Navy or the Coast Guard, but really any branch would do.
I'm not sure what's wrong with you, but I can think of three things you might try, any or all of which would help you settle these questions:
1.) Therapy, paid for with your own money.
2.) Homelessness.
3.) Enlistment. Personally, I would recommend either the Navy or the Coast Guard, but really any branch would do.
Hmm.
1) I'm not in a position to do that..
2) I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that wouldn't allow that to happen to me. It'd half to be voluntary...but, who knows? Maybe it'd knock some sense in me, I sense that I need it...and I'm not getting it.
3) Maybe. I'll think about it, if they'd have me. But, I'd need to finish school first...it makes no sense to not do so before...but, those are plans that will change in the next hour or so...enough to not take them seriously.
You are an excellent writer. How about trying to get a job writing?
At least that will pay the bills while you are deciding what to do...
Also writing is not limited to newspapers... There is also local TV news (someone needs to write what they say), radio, things like "hazard mitigation research" reports for a City, County, or State, manufacturers need someone to write those instruction manuals, etc.
Newspapers are always trying to attract young readers. Many young people feel the same as you do. Perhaps you could write a "negative outlook for young people" column for a newspaper? Have young people write in and say how terrible and pointless their lives are! And just point out to the newspaper that this is what many young people feel these days. Stories like that are going to get them to read their newspaper, etc.
Newspapers are in BAD shape these days. They need help - need to know how and via what media (web, cell phone, print) to get people to read their newspaper.
Make an appointment to talk with a newspaper publisher. They might just welcome you with open arms!
Hmm.
1) I'm not in a position to do that..
2) I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that wouldn't allow that to happen to me. It'd half to be voluntary...but, who knows? Maybe it'd knock some sense in me, I sense that I need it...and I'm not getting it.
3) Maybe. I'll think about it, if they'd have me. But, I'd need to finish school first...it makes no sense to not do so before...but, those are plans that will change in the next hour or so...enough to not take them seriously.
Yeah, that's kind of where I was going with all those suggestions.
Therapy may help you understand why you're drifting and unfocused; the money requirement is so you don't simply sit there wasting other people's time and money. Homelessness would make it very painful and miserable for you to remain drifting and unfocused for very long, and pain and misery can be powerful motivators. And the military provides a structure that gives you direction and focus whether you want it or not.
Sounds more like the OP is bragging rather than complaining. The sense I get is that he wants everyone to know that he can do whatever he wants and there is little or nothing anyone can do to cause him to do something different. "I'm so free and unfettered and I just don't know what to do...and noone can do a THING about it." as it were.
A definition for a pathology might be ----those expressions which interfere with the individual conducting their life in the fashion in which they have chosen. Our OP is scattered and rathermuch seems to like it that way.
Sounds more like the OP is bragging rather than complaining. The sense I get is that he wants everyone to know that he can do whatever he wants and there is little or nothing anyone can do to cause him to do something different. "I'm so free and unfettered and I just don't know what to do...and noone can do a THING about it." as it were.
A definition for a pathology might be ----those expressions which interfere with the individual conducting their life in the fashion in which they have chosen. Our OP is scattered and rathermuch seems to like it that way.
So...whats the problem?
FWIW.
I was just about to post a thread about not being sure I can do what I think I might be able to do, but then, you've just answered that. My question is, why do I always reflect what is around me? I watch football, I want to be a football player, I watch the news, I want to be a social analyst, I watch House, I want to be a doctor....
Is what you choose to become a choice you make, or a choice that is made by your subconscious?
I'm not sure what's wrong with you, but I can think of three things you might try, any or all of which would help you settle these questions:
1.) Therapy, paid for with your own money.
2.) Homelessness.
3.) Enlistment. Personally, I would recommend either the Navy or the Coast Guard, but really any branch would do.
Why do you guys always tell the nut cases to join the military? If his behaviors are accurately presented he wouldn't get past the psych evals, which would create another self worth crisis within his psyche.
You're at a crossroads in your life. 22 is a hard age. Too old to be a teenager, too young to really be a grown up. Don't really know what to do in your life but see many of those around you that seem to have it all "figured out." Maybe you had a really good high school experience and miss it? Maybe you had an ideal career when you were younger and it fell through or is no longer interesting?
Why not try to get a travel visa and go somewhere for a year, work while you're there. Experience a new culture, make some friends, live it up, find yourself. A friend of mine went through the exact spiral of emotions you're experiencing and spent 2 years in Australia which was absolutely the best thing for her.
Just something to consider.
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