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I have a tendancy to be defensive at times which makes people hesitant around me. I don't like being like that. If someone make a joke I can usually take it. But at times I take it so damn personally.id I do try to laugh at myself, it gets exhausting and I give off vibes that I'm annoyed. It really annoys me and I know I can be insecure . Does anyone know how to not be like this. I
Working in an environment with really boisterous people who tease one another back and forth a lot will kind of 'toughen up' someone once they see that really, truly, everybody teases everybody else, bar none.
That is, as long as thy're all basically resilient to begin with, and the joking goes back and forth evenhandedly, with no actually cruelty or intent to harm.
If you feel like you are taking a disproportionate share of the razzing, and it is cruel in nature, however, that can be outright bullying.
Or, if you feel like you're getting your 'fair share' of good natured teasing, but that you are taking it harder than others, then it is reasonable to start down the road of finding out about why you take it more seriously than others, and work on gaining a stronger sense of resiliency.
One on one counselling with a licensed therapist about how you are struggling to deal with either good natured back and forth banter, or with getting bullied is a good approach. Whether they are bullies, or you are insecure -- that's important to talk through and reason things out. The two problems are different, but you will gain strength and insight either way with a good counsellor with whom you feel you can talk things through.
Do you engage in negative self talk? If you do try and break that cycle. Or you could try and incorporate the fact that sometimes you are defensive into your sense of humor with phrases like "you know how I get." I said to someone once "stop picking on my, you know I was raised on circular logic and emotional reasoning. I lose my mind when someone disagrees with me." I think just the fact that you are self aware about this means you have a really good shot of overcoming it.
Edit to add funny anecdote: There is a guy at my work. He is pretty quite and will talk to you but won't look directly at you. I asked him one day if he wanted to stop and have a drink with a few of us after work. His response was "No. I hate people." Just the deadpan way he said it was hilarious. He is actually a really nice guy so I highly doubts he hates anyone. He exaggerated himself and it was funny. He did not show up to the bar however.
Last edited by L8Gr8Apost8; 01-17-2016 at 05:13 PM..
I can remember being a teenager and going through a similar time when everything said in a joking way was seen by me as unfunny and personal.
I am not qualified in any way to give advice but I think it may be a confidence issue. Look up Emotional Freedom Technique and see if that might help. It is free, DIY and simple to use and may help with getting to the bottom of the strong feelings of defensiveness.
I have a tendancy to be defensive at times which makes people hesitant around me. I don't like being like that. If someone make a joke I can usually take it. But at times I take it so damn personally.id I do try to laugh at myself, it gets exhausting and I give off vibes that I'm annoyed. It really annoys me and I know I can be insecure . Does anyone know how to not be like this. I
I can take a joke and usually make one of myself, as it's all good fun and shows others you can have a laugh .
If things get to you or if someone goes to far just be condescending and agree with them,but don't do it appearing defensive but do it smiling ........... They will get very wound up and annoyed that they are not getting a rise out of you LOL
Before you can laugh at yourself, you have to learn to love yourself, flaws and all. If you get defensive when someone makes a joke, to me it means you feel shame about whatever flaw everyone is joking about. I find my flaws funny, because I recognize they are only a small part of me and they are actually part of ME. For instance I am very ADHD, and I forget everything in 10 seconds, including people's names...I usually make the joke first, when people laugh at my antics, and say "Blonde is not just a hair color!" or something like that.
If you work to get rid of the shame you feel, you won't get defensive anymore and will be able to laugh at your foibles in a healthy way.
Not to sound conceited but I am funnier/quicker in person than most people, so if someone does say something stupid I'll either decide to play along or make the other person look like a fool. I tend to do the former, because I'm not really a jerk.
And that just came from making people laugh, being an only child and wanting attention.
I used to be very sarcastic so I know what buttons to push, but luckily I'm not nearly as bad as I was when I was younger.
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I only get tired and exhausted around unfunny people, and it kinda sounds like the OP needs a new group to hang out with.
I was an insufferable prankster and teaser in middle school and high school. I remember two guys who were no fun at all to bother. One was a kid who could give it right back to me and another kid who I seemed to never be able to get a rise out of no matter how hard I tried. If you are showing that you are uncomfortable that will make you a target. Always say something back, don't try to think of something clever, just don't get personal. ( like saying yer' mom) Saying something back will be a quick release of tension for you at the moment you need it. I wouldn't advise laughing along, shake your head, roll your eyes, or give 'em a smirk. Eventually you will have an arsenal of some choice comebacks because the jokes will get old and tired fast.
Last edited by thriftylefty; 01-25-2016 at 02:37 PM..
One way to defuse this sort of thing is to get to it first.
When I was in high school, my crazy, curly, thick hair wouldn't do ANYTHING like all the popular hairstyles and popular people who wore them. I had really stupid looking hair. And I knew it. In jr high it was so painful to me to be made fun of that I actually wore a hat most of my 8th grade year. I absolutely hated my hair. And of course someone would come along, grab my hat off, and then my hair looked worse than ever.
So we moved that summer and I started in a new school system the next year. And I decided to take this bull by the horns and beat people to the punch about my crazy "white afro" hair. I would say, "Hi, I'm Kathryn - the girl with a squirrel who lives in her hair," or "Hi, I'm Kathryn - and if you're missing a comb it may be lost in my hair somewhere."
Get this - the jokes dried almost completely up. Not totally - people would occasionally make a joke about my hair and I'm not going to lie and say that I loved it - but somehow if I was laughing about it first, it defused a lot of stuff.
I think some people have a way of figuring out exactly what other people are insecure about and going for the jugular. It's normal for that to be hurtful. But it's more healthy to address our insecurities and put them into perspective.
I have great hair now. It was probably great then - just not particularly in style. But it was easier to deal with when I didn't let on that I hated it.
Hope this helps.
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