How common is "impending doom" in childless single women at 30? (anxiety, men)

[Yiuppy]

I'm turning 30 next week, and I always had anxiety about becoming 30 years old and don't have a stable livelihood yet; that includes wanting a family someday. But I don't even have any decent person who cares about me to date yet, much less a husband father figure. No home to raise a family in, and no career yet to financially live upon. I have feelings of impending doom and panic over whether my life will come together enough in time. I feel like I'm in a race against the end of the peak fertile period in my life and nothing is moving fast enough. This causes me a lot of feeling heaviness inside as if I'm going to hyperventilate when I think about it.

I know that many women are still able to have children well into their 30s and even their 40s, and rarely someone in their golden ages will even give birth, too. But I don't want to be 40 years older than my first child. I was adopted to a woman who was 45 years older than me when I was a newborn, and it is too much of a burden to make a child have elderly parents when they're in their 20s. I just don't want to be that old. I want to have some vitality with them and dance at their wedding and help with moving them into their first home, and enjoy family vacations together even when they're into their 30s., absent some horrible disease or debilitating injury.

It gives me panic that I'll never be able to do these things if something doesn't happen soon. I also feel guilt and sadness that I'm increasing the risk of my children having a disability if I wait too long after age 30 to have any. Nearly everyone else already has children, married or are getting married, is moving up in life and doing the things they enjoy doing and I'm not yet. I just feel so left behind and deprived of a life.

I was just wondering how common this feeling is as every month rolls around and you still have a dead egg and going through everything it is being a woman, menses included, and have nothing to show for it by the 30s.

I'm sorry in advance if anyone finds this offensive but it is a genuine concern that I have and can't really sugarcoat and pretend that I'm a happy person being single with no kids at 30. And as an adopted child, I don't prefer to adopt. I want a biological family.

[Katnan]

Awww, it's not offensive to be approaching a milestone birthday and worried for the things you haven't yet accomplished.

The lead-up to 30 was awful, hated it, but when I woke up and it was truly just another day, I got over it. The milestone does make you take stock of where you are, and it's hard not to look at all the things you'd hoped to do and haven't done yet.

My biggest suggestion is not to panic, and try to look at the individual steps you're taking rather than the whole staircase. What are you doing right now, today, that will lead you to your goals? What can be changed and improved upon to help you get to where you want to be?

Also, please, whatever you do, don't take "just anyone" in your efforts to find a spouse and create a family. Finding someone to share your life with cannot be forced, and don't settle for someone you don't want, simply because you want children soon.

I can't speak to adoption like you can, but is it entirely out of the question? There are no guarantees in life that we are all able to reproduce. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Maybe the man you decide to share your life with can't.

And as someone who survived 30, just as I know you will, maybe it will help to know you're not alone, you're not the only person going through this. There are millions of people who aren't feeling quite settled by 30 like they always thought they would be. Life doesn't follow one script for everyone, we all have to write our own. Focus on the good, and focus on taking steps every day to get you where you want to be. Deep breaths.

[Marlow]

I understand what you're saying. When I was in my late 20's I wasn't dating anyone "marriageable" and simply had no idea what the future would bring. I did decide that if I didn't marry I would adopt at some point, because I wanted a family.

I ended up meeting my husband when I was 34 and having a baby when I was 36. Just because you can't see it at this point doesn't mean it won't happen. I know from some of your other posts that you're in a tough living and job situation right now. Try to focus on getting your life together in those aspects to put yourself in a better position to care for a family when you have one.

And like Liberty said, try not to feel so desperate that you're at risk for starting a relationship with someone who won't treat you or a baby well just because you're anxious to get started. You would probably end up regretting that.

Another thing I told myself when I was about your age, was that the days were going to pass whether or not I was in a relationship and whether or not I had a family, and it was up to me to make the best of them. You have to remember to live now, as well as hope for better things in the future.

Good luck to you.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by Yiuppy

I'm turning 30 next week, and I always had anxiety about becoming 30 years old and don't have a stable livelihood yet; that includes wanting a family someday. But I don't even have any decent person who cares about me to date yet, much less a husband father figure. No home to raise a family in, and no career yet to financially live upon. I have feelings of impending doom and panic over whether my life will come together enough in time. I feel like I'm in a race against the end of the peak fertile period in my life and nothing is moving fast enough. This causes me a lot of feeling heaviness inside as if I'm going to hyperventilate when I think about it.

I know that many women are still able to have children well into their 30s and even their 40s, and rarely someone in their golden ages will even give birth, too. But I don't want to be 40 years older than my first child. I was adopted to a woman who was 45 years older than me when I was a newborn, and it is too much of a burden to make a child have elderly parents when they're in their 20s. I just don't want to be that old. I want to have some vitality with them and dance at their wedding and help with moving them into their first home, and enjoy family vacations together even when they're into their 30s., absent some horrible disease or debilitating injury.

It gives me panic that I'll never be able to do these things if something doesn't happen soon. I also feel guilt and sadness that I'm increasing the risk of my children having a disability if I wait too long after age 30 to have any. Nearly everyone else already has children, married or are getting married, is moving up in life and doing the things they enjoy doing and I'm not yet. I just feel so left behind and deprived of a life.

I was just wondering how common this feeling is as every month rolls around and you still have a dead egg and going through everything it is being a woman, menses included, and have nothing to show for it by the 30s.

I'm sorry in advance if anyone finds this offensive but it is a genuine concern that I have and can't really sugarcoat and pretend that I'm a happy person being single with no kids at 30. And as an adopted child, I don't prefer to adopt. I want a biological family.

Who are you showing what to and why?
The fact that you are not quite 30 years old means you are not quite 30 years old.
Other things were apparantly more important to attain in your youth and there is no shame in that.
Why do you feel left behind and deprived of a life? Are you listening to your friends tell you how terrible it is that you aren't married with 6 kids already? Are you reading all the blah blah from the "experts" who know better than you how you should live your life.
Is your self worth hinged on what others think you should be doing?
Can't you just be grateful you have another day to live?
At the end of each day everyone should be grateful they lived through that day and when they wake up the next morning they should be grateful they actually woke up.

[willow wind]

Great post by Liberty2011 above.

Yiuppy, please take to heart the suggestion to do things one step at a time rather than the staircase. Wonderful way to phrase that, Liberty.

Yiuppy, right now your life is very difficult.You have no where of your own to live, no viable job. You can't yet take care of yourself, much less a child. And you have the horrible mess with your family.

Take things one controllable goal at a time. Shelter wherever you can safely for now. Step one--- Work on job skills,then getting a job that pays a living wage. Step two---Once employed,then you find a decent place of your own to live.

Then step three- looking for someone to settle down with.

You're overwhelmed because you have too many thoughts running through your mind. For the next 1-2 years, work on steps# 1 & 2. There is still plenty of time to have children. You need to lay a foundation in your life that is not there yet.

[Billy_J]

I have a different outlook than those above...

Life is not always storybook perfect - so make plans to have a kid by yourself if necessary. And do that by any means you can.

I would go hang around a university (bars) and find a tall good looking smart guy - say "Hey, want to party?"

Who knows, maybe he will hang around after the first night?

Then another thing to consider is the lottery - if you don't enter, you can't possibly win! Same with dating. If you are not going out, you don't walk around your neighborhood, never go to community meetings, don't volunteer for things where there are other people (men), then you will NOT meet Mr. Special!

So turn off the TV and go out for a walk - say Hi to your neighbors! Join a volunteer group! (Habitat for Humanity has construction worker types - handy around the house!)

[Pamina333]

Dear Yiuppy,

I know it is easier said than done but PLEASE don't be impulsive? Everywhere around me, people who settled just to settle, they can't even stand each other.
Only advice I can give is, focus on, or find, something you love. Whether music or... even some sort of sport. Enjoy yourself first, find an OUTLET, something you are passionate about, and like-minded people, kindered spirits should soon follow. "It comes with the territory!!"

Originally Posted by Billy_J

I would go hang around a university (bars) and find a tall good looking smart guy - say "Hey, want to party?"

I love reading your posts but may I respectfully disagree with the bolded?

"Good looking" is very subjective. VERY, IMO. And as far as the "tall", there are too many wonderfully sublime, GREAT men under 5'7". You just never know...