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But with what she's been through on a personal level, she plays this strong game and refuses to go to therapy for herself. I don't see how with whatever issues she has inside of her, why she avoids personal therapy. At least that's my viewpoint since I believe in personal therapy to help guide me through my own life, when needed. My logic says she needs it.
I'm not deeply depressed (although I am depressed). I'm having marriage difficulties. I am partner in my company yet not satisfied. I'm not happy.
Why is the mind so capable of looking at what's in front of it, and finding more negatives than positives, and making ones life feel unhappy because those negatives appear stronger than the positives? It sucks.
My situation has some differences and some similarities. The difference is that my wife and 17 and 18 year old sons are delightful and I am trying not to make them miserable. My job situation is worse than yours; I've been asked to leave as of December 31.
The last few years have been utter tumult and I am not holding up as well as I should.
At the end of 2012 our previously independent firm merged into a larger firm in White Plains. My senior colleague, who I'd been with for almost 27 years at that point, did not get along with the leadership at the new firm. On November 15, 2013 he had a row with one of them which ended in fingers being pointed towards eyes, shouting and foul language. Days later, a few days before Thanksgiving, my stepfather of almost 40 years (my own father died in early 1973) went into Greenwich Hospital after a fall, and developing incontinence. A week or so later he was transferred to rehab and died on December 24, 2013. Christmas Eve is not the problem since I'm Jewish.
However, at the same time my senior colleague of 28 years and I, after that November 15 blowup, moved to another firm in New York City with a start date of January 1, 2014. My mother's gradual decline steepened drastically around then and she was put on hospice on February 16. All of this marred what should have been a great start at a nice new firm.
I was given notice in July for the end of the year, and now am searching for a job. The combination of the holidays, the overall cheer and my total gloom are making me miserable. It is all I can do not to depress my loving wife and 17 and 18 year old sons.
I am just too miserable even to go out for the runs that used to lift my spirit. Nothing makes me happy any more. Even a morning visit to a psychologist I know this morning (he agreed to come in on Sunday) didn't help. I'm at a loss.
You can never find happiness while you are going through the issues with your wife. Until your marriage sees some movement and resolution you will continue to feel like you do. When a very long term marriage like yours goes belly up your whole world is touched in some way or another. The only thing you can do at the moment is live in the moment, try to enjoy the small things, a hot bath, a good exercise workout, playing golf or whatever you like doing.
I personally would give your wife a time limit for working out her issues and making the decision to reconcile or divorce. Living with indefiniteness and the unknown takes a huge toll on your emotions and your psychological well being. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses, deal with the pain and move on. By giving this separation a time limit you are also taking some control back. That will help as well, having no control over your life is a very scary and anxiety inducing place to be in.
Finally, happiness is a fleeting feeling, easily bruised by life. I find that it's much more helpful to aim for inner peace and contentment, that way life is happening all around you, sometimes completely out of your control due to the actions of others, but inside you maintain a zen-like calmness.
I don't have an answer to your question, but maybe this might help someone who is looking at this thread.
I suffer from depression and anxiety, and right now I'm going through some worrisome and relatively large challenges that do not make for general satisfaction with my life, but even so, I do have my small happy moments. I would not presume to say that I know what the answer is for you, but I did have a therapist once who recommended one thing that sounded so inane to me, but that over the years, has actually worked pretty well.
She told me that whatever small thing I need to have around me to feel good, I should make sure that I have that around me all the time. She used an example from her own life, saying that she personally likes to have neat, polished fingernails, and it bothers her when she looks down and sees chipped nail polish, so she makes sure she always has polish remover pads and nail polish handy. It is such a small, insignificant thing, but keeping these things around eliminated one little aggravation and made her feel as though she had that one thing under control, and honestly, sometimes all you can control around you are the small things.
I realized that for me, a few of these small things are a good book, fresh clean clothes to wear at all times, a bedroom that even though it is not fancy, I keep neat and inviting so I can lie down for a nap without seeing a mess around me, and some good quality tea so that I can make myself a cup whenever I want. These are so small that I would not have thought they make a difference, but having these little comforts in my life helps me to feel happier on a day to day basis. It isn't always the big things that make us the happiest.
Fabulous post.
Yes, having a few small "things" around us that make us happy, and then focusing on those positive things and being grateful for them (I say this as a not particularly religious person).
You can never find happiness while you are going through the issues with your wife. Until your marriage sees some movement and resolution you will continue to feel like you do. When a very long term marriage like yours goes belly up your whole world is touched in some way or another. The only thing you can do at the moment is live in the moment, try to enjoy the small things, a hot bath, a good exercise workout, playing golf or whatever you like doing.
I personally would give your wife a time limit for working out her issues and making the decision to reconcile or divorce. Living with indefiniteness and the unknown takes a huge toll on your emotions and your psychological well being. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses, deal with the pain and move on. By giving this separation a time limit you are also taking some control back. That will help as well, having no control over your life is a very scary and anxiety inducing place to be in.
Finally, happiness is a fleeting feeling, easily bruised by life. I find that it's much more helpful to aim for inner peace and contentment, that way life is happening all around you, sometimes completely out of your control due to the actions of others, but inside you maintain a zen-like calmness.
Excellent.
Yep, learning to savor and take joy in the small, seemingly insignificant tasks/events in life. A good cup of coffee on a weekend morning. Slowly making a nice pot of soup for dinner. Puttering around in the garage repairing something. Whatever.
And, yes, exercise is essential. Everything the experts say about exercise it true. If you find you have the energy for nothing else, at least force yourself to go outdoors for a walk/run/hike or whatever form of exercise your mood requires. I know that when one is depressed, it's hard to find the energy or motivation to do anything, but that is one thing you MUST force yourself to do.
Of course exercise won't solve your problems. But, without fail, it will elevate your mood and give you a more optimistic perspective. Maybe only until the next day, in which case you get up and do it again.
A lot of wise posts here.
The OP 'should' thank everyone.
And I don't say 'should'. Haha!
It would help him to give, and, thus, help get out of depression even a little. Giving always does.
I would ask rhetorically, metalmancpa, have you given even one rep to
anyone and everyone here that has tried to offer help?
Such a simple click.
If not...there's too much of focus on 'self'...and when depressed...that is a disaster.
Understand this isn't about reps, hahaha! Or to answer me here...ask your self
and then, see how it feels...if you haven't.
It starts with a kindly thought of gratitude...hang onto that feeling and during
this Christmas season, especially, start getting out of your
problems and start giving...even it is in a pot at a storefront...and whatever
you start to put in that pot ...double it...it is therapy.
I mean it it works.
This is for any depressed people reading this actually, not just focusing on Mr. MM CPA.
I'm not deeply depressed (although I am depressed). I'm having marriage difficulties. I am partner in my company yet not satisfied. I'm not happy.
Why is the mind so capable of looking at what's in front of it, and finding more negatives than positives, and making ones life feel unhappy because those negatives appear stronger than the positives? It sucks.
You said you can't find it "anymore", which implies that you once were happy. What has changed? What is different now from back when you WERE happy?
My situation has some differences and some similarities.
The difference is that my wife and 17 and 18 year old sons are delightful and I am
trying not to make them miserable.
My job situation is worse than yours; I've been asked to leave as of December 31.
I am just too miserable even to go out for the runs that used to lift my spirit.
Nothing makes me happy any more.
I'm at a loss.
I am so sorry for your external situation, jbg.
You are at a wonderful crossroads...commonly
known as a pressure cooker! Hang in there.
First thing's first....the last people you want to make miserable are your family.
They are your stronghold of love and support...do not alienate them.
Today! Pretend, be an actor for one day...just fake it...be nice...that means start simple:
be complimentary to start...
simply say...'That color looks nice on you, honey'...tell the kids one thing nice about themselves...
I don't care if it is, Thanks for putting that back, fake a smile...
any little thing you can muster that is KIND.
All day, do this. Do not let one word of negativity out of your mouth...not one!
Then, see the reactions on their faces towards you. Notice how you feel.
This alone will inspire you to try it another day...as an experiment, tell yourself.
Ok, 'nothing makes you happy anymore', got it...but, that doesn't mean you can't
make someone else a little happier.
This attitude will be like a magnet and things will start coming your way. A fact.
Said by a quadraplegic, previously a professional photographer, now deceased...from Time mag:
"I would be the happiest man if I could only swallow my own saliva."
How old are you? Did you get married too young? Do you have kids? Are you secretly in love with someone else?
I don't have marriage problems, not least because I am single But as I get older I notice that a lot of people are not happy. Being happy is not a state, but an event Like a snowflake. It is beautiful while it is there, but once it is molten it is just boring water again.
Maybe we are expecting too much from life. Always hoping and waiting for that perfect relationship, the perfect job, etc. When in reality most people just muddle their way through life...
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Or to answer me here...ask your self
But as I get older I notice that a lot of people are not happy. Being happy is not a state, but an event 
