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Thanks for reading this. I will try to make this as succinct as possible. I am 39, single, never been married, no kids. For the past 20 years, I have struggled with depression and social anxiety disorder issues. As a young child, I was always very insecure, shy, and socially fearful. I remained a very quiet, introverted, socially inhibited guy all through adolescence and my teenage years (high school). And between the ages of about 8-14, I had a massive weight problem, which made me a giant target of mean-spirited school bullies and other nasty young people. I eventually adopted a very physically active, healthy lifestyle and dropped the excess weight. Since about the age of 15, I have been extremely fit and active. But I was never able to really change my self-esteem/self-confidence issues.
I have never had a meaningful romantic relationship. I don't have a large social network. I am insecure when attempting to open up to new people.
My social functioning was always abnormal. I didn't date, didn't have girlfriends, didn't go to parties or join clubs. I became very comfortable sitting on the sidelines or in the shadows. I tried to go to college on numerous occasions, but partly because of my social fears/insecurities, and partly because of the already severe depression, I was not able to finish college. I would take a few classes here, a few classes there, but I never really got going with the whole college thing. That whole young adulthood time period felt like a long, slow, miserable slide into nothingness. At 39, I have about 80 semester units completed, but I have no degree. My shining moment was landing a good job working for the City of LA, a job that I held for over 6 years before a chronic pain condition (stemming from a childhood hip problem and a 2004 auto accident) forced me to resign. I resigned in 2006, and I have been foundering/fumbling since then.
I feel like I am completely at a loss as to what I should be doing with my life. Most of my close friends are married with kids, have good jobs, nice homes, etc. I am the exact opposite, and I feel extremely awkward and embarrassed by my lack of success in life. I alienated myself from my close friends for many years due to my depression and feelings of low self-worth. At age 39, I really don't feel much different (confidence-wise/developmental-wise) than I did at age 18 or 19. I feel like I have been stuck in first gear for 20 years -- if that makes sense.
I am confused about how to get my life on track (not back on track, because I never felt like I was on track at any point in time).
Because of my financial condition and lack of options, I currently live with my parents (which is degrading), and I have a limited income. My physical pain condition is a huge obstacle, and it causes a lot of depression in and of itself. But now with Obamacare and all the medical insurance laws, I'm hoping to get a handle on at least my physical issues.
And I apologize in advance if this posts seems so disjointed. I guess it mimics how I feel personally (disjointed, unsure, lost).
The only semi-bright spot in my life now is a small petsitting/housesitting business that I have been trying to build and expand. I have had modest success with it so far. I am a die-hard animal lover, so a career working with or around animals is something that interests me. But I also like to write -- I was thinking of majoring in English at one point; but I am also a history/geography buff, so I have many academic interests. But at age 39, I'm not sure if pursuing a Liberal Arts degree would be of much value. I have no interest in the STEM subjects (Science, Tech, Engineering, Math), so that's out of the question.
I would appreciate any advice or tips that anyone might be able to offer to me. I realize that I typed an awful lot, but I figured I would post on here for help. And if there is anyone in a similar position, or anyone that has been in a similar situation, I would love to hear any words of wisdom that you might be able to offer.
You don't say how restrictive your medical problem is or whether you are on disability income? I would forget about the degree, the writing, the history and geography except as a hobby. You have identified what you love already. I would look into getting trained as a dog groomer, a dog trainer, a vet assistant or something along those lines. People spend a lot of money on their pets and those jobs won't be going anywhere any time soon.
You could combine your love of pets and writing and create a blog or money making website about pets. A friend of mine writes pet articles for Demand Studios and makes about $20-25 per article.
I would pursue the pet-sitting and other pet-related occupations, such as grooming, working at a boarding facility or being a vet tech. Becoming certified as a vet tech (or whatever is required in the field) or learning how to groom dogs is probably the only formal education I would seek if I were you.
You can study history and geography on your own as well as work on your writing skills by yourself. As the above poster said, see if you can sell some articles. You won't make a ton doing it, but it would be fun.
You say that you don't have good social skills, but also say that you have close friends. Please don't feel embarrassed around them. If you've had the same friends for a long time they've seen you struggle and know the challenges you face. (I've had a friend for 35+ years who is essentially homeless. I know he struggles with being bipolar and possibly schizophrenic, but love him and admire him for his good heart and sweet spirit. I'm sure your friends feel the same way.)
You also say that you have a pain condition, but have been extremely fit and active. If you're not currently exercising, but are able to do so, you probably should. Exercise will be good for your mood and give you a sense of accomplishment.
If you're in a decent size city, have you ever looked at Meetup.com? You might be able to find groups focused on writing, history, exercise or pets. You'll already have a built-in topic of conversation if you go to any of the meetings.
Because you feel so lost, it might make you feel better to make a decision, or take even a very simple action regarding your future. Pick something, even if you have to write things on slips of paper and draw them out of a hat. It might be "apply at 5 vet clinics this week" or "Sign up for a meetup group." Do one and pick another one next week. Even small steps will get you somewhere.
A very significant percentage of the population live alone, are single, without any children. I think a very important myth you may be carrying is that you're alone with your social skills, pain, lack of education/degree, living situation, etc., and that everybody else has it better, not true! I would urge you to take stock of your opportunities where you stand today, not where you think you should be standing, or where you have stood in the past. Your thoughts are preoccupied with failure for the future, in the past, and in the present, this is your worst enemy and will keep you stuck. You say it is degrading to live with your parents, "you're lucky to have parents to live with" would be another point of view, and don't tell me what a drag they are, you're an adult now, not a kid. You could be homeless without anyone in your life. You may want to take financial advantage of living with your parents by going out on a limb to develop your pet sitting service, get certified as a pet sitter and put yourself out there, if you live in a well populated area, pet sitting can be very lucrative and rewarding. At some point, you could become self sufficient and find your own place. I'm guessing your parents would be happy to see you grab onto a concrete goal and go after it while living at home, I'm sure they want you to be happy and feel purposeful in life. Pet sitting services typically flourish by word of mouth and you sound like you have a good honest heart, something people look for in someone they entrust their animals or homes to. So you can sit around and pound sand [feel sorry for yourself], or you can sit down and organize yourself on paper, establish goals, then action steps to achieve your goals which HAVE to be achievable, like get certified in pet sitting and put your energy into developing your business. NAPPS is the organization I would recommend, once certified, you go on their web site and get referrals and soon, if you present yourself as honest and dependable and develop a reputation, you'll be off and running. The hardships you describe can be used as positives, they can drive you forward, they have tempered you like a silver smith hardens and shapes silver by pounding it, you just don't know it! Just do it, stop thinking so much, and take some action, you can do it, you are the master of your own destiny, you have skills, get focused, one foot in front of the other, march!
www.petsitters.org/napps_certification.php
You don't say how restrictive your medical problem is or whether you are on disability income? I would forget about the degree, the writing, the history and geography except as a hobby. You have identified what you love already. I would look into getting trained as a dog groomer, a dog trainer, a vet assistant or something along those lines. People spend a lot of money on their pets and those jobs won't be going anywhere any time soon.
Thanks for the response. My pain problem is moderately restrictive, but more so from a psychological standpoint than from a physical one. The chronic pain problem has been going on for about ten years now, and it has contributed greatly to my depression. I am not on disability, as I am too functional (physically) to qualify for any disability. But the pain is the pain.
And, yes, you are right: the pet-care and pet-service industry is huge with a lot of opportunity.
You could combine your love of pets and writing and create a blog or money making website about pets. A friend of mine writes pet articles for Demand Studios and makes about $20-25 per article.
Thank you responding. Yes, I actually wrote for Demand Studios a few years ago; I actually made pretty good money for several months writing for them. But they changed their submission guidelines, and they drastically cut the number of available writing assignments, so I jumped ship.
A very significant percentage of the population live alone, are single, without any children. I think a very important myth you may be carrying is that you're alone with your social skills, pain, lack of education/degree, living situation, etc., and that everybody else has it better, not true! I would urge you to take stock of your opportunities where you stand today, not where you think you should be standing, or where you have stood in the past. Your thoughts are preoccupied with failure for the future, in the past, and in the present, this is your worst enemy and will keep you stuck. You say it is degrading to live with your parents, "you're lucky to have parents to live with" would be another point of view, and don't tell me what a drag they are, you're an adult now, not a kid. You could be homeless without anyone in your life. You may want to take financial advantage of living with your parents by going out on a limb to develop your pet sitting service, get certified as a pet sitter and put yourself out there, if you live in a well populated area, pet sitting can be very lucrative and rewarding. At some point, you could become self sufficient and find your own place. I'm guessing your parents would be happy to see you grab onto a concrete goal and go after it while living at home, I'm sure they want you to be happy and feel purposeful in life. Pet sitting services typically flourish by word of mouth and you sound like you have a good honest heart, something people look for in someone they entrust their animals or homes to. So you can sit around and pound sand [feel sorry for yourself], or you can sit down and organize yourself on paper, establish goals, then action steps to achieve your goals which HAVE to be achievable, like get certified in pet sitting and put your energy into developing your business. NAPPS is the organization I would recommend, once certified, you go on their web site and get referrals and soon, if you present yourself as honest and dependable and develop a reputation, you'll be off and running. The hardships you describe can be used as positives, they can drive you forward, they have tempered you like a silver smith hardens and shapes silver by pounding it, you just don't know it! Just do it, stop thinking so much, and take some action, you can do it, you are the master of your own destiny, you have skills, get focused, one foot in front of the other, march!
www.petsitters.org/napps_certification.php
Thank you very much for the input. I appreciate your well-laid-out response. Yes, you are right: I get so consumed thinking about everything that is wrong that I often forget about the positives in my life. I do get stuck with tunnel vision when focusing on my problems, and that makes it difficult to change course. A negative mindset is hard to change, and I know I have to try harder to focus on positive things in my life.
And I appreciate the recommendations for NAPPS. I have not yet joined their organization, but I have always thought about it. I do have bonding and insurance for my pet-sitting/house-sitting service, and just last week I became certified in pet first-aid/CPR, so I have taken solid steps to make myself more marketable. I am now working on putting up a website for my business.
But from a mental standpoint: it is very hard to think positively when, in my estimation, things seem so dismal. I often times feel overwhelmed with feelings of gloom and doom, and it's hard to make any forward progress with such a dark feeling hanging over my head.
But you have made some very helpful suggestions. I really appreciate your input! It helps a lot to get feedback from other people.
I have about 80 semester units completed, but I have no degree.
I was thinking of majoring in English at one point; but I am also a history/geography buff, so I have many academic interests. But at age 39, I'm not sure if pursuing a Liberal Arts degree would be of much value. I have no interest in the STEM subjects (Science, Tech, Engineering, Math), so that's out of the question
To address this part of your post, I suggest you look at Excelsior College. They are completely regionally accredited and have been around for decades, formerly part of the University of the State of New York. They will accept all your credits, no matter how old, they are totally online and flexible about getting the remaining credits, and you may be able to get them all through through testing out.
Finishing a bachelor's degree in Liberal Arts will give you a certain self-worth, and a degree still pulls a little respect for a future jobs and a mate, not to mention that it will be something you can do in the background at your own pace to keep your mind stimulated and to feel like you are progressing.
Anthony, if you don't feel capable of moving forward and believe you may be clinically depressed, you should seek help from your family doctor who could try putting you on medication and/or refer you for talk therapy. And you HAVE taken positive action steps to develop your business, so keep up the good work, but again, if you are overwhelmed with darkness, you may want to seek help for that, depression can be a very devastating disorder if left untreated. The good news is that it's VERY treatable and very Biological, you can't will it away if that's what's going on with you. You may be very pleasantly surprised at how much better you could feel and function. Best wishes.
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