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There are so many things going on here. First, you need to grow up in your relationship with your parents. It's not easy (I had a similar situation). I'm guessing that they support you in some way financially or with childcare (even if it's just an occasional emergency or a gift at Christmas). He worries about you and doesn't think you can do well on your own. You need to make your household completely independent and show him (and you) that he's wrong. Also, don't complain to him--his natural response is going to be to try to fix it, which often means controlling you.
Second, you and your DH may not be good candidates for owning a home right now. If DH doesn't want to bother patching holes in walls, he's probably not going to be up for the bigger projects that come with a home. Patching takes a couple minutes. Yes, I understand it's not "your home" but it is where you've been living for years and it's a maintenance item, not an improvement. If there are depression issues in either/both of you, deal with them head-on.
Third, your financial knowledge may be lacking. A $25 HOA fee doesn't cover the same things as a $300 fee. Owning a home costs more money every month than just the mortgage, taxes and insurance. In the end, the difference in the HOA fees washes out (unless you are paying for some added community amenities that don't exist in the other HOA). For example the $25 may just cover the maintenance fees of the shared properties (i.e. entry signs/landscaping) and then they add on a special assessment when shared costs go above that fee. The $300 may cover more services/maintenance and never charge additional. You have to look at everything, not just the number of the surface.
Most importantly, choose to be happy. Lots of people don't own homes and are happy. Lots own homes and are miserable. Make the most of your situation, embrace it and enjoy the life you are blessed with now. You're living your life right now--don't waste it waiting for your dream life to begin.
Definitely do some research and find a place you like, and where you can afford a house of your own. I don't consider having Dad help with the down payment, to be "affording" a house of your own. I mean for you and your spouse to afford it without any help from anybody.
Once you get moved and settled (hopefully with not too much fireworks from your family), you can relax and re-negotiate with your folks from there. Family, friends, employers - basically, all relationships - are about negotiation, power balancing, and personality dynamics. This is a fact of life, and of human nature. If you two manage to get away and settle elsewhere, you will find that the power dynamics will automatically adjust themselves. You need to get away, to become fully adult.
Yes, you need to look at what that condo fee covers if you go that direction. The tendency of buyers is to roll that amount in with the mortgage payment (monthly payment) in their mind. While this is probably fine for general budgeting (I do it too), you need to realize that the maintenance costs you will incur with any home ownership are often included in the condo fee. So that monthly payment on the single family that looks lower than the condo mortgage plus HOA doesn't take into account all the monthly/yearly expenses of maintaining a home, which may or may not be included in the condo fee.
For example, our small vacation home requires weekly/monthly visits from the landscaper, pool maintenance, home watch, and pest control. We pay that monthly over and above our mortgage (in addition to interior and exterior maintenance of the house). All those things would usually be included in a condo fee.
Buying a condo requires you to really look at the association and their financial solvency, the amount held in reserve for major expenses, general management. But those condo fees are not always a bad deal, especially for those not interested in home improvement and maintenance projects, which it sounds like you aren't.
You can spend the equivalent of a condo fee really quickly on one visit from a carpenter, landscaper, etc.
BTW, they make command strips specifically for hanging pictures. They are certainly more of a pain to use than simply pounding in a nail, but I'd use them all day long before I'd live in an undecorated house for years.
Grow up and do whats right for you, not your parents. If they can't handle you moving, that is their problem. Are you expected to live your life in the same zip code you grew up? How depressing is that thought. It's your happiness at stake, and your relationship, not your parents. They sound very immature if they are unwilling to put your happiness before theirs. parents should want whats best for their children and nothing could be more important than your happiness.
Then there is your husband. No pictures for 4 years because he might have to squeeze some spackle out of a tube and run his finger over it? Better yet, don't fix the holes and pay a few hundred dollars when your ready to move. When you spread that out over 4 years its pennies a day to make your home more enjoyable.
Obvious you need to set down and make a realistic plan on achieving your goal of homeownership. Want alone does not achieve big goals. As far as parents you and husband need to make your own family decisions as to what is best for your family. Your no longer your parents little girl ;your a women with her own family.
I've owned a home in Alabama and in North Carolina, for a combined 14 years. At this point in my life, even with 2 growing children, I need a change professionally and from a climate standpoint. While we don't have snowy winters, we do get cold ones, and waaaaaayyyy too much rain and dreariness.
I am looking for way to move to SoCal. I want to find work first, but employers aren't keen on anyone not currently located next door to the office. Hell, if you'll work for free, and possess a doctorate, that would be even better. Owning a home just isn't a priority, as I see the mortgage and expense of it all to be a very difficult existence. Truly, home ownership is a good thing, but it's overrated, and costly when all things are factored in.
We are a family that enjoys the cost, and want a more progressive surroundings.
I wish you luck. I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, or sway you one way or the other. All I know is that what you say you want and need, appears to be exactly the opposite of where I am in this life at this time!
Thank you to all for replying and giving me encouragement- it helps, trust me. My husband is in the HVAC field so getting a job in the southwest would be NO problem- his company has hubs all over the world and TX is no exception. DH also recently found out that he wouldn't be able to ask for a transfer until he was in for a certain amount of time and that time is at the end of 2015.
Condos are often pricier than homes because of the HOA fees out here- I was FLOORED when I saw some of the HOA fees for houses listed in TX. Some were only $25 per YEAR! The average where I am is $250-300+ a month so buying a condo actually turns out to be just as expensive as a house that is $25K+ more. It doesn't make any sense to us.
My parents made me feel incredibly guilty when my DH and I announced we were looking to move so far away. And several of you are right, it IS an issue of control and power. My father was in a position of power his whole career and it gave him an epic ego and the undying sense that HE is always right and us moving away would be, and I quote, "The f*ing dumbest thing you could ever do, you will ruin you lives". Which means, you guys are going to ruin OUR lives (my parents) and we are going to make you doubt yourselves so much and say so much crappy stuff that you won't ever consider leaving again. During our search and inquiry of TX I stood my ground and wouldn't listen to them- I was determined to do what was best for us. In the end, my DH and I decided that we couldn't justify leaving for the pay he was being offered and, to put it plainly, we caved into the guilt trips. It's very hard to maintain convictions when the opposition is literally staring you in the face all of the time.
So, we put everything on the back burner and tried to look in CA again but of course, nothing panned out. Then my dad was hospitalized and then my mom's health started to get worse and I began to wonder if moving away would be selfish on OUR parts.
In the end, several of you are right- it is MY responsibility to make my own life and the lives of my children and DH happy ones. I have been allowing the bitterness to cloud my happiness and joy and that isn't right. My family deserves a happy mama/wife and I need to create that happiness regardless of what is going to happen in the future. It doesn't make sense for me to be unhappy because we are in limbo- I need to be able to look past that and focus on the good things we have.
I live in Texas and wouldn't mind living in California. Have you ever been here? I don't know if you would like it. As for the HVAC field, I've heard people complain that it does not pay enough even out here in hot humid Texas.
Make more money so you can afford to stay in California.
We've lived in our rental for more than 4 years now and I have never hung any pictures up or really personalized anything because my DH doesn't want to patch holes when we leave.
...
What can we do?
1) Ever heard of Command brand adhesive strips? I used them when I lived in an apartment. I hung picture frames, dish towel hooks, key hooks ... even large movie theatre banners, with them.
2) Stop letting your extended family(ies) run your life.
I was stationed in California for four years. Most miserable four years of my life. Absolutely hate, hate, hated it. To like that place you have to have s specific mindset. If you don't, you'll never be able to enjoy life there.
Interesting thing. My wife's parents are similar to what you describe. She is much happier when there is some distance and could never live close to them because they are so controlling. On the other hand my parents were the "you have to live your own life/make your own decision" type and that really helped. We have done the same with our children and would never let our own feelings stand in the way of our children's adult lives.
Get a dog. Start decorating your home. The price of some paint and spackle to patch holes seems a small price. While you are making your rental unit, a home to enjoy, plan another strategy.
Go hang some pictures.
I agree.
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