Dealing with possible Sociopath stepmother (sociopaths, counselor, narcissistic, woman)

[jm1982]

I'm in a tough situation currently with my stepmother that I have known for about 15 years. She was always kind of weird and different, but the past couple of years (and last year especially) have been really bad and she has done a lot of very hurtful things to my fiancee and I.

On 4th of July she had a party at her place and I had quite a bit to drink (she was drinking too) and I threw up that night, and the next night she told me that I was possessed and that I threw up because I was trying to throw up a demon or something twisted. She then told me that some demon that has been following her since she was younger has now followed me and that I'll probably be scared of her from now on.

Just a little while before this incident I had left my job to work with my father and moved across the country. My fiancee and I got engaged last may.

Since we got engaged and before, she's tried to be controlling. She said she wanted to plan an engagement party for my fiancee and us and I told her not to worry about it, but she kept on pushing about it.
My father didn't really want to get involved with it but she pretty much has control over him.

She made a whole show about how much she was doing planning the party and how nice it was going to be and told our family and friends about it...then I found out she didn't send out the invitations.
I had come back from a cruise and when I came back I asked her if the invites got sent out because my fiancee said nobody got invitations .

She casually said "No, I didn't get them out..but I can hand deliver then" . I said there was no point to do that as it's too last minute and the party was in a few days or so. My fiancee and I didn't want her to do it at all but she kept saying that she had already planned so much and put up money for this party.
At the same time she has been going through IVF treatment and wants to have a child at 42 with my father who is 58 years old (whole other issue!) .

My fiancees family decided to take matters into their own hands and plan the party themselves for their own daughter . They sent her an invitation and then she blew up and said that it was rude that they didn't include her and that they planned the party behind her back. She accused my fiancee and I of knowing about it and not telling her.
She tried to make the whole thing about her when it is supposed to be about us and our wedding. She always acted like she cares so much and that she wants our happiness, but her actions have not been consistent with that.

My father tries to avoid conflict and seems to have no sway over her.

My fiancee visited in January and she had told her privately that "I was the reason you got married, and I was the one that pushed him to get married" and she brought up that she thought I was possessed and all that bs. She told her that she sprayed holy water in my room.

I waited a while and just last night I brought up to her that I didn't appreciate her saying those things about me , she then told me that "people were worried about me that night" but she had never mentioned it that night or another time. She also accused me of saying things against religion on another occassion and even my father told her that was inaccurate as he was there.

I feel like I can't trust her whatsoever. I was staying with them but now I am staying at a hotel . I had a flight back home planned in about a week. In the middle of all this I have been trying to do business with my father, but her personality disorders and her manipulative behavior have caused some real serious issues.

After I left she messaged my fiancee and told me her all these things to make me look bad, and said "if you wanted him back in California , you should of just said it" she was trying to twist it to put blame on my fiancee when she was at fault.
I think my father realizes as he was really upset last night and asked her why she was trying to ruin our relationship. The problem is that he was also blaming me for "pushing her buttons" .

At this point I feel like she's burned so many bridges . She always makes a point to say that she's a 'straight shooter' and that she's 'not a liar' . Last night she could be pretty much every name in the book and I avoided calling her any dirty names. She said that I had "always been her hero" because I had been through a lot when I was younger with my parents divorce mostly.

I am wondering does this sound like the signs of a sociopath. I've been reading things like this
How to Deal With a Sociopath (with Pictures) - wikiHow
and it feels creepily accurate.

I am a sensitive type person and I feel like she has been preying on me for a long time. Even though she claims to respect honesty and tells me that I should talk about things if they bother me, when I have brought things up to her she has blown up.

I feel like she is upset that i've finally 'found her out' and called her on her inappropriate actions.

My father stills seems to be in denial and says "She cares about you a lot and wants the best for you" . I told him if someone cared they wouldn't treat my fiancee and I like that.

At this point I feel like just cutting her totally out . The issue is that she's technically a partner in our business ventures ..but isn't actually working with us. More of a silent partner situation (investing money she inherited in into the ventures) .

At this point my father is practically begging that I stay and work with as he's said he's invested in these ventures. He said he wouldn't of gotten into these businesses if I hadn't agreed to work with him.
He now mentioned that we could build the businesses and sell them in the near future.

I feel terrible right now that I don't feel comfortable at his place , which was my grandparents condo , that I've had fond memories of since I was very little , 30 years.

I think things would be alright if I had my own place, and I had been promised this in the beginning but then they decided to sell the place that they had offered for me to live in. Then they said they were going to invest the money towards businesses that would benefit all of us...then recently they mentioned they were going to buy income property for themselves with the money once they sell it.

Do you think I am dealing with a sociopath here?

My father has admitted she's not well, but doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. He told me ,"what do you want me to do, are you asking me to divorce her?'

She seems to have most or all of the traits of a sociopath.
How to spot a sociopath - 10 red flags that could save you from being swept under the influence of a charismatic nut job - NaturalNews.com

What is the best plan of action? What would you do in this situation?

[bigpaul]

if it was me I'd move away and cut all ties with your stepmother, its not like she's a blood relative or anything. you can do without that kind of aggravation. move away and move on with your life.

[old_cold]

The usual suggestion would be to divorce yourself from the situation...make a life of your own with your wife elsewhere if you can't learn to just disregard her, not depend on her for anything and put up with her strangeness.

[DauntlessDan]

They are masters at turning one group of people against another group while proclaiming themselves to be the one true savior. Or offering THEIR solution. Like I've always said, people that do this are E-V-I-L. In my 58 years on this earth, working in the law-enforcement and medical fields, I have known only one individual personally that I can truly say was a socio/psycho-path. NOT to take credence away from your story/situation. And he fit a lot of the criteria in the article. Especially being clever and manipulative. These people can be VERY explosive and wrathful if you confront/expose them about who they really are. Be careful. And good luck!!

[jm1982]

It's unfortunate as my fiancee had planned to live near them, but now my fiancee is against the idea.

Right now I feel that I certainly don't want to stay under her roof, but I don't know if I should get my own space in the same area in order to conduct business.

My father is also not totally the easiest to deal with , ,but it seems a lot of the issues between my father and I stem from her behavior, and her manipulation behind the scenes.

I had thought of coming out here to do business as a good opportunity and had always discussed business with him since I was younger. He is not regretting "having me come out here" , because he feels that it has caused more issues and damage to our relationship. I told him that he should not think that way and that it's her behavior which has caused these issues.

After the big argument the other day , he told me , "you know that she's not well" . He seems to acknowledge her mental illness, but the overall feeling is that it should be tolerated. I told him that it would be his choice to tolerate the behavior and everyone is different, but I myself have had enough.

DauntlessDan, I feel that first sentence in your post can relate to her. I felt betrayed that she would go behind my back and talk about me, and then lie and proclaim she did it out of love and concern for me.

She certainly seems to use gifts to her advantage and uses those gifts in order to gain power. I recently read that it's bad to accept any gifts. I have tried to not accept gifts from her but she just has imposed herself.

One example is her booking a honeymoon for my fiancee and I . She made it her project to find a great trip to Europe , and she said that would be a gift for us. Anytime I would tell her I would pay for something she would act offended about it. I could tell my father does not want to spend the type of money she likes to spend.

She uses gifts to frame herself as a generous and giving person with a BIG heart. Using upper case letter is something he does all the time to "prove her point and be clear" She is constantly saying that she's a 'straight shooter' and 'tells it like it is with no sugar coating' and that she's 'not a liar!"

She talks constantly (mostly about herself) and I feel she doesn't hardly listen. To make it worse she stresses that 'communication is important' and has made a point to call me a crappy communicator.

I had always tolerated her through these years, unlike my sister. My sister has spent hardly any time with her. I had actually enjoyed spending time with her and had some fun times, but things recently seem to have gotten worse since my engagement and her wanting to have a baby.

I think perhaps the drugs she has taken for this process of In vitro have caused her behavior to worsen. There definitely seem to be more issues between my father and her as well more recently. She blamed my father for not providing her with a 'stable living environment' because he was taking care of his elderly mother and great aunt and also living abroad. It's only recently though that I even knew she wanted a child. Many other people have said the same thing , "I never knew she wanted a child".

She seemed to enjoy travel and would joke that my father and her were gypsies travelling all around. She loves to talk about stories of their travels and living abroad. My father other told me that she had opportunities to try and have a child earlier but that she didn't want to.

Of course at the end of the day , she's never the wrong one , and she always labels herself a 'perfectionist'.

I appreciate the advice and responses on here, my fiancee has also reached out to her priest. He is also the priest that will be marrying us. To top it off at the end of our argument she said "Maybe we should all have a discussion with the priest that will be marrying you , as he can see what is bothering you spiritually" of course adding insult to injury. I told her "No, thank you. You've done enough , don't do that" . My fiancee immediately contacted the priest as she didn't want my stepmom to do something crazy and contact him.

I had told her during our argument that I didn't appreciate her questioning/challenging my faith and that I did not appreciate her proclaiming to be more righteous. I told her it was a horrible thing what she was doing to question me like that , when I have never done anything bad to her. I said I can't accept her opinion of me as I know she is wrong. She didn't apologize of course but just made matters worse.

I look forward to the day when I don't have dealings with her and having her stop dealing in my life. I know she will tell everyone that me and likely my fiancee too are the bad ones and ungrateful.

I watched this video on psychopaths and it's creepily accurate and spot on in regards to her behavior.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PNyVwA1ii4

[CA4Now]

Originally Posted by jm1982

I watched this video on psychopaths and it's creepily accurate and spot on in regards to her behavior.

There's actually a difference between a sociopath and a psychopath (and she sounds like the former), but it doesn't really matter in this regard. You're pretty much stuck with her since she's married to your dad and you want to remain on speaking terms with her (for your own mental health) and with your your dad, since you work with him. Just continue to be polite but firm with her and distance yourself. Ignore her comments on your spirituality or lack of it. Your father's right; she's not well.

Have you read The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout? You might find it helpful.
https://www.bookbrowse.com/reviews/i...path-next-door

[HighFlyingBird]

People throw around "sociopath" too much. She doesn't sound like one to me, but she sounds disordered. You are coming from a place of guilt...ask yourself what you want, what is best for your new family (future wife and you), and go from there. They have you on the hook with money...but you can choose to let yourself off.

[sware2cod]

Stay away from her as much as possible. Avoid living with her and avoid business relationships with her. If she pushes to do things for you, say "no thank you" and then ignore her from that point.

I wouldn't get into the business relationship with your father unless there is a high probability that she will stay out of it. But if she has money in that business she is going to cause issues for you and your father on a regular basis.

IMO, listen to your fiance and get input on your fiance on what's best for long term plans (where you both live, work, etc). Last thing you want is to split up with your fiance over this crazy lady, and ruin the relationship with your father as well.

Staying far away from her is the best plan. Act nice but avoid talking to her and texting her and visiting with her. And pretend like everything is great (don't give her any indication that you are avoiding her, just act like it's nothing and you are busy and everything is wonderful).

Your fiance should avoid texting and talking to her. It's just going to cause issues.

Maybe you and your fiance talk to a counselor about this issue so you both are on the same page as far as a plan to stick together and support eachother. Don't tell your father what you are doing. He will accidentally tell his wife which she will use it against you. Maybe tell him some stuff but not enough info because he might tell her everything.

[Teckeeee]

Sounds more narcissistic, but what really matters is she is a very toxic person you need to remove as much as possible from your life.

Dr. Henry Clouds book on boundaries is really good, with a religious slant, but still good.

Be glad she is a Step I have a family member that is not to far off, just had to deal with him last week.

After being estranged for years he thinks because we are talking all is good, so I politely spoke up and said just because we are speaking doesn't mean we are good so watch your comments buddy.

[Kin Atoms]

She has many narcissistic tendencies. Were she a psychopath, you would be doing far worse and likely wouldn't have a relationship with your fiance. If these folks were out of the picture, how would you otherwise survive? Start working on creating that path. As has been stated, develop a 'C' game that allows you business income, autonomy, and an opportunity to continue your relationship with you fiance. Your relationship with your Dad will survive, no matter what you do. The relationship with his wife/your step-mom needs to end. Distance yourself politely from her. The ideas she has of spirituality and human experience are simply bizarre/pseudo-delusional. I would treat her as entertainment, nothing more. Reduce time and conflict with her by not being in her environment. If you need to move into a tiny home or apartment, do the same, as a means of limiting contact/conflict with this woman and as a way of increasing autonomy/intimacy with your fiance. If you can find a way to start a second job while working with your Dad, do that, as the flow of income may be cut off, given she is a (not-so-silent) partner, and you are gracefully trying to disengage. She will do what she can to pull you in, retrieve you back into her wiles/grips. Avoid conflict at all costs, maintain your dignity, humor, and humanity, and say becoming more independent is something that I have to do for my family, as a benefit to my wife and out of respect for our needs.