How to get over the "I can do better in relationships" thinking? (anxiety, boyfriend)
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If I am to be honest with myself, I'll admit that often, after dating someone for a while, I find myself thinking that I can do better, or I deserve more, and eventually break up with whoever I'm dating. What makes me think/ feel that way? Any way to change that?
People judge you for being a relationship surfer (someone looking for better), but they also tell you how it's wrong to be with someone you don't feel 100% in with. But I've never felt 100% about anyone, even though I was with very good guys. Thank God I never dated jerks. It was always good guys, each with their strengths, but I didn't lose it for any of them. So when I didn't feel 100% in, I would break up. I can't go on like that forever though, because the clock is ticking, and one thing I know is I hate dating. I would like to just meet someone I'm 100% for and stay with them. Instead, with all the guys so far I felt there is someone better out there. Please help.
How long do you give the relationship, before bailing?
Anywhere between three months and two years. My marriage was six years, but that was different.
AM I sure of my sexuality? well, i never questioned it, neither was I attracted to someone of the same sex.
What first attracts me? A lot of times I start dating someone because they are into me and there are no immediate red flags. I am in the habit of dating to see where it will take me, and if anything will come out of it.
Twice in my life I actually was the one who initiated the relationship, because I was into the guy first (one of them ended up being my ex husband). Both times what attracted me to the guys were their good manners, overall intelligence, a slight air of nerdiness, and the fact that they seemed very presentable, dressed well and were friendly and agreeable. With the first guy things didn't work out because I moved and he didn't want to do long distance. The second guy I married, but then the major deal breaker was that he didn't want children in the end. Additionally, both my first crush and my husband appeared slightly selfish to me (based on my own standards).
Never in my life was I in a dating relationship where both me and my partner were equally into each other (except my marriage).
aren't you getting a bit to old to have a child? maybe you need a set of standards in the guys you date before you date them. Shouldn't you bring up children before you get married?
The second guy I married, but then the major deal breaker was that he didn't want children in the end.
I suppose the take-away from that is that if having children is important to you, don't marry someone who is unenthusiastic or even ambivalent about it.
That's easier said than done of course. It may be that you didn't know yourself when you married, and didn't realize how important this was, or assumed it would just naturally become important for you BOTH after college and being established in a job, etc. That is the basic suckage of young love, neither party generally knows themselves that well or takes anything other than raw attraction under consideration at first. Then you become emotionally attached / pair bonded and the pain of ending it over a belatedly discovered concern about children being optional considerations to the other party, seems like too much, you figure you'll work it out eventually, and hilarity ensues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marketa
Never in my life was I in a dating relationship where both me and my partner were equally into each other (except my marriage).
So where is the interest deficit, usually, with you or the guy? You seem to indicate it's with you. If so, consider that your requirements and standards are too high to make marriage worthwhile to you personally. There's nothing wrong with that. You may not even be pursuing relationships for any reason other than your desire to have children. But it's not fair to you or your partner or any resulting children to get into a relationship that's not compelling just because of your maternal instinct.
Speaking as a 59 year old man, all of this stuff is rather overrated. Learn to be happy by yourself, relationshipless and childless, and THEN consider adding some or all of this on. I have come to believe that if you can't have passion for life as it is, you'll screw it up by trying to chase the next rainbow all the time.
And trust me ... I know there's a primal aspect of having children that I as a man can't possibly understand, but beyond the experience of pregnancy and childbirth lies two decades of exhausting self-sacrifice for absolutely no guarantees and about which you can really not even have reasonable expectations. My wife and I have four adult children between us and only one of those relationships has worked out in a positive, enjoyable way and even that is a source of worry about his welfare at times. We both agree that as much as we love our children, as a whole they caused way more drama, heartache and bitter disappointment than endless joy. We agree we would not do it over again, knowing what we know now. I have a brother who never had kids and he thanks his lucky stars every day, when he sees our situation.
So ... just be happy as you are, and quit thinking that children or a relationship has any real bearing on it. Those things CAN be rewarding, but they are also hard work, and at times, utterly maddening if you care about getting them remotely right.
But I've never felt 100% about anyone...So when I didn't feel 100% in, I would break up...I would like to just meet someone I'm 100% for
Maybe you should look at your assumption that relationships need the "100%" factor. The very nature of having a relationship, which is really a partnership if it lasts, is compromise. I know many couples in successful, long-term marriages, and not a single one could be considered a 100% fit for them.
List out the important qualities you want in a partner in order of importance from non-negotiable to nice but not necessary. Then look at the list from a potential partner's perspective. Would your "must-haves" seem reasonable to them? Do you have the same qualities you seek in another person? That will give you a guide.
Maybe you should look at your assumption that relationships need the "100%" factor. The very nature of having a relationship, which is really a partnership if it lasts, is compromise. I know many couples in successful, long-term marriages, and not a single one could be considered a 100% fit for them.
List out the important qualities you want in a partner in order of importance from non-negotiable to nice but not necessary. Then look at the list from a potential partner's perspective. Would your "must-haves" seem reasonable to them? Do you have the same qualities you seek in another person? That will give you a guide.
Strategically, you are making a great point. Here is my situation though: I am with someone right now who meets 95% of my mental list for priority qualities. I am very aware of that, I appreciate him, but here is the problem: I am not in love with him. He is dear to me, I feel good with him, but I don't constantly think about him, I don't get butterflies in my stomach when I see that he texted, and don't go deeply sad when he goes home. From a rational viewpoint, I have the option of choosing to be with him, because I am worried I may not find someone with so many essential qualities, but that would be slightly selfish, because I don't feel in love with him. Option two is letting him down, then go looking for someone else, and maybe that person will impress me with the WOW factor and I will feel "in love", while at the same time have some huge issues that I can't work with.
I know nobody knows the recipe for success, because if it existed, everybody would be happy. I just wish I knew which of my ways of thinking are correct and which aren't.
I don't believe in soulmates or anything like that, but I do believe that finding someone you are compatible with and really crazy about can be tough to find. I do think there are people who don't find anyone because they have unrealistic expectations, but also finding "it" can be tough and a matter of timing and luck. I dated a lot and I found guys that I had good chemistry with (the butterflies feeling), but they weren't good long term matches or weren't interested in a serious relationship. I met nice wonderful guys who would be great long term partners, but I just never felt that interested in them beyond friendship. For me, it wasn't a feeling of I can do better, but I just really wanted to be in a relationship with someone I could be excited about.
And then I met my current boyfriend and boom! He is both - he is everything. Sometimes we fight and annoy each other, but I think he's the best person I know and he brings out the best in me. Even after 2 years I am always excited to see his name pop up on my phone. He is my person who supports me no matter what and it doesn't hurt I think he's the most handsome guy in the world of course! Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet?
Congratulations on meeting your bf! It's good to hear stories like yours, because they give hope to people like me, who are starting to lose hope.
Dating around, hoping to find the right person sounds like fun ,but when you feel the clock ticking (as far as the prime age for parenthood), it creates a lot of anxiety. Oh well, I guess there isn't much to do about it, other than try to be your best self and think positive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I don't believe in soulmates or anything like that, but I do believe that finding someone you are compatible with and really crazy about can be tough to find. I do think there are people who don't find anyone because they have unrealistic expectations, but also finding "it" can be tough and a matter of timing and luck. I dated a lot and I found guys that I had good chemistry with (the butterflies feeling), but they weren't good long term matches or weren't interested in a serious relationship. I met nice wonderful guys who would be great long term partners, but I just never felt that interested in them beyond friendship. For me, it wasn't a feeling of I can do better, but I just really wanted to be in a relationship with someone I could be excited about.
And then I met my current boyfriend and boom! He is both - he is everything. Sometimes we fight and annoy each other, but I think he's the best person I know and he brings out the best in me. Even after 2 years I am always excited to see his name pop up on my phone. He is my person who supports me no matter what and it doesn't hurt I think he's the most handsome guy in the world of course! Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet?
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