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As I became the age my grandmother was when she died (whom I never knew), I noticed without really thinking about it that I'd reached it. I could also tell when my brother reached the age our dad was when he died because he was always commenting on it, and I guess wondering how long he himself had left to live, etc.
I also remember a friend long ago: she was 9 when her 29-yr-old mother committed suicide, leaving the daughter behind. The year my friend turned 29 was a rough year for her--she had to go on meds to get free from her constant anxiety and crying jags which turning that age caused in her.
Now I'm noticing it in my husband--he's reached the age his paternal grandfather was when he dropped dead of a heart attack (mid-50s), which was also the age his own father had a nervous breakdown in front of the children (maybe because he found himself the age his father had been when he died, maybe?).
So, I guess I'm wondering how common this is...... so I can tell hubby that it's fairly normal to note these ages and feel anxiety about it.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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It's hard to not think about it at times, but I tell myself that fate will decide and there's nothing I can do about it so why worry? On the maternal side, my grandmother died at age 55, I have passed that by 9 years so far. My grandfather made it to 93. My Mom is now 84, while my Father only made it to 76. My mother in law passed at age 95, and I have two aunts that made it to 98 and 99 respectively.
My dad died of a heart attack at 48.
I am more than a decade older now.
I did not experience the "constant anxiety and crying jags" mentioned.
Instead, I chose to take better care of my health and to keep tabs on things like cholesterol.
Worrying and getting all worked up is a ridiculous waste of time and energy.
My father died at 56 of cancer of the trachea and lungs. My only reaction when I reached that age was to realize how much more fortunate I was than he was, and I went on with my life. My mother died at age 90 of a heart attack, six months after her first one. At 78 I already have four stents, so I will be unlikely to reach her age.
Much more ominous is the fact that in four generations of my father's - going back to my grt grt grandfather - very, very, very few men have ever gone beyond the age of 78. This comes to my mind as a reminder to try to live with my head in a good but realistic place, and forget the BS that I cannot remotely do anything about in life.
I do think it is fairly common, and the underlying root cause is usually some sort of unresolved grief, but mostly anxiety. There are ways in which to deal with what you and your husband are experiencing; it requires cognitive re-structuring (changing one's thought patterns) and can provide relief. --But no, I don't feel it's abnormal or all that unusual. I have worked with patients who absolutely dread turning the same age that a beloved family member was when he/she died. It is almost always due to unresolved issues (grief, for one) and fear (anxiety.) It is a type of over-identification with the lost family member or friend. Once you can get both under control, it won't upset or worry you as much. But no, it is far from being uncommon, so you can tell your husband that he is not alone in how he is reacting and feeling....
Thanks, June 7th. I think it's mostly work stress making him remember his own stressed-out dad and not wanting to become him--or be like him and how he (didn't) handle it. He didn't make a big deal out of it when he mentioned it, but the fact that he did told me he'd been thinking about it. I just mentioned it to a friend who said she thought it was common to be more aware of certain ages than others. She remembers when she became the age her father was when he died; I think she was more saddened than anxious about it, though.
Interesting thread. My grandfather was 68 when he died of a coronary thrombosis. My mom had bypass surgery in her 68th year. I dreaded turning 68 for about a decade before I did. Here I am about to turn 70, and so far so good.
My father died at 51, his mother died at 47 and I was convinced that was going to be my fate and the years leading up to that were indeed stressful. But what hit me more, when I reached 51, was how very young that really was. Heading for 60 myself I sure don't feel like my life is winding down.
My mother died at 51, just two years older than I am now, and I don't really relate her death to my own eventual demise. She smoked heavily while taking a rather old fashioned form/high dosage of HRT. I simply don't have those risk factors. (She died of an anyeurism.)
My great grandmother died of a heart attack when she was 66. Her daughter, my maternal grandmother, died of a heart attack when she was 66. My mother, her daughter, had a massive, debilitating stroke at the age of 66.
I am 54. I do think about this occasionally and wonder if I only have 12 more years of good living ahead of me, and then I remind myself that there's simply no way of knowing that. I mean, most of the women in my family, including my mom's paternal side, live well into their late 80s or 90s - even pushing to 99 (though I don't think any of them have made it to 100). I don't really take much after my mom, though she looked almost exactly like her mom, and her grandmother. So I'm hoping that since I didn't inherit their body type or features, that I won't inherit that 66 curse.
Time will tell.
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