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I have severe social anxiety, agoraphobia, BDD, low self esteem, regular anxiety, avoidant personality disorder and OCD and I have real trouble looking people in the eyes. I noticed that when I am at the cashier which is often they get offended if I don't look them in the eye especially when i'm leaving and they say have a good day I say it back but I don't look at them....what do I do??????
The truth is that yes, people get angry/annoyed/disturbed by a lack of expected social cues.
The kumbaya part of me wants to say that's cruel and narrow and the practical side of me understands that people can't know others' intentions and therefore rely on said social cues, and that's a very natural thing for a social species.
How are you treating your social anxiety? Do you take medication, see a therapist, etc.? What does she say about this issue and how to address it or else how to just accept this is how things are for you for the time being?
Just don't look into their eyes. If you look at their eyebrows, or the top of their cheeks, just under their eyes, they cannot tell that you're not looking them in the eye. I used to teach that to clients who had crippling social anxiety. I'd ask them if they thought I was looking them in the eye when I was really looking at their eyebrows and they thought I was. Then they'd practice it on me. To me, they were looking me in the eye, even when they weren't. For some people, going eyeball to eyeball is way too much contact and it's overwhelming.
I don't think they get mad because you aren't making eye contact, but rather it may appear you are ignoring them or daydreaming while they are talking to you as well. The suggestions given are good ones, however I would actually explain to people upfront that you have trouble with eye contact and that you are in fact listening to them. Not necessarily cashiers, but there are many other interactions in life where it's much better to be honest than have them leave the interaction thinking you were only half there.
Just don't look into their eyes. If you look at their eyebrows, or the top of their cheeks, just under their eyes, they cannot tell that you're not looking them in the eye. I used to teach that to clients who had crippling social anxiety. I'd ask them if they thought I was looking them in the eye when I was really looking at their eyebrows and they thought I was. Then they'd practice it on me. To me, they were looking me in the eye, even when they weren't. For some people, going eyeball to eyeball is way too much contact and it's overwhelming.
Or focus on the bridge of the nose. Don't look anywhere else on the face. That way you will be perceived to be socially OK. People interpret the refusal to look at them in various negative ways.
If you focus on the bridge of the nose, you just see the bridge of the nose. It is easy.
If you want to freak someone out, look fixedly at the bridge of the nose and don't blink for a long time. But your goal is not to freak someone out. Your goal is to make your life easier by observing social norms.
I used to try the bridge of the nose (and teach it) but some people feel like you're staring at their nose and going a little cross-eyed if you look at the bridge of their nose. So I switched to the eyebrows.
Just don't look into their eyes. If you look at their eyebrows, or the top of their cheeks, just under their eyes, they cannot tell that you're not looking them in the eye. I used to teach that to clients who had crippling social anxiety. I'd ask them if they thought I was looking them in the eye when I was really looking at their eyebrows and they thought I was. Then they'd practice it on me. To me, they were looking me in the eye, even when they weren't. For some people, going eyeball to eyeball is way too much contact and it's overwhelming.
This is such a good suggestion! My ASD teacher gave my son a "frame" (made of cardboard...just four little strips stapled together to form a rectangle). He said to practice: hold up the frame when speaking to a person (someone who understands what he's doing...in class, at home, etc.) and look anywhere within the frame.
I believe public speakers are taught this as well: look over the tops of people's heads or at people's heads. They will think you're looking into their eyes and your nerves will be eased a little.
Just don't look into their eyes. If you look at their eyebrows, or the top of their cheeks, just under their eyes, they cannot tell that you're not looking them in the eye. I used to teach that to clients who had crippling social anxiety. I'd ask them if they thought I was looking them in the eye when I was really looking at their eyebrows and they thought I was. Then they'd practice it on me. To me, they were looking me in the eye, even when they weren't. For some people, going eyeball to eyeball is way too much contact and it's overwhelming.
I think thats a great tip! Wish I would have thought of that!
It's taken me YEARS to do the eye contact thing & even now (I'm 48) sometimes I feel like I'm blushing when I walk out of a convenience store.
I think I'm managing about 3 seconds now, right at the point when the clerk hands me my receipt. I also manage to squeek out a "Thank you; have a good afternoon!"
The verbal "script" I'm OK with: "Hi; welcome to ---!"
"Hello"
"Did you find everything you needed?"
"Yes, I think so!"
"Okay then; here you go & have a nice day!" ... Then, my 3 seconds of eyeball, my verbal closing & I'm home free.
But, EEWW ... those 3 seconds of "me seeing them seeing me" ...GAAAA!
I have severe social anxiety, agoraphobia, BDD, low self esteem, regular anxiety, avoidant personality disorder and OCD and I have real trouble looking people in the eyes. I noticed that when I am at the cashier which is often they get offended if I don't look them in the eye especially when i'm leaving and they say have a good day I say it back but I don't look at them....what do I do??????
That's a shame.
That's a shame.
That's a shame.
(4x more, counting off the list of issues.)
Sadly, no one gives you a pass for these challenges in life, just doesn't happen no matter how many PBS specials or laws are passed.
How do you know anyone "gets offended?" That sounds like a heightened, not depressed, degree of social-awareness. Hmm. Took me years to figure out if anyone was offended, I still barely understand it but can at least count off the non-verbal signs and make a correlation = causality guess that is right more often than wrong. That's my "workaround" to having very low empathy / desire to socialize. Further, if some stranger "gets offended" they can take it up with their parish priest, shrink, or husband. Not my concern, really. Or yours.
Hate the game, not the playa. I've never been much for "eye contact" either, but in business at a leadership level, I learned by the time I was 30 or so it is necessary to get along and get things done. So, practice made perfect. School of hard knocks. These days, I can eye-lock anyone down, it's rather something of a gentle dominance-game on my part.
Observe, learn from others, ape their behavior. Or, enjoy failure. It's a choice, really, one I didn't like either but hell now it's second nature.
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