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This is something I've dealt with for years. Sometimes, I get over it for a long time and don't really think about it, but it's been trickling back into my mind lately, so here it is. Maybe you guys have some advice for me.
I'm 28. My parents got divorced just after my 14th birthday. There was a LOT of drama in the years preceding that, so I was glad that they split up, honestly. My mom has a lot of mental health issues, so I know she was not easy to live with, but my dad was very, very violently abusive toward her. It was getting worse and worse, and I honestly wonder if my mom would still be alive today if her and my dad would have been married for much longer. Regardless, my dad was not abusive toward me or my brother, so my mom encouraged us to see him once a week during the week and every other weekend. Slowly, dad canceled the "once a week during the week" thing and slowly had other things to do on weekends, too.
My dad had/has his own issues, too -- namely a cocaine problem. I know it was bad then, and I know from being a teenager and young adult in a small town that the problems were still rampant long after the divorce. I'm not sure if that's still a problem now. He seems to be doing very well financially and doesn't have the same look he once did -- although he was a very "functional" addict, if there is such a thing -- so if he is, I'm thinking it's less so than in the past, although I really don't know.
For whatever reason, though, my dad is a hero in his own mind and in the minds of his family, too. He's a diesel mechanic who makes really good money, and I'll admit that he has always worked hard. I've never known him not to work 40-60 hour weeks my whole life. He gets paid very well per hour. His mom, stepdad and siblings all think he is a hero...he's a hard worker, he can fix "anything," he's charming to talk to, etc.
But for whatever reason...I just don't really think he loves me or my brother. I mean, I think he "loves" us and doesn't want anything bad to happen to us, but I kind of think he'd be happy if we just disappeared from his life.
As a teenager and a young adult, I worked very hard to make my own money and buy my own vehicles, but they were older cars and maybe not the best. You'd never think my dad was a mechanic...I could ask him for his help, and he'd blow me off and wouldn't help me with even simple fixes for my car, even if I had the money to buy the parts. Yet, he would and still does fix cars for family members, friends, etc. without even charging them. I remember having to escape to the bathroom teary-eyed once when my granddad was bragging on my dad about how he completely replaced his engine for him without charging him a dime, when I had recently asked him to switch out my squealing brakes and change my oil for me but he had blown me off over and over again. As an adult in our smallish town, I've had his friends brag to me about what a great mechanic my dad is and all of the things he's helped them with...but he's never helped me with squat. Now that I'm older and financially stable, I buy new(er) cars that are reliable and with warranties, and I can afford my own maintenance and repairs, but at the time...I could have really used his help.
Then there's things like with his now-wife. Once, around the time my husband and I first met her, she offered for us to go on a beach vacation with them that they had already planned and invited her son and his girlfriend to. I felt at the time that my dad was uncomfortable and didn't want us to come, but he agreed that we should. We ended up going and felt like outcasts the whole time...I swear, his wife was friendlier and spent more time with us than he did. Also, we all went "bar hopping" and out to eat the whole weekend. The whole time, my dad pulled out his credit card and paid for all of their stuff (including the son and his girlfriend) but didn't pay for ours. Now, mind you, I had no problem with us paying for our own, but I found it interesting that he didn't offer even once to pay for ours, even though they both brag about how much money her son makes, since he works in Boston and has a doctorate degree.
Not too long after, I found out my dad and the now-wife were getting married because I overheard a conversation between him and my grandparents at a family gathering. They "eloped" at Myrtle Beach, and he was telling his family they were planning on doing it the next week. I piped in with a "Congratulations," and his wife said, "You haven't told the kids yet????" No! He wasn't even planning on telling me then, much less did he tell me beforehand! Then, I saw pictures of it (good lord, they got married on my dad's motorcycle at a drive-up wedding chapel) on Facebook that were posted by my COUSIN...no pictures were ever sent to me, even though I sent them both a "good luck, have fun" message on the morning of and a "congratulations!" message later on that evening.
At family gatherings with his side of the family, I seldom even talk to him or her or anyone from their "group". My husband and I go to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. My dad usually squares himself off with his wife and her kids and barely even acknowledges us.
My dad will usually call me a few days before my birthday and will sometimes (every other year or so) ask me if we want to go out to eat for my birthday. He usually calls on Thanksgiving, and I usually see him a week or so before Christmas at his family's gathering, as well as at the gathering that they have in the springtime. Even though we live about 15 minutes from one another, I could definitely count on both hands how many times I see or talk to my dad in a year, if not on one hand. I used to try but will admit that I don't really try anymore.
ETA: I do always call him on Father's Day and his birthday. He usually has "plans" for both, so I don't take him out anymore (I do offer) or see him for those two holidays. He'll usually answer for Father's Day but usually ignores me on the days before and on his birthday. I'll usually send him a text to wish him a happy birthday if he doesn't answer.
These are just a few of many examples. I swear, I think he just wishes he could move on with his life without me in it but without anything bad happening to me, you know? Thoughts?
I will add...when my dad and I do talk or are around each other, we get along fine. We never argue or anything like that, and we usually just talk about "the weather" type of stuff...
I will add...when my dad and I do talk or are around each other, we get along fine. We never argue or anything like that, and we usually just talk about "the weather" type of stuff...
Your father may be giving you all he can give. I know it's hard to not have the parent you want and deserve but that may be the reality and you'll have to look elsewhere for the love and validation you need.
I will add...when my dad and I do talk or are around each other, we get along fine. We never argue or anything like that, and we usually just talk about "the weather" type of stuff...
Sorry to hear about your story. I can relate. You said you don't try anymore. Then don't. I did the same. I mean I am a grown up now and so are you. Trust me, you will hurt yourself more if you keep thinking why. They don't care so why should you?
In my case my husband has filled that void in my life significantly. I call him my angel. I hope you have one too and go on with your life, without your father.
In those rare times he initiate contact with you, sure make the most out of it, but never dwell on it.
Yes...I have my husband, and he is so special to me. Like I said in my OP, sometimes I "get over" this whole thing with my dad and don't really think about it, but sometimes it weighs heavily on my mind. I'm not sure why it's been on my mind lately. I think I need to get over it. I posted about it because in another thread here on C-D, I was reminded about how my dad used to buy me 3 pink roses and chocolate and a stuffed animal on Valentine's Day...but that was when I was really young, like before my brother was born. (ETA: It's not like I expect anything like that these days...just made me think about him while on C-D lol)
I guess maybe it'd be easier if my dad would tell me to "F off!" or something...and unfortunately for him, even if he wants to "forget" about me, my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins still want me around at our twice-a-year family gatherings.
I do still exist, even though he has a "new" family. What's crazy about it is that his wife seems to want to include me (and my husband and my brother). It's *him* that keeps his distance.
Your father may be giving you all he can give. I know it's hard to not have the parent you want and deserve but that may be the reality and you'll have to look elsewhere for the love and validation you need.
This. Accept that he is the way he is, that nothing could have changed that, and those were the cards you were dealt. Now .... take that hand and play it to the absolute best of your ability.
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