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And the person who touched you inappropriately was a young boy around your age.. Maybe he was just generally curious about the female body and didn't realize his behavior was wrong... it seems like he wasn't trying to hurt you intentionally.
Whether curious or impassioned, he must have known something was wrong, otherwise he would have come to "touch" the OP in a less than "sneaky" way and perhaps even in broad daylight.
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Originally Posted by convextech
When I was molested by my uncle at age 12, my father called him; he denied it, and said he was drunk. My dad didn't take it any further because it would cause a rift in the family.
So your dad stood by a respected and valued adult rather than you, a mere child?
The 2 girls in my late wife's family who were molested/raped were not given any counseling or help, that I know of, and I suspect the same "protect the adults and ignore the kids" attitude prevailed there. The 2 (or more?) girls did NOT fair so well later in life! They have both seen counselors, one is a drunk, they both "drink" and one just survived throat cancer! One girl has had many partners and spouses over the years I've known her. I only found out about this sh*t after my late wife crossed over and some of the girls began to "talk"!
IT'S SICKENING!!!
I have no idea. But OP, I get it. Something happened to you. It sucks. There is no reason to "feel weird" because you aren't as affected as, perhaps, some might think you should be. I might catch some flak from this, but I know a woman whose uncle touched her breast once as a teenager, and she's still a basketcase over it. Sometimes, I really just want to roll my eyes and tell her to move on, but I know it's not my issue to deal with and not my place to tell her she shouldn't be feeling pain.
In support groups, where abuse Survivor's painful experiences are spoken of, the issue of who's pain is greater and why, often came up since many folks felt their little old pains were not nearly as bad as anothers pain and experiences and/or the other way round. We were taught to accept that everyone's pain MATTERS and there is no such thing as "worse or better", when it comes to painful experiences and abuse. We were encouraged to see our levels of pain and trauma as all we need to work on and not to compare it with that of others. It took a while for me to realize that my levels of pain were all I needed to consider and NOT try to compare my experiences or REACTIONS to others "reality". I also noticed that it is very common, outside of support groups, for others to compare and evaluate the pains of others with either favorable or unfavorable judgements. "Oh, that wasn't so bad!" "Oh, you poor things!" "Get over it!" "Get off the Pity Pot!" "I've seen worse!" "Stop being such a baby!" "LOL, that wouldn't bother me!" Well, you pain MATTERS - just as much as anybody else's pain!
We were also taught to dump: "should" and "shouldn't" from our minds.
In support groups, where abuse Survivor's painful experiences are spoken of, the issue of who's pain is greater and why, often came up since many folks felt their little old pains were not nearly as bad as anothers pain and experiences and/or the other way round. We were taught to accept that everyone's pain MATTERS and there is no such thing as "worse or better", when it comes to painful experiences and abuse. We were encouraged to see our levels of pain and trauma as all we need to work on and not to compare it with that of others. It took a while for me to realize that my levels of pain were all I needed to consider and NOT try to compare my experiences or REACTIONS to others "reality". I also noticed that it is very common, outside of support groups, for others to compare and evaluate the pains of others with either favorable or unfavorable judgements. "Oh, that wasn't so bad!" "Oh, you poor things!" "Get over it!" "Get off the Pity Pot!" "I've seen worse!" "Stop being such a baby!" "LOL, that wouldn't bother me!" Well, you pain MATTERS - just as much as anybody else's pain!
We were also taught to dump: "should" and "shouldn't" from our minds.
I get it, but I feel that way about a lot of stuff.
I was molested at 8 and got over it.
Before that, during that, after that I watched my dad beat the living **** out of my mom all the time. He almost killed her a few times when I was 10-13, I'd say. Things like holding a pillow over her face and saying "Die *****, die!" until I would come out screaming...her face was blue. Or he would strangle her and leave her with bruises all over her neck and a hoarse voice. Or the time he threw her down the stairs, or the one time he tried his best to throw her out of the window, until again, I came in. All of that made the constant black eyes seem like nothing, really. For some reason, he never came after me in his rage, even though he looked like he wanted to a few times. I always saved my mom.
Stuff like that gets me way worse than being molested, but I still got over it.
And I've been through a whole ton of other ****, and I got over it.
I'm not saying everyone should "get over it," but I have to say that when I see people who seem incapable of handling regular adult situations because of one tiny situation in their childhood, I judge. I don't mean to, of course. It just happens. Grow up. Deal with your ****. Move on and make a better life for yourself than that bull****.
I am not sure you weren't traumatized. I did fine in my life until something started triggering me (having kids the age I was when abused). But I wont sit and judge if that will change for you.
But you got your power back. You told...you were believed...you were protected...the boy was punished. That goes a long way towards healing at the time of the abuse.
My son was playing in a fast food play place when an older boy pulled down his pants and tried to touch him. He was able to get away. He came out and told me. He was spitting flames mad. And before I knew what to do (my instinct was to flee), he went up and confronted the mother of the boy.
He told. He was believed. He was protected. The boy was dealt with. And I don't think he has any lingering issues. I asked my therapist at the time and she felt that it would be unlikely that it would cause major issues in his life because of these circumstances. But its different when it lives on as a secret in the child...being shaped by the egocentric nature of children. "It was my fault. I am bad. I am not safe". Etc. The trauma is locked in time of a child with no power and no one to keep them safe.
I get it, but I feel that way about a lot of stuff.
I was molested at 8 and got over it.
How did you "get over it"? What did you do? What happened?
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Before that, during that, after that I watched my dad beat the living **** out of my mom all the time. He almost killed her a few times when I was 10-13, I'd say. Things like holding a pillow over her face and saying "Die *****, die!" until I would come out screaming...her face was blue. Or he would strangle her and leave her with bruises all over her neck and a hoarse voice. Or the time he threw her down the stairs, or the one time he tried his best to throw her out of the window, until again, I came in. All of that made the constant black eyes seem like nothing, really. For some reason, he never came after me in his rage, even though he looked like he wanted to a few times. I always saved my mom.
Did your mom EVER attempt to defend herself?
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Stuff like that gets me way worse than being molested, but I still got over it. And I've been through a whole ton of other ****, and I got over it.
How did you "get over it"?
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I'm not saying everyone should "get over it," but I have to say that when I see people who seem incapable of handling regular adult situations because of one tiny situation in their childhood, I judge. I don't mean to, of course. It just happens. Grow up. Deal with your ****. Move on and make a better life for yourself than that bull****.
Do you have any recommendations or guidance as to HOW to "get over it"?
As for me, I entered 12 support groups and they HELPED me get over it (so far). My process may not be as complete as yours apparently is/was but it's brought me long way so, I'd happily recommend that anyone who is suffering with any kind of pain, anxiety, fear, hate, sorrow, depression, etc. at least look into = 12 step support groups, psychotherapy, spirituality, Religion, Self Hypnosis, Self Love, Advaita Vedanta, yoga, meditation, Reiki, Mysticism, Metaphysics, massages, or whatever you can to reduce or eliminate your problems the best you can. There is help and hope out here for MOST of you so just LOOK AROUND for it. There are millions of ways to GET OVER IT............ good luck.........
When I was around the age eight many years ago, my parents sent me live with my grandparents in Florida for the summer while they went traveling. I stayed at my grandparent's house most days, however I also spent a lot of time at my aunt and uncle's house, who lived nearby.
When I would stay at my aunt's house, sometimes her son(my cousin) would sneak into room at night and touch me. I was always aware when he was doing this to me but I would pretend I was still asleep. My cousin was around my age, he would touch chest area, private parts and kiss me as well while I was sleeping. I always felt icky when he did this, and this went on for almost the entire summer and every time I stayed at my Aunt's house. Sometimes my cousin would stay at grandparent's house as well and touch me at night there as well.
Finally towards the end of summer I got sick of it and told my Aunt over breakfast what her son was doing. My aunt looked shocked and decided to immediately take me back to my grandparent's house that day. I later found out my uncle gave my cousin a really bad whooping after he admitted that he did touch me at night. When I got back to my grandparent's house that day, my grandma just took me aside and told me that cousin was just a young boy and curious about the female form who didn't mean to harm me.
Years later after the incident, i still keep in contact with my cousin. We are still friendly and talk like nothing happened. In fact several months after the incident i saw over thanksgiving break and we played together like nothing happened. I never thought anything weird about this until i meet my friend Catherine. Catherine was molested by her older stepbrother for years and it only stopped when her mother divorced her stepfather. Catherine's step brother would also sneeek into her bed at night to touch her inappropriately. The experience has traumatized her greatly, she is abosuletly afraid of her stepbrother to the point where anytime she meets someone with same first name as him she freezes up. She has problems with her sexuality, self esteem and has visited several different therapist. I by contrast have never had any problems with my sexuality nor am I afraid of my cousin. If I had children, I would let cousin watch them.
I am just curious why we both handled our molestations differently? Why do you think I didn't experience any trauma like most sexual assault suirvivors do?
1. Some people have better coping skills than others.
2. Why did you pretend to be asleep? Although you say it made you feel icky, perhaps a large portion of this was conditioning the such a thing should feel gross. As in, if I was told as a child, that incest was bad over and over, but then my sister we really really good at stuff (I haven't had incest btw), I might feel turned on by the sex itself but also creeped out because I had learned incest is creepy, and even more creeped out because I was turned on. It is possible that the reason you stay interested is that there is some infatuation there, so you don't see it as horrible enough to cut ties.
3. The mood may also be different. There is a difference between molestation for control and molestation because of desire.
Yes, tons of people aren't traumatized. In fact, think of all the women who've been raped in the course of wars and, without the benefit of counseling, just went on to lead full lives.
Does it really matter why? Maybe it's because you know it's not "assault" in the worst sense. Maybe because you never felt endangered. Maybe it's because you're a more confident, self-sufficient person. What difference does it make why?
Even though a woman carried on after rape, in whatever time and place she experienced it, she might have suffered trauma that changed how she dealt with events in her life. There certainly were damaged women in the past, and we can never know if rape was part of their stories.
I imagine that family dysfunction could carry over for several generations because one grandma suffered rape and assault in her formative years. Even though she might never have spoken of it. Undealt with issues do affect people's lives and how they deal with other people.
You sound well adjusted. I had an incident with a weird old uncle when I was a teenager, and I just sort of laughed it off. It was not as though it warped me for life, or anything. I'm not sure why some of us can just ignore these abuses, and why others become gravely affected by them. I guess the answer lies in our background and upbringing.
I had the same thing happen, one was a relative, one was an older man at a horse stables. I was touched inappropriately by both and although I've never forgotten, I have never suffered any ill effects that I can think of.
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Your pain MATTERS!
