When being "genuine" means you're dark and cynical.. (psychologist, therapy)

[Gabriella Geramia]

For years I was afraid to be my true self because I was afraid of what was down there. I'm tired of hiding. Tired of having these lame conversations that all seem the same. I've been paying more attention to how I really feel about a person, about a situation, and if I really want to do that thing or be with that person. I used to be afraid to say no to somebody if I didn't like them or no to a job if I didn't really want to take it. It left me feeling stuck and frustrated.

I've been working on accepting how I really feel and like I thought, there's a very dark and cynical old man underneath the bubbly and cute young woman. I don't see a point of lying anymore. I'm starting to appreciate it actually. It seems to make life more interesting than to try and be like everybody else. I tried going to therapy but I'll be honest, I ****ing hate it.

I figure, maybe my cynical self just needs to be let out. I know I'm not a bad person. Maybe if I let out what needs to be let out, something genuine and good might come out. Or not. I don't know. But now if I feel bad, I don't make myself feel worse about feeling bad. I just say okay, whatever, **** the world then. And eventually, it goes away and I really do start to feel better.

Well, this post ended up being less cynical than I thought it would be. Not sure what I was trying to get from this. Guess I was wondering if anybody tried being more honest with themselves and what did you find?

[Burke_D]

OP, if you are anything like me you will find that it makes no difference if you are nice or cynical, I struggle with people either way. Maybe being cynical makes some people a little uncomfortable but most people are indifferent no matter what.
Human beings are fickle creatures. Very fickle.

[stan4]

Not being obnoxious in public (regardless of whether or not it's "the real you") is called manners.

[jonesg]

Originally Posted by GKelly

For years I was afraid to be my true self because I was afraid of what was down there. I'm tired of hiding. Tired of having these lame conversations that all seem the same. I've been paying more attention to how I really feel about a person, about a situation, and if I really want to do that thing or be with that person. I used to be afraid to say no to somebody if I didn't like them or no to a job if I didn't really want to take it. It left me feeling stuck and frustrated.

I've been working on accepting how I really feel and like I thought, there's a very dark and cynical old man underneath the bubbly and cute young woman. I don't see a point of lying anymore. I'm starting to appreciate it actually. It seems to make life more interesting than to try and be like everybody else. I tried going to therapy but I'll be honest, I ****ing hate it.

I figure, maybe my cynical self just needs to be let out. I know I'm not a bad person. Maybe if I let out what needs to be let out, something genuine and good might come out. Or not. I don't know. But now if I feel bad, I don't make myself feel worse about feeling bad. I just say okay, whatever, **** the world then. And eventually, it goes away and I really do start to feel better.

Well, this post ended up being less cynical than I thought it would be. Not sure what I was trying to get from this. Guess I was wondering if anybody tried being more honest with themselves and what did you find?

It was only when i got honest that I found my truth.
You aren't supposed to like your therapist.

[Lovehound]

GKelly, I don't think you have confronted your inner demons at all. I can't tell from your OP but it would be interesting to hear more. It appears more to me like you have simply accepted your demons. That's just not right.

There's nothing wrong with cynicism, not even pessimism or misanthropy. And to wit I'm a curmudgeon too, but I have found a happy life. I enjoy what I am and who I am and where my life is headed. I'm excited by all the possibilities, but I have arrived at my present state primarily by gaining understanding of myself and understanding of my fellow humans, and have also benefited greatly by having my own muse, mentor and psychologist who I like immensely.

Before you write off psychotherapy I think you should switch therapists a few times. You should be lucky like me and find one you mesh with.

You are never going to get anywhere until you understand yourself, and it is often that you need a psychological mirror to see your true self. That is how I think of my therapist. She's my mirror, she's my sounding board, she's the one who points out alternative ways of explaining and expressing my reality and understanding my dealings with my fellows.

I think plain and simple you need a new therapist. Also note that there are many styles of therapy. Usually psychologists favor their own ideas. You need to change therapists to change treatments.

My own therapist favors a modified form of CBT. It helps that I minored in psych in college so many times we talk shop, and I'm sure she customizes our sessions to fit my more advanced than usual patient understanding of the practice of psychology.

I can tell you it is totally working for me! I can tell you I like people a lot more and I'm experiencing a huge increase in positive feedback in interactions with people. You'll have to ask them if they like me better, I can't speak for them. But I can tell you that it is totally working for me. I am today at the happiest point in my life!

Please, try a new therapist. Keep switching until you find one you like. Then assess whether it is working for you. -- Trust me, if you don't do this then you are doing brain surgery on yourself or leaving your future to blind chance.

[oldwoman]

Therapy is great for giving us a better understanding of ourselves. That said, most of the 'self work' involved in growing as a person is done by the individual.

A large part of feeling acceptable comes from within and that requires that we know ourselves, because how can we accept something that we don't know?

So.... the first step is to know what you need, what you want, what you can change (and are willing to change), and what you can't change about yourself.

Once you have done all of that hard work, then the next step is to begin the change process, if change is needed and wanted by you.

Once you are through that hurdle, then you must address your relationships with the rest of humanity.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by GKelly

For years I was afraid to be my true self because I was afraid of what was down there. I'm tired of hiding. Tired of having these lame conversations that all seem the same. I've been paying more attention to how I really feel about a person, about a situation, and if I really want to do that thing or be with that person. I used to be afraid to say no to somebody if I didn't like them or no to a job if I didn't really want to take it. It left me feeling stuck and frustrated.

I've been working on accepting how I really feel and like I thought, there's a very dark and cynical old man underneath the bubbly and cute young woman. I don't see a point of lying anymore. I'm starting to appreciate it actually. It seems to make life more interesting than to try and be like everybody else. I tried going to therapy but I'll be honest, I ****ing hate it.

I figure, maybe my cynical self just needs to be let out. I know I'm not a bad person. Maybe if I let out what needs to be let out, something genuine and good might come out. Or not. I don't know. But now if I feel bad, I don't make myself feel worse about feeling bad. I just say okay, whatever, **** the world then. And eventually, it goes away and I really do start to feel better.

Well, this post ended up being less cynical than I thought it would be. Not sure what I was trying to get from this. Guess I was wondering if anybody tried being more honest with themselves and what did you find?

Why do you believe that the honest part in you is "dark and cynical"...the truth really does set you free.
Don't hide from who you really are...embrace it..speak what you REALLY feel and think....you'll find there are many others just like you, who think the same, and aren't afraid to be heard.

I've never been one to follow societies (so-called) norms.....some may believe that I'm angry or unhappy, but that's not the case. Being genuine, and unafraid to speak what you REALLY think and feel (or know to be true) might make you unpopular with a lot of people, but it's worth it for your own peace of mind...being true to yourself allows you to be true and honest to others.

Some people really enjoy honesty (even when it's not the politically correct thing to say, or it's not what the masses believe)...but that's what makes you interesting...the fact that you're genuine...I embrace genuine, I can find phony, make believe, do as I'm told, if it says so it must be true..type of people any time I want...they are the masses...everywhere...no minds of their own...

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by oldwoman

Therapy is great for giving us a better understanding of ourselves. That said, most of the 'self work' involved in growing as a person is done by the individual.

I greatly enjoyed your post, but wish to point out one thing. Not most but ALL of the work is done by the patient. The therapist is merely a facilitator. If nothing else she (or he) acts as a mediator in directing the self efforts of patients to effect change.

I'm oft reminded of the joke: Q: "How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?" A: "Just one, but the light bulb must want to change."

I may have gotten nowhere without the aid of my psychologist. I think more likely I would have gotten where I am now, inevitably, but at the cost of perhaps several years of my life, wasted. But no psychologist can fix you. All any psychologist can do is help you accelerate the process. And in some cases patients lack the means or ability to effect self change, and will not improve without a mentor.

Your psychologist is your mentor, your muse, your mediator, your mirror! But she cannot take you there. She can only help you realize where 'there' is.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by purehuman

Why do you believe that the honest part in you is "dark and cynical"...the truth really does set you free.
Don't hide from who you really are...embrace it..speak what you REALLY feel and think....you'll find there are many others just like you, who think the same, and aren't afraid to be heard.

I've never been one to follow societies (so-called) norms.....some may believe that I'm angry or unhappy, but that's not the case. Being genuine, and unafraid to speak what you REALLY think and feel (or know to be true) might make you unpopular with a lot of people, but it's worth it for your own peace of mind...being true to yourself allows you to be true and honest to others.

Some people really enjoy honesty (even when it's not the politically correct thing to say, or it's not what the masses believe)...but that's what makes you interesting...the fact that you're genuine...I embrace genuine, I can find phony, make believe, do as I'm told, if it says so it must be true..type of people any time I want...they are the masses...everywhere...no minds of their own...

I rarely quote entire posts but your post is well worth it. Exactly so!

"Dark and cynical" is not necessarily a negative trait—unless you think it so—and even if you think it's so that doesn't make it so. Maybe that is just reality, or your perception of reality, and in many cases your perception is just as valid as anybody else's.

I'm in agreement with purehuman, I speak what I think, what I believe. That's not to say that I cannot be diplomatic about it—but that is also not to say that I am always diplomatic either. Sometimes things need saying, no matter how the dice roll.

I'd rather hear the honesty myself. If a criticism of me, maybe they are right. Maybe I need to understand why I've created these negative feelings in others, in order to improve myself. I'd rather have my feelings hurt but benefit in the end by gaining an opportunity for self-improvement.

[jonesg]

Originally Posted by Lovehound

Your psychologist is your mentor, your muse, your mediator, your mirror! But she cannot take you there. She can only help you realize where 'there' is.

The best guide is one who has been there and knows the way out.